I have been thinking. It really needs to be stressed that healing IS possible.
Five years ago I went through the worst hell of my life. I thought I would never recover.
I was truly out of control in my mind and body. I felt like I was a foreigner in my own body watching my actions and listening to my own words. Nothing made sense.
Each day I experienced a new and different degree of hate, anger, rage, misery, disgust with myself, feelings I never experienced before.
That was five years ago. Today I have learned that there are ways I was able to help myself heal. Methods that had NOTHING to do with my husband.
As I read the agony on this board, I so want to reach out and tell everyone you WILL heal BUT there are things you must do to get better.
If I may I would like to start the list with some of the things that helped me over the years.
To start with this board was an incredible blessing. Going to chat where I learned to share thoughts and feelings that NO ONE else could ever understand. I learned that I could laugh again. I learned that venting is good and people actually truly understood my pain.
Then I learned to write here. I got all that poison out. Feelings that neither my H or the OW could ever possibly understand.
Then I read all the books and websites, and whatever listed in the helpful links.
Then I went to counseling which taught me that we are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and the "roller coaster from hell" is NORMAL For us.
That if I learned to take better care of me, than I had in the past that I would heal. I was so used to putting H and kids first.
I have learned that healing is possible but I had to put in the time and the work. There is no time line except to say that it does take a long time and it takes even longer if you don't read, write and talk.
I learned that I did NOT deserve this and it truly was not about me. It was a choice my H made to live in a fantasy world where problems and responsibilities did not exist. I learned that NOTHING I did or didn't do could cause or prevent his choice it was NOT about me. It was about him. I learned that it truly could have been any BODY. All he was looking for was some one who was willing to ignore the sanctity of marraige, someone who also was looking for fun and games and no reality. I could not compete with that fantasy.It had nothing to do with me.
I have learned so much. I have learned that I survived the unimaginable. I wish I could help everyone here to realize that in time you too will be sitting and writing to some one else that healing is possible if you do all the right things. You are responsible for taking care of YOU no one else will do that if YOU don't.
I just wanted to reach out and wish everyone healing.
Thanks you. Your words are life to those of us who are early on the path.
I so enjoy this fellowship of pain, suffering -- and ultimately triumph -- that we all can share. It has been life to me.
I hate to wax too poetic, but I think anytime we rise to meet such challenges with an ounce of courage, even if it is an ounce, and we struggle on to find our own victory, and recover our identity, and to once again live a life full of meaning, we have won a great battle. I'm still in the middle of that fight -- it's not a fight against my WS, or the OP -- it's a fight to absorb the blow life handed me, to grow, and not let it define my character -- and to come out on the other end stronger, better, whole.
I think we're a band of brothers (and sisters). So thank you El.
For those who find meaning in it, below is a passage from Shakespear's Henry V. It speaks of courage in the fight, and the pride we can have in looking back on that day of fear and trouble, having come through it:
"That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
You have fought the good fight El. So many others have as well. I never would have wished to have joined this club, but now being here, I'm honored to be in your company, and the company of all who struggle with their immense grief.
El, than you so much for thinking of us today...Last night and today have been tough for me...
At one year past d-day, I am feeling crazy like I am never going to be normal again...
Too dependent on H, I know...I get so angry at him if he does not meet every need, not that I get angry but I feel like he doesn't really love me...Like any time he does not come through with what I expect, I see it as evidence that he does not love me...To be honest I expect things every day...Then I wonder if any man could actually prove they love me enough these days...I wish I could figure out how much is him and how much is due to my exagerated needs due to my newfound insecurity..I know underneath it all is the fear that he doesn't really love me...or will have another "period" like what he was in during the A....And then I think so what? Maybe I should look for someone else anyway....kind of run off before there is a chance that I will get hurt again....
But realistically I know there is a chance that any man can cheat and it took my H 15 years to do it..
Right this minute, I am in my "stay busy and let him be the one to make any move mode" because I feel so insecure...What a wacko I feel like! I know that I should be happy that we are together and trying to work this out, and that he really has done a lot of work to repair us...He says nothing he does can please me...which is true...even if he has done everything 100% right one day, the next day if he is not affectionate enough or does not spend enough time with me, I am whacked out again..
My MC thought that my demands are eventually gong to put a lot of extra strain on our marriage...I don't see them as demands, but just me trying to feel loved...and unfortunately, I need a lot to feel loved these days...
Anyway, all that to say El, that I really needed to see your post today, and be reminded of those truths as well as to read that there is hope of getting through this....
You are not crazy...you are normal....you are finding your way and that is such hard work after all the heartache we have experienced. we have to relax and be less critical of ourselves. Marie asking for reinforcement of love is not wrong ...ask H what will make him comfortable as far as affection is concerned...you need reinforcement...so did I and H started to give me hugs, and telling me he loved me...it made me feel better>
this is working for me,
YOU CAN ALWAYS COPE WITH THE NOW,
but you can never cope with the future----nor do you have to.
The answer , the strength, the right action, or the resource
will be there when you need it, not before, not after.
From the POWER of NOW by Tolle
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Mar 27, 2005 5:00 PM
"Too dependent on H, I know...I get so angry at him if he does not meet every need, not that I get angry but I feel like he doesn't really love me...Like any time he does not come through with what I expect, I see it as evidence that he does not love me...To be honest I expect things every day..."
I couldn't help but focus in on your comment that you are too dependent on your H and that you expect him to meet every need. Believe me, I understand perfectly about feeling insecure and working very hard to resist the urge to run away now, so I don't ever have to face the possibility of my H hurting me this way again. But I also wondered if it is fair or realistic to expect another person to meet our every need, to validate us. I also wondered if you have something of your own that you feel good about, maybe a job, a hobby, or volunteer work, something that is just yours, such that you get a sense of pride and accomplishment in what you are doing, not what someone else is doing for you.
I know our Hs hurt us, and they should be trying to make amends and show us that we are loved, but shouldn't we try to reciprocate to reassure them that we love them? Imagine how hurt we would feel if we thought nothing we did pleased them.
Anyway, those are just some thoughts I had. I hope they might help a little. I know you and I both are so tired of hurting and just want to feel better.
Thanks El and everyone for the comments. Fairyfriend and Marie, you have got to the crux of the healing issue - we, as the betrayed ones, are more hurt than the WSs and so we need more healing. So much of that is showing us that we are loved, that the WS chose to stay with us because he/she loves us and values us more than the fantasy Mills and Boon fairytale offered by the OP. I told my H it would be impossible to overestimate my need for reassurance and he tries to give it to me in his own way. If I need more I seek it from him and it makes him feel good as well as me.
But as you said Fairyfriend, he needs reassurance too. I read a posting from Ami about how hard she was on her H in the early stages and how she asked him what he would do if she told him to leave. He said he would sit in the car out the front of their house hoping to be let back in to her life. I told my H that and he said he wouldn't say that or ask me to change my mind because if I threw him out he would feel he deserved it and couldn't protest. So we have to understand that the WSs are uncertain too. My H says all he wants is a little warmth from me. He is afraid to be vulnerable with me in case I kick him in the teeth. Even when he smiles at me, he is expecting me to frown back. So if I want this marriage to survive, battered and broken but intact, I have to put aside my pain sometimes and just show him how much I want us to work out. And I see that as part of my healing as well as his.
I loved the statement in one of the pizzalady's posts that "Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt you because you hurt me". I hope I get to that point soon (pretty close now) as it will be a major healing step.
You mentioned Ami's post about her husband camping out in the car in front of their house if she kicked him out. Well, I had shown that post to my H when it was first up. My husband cried when he read it, and he told me that is what he would do too. Before Dday six months ago, I don't think I had seen my husband cry two times in over twenty years. Since Dday, I have seen him cry easily a dozen times.
I know my H is hurting. I know he was terrified of losing me because he realized just how much I really mean to him. He shows me every day how precious I am to him, but it is still up to me to tell him what I need and to find out what he needs too. I believe marriage is supposed to be a partnership, so even though I need him to show me he wants me, he still needs to feel wanted by me too.
He knows he screwed up, and after hours and hours and HOURS of talking, he knows why he screwed up. He is trying so hard to meet my needs, as I am to meet his. Even so, I don't believe it is humanly possible--or healthy--for one person to meet every need of another person. I have to think it would a terrible burden to feel that I would have to meet every need of someone else! (Isn't it enough that we had to meet almost every need of our kids when they were younger? It was fulfilling and important, but how exhausting was that experience?)
Anyway, just some blurry thoughts early in the am. Excuse me, must go see if coffee water is boiling yet!
<< But I also wondered if it is fair or realistic to expect another person to meet our every need, to validate us. I also wondered if you have something of your own that you feel good about, maybe a job, a hobby, or volunteer work, something that is just yours, such that you get a sense of pride and accomplishment in what you are doing, not what someone else is doing for you.>>>
Before the A, I always considered myself such a "non-dependent" wife...I was going to school (after leaving a career to raise kids years earlier), active in church and my kid's schools, spent time with friends...To a large degree, all of these things started to seem so meaningless after d-day...It may sound strange but I think a part of me also is afraid to get out there and be independent again...After all when I was at church and school, he was with OW, or talking to her on the phone, etc...You should have seen his cell phone bills from the last few months he was seeing her...You could pretty much tell when I was out living my life because he had so many calls with her at those times...
I do believe that this will loosen up as I heal. We have recently moved to a new state, so I am getting re-established looking for a new job, meeting new friends, etc...I know that will take time...I went back to church for the first time since d-day last week..Church was a big one because as much as H supported my decision to raise our kids in church, after d-day it came out that he resented us being out on Sunday mornings when he was off...The times that I was out with the kids taking them to soccer, etc in the evenings also were an issue...not that he said that, but the fact that no one was home when he got home from work a lot of the time led him to hang around work longer and not rush home, and thus started talking to OW who worked later than he did...That was how the A started...So now we are looking for balance...
So, I am looking for a job, working my way back to church...I am also planning on starting graduate school in the summer (one class at a time)...I also enjoy working out - that is something new that I started since d-day.
<<shouldn't we try to reciprocate to reassure them that we love them? Imagine how hurt we would feel if we thought nothing we did pleased them.>>
I didn't mean to make it sound like I do not reassure him or show him my appreciation for all that he has done this past year...I am very supportive and loving (when I am not in terror mode)...I spoil him rotten in a lot of ways, and enjoy doing it! But when he does something that triggers my terror, it is like I just can not emotionally "access" all of the good things he has done...I don't know if that makes sense....This big "he doesn't love me. How could I believe he loves me?" thing pops up in my being and it's hard to see past that...Does that make sense? I'm really trying to explain this, and it is not easy!!!!!! Anyway, I also do tell him that I am sorry and that I think this behavior will pass as I heal more...He knows I was never like this before....
Wow, what a rambling mess!! Thanks to those who made it thrugh!!
It sounds like you are trying to strike a balance in your life. It is always challenging to move someplace new and start over again. I understand perfectly about triggers. I know sometimes random affair-related thoughts pop into my head, and before I know it, I'm asking my H about the A or making a comment about it or OW, and I blindside the poor guy! He might be in a perfectly pleasant mood when I pounce. But he does his best to hang in there and respond honestly every bloody time I ask him anything. I know it isn't easy for him, but he is trying, as it sounds like your H is trying too. My H and I are determined that we are going to talk the A to death--I think we are well on our way!
On a different note, what subject area are you going back to graduate school to study?
I do understand and feel much the same way about feeling loved. I think I felt very unloved for a long time prior to d-day and then the A.....well, that only compounded the problem.
Although we are both working hard today to identify and meet each other's needs for affection, etc, I feel I need so much reassurance of love from him right now, and when i get off course and can't feel it, it is very hard to access the good feelings of him doing the right thing. it is such a struggle..... then I eventually find that place again and life goes on. I so hope that one day i will truly know he loves me.
The reassurance we seek is hard to find sometimes, I look at H's actions, they are the way of seeing of his feeling for me...a hug, kiss hello or good morning sets the tone of the day.
After the A I needed assurance that H cared. MC told me H had a choice to go or stay...H stayed with me, and put up with the questions, crying , etc that happens during the aftermath of an A. He has changed in many ways all positive all this shows me H loves me...his actions are the language I look for listen to. H knows that he needs to be a little romantic...I need the reassurance that he can be romantic with me because he never was before with me but he sure was with OW...even if it just a phone call telling me Hi..thinking about you...I don't expect it every day, but when he does call for no reason I feel good.
I really have to be in the mindset of today...now because I Sometimes do look back and see the past what he did for OW and get side tracked looking back and not see what is happening today....and that is what I need to see.
Thanks for letting me know my words have helped that means a lot to me
March 28 2005, 8:10 PM
Sometimes there is SOOOO much I want to say and yet I hesitate. I look back on this pain that i have survived and how much I have learned. I want to share it with all of you to let you know it really does get better. However, sometimes, I just feel as if I am a broken record. It is so hard to say you will get better when I KNOW how much you are hurting.
I just remember my friends who were ahead of me telling me the future would be better.. I wanted so much to believe them but this hell lasted for so long and then I would go down to the dumps and fear I would always be there. I just want to shine the light for each and every one of you it really does get better.
Today I was talking to someone in chat an was truly upset that she doesn't read dearpeggy.com every day. That site IS the best thing in the world. There is so much advice and every Monday a new question. Peggy was the original owner of our board. She wrote the Monogamy Myth. She is / was a betrayed wife. She is also a counselor. Her incredible knowledge is like having a fairy Godmother guide you through the minefields of hell.
Please read her website. Please check our helpful links over on your left. Please read. If you arm yourself with knowledge the process can be a lot smoother and healing truly happens. However, you really have to put in the effort. YOU are worth it.
I would like to add to this message...which I think is a good one and something everyone should hear. I remember too...thinking will it EVER get better.
It does...it really does!!! I think too that its very important not to sweep things under the rug because its hard to talk about them or ask the question. Those questions that go unanswered will come back over and over....
Reading really did help too...I didn't understand the person that would do this to me..to his family.
You begin to realize that none of this affair was about YOU. People make choices everyday...and we all live with those choices and we trust those we love to make good choices...but when then don't its not always because the don't value their family or spouse...I think its because they take all of those things for granted and never think they will be caught or have to be responsible for those choices...the person they choose to have an affair with really doesn't mean much, I totally agree that it could very well be just about anyone that is willing.
I do love the fact that I have come out the other side with such a great value of myself and also realized that this problem can be solved and its not the end of the world and life does go on.
I girl friend of mine lost her son last fall....my problems seemed so small...
Life goes on and you will find just how wonderful you really are...just because someone didn't value your family or relationship doesn't mean they are not of great worth. We take for granted everything wonderful in our lives that are their everyday...its when they are gone or taken from us do we realize just how much they are loved and how sorry we are we didn't tell them, or hold them more, laugh more, we are foolish at time...its always wonderful if we can get a second chance,
I was sneaking away to read this thread every free chance I had while I had company all weekend.
El it is so important to give people hope when things seem so hopeless and leave it up to you because you have a way of finding words for things that seem impossible to understand.
I can understand feeling like a broken record because to replay a message over and over to allow people to understand loses its value after awhile and we just don't want to talk about it with the same intesity after 5 years.
Five years is a long time. However I was very busy educating myself and learning things about my spouse that I probably never would have known. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt but I lost a lot of myself to enable this thinking.
He accused me of analyzing things all the time after the A and I can imagine what a thorn I was in his backside accumilating evidence of why he did the things he did. He was exposed for the destructive things he did and could no longer make way for those destructive behaviors that he had grown accustomed to.
The book I'm reading now has a quote that I found interesting, "ACT LIKE SHEEP. THEY'LL ACT LIKE WOLVES." "We need to be devoured by a wolf once in a while."
My H acted like a wolf behind my back for a lot of our married life. He honestly thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me.
I have come to the point where I honestly do not take any blame what so ever for what he did. I told myself I was here many times but I really wasn't. I told mysef for a long time that I was at this point but I seem to be understanding it to a greater degree now.
As time goes on, I find a level of peace that seems to be getting stronger and stronger convincing me that my life is good and I can trust a lot more than I ever thought I would again.
I know I will never have the blind trust I had at one time. However the new trust I have seems more mature and realistic.
I am not the same person I was before. In lots of ways I am better. I left that naive, blind trusting person behind and I look forward with a new outlook in life.
"I know I will never have the blind trust I had at one time. However the new trust I have seems more mature and realistic.
I am not the same person I was before. In lots of ways I am better. I left that naive, blind trusting person behind and I look forward with a new outlook in life."
I have been feeling much the same way. I think that I am starting to heal. I still have a long way to go and I am scared, but I am stronger now! I have read books and with the help of the good people on this board I now know healing is possible.
I also know that I cannot allow my H to sweep things under the rug any longer. We have to deal with our problems and his avoidance is not the answer. The problems will just not simply go away because you do not talk about them or because you escape into the fanatsy of an A. They must be drawn out, identified, and dealt with. If not they will continue and they will grow. Even if my H is not willing to change his avoidant behavior I am willing to change mine. According to the book "Love Must Be Tough" if a spouse is avoidant we have to force the issue to a crisis point and then they have no choice but to deal with it. Since I am new at this I am hoping to use the MC to learn how to do this successfully. And from what I have heard this can cause a greater intimacy in the realtionship and the BS can shed that "doormat" and gain some self respect and restore a better balance of power in the relationship. It sounds good to me!
<<You begin to realize that none of this affair was about YOU. People make choices everyday...and we all live with those choices and we trust those we love to make good choices...but when then don't its not always because the don't value their family or spouse...I think its because they take all of those things for granted and never think they will be caught or have to be responsible for those choices...the person they choose to have an affair with really doesn't mean much, I totally agree that it could very well be just about anyone that is willing.>>
Max, thank you very much for your message of hope...Since d-day H tells me all the time that he will never take me for granted again, that yes, taking me for granted was a part of what led to the A...I must admit that I was guilty of taking him for granted too, though I never thought about an A...Since the A, H values me and our children so incredibly much...after he almost lost us due to the A....and I also see the places where I can put out more appreciation for the things he does...
Thanks again Max...As I wrote to EL and Kat, we need messages like yours to help us see the light at the end of this dark tunnel...
Thank you for your great posting. After reading it, I promptly emailed it to my H, as I often do when I find information I want to share with him. Here is what he emailed back in response (it brought tears to my eyes):
A great posting, I share many many of his sentiments.
It was not about you, it was about me.
I definitely took you for granted (I am sorry for that)
D (OW) was not special, she was a convenience, an available whore.
It IS hard to talk about problems. But we are getting better at that every day.
Most importantly, you ARE a special individual. I think so, as do our girls, as does Sherri, as do your students, as would many other people whose lives you have been a part of. Donít let the actions of your mom, of my parents, of ME, drag down the good that is so a part of your character.
I wanted to share his email because I just want others to know that WS can and do change. They earn the right to be called FORMER WS or just H. We are just past six months from Dday. We both are reading, sharing, talking and examining our lives pre marriage and during our marriage. We believe we have come far together, and we plan on going even further. So hang in there anyone who is having a bad day. Life DOES get better!
This is a post that needs to be redone and reposted several times a year. Those of us that are struggling on the healing road need the wisdom of those further ahead of us telling us that we can make it. Sometimes we can see the light out there at the edge, but there are always those times when it is black and we need people like you to light the candle, turn on the flashlight and show is the way.
Having been on this site for a year, I am so glad to have met so many wonderful people that have helped me in so many ways.
El and Pat, the two of you are such special ladies. You two have helped me so much, with loving prods (like Denise, READ DearPeggy.com!!), wise advice and a shoulder to cry on when those really bad days hit. I think of you two like wise sisters that are always there for a word of encouragement, a hug when we need it, and always armed with kleenex when we're crying.
I love reading about how it can be with a lot of work and a remorseful, loving, hard working spouse. I pray every day that we too can heal and be a whole marriage again.
Thank you Marie for your kind words. While NONE of us is "happy" to be here (me included!), all of us are happy to have found this site and the loving people who post here. I have been helped so very much by coming here, by reading messages from you and many, many other kind souls.
Wow! This has been an incredible thread. El you are wonderful person and really do not give yourself enough credit for being able to convey to others hope in your words. Healing is such a personal matter but here on the healing heart we share it and experience it together.
I used to think that my healing was about my H and I was lucky that he ďgot itĒ and helped me to inch forward from the pain. I have come to realize that just as his A wasnít about me, my ability to overcome the agony of infidelity was not about him. It was about me. His remorse, desire to regain my trust and do just about anything to right his wrong was monumental in saving our marriage. Healing the wound deep inside my psyche was my solitary endeavor. While I connected my pain to his action or words, I remained stuck in a mire of negativity that after a while began to get much too comfortable.
It took me that first year riding that roller coaster to reach a point where I could see my pain as the insecurities and fears I had collected over the years of my life. His A had just opened the door to all of my unresolved issues and they rushed forward to be felt and acknowledged. Rather then squash them with justification of the betrayal that was so new to me I connected them with these new feelings that his A had accosted me with. By doing that I began to understand all of the emotions fighting inside me for the right to be experienced to their fullest. This is not easy to do and I realize how far I have come is insignificant in the scheme of things. I plan to continue to grow emotionally and spiritually inside myself; the possibilities for growth are infinite.
This realization of the potential within me to progress my emotional maturity is one of the amazing goods that I was able to extract out of the pain of my husbands betrayal. I donít credit infidelity with this prize only that it was for me a wake up call to grow. I could have done this anyway or I could have just wallowed in the pain. I chose to see.
Well it seems that El is not the only person with an incredible message on this thread. You have clearly articulated what I have been discovering for myself. I realized that healing my marriage wasn't just about my husband "getting it" and understanding the factors in his background that made him ripe for an A, but also about my understanding how my background and my failure to understand it kept me from growing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You always inspire me.
edited by fairyfriend to make more sense--not enough coffee yet!
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Mar 31, 2005 8:07 AM
Great post Ami. Your post articulated some of my very own realizations over the past few weeks, which has given me inner strength.
Yes, my healing is about me, even though the A had nothing to do with me as a person. When we are forced to a crisis point, such as the discovery of the A, we draw pain from many of our own issues and insecurities, thus blaming ourselves...something must be wrong with us. After the initial shock of d-day wears off somewhat, we see that the A was not about us and we are no longer blaming ourselves for the actions of our spouse, but still feel tremendous pain and anguish that it happened nonetheless. Once I stopped blaming myself for my H's actions I was better able to look at my own issues and seperate them from the A issues. I started working on my own issues and healing myself and guess what? I drew inner strength from that and the issues of the A slowly became easier to deal with. The most helpful thing in helping me do this was the love, support, prayers, and encouragement from the wonderful people on this board, esepcially at a time when my H was not offering any of those things. Like Ami said, the remorse and willingness of her H to do whatever it took to help her heal was key for her. But when we do not have a spouse who "gets it" an outside support system is vital(counselor/support group/friends & family). Reading was the second most important thing that has helped me. Knowledge is power! And by reading many of these books you begin to undestand the hows and whys of what happened, even when your own WS may not know how or why they were able to do such a thing and still claim to love us (even if they're not "in love" with us), and it gives you such insight into their psyche and insight into what an A is really all about. Understanding leads to healing for both of you, and possibly for the marriage. It gives you hope...and I am hopeful
I am so thrilled to read your words. I have seen you go from the depths of hopelessness in your early posts to strength and an awareness of the very real possibility of healing in your recent posts. Hooray!
Thank you FairyFriend. As El said, healing is possible. I am on my way to healing...I feel it. There may be a few road blocks on the way but I am on the right path now. You just need the right tools to get there. And it is a process and it takes time to get through that process. As much as you want to rush the process, you can't. It is something you have to go through. That is so hard to see in the begining and it feels like you will never get there because the pain is just too great. I am still in great pain but I am learning to cope with it and not let it destroy me. That's when healing begins..................