I am a member of the LDS Church. My H committed A 3 years ago (I found out 2/12 years ago) with a married member of my church. I am desperate to talk with someone who is LDS and has been through this. Please e-mail me.

Hi Kat,
There is at least one other LDS person besides me who posts here but I won't say who in case she would rather not say. But, I do want to welcome you here to HH and let you know that everyone here will support you and offer you wise, loving counsel. You are among friends.

Hi Kat,
Just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing.

I am LDS too. I dont know how much help I could be but my hubby cheated at the beginning of our marriage. we have been married for 12 yrs. He was a new convert at the time and i didnt find out till 7 yrs ago. it was with a co worker we both knew and worked with. i knew but was to naive to deal with it then but eventually i did confront him. he admitted it. took probably 2yrs to get most of the truth. we are doing okay but we still struggle. we are trying. we have 5 young children. my email is taligate@aol.com. dont come here much anymore as it just reminds me of tougher times. i am here if needed. alice

Hi guys,

Thanks for responding. It's good to know I'm not alone. My H and I were friends with this other family (our daughters are/were best friends). We all still go to the same ward together--the OW's H forgave her and my H within months (He was called to the bishopric during this time). I, however, am still having a really hard time with it. I was not told about the A until 6 months after "their" confession with the bishop, who wanted my H to strengthen the marriage before breaking the news to me. During this time, My H became a new man and the OW continued to nurture a friendship--although at times I did feel that something wasn't quite right. Am I wrong in feeling utterly and completely betrayed by so many? It all still makes me sick. Especially now that both my H and the OW (who were disfellowshipped) are back in full fellowship and carrying on as if nothing every happened! I just want to shout to the whole ward "do you know what these people did?! UUGGGG it's all so frustrating!

oh Kat, I think you have every right to feel betrayed. Affair recovery is a loooooong process. It takes years to come to terms with so many aspects. It can't be "done" in a few months time.

Obviously, you are hurting and your needs have not been met for recovery. Is your H aware of that? Do you talk to him about how the way this has been handled has affected you? Do YOU want a relationship with this woman and her family? Am I correct that your current Bishop is OW's H?????

Just want to send out (((hugs))) your way.
Jetta

hi and welcome, this may an ignorant question or rather one that shows my ignorance, but i thought there were some sections of the mormans who actively have more than one partner. that is what i have heard, but again that could be my ignorance or maybe only some sections condone multi partner relationships. a bit like some other christian groups believe you can only take the sacrement if you have been to confession, but not everyone has that belief or follows it.

i would be interested to be informed on the above, but given your distress over his A, i imagine that it doesnt matter if such 'multi' relationships are condoned by your church, it still hurts and is painful and requires working through.

again welcome
kath

Kath,

There are actually over 300 break-off church's from the original LDS church, so the confusion over what Mormons believe is understandable. Polygamy was in practice for a very short time about a hundred years ago, but today has no place in the church at all. We are not affiliated with any group who practices polygamy, although some exist and do call themselves Mormons.

I'm another one. I am a life-long multi-generation member. My WS is a teenage convert who never really converted. We were sealed in the temple after his first A. He had a second A 9 years later 13 months ago. Both OW were non-members.

I think as an LDS BS we face the challenge of seeing our Celestial dreams go out the window. We also get the joy of going to church and seeing the "perfect" families around us and hearing the importance of marriage preached almost every week. I suppose that anyone can feel this way but because of the emphasis on family in our church and marriage as the basis of that family, adultery can hit us extra hard.

Add to this the philosophy of forgiveness that is also strongly emphasis and we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. We don't want to brake-up our family and don't want to appear to be unforgiving.

I'm sorry that you have the added complication of the OW being a promiment member of your Ward. I don't know how I could handle that. But I handled the OW being the mother of my H's first child, therefore we have had continued contact.

But I know you know you need to resist the urge to "shout it on the mountain tops" but you do need someone to confide in who will take your side. Hopefully you have a close friend like that outside the ward.

But as a couple people have said, the experience is pretty similar for anyone of whatever faith. Post here often and listen to the advice of these good people.

Trinity

P.S. I didn't realize there were so many of us here.

Wow Trinity...I had no idea, but it helps me appreciate your situation even more.

Let me try to explain some of what Trinity shared which might be confusing to those who know little about the LDS church.

LDS members are married according to civil law but we also can be "sealed" in an LDS temple. To say this is a big deal in our faith would be a tremendous understatement. To be sealed in a temple means that our marriage has been literally sealed for all time and eternity (no "til death do us part"). This is so sacred, in fact, that even if you get a civil divorce, it does not automatically cancel out the temple sealing. Temple divorces must be granted by the First Presidency of the church in Salt Lake City. (and in case anyone is confused, the church fully recognizes civil divorces even when a temple divorce is not granted)

When you have children "under the covenant" (meaning you have been sealed in the temple) they also become sealed to you in the eternities. The hope and the joy is that we all return as families to our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ in the Celestial Kingdom. Family is paramount to LDS members. Those who are not sealed in the temple are working toward it and those who have been sealed are striving to keep it through living worthy of those blessings.

We have no paid clergy and members are "called" to certain positions within the church. They serve for a time and when the leadership feels led to make a change they pray for guidance on who to call to replace that individual. A Bishop (as in Kat's case) is the leader of a ward (congregation).

Kat's H was disfellowshipped which means he could not fully participate within the church for a time but his membership was not taken from him. If some is excommunicated they will have to be re-baptized in order to participate in the church again. If a person is disfellowshipped, he cannot go to the temple but if he was previously sealed, it didn't cancel that ordinance. Once he has been re-fellowshipped, he is entitled to all blessings and ordinances. It is not an easy process. If the person is excommunicated, membership is revoked and the former member has no right to any blessings or ordinances within the church. Not only is the couple no longer sealed for eternity, the children are no longer sealed to the parents. HOWEVER, all blessings and ordinances can be restored if the offender repents and is rebaptized.

TMI yet?


What has helped me is to concentrate on the process of healing along with others here on HH. No doubt our spiritual lifestyle and beliefs add a different dimension to our healing and greatly sways our decision to stay or leave our marriages, but ultimately we are walking the same healing path as everyone else here.

I haven't posted here in awhile but when I read this post, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I grew up in the LDS church. I stopped going to church when I met and married my WH (he is not LDS) and have been back in forth b/w religions. It was actually funny, we went to see a catholic priest after this came out, and he told my WH that it was only b/c of my LDS up bringing I was working through all this. he said our religion is the strongest for family and forgiveness...catholic priest!...anyway, My LDS dad also cheated on my mom several times...we were, and my parents still are very strong in the church.

I don't want to post to much but if you want to talk more let me know and I'll give you my email address.

needless to say I've had a hard time w/ the way the church handled my parents situation. I have not gone to them w/ my own issues this time b/c I fear the same response....but remember the people are not perfect but christ is...

just wanted to let you know I understand where you are coming from...

jk

Well, this post caught my attention. Please forgive me but I’ve been wondering about this question for quite a while now. My H’s family is LDS but I don’t feel comfortable asking them. So, my question is, does a woman need to be married in order to go to heaven? Is it something like she can’t get there unless she has a man’s covering? What if she doesn’t want to get married? Does that mean that she can never go to heaven?

I’m so sorry about your situation Kat. I have some very strong opinions about it but I won’t even go there.

For the record, if you WERE able to get over this that quickly, I’d say there was something wrong with you. I have to wonder why the ‘bishop’ isn’t hurting as badly. Could it be he was or is having an A himself or perhaps he is an expert at hiding his pain?

Religion has nothing to do with it. It hurts like hell. People are people no matter what the religion. How do you enforce ‘no contact’ if they are associating with each other and pretending nothing is wrong?

I believe there needs to be some very strong consequences or they are very likely to start up again. And the Bishop who told them to keep it from you for ANOTHER 6 months, well, that is betrayal upon betrayal.

My H had an A with a so-called ‘friend’ and we refer to that as a DOUBLE betrayal. But in your case, I don’t know what you’d call that. Not only have you been betrayed by your H and a friend, but your church leader, too.

Can you get some help outside of the church? Surely they don’t expect you to deal with this Bishop and his wife under the circumstances, do they?

My heart truly goes out to you.

Teri

The LDS church teaches that a man and a woman make one complete unit. Both male and female need to be married for eternity in a temple in order to reach the highest degree of glory. It is not a case of women need a man to get there but we neeed each other. We each have a role to fullfill and we need the other to complete our greatest goal of raising children and having an eternal family.

I hope this clears it up some for you. And we are not offended by honest questions to clear up misunderstanding about our religion so ask away.

Trinity

Teri,
I'm personally happy to answer any question you have (or anyone has), but I also want to make sure we stay within the rules of HH when it comes to religious discussion. Anything not appropriate to discuss here I am happy to have asked via private email.

To answer your question though...we believe there are different degrees of glory in heaven and the highest level is reserved for those who are married AND sealed in the temple. That goes for both men and women. No doubt in Heaven there will be those who chose not to get married or did not get married for one reason or the other (perhaps they died as a child)- we also believe no one will be denied the opportunity to attain that highest level of glory and God will provide a way.

I think something very important to keep in mind is that misguided advice/expectations for A recovery can be given in ANY clergy situation, regardless of religion. I do agree, though, Teri, that Kat needs to be able to counsel with someone not affiliated with the LDS church - someone who can also help her H see how her pain has been compounded by the way things were handled.

Edited to add: Trinity, I was drafting this and didn't see your post until after I posted mine. Wow, you said it so well and so beautifully.

Eidted again to add: This is the link to the church website - you might find it interesting. I love the Provident Living section - great for financial planning. www.lds.org

Trinity and Jane, Thanks for answering that question and for not being offended. I did know about the different levels but even my H didn't understand as he left the church as a teenager.

I'm glad Kat has you guys for support.

Hang in there Kat. You've got a good support system here.

Teri

Thank you gals for all your support. I have gone to counciling (non-member and LDS family services) It was good to be validated by both. Understanding that this was his issue not mine was an important step for me. Here is my biggest issue...

Why, when he knew if there was ever an affair the marriage would be over (I've made this very clear to him in the past), did he not finish it. Why not leave so I could hit rock bottom and start new. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like if I leave him now, I'd be the "bad guy"--in the eyes of my kids, family, and church. I would be the one to break up our "eternal family"--does this make sense?

for the last 2 1/2 years, H's been the model of a truly repentent person. He has dotted his i's and crossed his t's. But, I don't think I will ever be able to trust or respect him again.

I think many of us feel like that regardless of our religious beliefs. I too would feel like the bad guy. I think what has kept me here (8 months later) is the kids. I would really be the bad guy if I asked H to leave. They would not understand why for a very long time. At the same time, I don't know if I really want to leave. Hang in there.
(((hugs)))
Jetta

Wow. I'm so glad I stumbled into this site. My D-day was a year and a half ago, and since then I've been trying to find something online or a book or anything pertaining to Mormons and infidelity and haven't been able to find anything. I'm a convert to the church of almost 8 years, my husband is a lifelong member, been married 6 years. My bishop was really great, but that's all I can say. I believe in the church, but I no longer believe in its people. The people in my ward saw me coming to church alone and sitting by myself for a year and saw that I was struggling, but no one did anything. Hardly anyone even came up and talked to me then. Of course now that my husband is coming back with me all sorts of people come up and say something. I had even asked my bishop to ask people that he knows went through infidelity and stayed married in the church if they would talk to me. I so needed someone who went through this and in this church to talk to. He asked several people and they all said no. And I'm guessing a counselor told his wife because people I had not told in the ward knew and were gossiping about it and I even heard things spread that weren't true. As if it weren't bad enough! We are on the road to recovery, and now I don't want to talk to anyone in my church but my husband because of how they acted.

I'm so sorry that this has been your experience with the church. I have lived all over the world and attended many wards and branches. Most have been good. A few have been bad.

It is often the case that during a crisis people don't know what to say so say nothing. They aren't shunning you or uncaring; just clueless.

Anyone will tell you the #1 reason people fall away from the church is being offended by its members. All of them in any position are just people and make mistakes includling divulging things they shouldn't and gosiping. You can't base your faith on this. Seek out the good people, igonore the less nice ones.

This is a great place for anyone of any faith. The people here are a great support and give great advice and comfort. Welcome and return when you need it.

Trinity