Hi everyone,I'm feeling lousy today again.I have decided tht I want my marriage to work but how can I stop talking about the "A" and keep bringing it up all the time.I feel like I'm going mad there are moments when I feel fine and in control then there are moments when all of my thoughts turn into such rage and anger I dont know what to do..I feel like if I keep bringing it up it will ultimately destroy everything but I cant seem to help it.The simplest thing and I find myself questioning my H about the whole mess again.Some people tell me that I have chosen to work on my marriage so I should stop questioning and I can help feeling that although contact has stopped between my H and her that I am making him think of her more by talking about her constantly.Any advice please I dont want this thing to destroy us as it was so good before she came into our lives.I know it was a full on emotional affair and i keep thinking that I dont think I'd feel any worse if they had slept together.what do you think everyone?????????

It is quite normal to go on about it.  I would not worry too much.  The way I began to cope was to recognise that the waves of feelings rose and fell in me.. so noticing the change helped me realise that the feelings went as well as came.. It gave me hope for the future.  Second point.. I had to deal with a whole lot of physical sex knowledge post D-day.. Well after about 5 months I realised that the physical side of things was not really so important after all.. Sorry to say this to you but you know this already from your post.  As you know now it is the loss of all that you held dear to you that hurts so much.  On this you have to realise that some of what you held dear was just a cherished dream.. We all have them and it is quite normal.. AND you do have an absolute right to assume that your H should have been true to you.. to me that is the definition of true love after all.  So.. the wake up to the fact that what you had was not real is quite cruel and difficult to stomach.. Well.. it has been for me.  I feel it has more or less destroyed who I was.. and I was pretty well ok before..   So.. it is a kind of death.. not only of your relationship but also a bonfire of your own most dearly held beliefs.  Yes. it is that bad.  We know it and you know it.  The only way for successful growth of your relationship now I feel is for your H to realise this too.. and this is what others here call coming out of the fog.  This waking up for you and him is painful.  The only way forward I found was to begin again.. not try to recreate the past.. but to assume we were going to have a new beginning and see if it was going to work.  Nothing else mattered to me.  And you should not allow yourself to become trapped by thiniking about others.. including children etc.. This is a question of whether you and your H can make each other happy.. and life is short.. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT AND REASON TO PUSH HIM AND TO GET RESOLUTION HERE.. DO NOT DOUBT THIS.. YOU ARE OK TO DO THIS.. YOU OWE IT TO HIM AND YOU AND THE WORLD.

May you be safe and well, contented and happy

Hi Mec,

Welcome to Healing Hearts.

I want to point out to you that you are still in the early stages of healing...talking about the EA is going to happen, and should happen...your H created the problem and now he has to deal with your hurt and your needing to communicate your feeling ..he needs to be totally open with you...accountable for his actions. He needs to be open with you and by that you should have all his passwords to all his stuff (phone, email, blackberry..what ever he has).

On the left side of the page there are helpful links...click on that and visit Dear Peggy, and some of the other infidelity material offered there. There are good books to read...One is... Just Not Friends by Shirley Glass...I believe that is the title..click on Books and then infidelity in helpful links

The A won't destroy you and you can rebuild a better relationship...but the reason your H strayed has to be dealt with so it doesn't happen again.

The hurt of both the emotional and physical A is the betrayal, and that is what hurts so much.

keep posting...we are here for you, it takes time to work your way thru this.

((((hugs)))

Pat

edited to check spelling and add links

Early on, I think most everyone obsessed about the A and constantly talked about it. And I'd call anything less than a year, early on.

People vary about how much detail they need. Some, like me, needed to know everylast sickening detail. Others didn't want to know. Either way it ends up in the realm of emotions and 'why', as Jerry mentioned.

You need to work through your current emotions before you can go on to repair your marriage. He needs to accept that you need to talk about the A. He did the damage, not you. You are not damaging your marriage by trying to work our your hurt feelings by talking about his actions.

This is the hardest part. Time will give you more perspective but there is only one way to get there and that is through the pain.

We are here for you
Trinity

Even though you say that they didn't sleep together, I think it would be worse if they did. To me, once two people have "bonded emotionally", the next natural step is to sleep together to get even closer and become "one", sort of speak. But that is just my way of thinking. I think it has to do with my H being the only man that I have ever slept with and it was a way of me giving myself completely to him. I see sleeping together as an act of becoming one, the closest way of two people sharing themselves with each other. Maybe I should have slept with more men in my past. Maybe this whole "sleeping together" would of been something I could of possibly blown off like many people do in everyday life. What is it they call it?? Casual sex? But once again, that is my thought on that. I think I would have delt a little better if my H's A would have been just emotional. Yes, I would be hurt. But knowing that he kept his pants on would of still made me the only woman that he has slept with since the beginning of our relationship. He would of never of shared his physical body with someone else. It's hard for me to be physical with my H since this whole thing started. I have no interest in it anymore.

Hang in there,
Jetta

Yes Jetta.. you are right.. and I think I have learned something from your post that takes my thinking further.  For me the act of sex with OM.. showed how deeply she felt inside.. how much she was prepared to betray me and accept another in so intimate a way (for her the only other man she has ever slept with!).  So.. yes you are right.. and still it is the emotional dimension ie how she really felt inside that is shown by the sleeping.  Yes?

May you be safe and well, contented and happy.

Yes Jetta.. you are right.. and I think I have learned something from your post that takes my thinking further.  For me the act of sex with OM.. showed how deeply she felt inside.. how much she was prepared to betray me and accept another in so intimate a way (for her the only other man she has ever slept with!).  So.. yes you are right.. and still it is the emotional dimension ie how she really felt inside that is shown by the sleeping.  Yes?

May you be safe and well, contented and happy.

Mec,
We are 8 months into our 2nd D-day (same OW) and are now seeing our 2nd MC. The first MC didn't work out well - but am VERY pleased with our newest counselor.

Having said that...I will OFTEN still bring up something about my H's A. For example...we were taking a lovely autumn woods walk with our dogs yesterday afternoon, when all of a sudden it hit me...THIS was the woods where my H & OW first physically united. Right here. In THIS woods. All of a sudden, I couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't look right or left off the trail without "seeing" them do the bouncy-bouncy. UGH! How could I NOT say something?

So I did. I simply said, "I cannot look into the woods."

And you know what? My H already knew it; he had sensed it. He apologized. He held my hand and asked if I wanted to know anything else about their time in the woods that might "comfort" me with knowledge. So, I did. They would almost sound like mean questions...certainly questions that would remind him of their "connection." I almost HATE asking, because I think it will give him pleasurable memories...but he says they are not. And those memories hurt him, and then he realizes how hurt I STILL am.

In counseling this week, my H said that he knows I still hurt 100% of the time...but that I swallow 98% of it. And that when that 2% "squeaks" out, he becomes very angry at himself when he isn't more patient. He KNOWS the struggle I encounter every day -he knows it was HIS actions that have sent me spiraling. And he wants to make up for it.

Our C said that my H should expect and even WELCOME (!) my questioning because the WAY HE REACTS TO THEM validates my feelings - shows me he has EMPATHY. When the hurt escapes from me and becomes an issue, I need him to be supportive - that's a POSITIVE move toward true healing.

So, those questions you have are valid. There's a purpose, and the purpose is healing. It hurts at the time, but the way your H reacts to them can show you his TRUE attempts at empathy and even love.

Did I ramble too long? I just know, we have had MORE progress with our newest MC in just 2 sessions, than we had with our former MC in 20.

Best of luck.


Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ

JJ,

Your H sounds like my H. Maybe they can hook up and think of a way to make it up us?? Sometimes I think my H is just lost and doesn't know what to do. Or maybe it's just his ADHD?

Sorry to thread jack.

Jetta

Unfortunately the only way for a couple to work through an A is to talk about it.  Many BS's obsess and many WS's avoid it.  This is normal.  But until you are satisfied and you feel you know all there is to know about the A you are going to ask questions and bring it up.  This is perfectly normal.  Also, even after you feel you know everything you will have other questions.  Your H will have to learn to tolerate this...this is part of teh consequences of his actions and he needs to be accountable.

Take Care & welcome....Carol~