I didnt want to totally highjack Lauras post, but I wanted to ask you.... You said your now wife cheated with 4 different guys prior to you getting married. Since you were married, has anything such as her pre-married behavior transpired? If not, how do you think being married changed her? Hmmmm, I guess my question is; how does a piece of paper change someones behavior so drastically?

Also, how did you take the thoughts of thinking that if she cheated and that didnt show that she loved you to actually marrying her?

What changed?

I am with a man that shows very little remorse for 4 seperate A's in the last 2 years. I am certainly having a hard time understanding and trying to find hope.

My first of 4 D days was July, 13, 2006.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!

Coral

Coral,

I just spent the last 10 minutes reading your posts. Would I be offending you if I asked how long you have been with this guy?

Coral,

Please correct me if I am wrong. I dont know about BB's wife, but your H is a sex addict if I recall correctly. That is a whole other ball game.  Remorse does not come easy for them if your H is one.  He needs help with his addiction....he must want help.  Until he gets help it is very possible he will not understand the error of his ways and continue to do what he is addicted to. This is how the addictive brain thinks. Which is one reason why it was so important that my H give up his pot addiction and get help.  It has made a big difference in his thinking.

I also have to say that some (not all) people who cheat prior to marriage do not really feel they are cheating because they made no vows to their partner and there is no legal obligation.  Some times the taking of vows and/or the legal aspect of getting married makes them feel that now they are truly commited (legally and spiritually, as to just opposed emotionally) and they will not cheat. It is kindof a psycholoical key that turns in their heads once they are married.

Take Care...Carol~

Richwins54 - No ofense at all. I am thankful for anyones insight. We will have been together 4 years this coming May. However during this time he spent 3 tours in Iraq, so really out of the 3 1/2 years we have actually been in the same state 2 years. His A's started 4 months after he was dischared from service, April of 2005 and have continued till this past July when I found out and have somewhat continued off and on up till two weeks ago. I have wondered if post-traumatic stress syndrome could be part of this.... who knows.

Carol - I do not have confirmation that H is a sex addict. He has not been diagnosed by a professional. I only wondered that as I found a 25 question self-test online and asked H to take it. A score of 6 or more suggested that he was, well he scored a 15. I strongly think that the addiction direction could be valid.

My questions to BB were asked out of curiosity as to some parallel circumstances in our relationship. It helps to hear other peoples thought process on similar events. I find myself thinking one way and then reading someone elses thoughts on something similar - well, a lightbulb turns on and his words today REALLY made me think.

Thanks you all!

Coral

What changed were several things--she became pregnant by me, we "reconciled", and also I think what Carol said about the "paper" being more of a commitment than just living together. I have no doubt that she hasn't cheated during our marriage.

But her cheating became so flagrant & the things she did to rub my face in it at the time (the story is in one of my former posts) make me wonder what the heck I'm doing married to her in the first place......I suppose she kept me on a string....guess where the string was tied! Impetuous youth....

If she were simply SORRY, I could let this all go!!
I never even bring it up anymore. She happened to bring it up last month (after years of not talking about it), and I just changed the subject....it inevitably leads to another argument, and my heart being stabbed one more time..... I try to focus on her good qualities & stay away from the elephant in the living room....I have accepted that she will never "get it". Never.

Thank you BB - like you, I think that even if this whole rollercoaster was to end, I would have to accept that H will never get it - just as you had to with your W.

That is a hard thing to admit, but I am please to hear that someone, you, even with internal turmoil are able to do that.

I can only imagine how hard that must be, but you give me hope and there isnt much lately that gives me hope. THANK YOU!!!

Coral