I am approaching 6 months on January 13th from my first of many D-days. It has been a hard road traveled and I know that there are hard times still to come. I have gone through so many emotions in the past 6 month that at this point I feel that nothing shocks me anymore. I love my H very much, but I feel a numbness over me. Is this part of the process? Is this something else? A part of me feels like as long as he is home with me every night, what does it matter what else transpires... kind of like I feel like I am settleing and accepting that he still may talk to these OW. (He denies that though.) He has given me no reason lately (past two weeks) to doubt him, but there is just no trust at all.
It was at about 6 months after d-day number 1 that my gut-o-meter was telling me that the OW was still in the picture. I had "cheaply" forgiven H in order to save the marriage and at a very high cost to myself. I was not numb, but I was in denial of the gravity of the situation. My H did not seem all that remorseful and didnt want to talk about the A. We went to a few MC sessions but that was it. H kept telling me the A was over, but for some reason the marriage wasnt getting any better and I had BIG doubts. In fact, I still have doubts. I still dont trust him but we are only just about 5 months past d-day number 2.
I was numb for a very long time after d-day number 2. I am just now starting to release some of that anger. Most of the time numbness is a stage (from my experience anyway, cant speak for all). We cannot move past it until we are ready to deal with the anger that inevitably follows it, in most cases.
You know - that is what I am afraid of... the anger. I have never showed anger towards my H in all this. Dissappointment and sarrow, yes, but anger, no. The only time I showed anger was just recently and that was when I found him and OW4 in his office late at night and they were just talking. My anger was directed at her and I know at some point I will show anger towards him. That causes me fear - just as I pointed out in another post... will the OW look more appealing when I drop the anger bomb? I mean cheap meaningless sex with a OW that wants him or coming home to me.... the tyrant that is mad about his A's...
I had the same fears....that H will run the other way as soon as I push the issues. But I look at it this way, if he stays and does the hard work then great. If he runs the other way is he really the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with...when things get hard he just gives up and leaves? I want to be with a spouse who has the intergrity, commitment, and desire to stick with me when things get tough and work through our problems.
Don't be afraid Coral, if he wants the marriage to work he will take your anger like a man and face what he has done, and do his best to make amends and help you heal and help the marriage heal. If he runs, then you know that he isnt commited to you and the marriage and is still only thinking of himself and his own pain. Getting the anger out is a good thing....it shows your pain...they need to see your pain to understand the depth of the betrayal and the damage they have done. I am not talking about showing anger in any abusive way...just letting it out and letting them know you are hurting.
Take Care...Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Dec 26, 2006 9:04 PM
Well my situation may be a little different in that I am only aware of one Dday with one OW. It was over the second OW's H made my H end it with her in front of us all (over the phone...she was in the hospital having something done....probably a rotton uterus removal(sp.?). She tried to contact my H 3 days later by paging him. H had called me to tell me that she paged him. He didn't call back and instead gave me the number and I called her back and told her off. Since then, I don't think there has been contact. However, the whole thing is still very raw for me. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I get angry still....but not as much. Basically the bottom line for me is that I am forever changed. I just don't feel the same towards him. I am not the same person I was before and my view of life and people have changed....I'm not sure how. I can't explain with words. I am just living my days and doing the best that I can to keep my kids happy.
Six months in I realized I couldn't pretend to be happy while I made a plan to leave and gave an ultimatum. MC or I leave, regardless of consequence (which were and are big concidering we are still in the middle of adopting 4 kids.) He relented and MC finally began. That is when I finally got the gumption to go to IC too. Though H still refuses IC (and boy does he need it.)
6 months and as Hope, was in crazy town.
At the time of 6 months I was beginning to accept what my wife of 20 years had done, but I kept falling back into absalute hurt, and it would throw me into severe bouts of anger,details were still coming out in drips and drabs but they were coming, and every time I would find out something new it would send us back in time and wouold have to start again,as it were.
I must say it was a very hard time at the 6 month mark, because in your own mind you do feel it is time to start to move forward, and yet the pain of betrayel is (to me)is really starting to sink in, and you start a whole new level of emotions, it may not seem fresh in the minds of others involved (if others know aboutit,in my case family did know)and they all think "OK its time to get over it" I would start to think the same thing because of that, but to me the pain was so great I thought there was something wrong with me, that is not the case...the pain to me was fresh and real and is. Others dont walk in my/our shoes, but to them, having NOT been through what I have been through it is simple for them to say get over it you have had enough time.
6 months is short and i at times tried to move things ahead faster than I should have,I am finding now at 12 months it is a very (and must be)slow and methodical process.
I am not saying there is not hope ,there is HOPE, but time does start to heal if both parties are willing
Thank you everyone for your input. Sometimes it is nice to hear that others were once where you are.
As I said, I have never got mad at my H through this whole thing so far. I have cried and he has seen the pain, but I do feel the anger brewing in me.
I know I need to get past the fear that if I show the anger he will see the OW as more appealing and leave... I mean I know that if that should happen then we werent meant to be and he will never see his errors. BUT it is still so very hard to think of thought of not having him in my life.
I dont think anger is a bad thing,i think it has to come out and be seen because it is justified, but it is olso a very dangerous plac to be, as things might be said or done in the heat of the moment.
