My husband has done "everything right" regarding ending the EA and doing what he can to begin healing our relationship. However, I gave him a list of questions that I feel need to be answered in order for me to process and move past his EA. I told him about them first, then offered them to him in writing, thinking he might be able to answer more freely in writing. He said he would work on them and now pretty much has told me he doesn't want to be questioned. His present he is willing to share, but not his past. I feel like I can't move on without some answers. The past cannot help but to be repeated unless we correct it. Is he just feeling so guilty he cannot share, or is he still hiding something? I cannot determine which it is, although my gut tells me he is just feeling like a piece of ****. My MC has said to put off any questioning until our next visit, which we both agreed to. It has actually been a relief to not worry about it, due to someone else's instructions. Next meeting is next week. Any thoughts from either side???

Many but not all BS feel this way. It is normal for the BS to have many questions and want as much detail as possible. They missed a part of thier partner's life. They were left in the dark and lied to about what was going on. They need to fill those gaps to make sense of it.

It is also normal for the WS to not want to answer. They want it over. They don't want to dwell on the details. Especially if they feel openly guilty, they don't want to bring back the things that cause there guilt.

The WS may try to rationalize that they are protecting thier spouse by not sharing all the "gory" details, but they are not. The BS needs total honesty from thier partner to feel safe again not matter what the subject is.

Doing this in MC is a good thing. It will help you stay on topic and find the real answers by not allowing either of you to avoid the question at hand.

Good luck

Trinity

I agree with Trinity.  Your H does need to answer the questions and perhaps if you ask them during MC it will make it easier for him to answer.  I hope your MC sees it that way as well and will encourage your H to be open and honest and understand your need for answers. Let us know how it goes!

Best wishes....Carol~

Is your H willing to do "everything?" Is he willing to read a book you request?

Peggy Vaughn is the author of "The Monogamy Myth" and she uses years of research to show that couples where the spouse is willing to answer any and all questions are far more likely to "make it" in the long run.

Also, if you haven't done so, go to the Helpful Links about the middle of the left side of this page and print off and give him "Joseph's Letter"

-Susan