Almost 6 months from D-day 1 of many and my H is still lieing to me. I dont think I have it in me to try and keep this going.

This really sucks folks and as I sit here and write this the tears just fall.

I really dont want to start a New Year still living within his mess.

I think its time I asked him to move out.

I ask for the strength to be strong and not buckle under his BS of how he loves me and blah, blah, blah....

His quote to me today in a text was "I want to be there with you, bottom line." This after I confront him that I know his car sat for 46 minutes yesterday at OW4, co-worker he still works with, house on his way home from work yesterday. Of course he called me just minutes before he pulled up at her house to tell me he was running late as he had to drop a projector off at his new building. Within two minutes from leaving her house he was on the phone to me saying he had dropped off the projector and on his way home. (I know it was his car as a friend of mine lives in the same area - he is unaware of this and she took a picture of it, license plate and all sitting in this womans driveway.) When he showed up at home, he jumped in the shower and this is not a normal thing for him as he works a white collar job. I can only assume that he was washing away the smells of their sex.

I confronted him last night and he looked me straight in the eye and said he was never there. Got defensive and went to bed. I slept on the couch and other than a few texts today from him about a receipt I was looking for and he found, I have heard nothing.

I just cant do this anymore and I am embarassed beyond belief that I have for this long.

I feel like everything is a joke. The Christmas gifts he gave me, the time spent over the holiday with my family... its just all been a joke.

Thanks for reading this you all. It is a true sad day for me.

Coral

Thank you Ami and I know you are right. It just hurts so amazingly bad.

I have so much to do today and I cant even move.

I have gone to the ends of the earth these past 6 months and I know that no one can say that I didnt try, set my pride aside even when I knew he was still being a liar and try to make this work. I just had to realize that I was the only person actually trying.

Bless your heart for caring.

Coral

Coral,

Do you want to chat for a bit. I have about a 1/2 hour.

Ami

Thanks for the chat Ami, Jerry and BB.

So sorry, Coral. I'm on vacation and just logged on and read your mournful post. My heart is breaking for you.


Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ

Thanks JJ. Your words are kind.

Thank you also Jetta for your kind email.

You all make it just a pinch easier and for that I am thankful.

Coral

PS: H has decided to work late tonight - could have guessed that one. Anyhow doesnt look like I will get to have my conversation with him anytime soon. So I sit and wait....

Update:

H just called me from work and admitted to being at her house yesterday, but it was only just to be cordial and help her set up her 13 year old sons Xbox.

My how nice of him!

I said a few choice words and he said he should have told me and I told him no, it should never have even been a question that you would even go to her house after all that has transpired. I told him he'd better get back to his work and he hung up on me.

I swear people... How stupid does he think I am?

Coral...I wish I could give you the strength to kick him out.  Like Ami said, you have to dig deep inside of yourself.  All it took for me was knowing that OW was still around...the PI did not catch them in the act, but you know as well as I do just being with the OW is a violation of no contact and the lying to cover up the contact only adds insult to injury.  I do not know what else your H needs to do to show you that he still wants his cake and eat it too.  Coral, I am so sorry. But regardless of whether he is still sleeping with her or not he has violated every boundary that you have set.  Now what?  The ball is in your court my dear.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Carol~

Coral, the e-mail address you gave me last night isnt working anymore. i have tried to e-mail you and it comes back as undeliverable. Oh NO!

jwhitm7287@aol.com

Dear Coral,

I have been reading your posts and I have wondered how you deal with such pain!!! I always wanted to respond to you and since you are at such a critical point in your journey I thought I would lend you support.

You deserve so much more than what you are being put through. My friend told me that I had to do what was best for me, try my hardest to make things work but at some point if things remain the same to re-evaluate. In my case, I have decided to stay with my husband without dragging him and our family through the mud. No one else knows except for my priest and this one friend (she to suffers from an unfaithful spouse).

Coral, the steps you are considering are so brave. I can't imagine how scary it all seems. But, you are not to be treated the way your husband is treating you!!!! No ones deserves that treatment and you have put up with way too much.

To quote a therapist I was listening to: She asked a women who lived in a terrible marriage why she was so afraid to leave her husband and told her she must be afraid of being happy? I thought this was a good question to ponder. What lies on the other end for you??? Maybe peace of mind and finding a man that values you and loves you as you should be loved.

My prayers are with you.

Take care.

But it was nice to just touch base with all of you.
Coral, I know you are suffering greatly right now, so I just want to lend a helping heart. I have been there, too.

Healing thoughts are headed your way across the cyber-miles.
BB

Coral,
I'm so sorry for not being here more for you.. I"m sending lots of love your way to get past all of this pain.....YOur H does not deserve you ..... YOU gave him your heart cause you loved him and wanted this to work i remember are email. from way back. YOU can't give to somebody who does not want it...

PLease email me if you need anything.... YOU are a wonderful women who has a lot of love to offer just not to this man anymore.......

hugs and stenght to get you past these hard days ahead....

april

Coral

I don't come to this board much, so I have just seen your post. I am so sorry. I have no advice to give you, just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

all the best

JL

Coral:

Your situation with your husband is unique, and you need to clearly determine what he is doing and why he is spending personal time with this woman when it clearly hurts you. It's not logical that it's because he's a "nice guy", since by doing so he is hurting you. Nice guy's don't hurt their wives like this.

Even though your situation is unique, there are often similarities in with the situations that other people on the forum are going through. One of the great benifits of this forum is that we can read about the situations that others are going through, and often we can see those situations more objectively than our own, then apply what we learn from others to our own situation.

Although I don't know with any certainty at all what is going on with your husband, I will honestly tell you that his frequent encounters with this woman (and we only know about those where he has been caught) indcate that he is very likely still continuing the affair. Whether or not he had sex with her on the night in question is really beside the point, because even if he didn't he probably has at some other time, and even if that's not true, he is still spending time with her, against your wishes. I would not tolerate this behavior from my wife, and I think this might be material for an ultimatium. You need to decide if this has reached that level for you, but I encourage you to look at this as objectively as you can. I know you want to believe his version of the situation, but keep in mind that you found him in her company once already. At an absolute minimum it sounds like your husband does not understand just how serious this situation is, and worse case he is showing that he doesn't really care what boundaries you need him to enforce with the OW because he is still actively involved with her.

I'm sure that you're afraid to draw a line and stand behind it, for many reasons including that you can't be totally certain that he's not telling the truth. However, at some point you have to start trusting your instincts. We've found that instincts are right more often that we care to admit, and instincts should not be ignored.

I'm sorry that your situation is so difficult and that your husband isn't doing the things he should be doing. However, sometimes a WS needs so see reality laid before them before they are willing to make the radical changes needed.

TomJ

Coral, stupid is one thing you are NOT (unless you take the meaning to be something like 'stupefied - ie 'hit' so many times it's hard to take anything more in). Your H is behaving incredibly badly, period.

Don't take me wrong but - like others have said, it's a boundary issue for you - your H is doing what he is doing to you and getting away with it.

Someone said near me recently that behavior that is rewarded will be repeated - your H's 'reward' here is that he is still getting away with sneaking and lies. For so long as he still gets away with it, ie, you don't stand up and say NO MORE, he will still do it, as it seems your H is one of the type many of us here have who will push their lies and evasions right up to the wire and beyond. They will not take the initiative to make themselves behave well, for whatever reason.

I don't know if it's a matter of can't or won't, but for you it's irrelevant - your H will not change anything about how he acts while he gets the same response from you that he is getting now.

Only you can change your actions...and until you do, the hurt will most likely continue.

I know these are harsh words, and they have been said to me too, by wiser heads here on HH - and they were right.

In the end, by putting up with such behavior from my WS, I finally figured out that I was only hurting myself, and that by doing nothing (well, not doing enough - I had things to say, but my carefully-chosen, reasonable words were either not being heard or being twisted into something else)I was effectively allowing it to continue.

I was allowing this to happen to ME, I was effectively condoning it.

Sad, sad, but true; and, therefore, since WS was not going to stop any of it, only I could stop its hurtful effect on me, by saying NO MORE and walking away.

It's a last ditch position for your M I know, but you will find as many of us have that it can be a FIRST position for living a new life for yourself as well.


Think on it.

We're all with you


C

Dear Coral,

Coventrie said pretty much what I said in my last email.  And I totally agree with Tom as well.

I had no choice any longer except to put myself and my children first since my H was still cheating.  I kicked him out because it is what I needed to do for me.  I did not expect him to turn around and say he wanted to save the marriage. The thing here is my H is earning another chance because I am not going to give him anothr one.  I gave my H a second chance and he blew it.  You gave your H a second chance and he has blown it.  Now what?  Let him keep on doing what he's doing or say no more? The choice really is up to you.

I am sorry you are going through this (((hugs)))...Carol~

Dear Coral,


My heart goes out to you!!

Be strong! Take care of yourself!



~Phoebe

Hi there just wanted to say I know how you feel..my husband supposedly broke contact with *OW loads of times and every time I believed him that it was over between them..I even caught him on the phone to her agin after he told me it was me he wanted..I really do feel that their little fantasy world and thats what it is, does not close until they get a shock...and for my husband anyway the turning point in my marriage was when we had separated and id filed for a divorce..I started getting on with life,going out with friends socialising at our house and he could see that I could live without him and would live without him..I never stopped loving him but realised that if he was going to be with her id have to move on..He then started opening up to me,showing true remorse and guilt for what he had done..and unfortunately not every person does that...but I know that if your husband truly loves you and you him you can get through this even after separation maybe its what you need..but you must show him that your life doesnt depend on him...and the hard part is.........if he ends up with her then you are truly better off starting a new a nd happy life on your own and will meet someone that treats you with the love and respect that you deserve..sending you hugs and warmest thoughts.Mec.xxxxxxxx