“H made a "mistake" by having the A.”
First off, “Mistake” has always seemed like so small a word for describing the choice my H made. A mistake is taking a left, instead of a right, or, saying, “Oh crap,” when you write an eight instead of a three in your checkbook. The other part of the word mistake that bothers me is that it implies a one-time event. There is no way an affair is a one-time event. An Affair is a series of mistakes that grow and grow until the point that the offender makes the decision to cross over the biggest line of all, intercourse. In addition, if that were not enough, they continually choose to keep this going. All this takes the decision to treat their spouse like crap, lie, deceive, alienate, and make them feel like they are insane, and this in done on a daily basis for months, and for years for some people. There is no doubt in my mind that mistake is not the right word, it minimizes a BS’s pain. You have every right to feel what you are feeling Jetta, do not put yourself down because of it.
“Why do I feel that I am the one with the life sentence for a crime I didn't even commit?”
Because when we marry, everything we do effects our partner. Our spouses selfishly wanted to believe that this simple fact was not so when they committed the crime of infidelity. You would suffer right along side your H if he were injured severely physically, because he is a part of your life and you care.
Right now, it is not so much love that you are incapable of, but fear of allowing yourself to become vulnerable. That is very normal, Jetta. We are adaptive creatures, we learn from experience, and your experience has taught you that loving your H causes you immeasurable pain. Therefore, you hold back. I wish I could help you see the person I was at your stage of healing. I was a mess. I wanted so bad to be one of those better than b4 couples, but inside I was terrified that I could not do it. I fought continuously, on a daily basis, to hold on to whatever love I could find that I still felt for my H. When it seemed there was no love at all to be found I made myself remember special times in our history. This is not easy in any way, shape, or form, but if it is what you want, you can bring the love back and learn to be vulnerable again.
“Having the A hurt a lot of people (not just me), and he's been dealing with it. Here's my question...what do I learn from it?”
I used to think that the affair hurt me much more than it hurt H. It wasn’t that he didn’t outwardly hurt or show me his pain, it was just that it seemed he lost nothing, compared to how I was feeling and that was that I had lost my whole world, past, present and future, I no longer even knew who the heck I was. I never imagined a person could hurt so physically from emotional pain. I was taken back by the depths of my unhappiness. There were days that I was incapable of doing anything but sitting in a corner and crying with hopelessness. On the other hand, my H was getting a second chance to right his terrible wrong. A wrong I might add, that hurt me, in my mind, way more than it hurt him. It took me a long time to allow myself to see the depths of his pain and that he too triggered and suffered on a daily basis. It took me even longer to not say at that realization, “Good, you should hurt, but it is by your own choice.” The fact that he made the choice, somehow made it OK for me to diminish his pain. As I said above, I fought for the ability to love my husband again, in time that love gave me compassion for my H’s suffering, and I no longer wanted him to hurt, even though he had earned his pain rightfully by his own deeds.
What have I learned from the trauma my H’s affair?
1. That intimacy is the most precious of commodities. That once it is stolen from you there is a hole so deep it seems impossible to fill. Amazingly, this hole can be filled again with determination and hard work.
2. That past the initial attraction, love is something you have to earn and actively work to maintain. It doesn’t just happen, like the fairy tales say.
3. That there is life, love, happiness, after severe trauma and emotional pain. That we as human beings, have a remarkable ability to recover when we set our minds to it.
4. That my marital history can not be erased because of the selfish acts of two insecure people. Even though it seems in the beginning like it all means nothing, miraculously it can come back. It is more precious to me now. I took it for granted. I know longer do.
5. That forgiveness is on ongoing gift I give myself, that has the side effect of being a gift to my spouse or anyone else that I choose to work to forgive.
6. The ability to heal my past hurts. Infidelity trauma opens the door to past hurts. The new pain of betrayal is so closely tied to how we reacted to the earlier traumas in our life, now we have the opportunity, if we dare, to face them and heal from them.
7. This kind of goes along with 6., but I wanted it to stand alone. I was able to learn how to go inside and grow as a person. Personal growth was a huge thing for me.
8. The ability to come to this board and help others who are newly hurt. This makes me have a good feeling, about such an awful experience.
You will get their Jetta, I know it seems like you are spinning your wheels at time. But look back to where you were at the beginning, some things are still the same, but others are measurably better.
Ami
