My wife had an affair. I learned about it 5 years ago. We have come so far since then, but there were so many times I wanted to give up.
Stories about other couples' successes were a great inspiration to me, so I wanted to share mine. Please note that it is a little blunt at times, because I wrote about good times and bad.
I think I read the whole thing. It's a great story of how you and your marriage survived your wife's affair. I noticed that during the first part of recovery your wife continued to work near the OM. Was there ever any reason to suspect that they had continued the affair while she contined working there? Also, did the fact that she was insensitive to your need for her to find a different job reflect other prideful attitudes that she addressed later in recovery?
No, there was no reason whatsoever to believe they continued the affair during the time they worked in adjacent buildings, that they spoke or even exchanged a glance. To me, that wasn't the point. As far as I am concerned, if it takes effort to avoid each other, then it keeps the entire situation on the forefront of everyone's mind. It was maddening to me. It was wrong, and I should not have let it continue as long as it did.
I've heard of others who recovered when the infadel and partner continued to work together where there would be frequent contact, although supposedly no longer a relationship. Maybe I'm just weird, but I wasn't strong enough to do it, and I don't think anyone should be asked to. Maybe sometimes economic circumstances are such that a person can't change jobs, but it seems like there is almost always a choice, and if someone chooses to work on the marriage, then no contact is absolutely essential. Not only out of respect for the betrayed spouse, but to minimize the chances of another weak moment. Alchoholics shouldn't work in bars.
Was it pride on my wife's part, her initial resistance to changing jobs? Maybe. I think she just didn't see the importance of it. She thought I was being irrational. We don't talk about it anymore and I don't know how she would look at now. I know at least this much: She knows our recovery went to a new level with the change; she knows it is important to me; and that would be enough for her now to make the change regardless of whether she thought I was "right."
...Carol~