I posted this on another forum I'm a member of, and someone sent me a link to this board.
I'm copying and pasting from my post there.
I found out nearly two months ago that my husband was cheating. We have been married nearly 7 years. We have two children, one tween age and one toddler. This was the first time this happened.
We of course had a huge fight, but made a decision to not give up on our marriage- that we would go to counseling, he wouldn't see her anymore, and we would try to get past this.
I always thought that cheating would be an automatic deal-breaker for me, but I just can't give up without trying. I love him with all my heart. He has always been a great husband until this, and is an awesome dad.
A few weeks after I found out, she called and told him she's pregnant. She's young, just 23, and apparently my idiot husband fell for the "I can't get pregnant" thing. Yes, I know how stupid that is. Yes, he has been to the doctor for STD testing since then, and will go back for another HIV test in 6 months. We are using condoms for now.
I haven't told ANYONE irl about this. I don't know how to tell the kids. She has been blowing his phone up, and is threatnening to try to keep him out of the baby's life if he doesn't go back to her. He has told her if she tries that, he'll sue her for custody.
Something else I left out- my older child is my stepson. If we split up, I have no
Would you tell the kids now, or later? Any ideas for how to deal? I know we'll probably need to go to a family counselor as well.
I know this post is all over the place and poorly written, but I'm just typing what's coming in my head.
This message has been edited by grrlfan on Jan 11, 2007 3:30 AM
I'm glad you found this site, although I'm sure you wish that you would never had the need to be in this situation. It will be a great deal of help to you knowing that many of us here have experienced the same things you are going through.
Although I can imagine reconcilation could be more difficult with a child involved, it's not impossible. There are a few members here that have children as a result of the A.
Discussing it with your children is a tough one. As I said earlier there are others here who have a child as the result of the A, so I'm sure they could give you much better advice than I could offer. I would make sure that a paternity test was run after the childs birth to insure that it is in fact your H's child.
Marriage counseling and individual counseling could be a great deal of help in the reconcilation process. Come here often and post, join chat if you feel up to it. Everyone here is very understanding and helpful, even if you just need to come here and blow off some steam.
Right now I would not say anything to anyone about the other child...the important thing is that you have a paternity test after the child is born to determine if the child is in fact your H's....and the IC would help you decide when to talk to your children, and family.
Family counseling would be a good step for your stepson...he has to understand why his dad has another child and all the ramifications that will have on his life, and your homelife....IC and MC are going to be important for both you and your H....he has to find out what happened to him that he made decisions that were destructive to his family...recognize and work on himself to become an honorable person following the poor choices he made.
There are members here who are living with the results of their H's infidelity and handling the problems in their own best way.
Keep posting...we are here for you...understand better what you are going thru rebuilding your relationship with your H and dealing with the infidelity.
take care,
Pat
Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time.
Welcome to the Healing heart. Believe me when I tell you that most of us have thought exactly the same, that cheating was an absolute deal breaker, only to find out when we were cheated on that we didn’t want to leave the marriage. It is easy to say Cheating is a deal breaker when you don’t honestly believe the person you love would ever do it to you. So in a way you are applying it to other people and not yourself. Then when it becomes you, you look at it totally differently. It is OK to stay and work it out, it is also very possible to do so.
Now the problematic OW. First off, I am not convinced she is pregnant. OW’s will do all sorts of insane things to try and hold on to the MM, including attempting suicide. In my case the OW lied and said she was pregnant, when she wasn’t, to try and hold on to my H when he was pulling away. To her dismay she learned he had a vasectomy 16 years earlier. Anyway, first verify that she is indeed pregnant. If she refuses to give proof then ignore her and get a restraining order against her.
You and your H cannot entertain any of her antics. She will only be encouraged if you do. That is why at times a restraining order is necessary. Consider one, no matter what.
If she is pregnant, deal with that when you know, until then ignore her. She is unimportant and not your responsibility. If she is pregnant, you might want to consider a third impartial party to be a go between with communications until a paternity test can be done. One step at a time.
In the meantime, definitely get into counselor. Telling the kids is on a need to know basis, and if she is as nuts as you imply, you might want to sit them down and tell them so they find out from you and not her. We had to do this with our sons. As long as you assure them that you are going to do with it takes to repair the marriage, they probably won’t want to have much to do with it. Don’t draw them in, answer some questions if they have them as simply as possible but they absolutely do not need details. All they need to know is that you both love them and have their best interests in mind. Keep them out of this, and keep your affair discussions, which can get heated at times, to when they are not around.
Again, Welcome
Ami
This message has been edited by Amistandingstill on Jan 11, 2007 11:00 AM
I agree with Ami about not taking the OW's word that she is pregnant. Both OW in my situation tried this tactic of saying they were pregnant. The first even said she ended up having an abortion but never showed us any proof there was either a pregnancy or a resulting abortion. I'm still not sure to this day but I refuse to take responsibility for her choices. If there was child we would've done all we could for it and we made that clear to her. But when it came down to it, child or not, I had to insist on no contact until there was proof. She choose to run off at this point.
Point is don't take her word for it. She has proven she is not trustworthy by her choice to have an affair with a married man. Insist on proof. Contact should be limited and supervised even if there is a pregnancy. You should be in the loop.
Trinity
This message has been edited by Pink1989 on Jan 11, 2007 1:13 PM
