Hey everyone I am new here and I feel like my head is spinning over the past year I have had multiple d-days with my fiance but have stayed to try and work things out also I was pregnant and afraid to go out on my own. My fiance has lied on countless occasions about where he's been and with who,dissapearing for hours at a time with no good explanation or not even coming home at all and even lied to me about the nature of his relationship with his ex wife. I have found texts between him and other girls which have been sexual in content- he swears it was just a game!He hides his cell phone now or keeps it on him at all times even taking it to the washroom with him. I also discovered that he signed himself up on a singles dating website and then claimed he thought he was signing up to a chat room, give me a break!! There is so much more but I will talk about that some other time. I'm so hurt and confused and don't know if I'll ever trust him again, I constantly find myself doubting anything he says is the truth and I wonder if this will ever go away. Just looking to make some friends who can lend some support and advice
Welcome to the site. Everyone here is has a bit different situation, but we all have a common understanding of how betrayal feels, the confusion we feel as we try to put our lives back together, and how we need openness and honesty from our partners on all fronts in order to rebuild a relationship with them.
Sadly, it sounds as though your fiancé is not doing any of the things you need from him in order to trust him. For whatever reason he seems to believe that he can do anything he wants, and you have no other choice than to accept it.
Unfortunately you can't control your fiancé, and he's going to make choices based on what he thinks is best, and if he's as selfish as it appears, best for him and him alone.
The hope is that he can change, but in order for him to change it's likely that you will have to change how to relate and respond to him. You may have to come to the point that you no longer want a relationship with him, at which point it may be too late for him to reconcile with you. Unfortunately it is very difficult to predict what will wake up any particular person.
Our forum is filled people who are going through or have gone through a similar experience and who are here to support each other, as for most it is the only place where we can find people who identify with our troubles and experience. Here you will find a group that genuinely cares about the pain you feel and wants to help you through it.
Sorry to find yourself here. I'm especially sorry there is a new little life starting in the middle of this mess.
I understand the dependence you feel on your fiance even though it is clear he is not trustworthy. My first pregnancy was unplanned before I married and my then boyfriend also gave me no reason to trust him. But I turned a blind eye to the proof given to me by my friends because I couldn't concider dumping the father of my baby before I had him.
The things you need to remember is how he acts now is how he will act through out your marriage if you go ahead with it. Do you want your child raised with this kind of realationship as an example?
And two, you are stronger than you think. You can do a lot on your own. It is possible to have and raise a baby on your own. A strong mother is a great asset to a new baby.
My last comment is it's not uncommon for a guy to react to an impending pregnancy by sowing a few wild oats. He is dealing with a percieved loss of freedom by acting like a juvenile. Not an excuse; only an explanation. And not a good reflection of his character that he won't step up to the plate and face his responsibility.
My thoughts are with you. Post as often as you feel the need. Don't worry about bothering anyone here. We've all been in the early days and know how hard it is and how much you may need to talk.
I am sorry for your pain. I know how bad all of this hurts. They will deny, deny, deny, until caught red-handed, and even then they will still ry to lie their way out of it. The cell-phone is a dead give away that he is cheating and I am glad that you are not in denial of the facts. Even if he claims no sex has taken place (which I doubt), well, whatever is going on is still not apporiate for a man who is about to be married. Lying is never acceptable in a committed relationship. It is better that you find out his true colors now, before getting married. I am so sorry (((((hugs)))).
Please feel free to vent, ask questions, and post all you like. There are so many wonderful people here who know exactly what you are going through...youa re not alone.
Reading your post is like reading so many things from my own life.
I too am with a man that I can not trust. My 1st of many D days was this past July and 6 months later I feel no more better than then.
As recent as Friday my H lied to me. I caught him red-handed in a lie and he denied it. Wasnt a big lie, (He was wearing a new watch that I assumed was a Xmas gift from one of the OW.) but when I confronted him with what I thought, I got about an hour of how wrong I was. Then when I said show me proof - you bought it, he came clean.
I have learned that everything they tell you is only about 2% of the truth. I now never believe the words that come out of his mouth regarding all this unless I have the proof.
The biggest thing.... trust your gut. My inner voice is my best friend. I just wish I would have listend to it 18 months prior to my first D day. It may have saved me a lot of time and pain if I would have pushed the questions and thoughts I had back then that I later comfirmed to be true.
What I would have done different? I really dont know, but I do know that I am much more aware now of what is happening and going on around me behind my back.
My thoughts are with you. Take care of yourself and trust that inner voice.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
So sorry you find yourself here. I have recently joined the group and am finding so much relief in just getting it out.
Eeryone needs to make their own decisions and we all have our own stories but there are some real red flags in your situation.
My husband cheated on me before we were married but I told myself that we hadn't committed to eachother yet and that he would change in marriage. And he did...for fifteen years. Then, the A's started. I so wish we had gotten help before we married and I hope you will consider doing that....individual help and couples counseling. He needs to understand what he is doing and why he is doing it and you need to decide if this is the right situation for you. It is really horrible to live with the regrets I have today.
Susan makes good points and her experience might be something that you want to draw from. It's unfortunate that you already have a family with your fiance, because you would be able to make your choice more freely. You mentioned something in your other post that indicates you are dependent on your fiance'. How much you depend on your fiance' financially? What other ways are you dependent on him right now?
Many times a betrayed partner finds that they need to take some steps toward establishing their independence in order to have the ability to enforce the boundaries they need to set with their spouse. For example, if a betrayed spouse is not employed, they often need to find work at a reasonable pay in order be able to leave the relationship if it comes to that point. Sometimes that requires training or educational work prior to finding the job. What types of steps do you need to take to reduce your dependence on your wayward partner?
