I just wanted to thank you TomJ for welcomeing me to the site. As crazy as it sounds I dont feel welcome anywhere. The people at church look at me like I am crazy for trying to work out my marriage. Our church offers Divorce recovery, health and all kinds of classes except marriage counceling. We asked them if they could help us pay for some of our counceling since our insurance doesnt cover it and they said that statistically marriage counceling doesnt work so they couldnt help. We are going to both individual and couple counceling plus I go to a support group by my self and we go to a couples group together. Our whole life is consumed by his A. Almost all of our finances are too. Its weird how most people that talk to me when I tell them how hard my H is working to fix things they look at me like "you poor niave baby". I love it when people ask how are you guys doing? I always think why would you ask me that, up until I caught my H red handed having an A I thought we were great. obviouslly my perception of my relationship is a little off. I hope that being apart of this site will help me gain understanding of my own feelings. My H is trying so hard to understand and has slipped a few times and said he knows how I feel, but I have to believe that being betrayed is far differant then betraying. I have been so blessed by getting to see God's work so close up. My husband is genuinely a new creation in Christ. I am very proud of him for giving up himself to God. Well thanks again,
I did not get a chance to formally welcome you to our site. Here you will find people that do understand why you stay, because we are either where you are or have been where you are. Those who have not been through their partners betrayal simply can not understand most of the time, although there are those that can surprise you. I guess I was lucky, the people who knew were supportive, if they weren’t they kept their mouth shut.
I encourage you to share all with your husband, even though I know it will hurt you and him much. Sharing builds intimacy, particularly sharing pain. Statistically those that make it have reported talking the affair and affair feelings to death. I and my husband our one of those couples that have made it through to the other side. We are 5 years from our D-day and doing extremely well. For both of us the affair is now set in the past, every so often there is a need to discuss it, for one reason or another, and we are able to do so calmly. It takes time, but you and your H can get there too.
Look into this program www.retrouvaille.org we attended our first year in affair recovery and found the things learned their invaluable as have other couples from here that have attended. They will work with you on the cost.
I'm sorry that your church isn't more supportive in your efforts toward reconciliation. It sounds as if they might have views against counseling in general, without really thinking it through.
Does your church offer any assistance for those struggling with the effects of sin, either to help them take responsibility for the consequences of it (in the case of someone who has sinned) or to help them accept the consequences of it (in the case of someone who has been affected by sin)? Is your pastor willing to shepherd people who are struggling with these issues? If your church doesn't offer it, then there are others that will, even for a non-member who is in need. Some churches even have trained counselors on-staff. Depending on your ability to pay, you may or may not be required to pay an honorarium.
Do you think your husband would be willing to join our board on the Open forum, where he can participate in our discussion? We have other wayward spouses who post there who I'm sure would be willing to offer assistance to his struggles.
A lot of times a big part of working to recovery is finding outlets and resources where guidance reflects a real knowledge of what it takes to work in recovery. Unfortunately there is widespread availability of poor advice, even in the church. However, there are plenty of good resources to be found, both secular and spiritually based. Check our "Healing Links" for a list of resources. Many of these are very good, and of both types. You should check out the Retrovauille and Marriage Encounter programs found on that page. Several people here have attended the Retrovauille program, and my wife and I attended the Marriage Encounter program. In addition, you might be interested in reading the book "Rebuilding Your Broken World" by Gordan MacDonald. Another good resource for the WS is "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair", available on htttp://www.aftertheaffair.net.
You can use these resources while you try to work something out.
TomJ, I have talked to the pastors of our church and they offer food pantry, alchohol addiction assistance, divorce recovery classes. We have a pastor on our staff who is a counselor and when we talked to church they would not even let him counsel us because that might take time away from what his job duties were. We have not went to the church board yet and are trying to decide wether God wants us to stay there or change churches. It is a very large church with tons of programs and great childrens department. We were saved and baptised in that church. It just doesnt seem to stand for the bible any more.
I do think my husband would be interested in being involved on the open forum. I will ask him about it. Its funny you mentioned Marriage Encounter. We went to a marriage encounter weekend when we had only been married 7 weeks. We thought it would give us all the tools to stay happily married. Thru the last 18 years we have attended many weekend conferences, small group studies and I have read everything Dr. Phil has ever wrote and tried to get my H to even consider any of it. He was always angry, would say he had a bad day at work but never wanted to talk to me about anything. Our physical relationship was always very active but it never seemed to make him happy. Whether I wanted to talk about my day or the kids or the dog he just sighed the minute I opened my mouth. Everything I tried to say to encourage him to read or ask others he would dismiss or reply "you should just except me the way I am, grumpy" I actually did that. I went on being happy with my kids and life and overlooked his attitude. He was nice sometimes but distant emotionally all the time. He is the opposite now. I am the distant one. I know we are going to survive this but I want to feel something. I want to have fun but nothing seems to make me smile these days. Not the kids or the flowers he brings nothing. I think he is sincere about doing whatever it takes to fix things but I am afraid that I am to badly broken. I dont know..... everybody says it takes time. I am a immediate response kind of person. I hate not having any feelings. I have read about 20 books about infidelity in the last 10 weeks. They all say it takes time. I feel like every song, situation, destination somehow reminds of the the A. Though I dont get too angry I just get number and number. oh well im gonna go read the book I got today. talk to you soon and thanks for the support.
>I feel like every song, situation, destination somehow reminds of the the A. Though I dont get too angry I just get number and number.
Barbara! That's exactly how you "should" feel at this point. Don't sweat it too much, don't put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. You've experienced a deep emotional trauma and you need to recover from it. If your husband's love is sincere, then he will wait for you. After all "Love is patient". Just keep doing what you can to maintain the relationship. Do what is right even if you don't feel like it at the time. Share your feelings with your husband, being open and honest, yet compasionate and kind. Protect his heart as much as you can.
My wife attends counseling at a different church. Her reasons are different, mainly that our pastor was changing when she was starting, but it is possible if that is what you're seeking. It sounds like you might not want to counsel at the church you already attend if they are not based in the right foundations.
>read 20 affair recovery books...
All in all, it sounds like you're doing very well. Just remember that each book has something to keep and something to be ignored. You will know which ideas fit if you use wisdom and truth.
