DDay has been over a year now. As I sit here reading other posts, I just realized that I don't want to do anything in my M. I am merely coexisting with H. I ask myself why I haven't made the effort to work on our M. I'm not sure of the answer. Do I fear getting burned again? I don't think I will ever forgive myself if it happened again. Is he not taking the initiative in making something move? Maybe he is too busy trying to deal with all his issues (ADHD, Dyslexia, his father, his high depression). I do remember him saying that he is trying to work on himself, but how long do I have to wait to see more effort in healing our M? Am I expecting too much from him? How long do I wait for him to deal with his issues to show that he wants his M? Does he want his M? Do I want my M? Am I not being supportive of his issues? To answer that last question, no. I am not supportive of his issues like I could have been before this whole mess. I can't fake being supportive when I'm not there 100%. I feel like I am now the one being selfish because they are his issues and he can figure out how to deal with them. He is going to IC and is attending a 6 week class on depression. I am not mean to him. I just don't have much to say. He also doesn't share much. I have to ask him about his classes or how his IC session went. Why do I need to ask when he is the one who says he needs to be more open and communicative with me? When I ask, I feel like I am being nosy. He took the chance to have an A. Why can't he take a chance to try everything he can to convince me that he is becoming the man he thinks I want? The man he wants to be? At the same time, how can he (if he does) expect me to be the lovey, dovey wife that he so desires after a huge blow like the A....and so soon? So what I see in the meantime is him holding out on trying everything and taking that chance to "win me over". This is the man who once stood up in a crowded restaurant to pledge his love for me and announce his marriage to me. Oh yes...young crazy love.....that's what that was. I now see the guy who gets defensive when we "discuss" and then tries to turn the situation around because he feel that he is being attacked (before and after Dday). Then he tells me that I like to stay angry because it keeps me in control (the C talking and him repeating). No, I am angry because that is how I feel. He wants me to move foward. Now that makes me mad because he is telling me what to do instead of understanding what he has put me through. In these heated discussions, I just stop and take a real good look and wonder who the he!! he is. Is he for real?? Then I ask myself, is it me??? I don't know if trying to communicate with one another is useless and it frustrates me to try anymore. So I don't want to try right now. Letter writing was something that he did, but only did it two times. Just because I didn't respond, he stopped. I stopped responding to see how soon he would give up. I guess for me, I want to see how hard and how far he would go to make me believe he loves me and wants to stay married. So far he has flunked. The burning question that keeps coming back to me is the one my IC (his IC too) asked. She said "Do you think you have outgrown XXXXX (H's name)? Sometimes I wonder if I have because at times we are just in two different worlds.

Sorry such a long, boring vent. Just a realization that I am doing nothing to make things better.

Jetta

After reading your post I felt very inclined to tell you alittle about me. My D-day was only 3 months ago. I have a house full of kids and 18 yrs of marriage under my belt. I was were you were 6 wks ago. I wanted my H to jump thru hoops to prove his love and commitment for me. I even said to him " you didnt have any trouble courting your girlfriend dont you think I deserve 100 times the effort" I then remembered something I read in one of the infidelity books. Make changes in yourself. You cant be perfect. His affair is never your fault but we can always improve ourselves and stop waiting for someone else to improve our quality of life. Its your life, make your own joy. I read Divorce Busting to help me decide wether I wanted to leave or stay. Then I read Recovering after his affair. That was the best book I have read so far and I have read about 20 in 3 months. The thing I decided was while I was waiting for him to entertain me my life was on hold. I was also curious how hard and how long he would try to win me back. It consumed my life. I decided to be the person I wanted to be. If he is in a train wreck tomorrow I will not be able to depend on him for my happiness... so why depend on it now. The other profound thing I was told by a very wise friend is that God will judge me as I judge others. God will give me the same amount of grace that I give others. He showed me the bible verses which put it in black and white. I need grace and forgiveness so by not extending them fully I am only robbing myself. Infidelity has been the deal breaker in my mind since I was a teen. Its betrayal in the harshest form but though I have not made that choice I have made other choices in my life that were the best. I need grace and I deserve to be happy. Both of these I get because I give. You realy dont want to put your happiness and sanity in someone elses hands. The books I mentioned are great maybe you should look them over. I hope you choose to be happy for you. Dont let his A take that from you.

Jetta,

Please read and reread Barbara's post...Your H is doing his thing right now...you do yours...once he tackles his issues he then may be ready to help you heal the marriage...but if he doesn't then you will be ready to tackle a new life.



Barbara, regardless what happens in your relationship... you have learned the most difficult lesson there is to learn. To put yourself first and please yourself not in a selfish way but learn to love yourself, be happy with who you are. It took me a while to learn that lesson.

and

I also want to welcome you to Healing Hearts, you have found a wonderful place to heal from infidelity and we all understand what you are experiencing.

((((hugs))))

Pat

Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time.

Just wanted to say what a great post Barbara. It really hit home with me, thank you.

Jetta,
As I have examined myself I have come to realize what a people pleaser I am. Some call it an enabler. So many things I did in my daily life was for others exspecally my H. I reminded him to take his medicine, I made his DR's appts. for him, made excuses for his selfishness or rudeness,I brought home all the books, signed us up for all the seminars, I willingly took all responsibility off his shoulders.... in doing so he never suffered any consequences for his choices. I also gave so much of myself that I forgot who I was and what I needed and believed in. On D-day I made him leave our home. I canceled all the credit cards, froze all the bank accounts, filed for child support, contacted an attorney I didnt want to hurt him I just felt the survival instinct to protect myself and our 4 kids. If he was capable of all he had done I had no reason to believe he wasnt capable of more. I did okay charges for 1 week at a local hotel for him to stay while he waited for his next paycheck. I had no intention of being unfair in spite of what he had done I was determined to show my kids that just because someone does something against you it doesnt give you the right and ultimately wont help the situation if you do something that is wrong also. I made a list of our assets and checked off the things I wanted. I was more than fair, I didnt want him to sell his motorcycle and other thing to give me half the money but I was not going to uproot our children from the home they were all born in to split the money with him either. Needless to say he was face to face with the consequences to his actions. He didnt like not seeing the kids, not having access to our home or our money. I explained that I didnt have access either so I was also suffering his conseqences. In that survival mode I realized that he put us in that situation and that was the facts. I read boundries the night he left and decided to apply it to my life in the kindest way that I could but I needed to set boundries for myself. Once I began living within my own boundries and not allowing anyone to invade my boundries I began to realize how much of myself was missing. I had given it away by letting people cross my un-announced boundries. I went and got a massage, I called my friends to support me (knowing that some would judge my H harshly) He chose to have an A and the consequences of that were that his reputation and integrity would be crushed. I wasnt going to deal with my pain alone to cover for his mistakes any longer. The more things I did for myself and the more things that I forced my H and kids to take responsibilty for (they should have been being responsible for all along)the better I felt about me. The more I found of myself. I had to try to figure out why I had enabled for so long, what was I getting out of being an enabler. I got recognition from friends and family about how I was super mom and such a great giver. When I didnt get those responses (which I rarely got from my H & kids) I got to feel sorry for myself, be a victim. No more. Every one in this world has stuff they need to be responsible for... in thier jobs, relationships, society. Taking those from my kids and H was actually hurting them, making them be irresponsible people. If my H doesnt take his meds. he will have a siezure. He knows that and its his choice. The burden of taking everyone elses responsibilties kept me from taking care of my own. To take care of myself emotionally, physically and most importantly spiritually. I still am a giver but I will never again give more than I have. I dont want to feel sorry for myself or be a victim anymore. I want to healthy in all areas so that I have more to give. When you are depleated you cant do that. Write down everything about your H that bugs you and see if you are contributing in any way to those things. You will be suprised, I know I was. Just changing me has profoundly changed the dynamics of every relationship im in.... for the better,much better. If they choose to change themselves it can only get better but you cant put your life on hold waiting for someone else to make the first move. You move...your worth it...be responsible for what you have control of and that is YOU. Be good to yourself, take time for yourself, most of all be honest with yourself. Have a great day today...because you choose to.
Barbara

Jetta,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

Something you said in regard to wondering if you have outgrown your H.... That hit home with me. I have wondered that too in my situation in many aspects. How can we not have that thought cross our minds? Sometimes I feel like I have passed him up in how I handle issues in so many ways; choices, mistakes, relationships... FORGIVENESS. I wonder if we will ever be back on the same page - or maybe we never were on the same page and never will be. I can certainly say it is a feeling of being lost. There is no better way for me to describe how I feel.... lost.

You have a lot of good advice here and wise words. They benefit me as well and I appreciate your post and the reponses you have got.

Take care girl - you are a wonderful person.

Hug,

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

Wow, Barbara! You are awesome, awesome! I loved reading your post! That is what I am doing also, and I have to say, I am so much happier with the payoff of being empowered to make my life however I want than I ever was being the victim, the bottomless giver, or the martyr. Again, I loved reading your post, it just reinforces the direction I want to go. Keep up the good thinking!

Jetta! You are a great person with a great mind! I have no doubt what Barbara said is right. You can take your life anywhere you want it to go, and it is so much better than waiting for your H to make you happy. My goodness, I wasted so much of my life waiting to see if my H would step up to bat. He never did. Hey, but that doesn't matter anymore, because I can be happy regardless of what he does!! That is one of the best things I could possibly take out of this is the power to reclaim and direct my life. I'm here rooting for you, and sending you much love!

Love,
Reb

Yep Jetta...It's all about putting yourself first and taking care of you. I am also a people pleaser, but not an enabler anymore, although I was for many, many years.  I just make sure that I put myself first, and then I do for others.  I found that in putting me first I am actually in a better position to help others...make sense?

The real question Jetta, is why do you feel guilty and selfish putting yourself first?  I could not put myself first until I was able to answer that question and deal with my own issues. Once I did that I gained the self esteem, and self respect that I needed to put myself first. Now I take care of me, although every now and then I slip back for a brief second.  And that's ok.  I catch myself and remind myself that I am worth it.  Jetta...you are worth it too.  And when you believe that you will have no choice but to start taking care of yourself and putting yourself first

You can do it!  I am proof ....Carol~

Thanks everyone for your responses. I appreciate your support.

As far as putting myself first? I don't know if I'm already doing that. I know there are things within myself that I can improve on. The A saddens me a great deal and every once in a while I go into a funk. But then I snap out of it almost like I don't care anymore and go on with my day. I love my job and love my life with my children. He had the A and it is his problem that he needs to deal with. It's like I don't want to deal with that issue anymore. I am beating a dead horse because everytime I ask about the A, he says less and less about it. I just don't know if my whole attitude has changed into an "I don't care" attitude at this stage. Is that normal?? He can do what he has to to make himself feel better. However, if that involves another A....he is totally OUT and I will feel no guilt in leaving him when it comes to the children. Yes, leaving him now would make me feel guily that I didn't give him a chance to earn his way back into my heart (which is stone right now). The way I look at it, he needs to somehow use this chance to be the one to begin the healing/talking. What I see in him is what I have always seen in him..... a lack of effort and me taking charge with everything. I am not doing that this time and I am not going to sit, wait and wonder. I will live my days and continue on doing the things that I enjoy. Does that sound selfish because sometimes I wonder if I'm doing that the right way?

Thanks

jetta

I so understand about the doing nothing thing and not wanting to!
Wow- Barbaras post was so good!!!! I loved reading it!
I am in such a funk myself and I really need help getting out!
My H had an affair Oct. 2005. I found out in Nov 2005 and confonted him. He finally admitted it. We started counseling over a year ago and it has basically been single counesling not marriage, he has not done anything to work on US!!. WE have really done nothing to work on the marrrige. He is still having his Affair and she is already planning thier future together. Nice huh?? He moved into an apt this week and I am just trying to cope . We have one child 12 and they are having a really hard time and blaming me for everything.
We already know this is heading for divorce (I so wish it was not we have been together for 23 years!!) I have tried so hard to do the things he always wanted with no luck. I have tried to work on myslef but sometimes I get so depressed and sad I dont know what to do anymore. I sometimes feel sooooo very lonely!! I miss so much stuff! I need the motivation to get the hell out and move on but I don;t know how to do that! You would think after this long and knowing everything I do I would be able to but I still Love him and i hate to even admit it. He keeps telling me that we are just not good for each other right now becasue he wants to be with her!! She was married when they had thier affair and I still wish I contacted the Husband, I am not even sure they are even fully divorced yet! I just am so sad sometimes and I dont really have anyone to turn to. I will listen to anything you have to say becasue I need help with trying to deal with it all. Sometimes I get so mad and I am like screw you and other times I am so sad and I hate to throw away 23 years but that is what he is doing and he could care less!!! I went to individual counseling and they kept telling me to just get out of it becasue it would not work. I am so sorry for the rambling. I have been trying to post because I need to vent so bad. It gets so bottled up inside I feel like I am going to explode sometimes. Please help!

Minxmom, I so feel for your pain and confusion. Like most of us here, I know what it is like to feel disoriented, lost, and rage for what seems like a wasted life. But, as people have told me, it wasn't wasted - you have your child and if you recognize it, your dignity. You weren't crawling around in the gutter like your H. So hold your head high.

I was at an AA meeting tonight (my cheating, now loving H is also an alcoholic) and one woman was talking about her betrayal several years ago. She said to me, "There are six billion people in the world. I can't allow myself to be defeated because one of them chose to leave me." So much easier said than felt but it did give me some perspective. She also talked about how much better she feels about not having gotten down in the dirt with him and that she somehow found the grace to behave in a way she could be proud of. I am not there yet and contemplate all kinds of very un-dignified revenge but my goal is to find the serenity and self respect that the woman I met tonight was capable of. That is the person I admire and want to be like, not the pathetic, head-in-the-sands, martyr-masochist I was. And, as simple as it sounds, it is taking me a while to learn that nobody can change me but myself. Change isn't easy but it is necessary for me if I want to find happiness.