I still check into this site to see how everyone is faring.
Dealing with a WS is the most dificult thing I have ever done.

It has been a year and a half since initial D-day, 9 months separated with three failed reconciliations where I took her back only to have more Ddays. We are going throught divorce proceedings which I pushed through in October and at the time she was ok with that. Now she desperately wants back, but after being manipulated by her for so long, I find myself incapable of trusting her the slightest bit.

I feel guilty that I want to just get divorced so I can feel like she has less oportunity to manipulate me. Guilty that I gave up.

If anyone has been through anything similiar, I would appreciate your thoughts.

mws

MWS,

I have not been in your situation...but there are some members who do still visit there who have been where you are now.One is Lisa ...hometowngirl...you can search the board for some of her posts...she finally divorced her H...there are also some former members who stayed in your situation for a few years finally divorced their wives after a lot of hard work to save the marriage on their part....but the work was mostly on their part...not on their former WS's part...it takes 2 people to work on a relationship, not one...there is no relationship

The one thing that you have to remember is that you did all you could to rebuild your marriage...should you be feeling guilty...NO...at some point you have to say enough is enough ...to save your own sanity....and only YOU know when you have reached that point..if you have doubts...talk to an IC or your minister...they will help you see your course.

Someone said a long time ago..that when the WS is manipulating you, it is like a car crash...why do you want to keep crashing your car.

I am for working to save a marriage, because a marriage that has been tainted by infidelity can be salvaged but both people in that relationship have to be willing to rebuild the marriage/ relationship.

Pat

Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time.

Hey you have nothing to feel quilty about.
Did you have an A?
Did you lie and cheat?
She should be the one to feel quilty.
Dont confuse quilt with empathy.
You probably feel some level of pity for her and grief over your lost marriage.
You have to know that this is not about you.
You have to know that she made her choices and you setting boundries is nothing to feel quilty about.
Chin up. I am sorry you are feeling bad.
I fear having to enforce my own boundries with my H. So far I havent had to but if he crosses the line I know that I will.
Do something nice for yourself and dont have any more communication with her than you absolutely have to. Dont give her the opportunity to push your quilt buttons. This is her baby,not yours. If she can make you feel quilty then she doesnt have to.
Stay strong. Let yourself grieve.
I am really sorry that you are hurting.
keep posting, the supports good for you.
Barbara

I know exactly how you feel about having guilty feelings. For 5 years I went through multiple A’s and D days and was very confused what to do. I left her last April and filed for divorce in September. She made me feel so bad after I left by making all these promises I knew she could never keep. It’s been very hard on me because we were married 17 years and part of me still loves her. She is now moving in with someone she met a few months ago and my divorce will be final next month. To this day she still tells me that I will always be the love of her life. Some people just can’t change. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life with someone I can’t trust and respect. I’ve been learning I have nothing to feel guilty about because I tried my best to save our marriage but it takes the full commitment of both partners. Like your wife, my wife is also very manipulative and good at making me feel guilty. It’s amazing how we can feel guilty for something they did. Take things one day at a time and try and do things that make you feel good, good luck.

Dont feel guilty for having the self-respect to get yourself out of a bad situation.  I tried to hard but he was still cheating so nothing was getting better. It took me a long time to get to the point to be able to kick my H to the curb, after d-day#2.  The A would still be going on had I not stuck up for myself.

And I agree with what everyone else has said.  You have nothing to feel guilty about...it takes two people to make the marriage work. She obviously was  not able to her share.  I am sorry.

Best wishes....Carol~