I'm just at the end of my rope. In a nutshell, my d-day was April 1st and then June 12 of 2006. OW kept trying to contact H through work email through the end of October of '06. He finally called her with me there listening on speakerphone and told her that she couldn't email him anymore, just like he told her all othe other times and she continued with the opening line "I know we shouldn't be talking, but......". I know I should be happy...but I can't get over how NICE he was to her....

I know the affair is over...I fully believe there is no contact anymore, and dh has been remorseful and trying to make our marriage work. I should be happy....right?

I still wake up every morning just shaking my head that this happened. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he had sex with someone else....can't get over all the lies he told her.....that he allowed her to tell me obvious lies in the hopes I would leave that will affect me for the rest of my life. She got to say, do and act anyway she wanted....with not one repercussion. Not one. She got to go on short term disability leave because she was "under stress", then get a new job, a new home, and in the future, she will get to have a marriage that won't be tainted by this. How nice for her. Don't get me wrong, I blame H for 80% of this--however, I do feel as though she is 20% to blame--she knew what she was getting into, knew he was married, had a newborn and 3 other kids, that we were living together...etc., she just didn't care. She informed me on D-Day in June that she was a "good person" and that she was maybe....maybe 2% to blame...because, afterall, I "should of been smart enough to know that he would never give someone like her up."

And my H? Well, he got to have an affair and throw me away like a broken up old chair on the side of the road and replace me for 3 months with a newer, prettier chair. And when he decided that he didn't want that anymore, he still has his same home, same wife, kids that don't know anything (thanks to me covering for H's butt about "where was dad" and "why are you mad at dad?" since I refuse to burden them with this, ever) same job, same everything....the only thing he doesn't have is the happy-go-lucky wife he had before last April. Now's he's got this crying, depressed, untrusting, wife that feels like a worthless piece of trash.

I just keep spiraling downward further and further and there just doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. I know a good wife would just "get over it"....but I can't. I'm so deeply hurt....and don't see anyway out. Our sex life isn't special anymore....he's shared it with another person. He claims it's more special than ever to him...I don't feel that way. It feels like I'm the only one who has to pay for their mistakes....and I'm ashamed and deeply embarrassed to admit that I want her to feel what I feel on a daily basis for just five minutes. To feel the insecurity...the embarrassment...the worthlessness. But she won't.....ever....and what ticks me off even more....is that my H dealt the cards this way so that she was able to sneak off after helping him cause all this damage and start a new life. Yeah, I know....life isn't fair. But her life seems pretty setup right now thanks to my H.


I know I shouldn't dwell on the details. I love my H, I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life either. I'm at a place that I feel like I can't live with him and I can't live without him. Like I said before, he is remorseful, but he's tired of the tears and my anger about the whole situation.

I feel like a joke....an absolute fool. No, I'm not in counseling...can't afford it right now because H's job has tanked and he isn't making enough to pay the bills much less pay for a counselor. I probably need meds, but am too embarrassed to go to another doctor and have to relive telling this tale all over again. It was bad enough telling the GYN nurse, then retelling my OB/GYN, and then retelling it yet again to the student doctor when I got meds for the STD I got.

Somedays...I just don't want to get out of bed.......

We are certainly at the same point! Wow, other than a few minor details, I couldnt have said that better myself in reference to my own situation.

You are not alone in how you feel. I am not quite sure how to make it better though. I just keep taking it one day at a time. I try not to focus on my H's OW - even though, like you, I would like to see them suffer a smidge of how I have suffered. I think since I have made the choice in my mind to let them go - I do feel better. They creep back in every once in a while, but realizing that I cant worry about the things that I have no control over has helped.

I am sorry you are feeling this way - I can relate.

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

A good wife would NOT just get over this. A good wife gnashes her teeth over the stupidity and weaknesses of her mate and holds him to account. She grieves for a long time at the injustice of what he has done. She is not just happy and accepting because he ends it and says he is sorry and makes amends. She is deeply wounded, bleeding and it will take her a long time to recover. Frankly, if she doesn't take him back no one can blame her. If she does take him back, it will take 2-5 years before she and their relationship is stable again - what he did was not just a mistake. It was abuse. What you feel is really really normal - no one expects it to be this bad but it is this bad. BUT it will get better, if you work together to make it better. this was the most painful experience of my life but it's nearly 5 years, and I am glad that we were there for each other. MM

I feel every ounce of pain you expressed in your email.... especially the part about being thrown away.... to feel that way, day in/day out, no relief from the terrible feelings, low self worth... I seemed to feel that way mostly when I was around my H for extended periods, like weekends. Mondays were often a relief (went to work). Even though he did all the right things, and was very remorseful, etc.

But I want to offer you some encouragement... my d-day was Oct 2004, and this went on for quite some time, up to the 2+ year mark.. I am in the past few months feeling like I am feeling real relief, real forgiveness, real love again. I did end up with anti-depressant meds (and that made me madder than anything) and am still on them today. I am hoping that within this next year I can go off them.

I am so thankful for the encouragement I received from the others on this board who made it thru... it helped me to keep focused on the big picture and what I wanted for my life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Ruth

<<I know a good wife would just "get over it"....but I can't. I'm so deeply hurt....>>

Like MM said...a good wife does not just get over it.  She works through it if possible and she holds her WH accountable and sets up boundaries if the marriage is to continue.

<<Our sex life isn't special anymore....he's shared it with another person. He claims it's more special than ever to him...I don't feel that way. >>

It's only more special to him if he realizes what he really had to lose and appreciates you and loves you more. OF course you arent going to feel the same way.  That is 100% normal.

<<It feels like I'm the only one who has to pay for their mistakes....and I'm ashamed and deeply embarrassed to admit that I want her to feel what I feel on a daily basis for just five minutes. To feel the insecurity...the embarrassment...the worthlessness. But she won't.....ever....and what ticks me off even more....is that my H dealt the cards this way so that she was able to sneak off after helping him cause all this damage and start a new life. Yeah, I know....life isn't fair. But her life seems pretty setup right now thanks to my H.>>

You are right on all counts.  But what I do want you to know is that what you are feeling is normal and you should not be ashamed of your feelings.  Do not belittle yourself. You did not cause this nor deserve it. Remember that!


<<I know I shouldn't dwell on the details. I love my H, I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life either.>>

Then you need to tell him how you feel.  If he is truly remorseful he will try to answer your questions and help you to heal in all of this. As my C would say "you need to say it and he needs to hear it". Dont bottle it up!

<< I'm at a place that I feel like I can't live with him and I can't live without him.>>

It's the I love you but I hate you thing. We have all been there after d-day.  I finally got to the point where I was an independent person and I had no doubt that I could live without him if I had to or chose to. I finally learned to love myself again after all of this. It takes time.

<< Like I said before, he is remorseful, but he's tired of the tears and my anger about the whole situation.>>

Then he is not remorseful and is manipulating you to shut you up. And he is avoiding dealing with the pain his actions have caused you.  That is not remorse.  Actions speak louder than words.  When his actions match his words then you know he is remorseful. A remorseful spouse does whatever it takes for as long as it takes. I learned that lesson the hard way, it took 2 years and d-day#2!

Hang in there...believe it or not you are doing well.  It all takes time.

Take care...Carol~

Hi, I just wanted you to know that in your very expressive, articulate, heartfelt post, that I went through the male version of just about every feeling you described, as I'm sure many others here have done, too.

The killer is that it takes time and patience. If your H is truly remorseful and not just manipulating you, you will FEEL it, amymom2four. If he is truly willing to have no further contact with the trollop, time will bear this out--it always does!

Even after many, many years, her cheating is sometimes the first thing that pops into my head as I arise each morning. "Did she REALLY seek out all those other men to give her sweet, lithe, lovely body to? WHY????!!!!" The mind pictures of that can be overwhelming to me still. But one lesson I have learned is that the only thing in my life that I can exert control over is my own REACTION to those thoughts and mental images.

A (dysfunctional?) defense mechanism which, sadly, I employ as a survival technique is to devalue my own relationship with her. The rather poor analogy being that losing a jalopy isn't nearly as painful as losing a Lexus....The main reason (in my own case) is that there isn't even a hint of remorse on her part. I love this woman, as you still love your H. But now, part of my deepest heart is forever closed off to her--not because of what she did--that I could have forgiven. But because she vehemently defends it, equivocates, and rationalizes it all. We never speak of it now.

Another thing I have learned is that the support, wisdom, experience and empathy you will get by posting & lurking here can truly be a LIFELINE to your healing, regardless of all else that happens to you, be it reconciliation or divorce.
BB