Well last weekend was a total disaster. After a bazillion conversations about what "I" need to heal and me telling my H that I needed lots of his time and attention, he sat me down Friday night to ask ONE more time. When I asked him if he had any idea the answer to that question he said no thats why im asking. He wrote down in his journal this time. Then announced he was going on a delivery for his work and it would only take an hour. I was furious but said nothing. He went and returned 2+ hours later. I was already in bed. He announced he had another at 6am, which means on my only day off I have to be woke up by his alarm clock and being the light sleeper that I am that means Im up for the day. His alarm went off and he hit snooze about 5 times before he got up and left. He said he would be gone an hour. 3 hours later I called his cell phone and he was at work doing some paper work that he said concerned his morning delivery and since he assumed I would still be sleeping he didnt think it would matter. He has been sleeping with me for almost 19 yrs. he knows full well once im awake i am awake!!!
He said he would be home in 20 minutes and showed up an hour later, only to announce to me that he had a delivery 2 hours away that he needed to do around 1pm. I lost my mind. I screamed "did you hear anything I said last night or the last 4 months for that matter about needed to spend time with you?" Keep in mind that ALL of these deliveries are optional for him. He does them to make extra money to buy junk for his motorcycles. It was snowing hard so I knew that if it should take 2 hours each way it would probably take 3. He was home about 6pm acting as if he couldnt figure out what my problem was.
He even said to me " you could have went with me if you really wanted to spend time with me" I thought yeah right buddy, I want to sit in a truck with no heat for six hours while you drive in a snow storm. Sunday we didnt go to church and I got up and started cleaning my whole house. He layed on the couch and slept most of the day which meant I cleaned and single parented 4 kids all day. This week has sucked as well. He called me from work the other day and said "i just wanted to let you know that i am going out back to smoke a cigarette" As you may recall everyone from his work was told that if they smoke on the property they would be fired. My h and I agreed that he would not do that and he had broke that agreement the week before. Putting his job in jepordy over a stupid cigarette. I asked if he thought there was any other way he could calm the stress. Go sit in the truck and drink a pop or drive around the block. I reminded him that was not the example he was trying to send to his employees. He said he would concider all I had said, Then he went and smoked one anyway. He came out of the break room yesterday and looked at the line of workers all busting their butts (one of which is his affair partner) and recalled a conversation with his boss from earlier that day when his boss told him they were over staffed. Thinking of how crazy that statement was mad him laugh. There was no one around him, he just chuckled to himself. His affair partner went to her new supervisor and told him that Mike was harrassing her. He was laughing at her as if he knew something that she didnt and she felt threatened. Bruce,Mike and Pam sat down and Mike explained to her what he was laughing about and her reply was "well I feel threatened by you and I wont be threatened by anyone" and she left the office. My H and Bruce went on with their day. When he told me about it I was furious. He didnt have the balls to take her to the big boss and make her report what he did that made her feel so threatened to him so he could document her insanity. So now he isnt allowed to smile, laugh at work because it makes her feel threatened? Im so tired of him ignoring things hoping they will go away. I told him last night that I wish I wouldnt have let him move back in because if we were apart what she did to him wouldnt effect me. If she gets him fired and we are together my life blows up AGAIN because of his A. If she got him fired and we were apart it would not matter to me because he would have to pay child support by court order and if he had to work 3 jobs, flipping burgers it would not effect my life. I hate him right now. We have a MC appt. this afternoon and I dont want to go. He called from work today "just to say HEY" I thought to myself, why do you bother? Do you really think that a 1 minute conversation constitutes time with me. I decided Im not answering if he calls from work again today. When we hung up he said "iloveyou" and I replied the same and hung up, then I thought no I dont, I hate him. My decision to let him come home and reconcile has been a good thing for everyone but me. Everyone else is going along there merry way and I am here hurting, angry and trying to cover for it with my kids and family. It makes me sick to think I have spent 18yrs playing seconds to his job and now he is probably gonna lose it because of his affair. I am so tired of sweeping up and doing without because of his stupid mistakes. Our whole marriage I have encouraged him to go back to school or get more training. Now he has no degree a high school diploma and there isnt a job out there that will hire him at the salary he is making without a degree or any training or experience in anything but manufacturing. AARRGGGGG!!!!!!! I would so like to say "i told you so" about 1000 times. He has never listened to any suggestions I ever had and now we are both screwed.
Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent!!! I am so thankful I have somewhere to do it. If anyone has any ideas please feel free to post them.
Barbara

Oh Barbara,

I am so sorry you are hurting. It sounds like it is overwhelming you right now. GO to your MC appt. Maybe something will click and help you get through the next day. Thats how I look at it... one day at a time.

I know for us - it seems so simple what THEY need to do to fix things. I have told my H a million times what he needs to do, but I recently have decided to let him figure it out on his own. I mean do I really want him to do it just because I suggested it? NO! I want him to do it becuase he wants to and he recognizes that it needs to be done. BUT... let me tell you, the waiting for him to come around is awful.

I really hope something clicks with your H soon and he sees what HE needs to do.

My thoughts are with you.

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

Barbara,

Go to MC and tell C & H everything you just told us.  H needs to hear it and you need to say it.

I am sorry he is acting like such a jerk and you are hurting ((((hugs))))...Carol~