I DISCOVERED WIFES AFFAIR WITH EX HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND 6 MONTHS AGO AFTER 32 YEARS OF MARRIAGE. WE USUALLY ARGUE ABOUT WHO IS TO BLAME EACH TIME IT IS DISCUSSED. SHE WONT BE INTIMATE WITH ME, SAYING HER PASSION FOR ME IS GONE BECAUSE I IGNORED HER NEEDS EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY FOR SO LONG. ALL WE DO NOW IS HAVE A SMALL KISS AND HUG. I HAVE TRIED TO BECOME MORE ATTENTIVE TO HER BUT SHE SAYS IT IS TO SOON. SHE MOVED OUT 3 MONTHS AGO, SAYING SHE NEEDED SPACE TO THINK IT OUT.HER LOVER IS MARRIED AND AFAID OF BEING FOUND OUT, SO CUT OFF CONTACT TO HER 5 MONTHS AGO. SHE IS CONSTANTLY DEPRESSED BECAUSE OF THEIR BREAKUP, SAYING HE GAVE HER EXCITMENT, PASSION AND THE ILLUSION OF BEING A TEENAGER AGAIN. SHE WONT PROMISE NOT TO CONTACT HIM AGAIN, SAYING SHE NEEDS CLOUSURE TO THE AFFAIR, NOR WILL SHE PROMISE THAT IT WONT OCCUR AGAIN. WE DONT WANT TO DIVORCE, BUT I DONT LIKE LIVING ALONE OR OBSESSING ABOUT THIS EVERYDAY. WE STILL TALK OR SEE EACH OTHER EVERYDAY, GOOD DAYS-BAD DAYS. LOTS MORE TO OUR SITUATION, BUT ENOUGH FOR NOW. ANY ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO?
I'm very sorry that you're going though this situation, and that your wife has decided that the marriage vows she gave at your wedding are no longer binding on her.
One thing that I believe is that we all can recovery from the devastation of infidelity, but it takes hard work and time. One of the hardest parts is accepting the circumstances of the infidelity. Sometimes that means accepting that your spouse had a desire for another person, but other times it can mean that your spouse no longer wants to be married. No matter what the circumstance, it seems like they are all hard to accept. But once that acceptance has been achieved, it's amazing how quickly our healing moves.
Your wife seems to want to blame you for her choice to have an affair. Whether or not the marriage needed work is really not a reason for having an affair. There are plenty of examples where happy spouses have gone out and had affairs. If you think about it, an affair is going to make solving other problems in the marriage very, very difficult. One question I have regarding your situation is if you and your wife discussed these issues that she is now raising before she engaged in her affair. If not, then it's very possible that these are revisions to history that she's made to justify her actions. Even if you did have such a discussion, she took a very immature approach to dealing with those issues.
While I don't feel comfortable advising what you should do, I've thought that if my wife had said that she didn't want reconciliation after learning of her affair, then I would have sought to divorce her. In fact I reached a point in our recovery where I wanted to know that she was not doing reconciliation out of convenience, or a desire to save face among our family, friends and neighbors. I wanted to be sure that she wanted to be in the marriage because of a desire to be with me, not simply out of obligation, convenience or embarrassment.
It seems to me that if my wife still wanted to continue with her affair behavior, either with the OM she was with or new OM, then I would not be in a situation where reconciliation was possible, and I would have been living in utter turmoil. I think my only choice would have been to take steps toward separation and divorce. I believe that I would have done that gradually, in order to give my wife every chance possible to return to the marriage, but still the process would need to be deliberate so that she knew that I was not bluffing or trying to manipulate her in some way. I don't think situations like that necessarily turn out so that the marriage is saved, but it's a lot easier on the betrayed spouse than the alternatives.
I think the first place to start is a honest and open conversations about the future that you foresee if the current course is not changed. I wouldn't make any threats or ultimatums, but just simply explain where it all is leading. I would also make it clear what I was willing to do to restore the relationship. When I learned of my wife's affair, I said I'd do anything to reconcile, but I think I shouldn't have said that. I wouldn't have done anything, and I know there are things I would never do for the sake of reconciliation. I think I should have avoided such open ended, absolute statements.
JonJeb - Sad to say, these things happen - and happen more than most of us here would have thought. Your wife seems to me to be confused as you might expect. But she is being honest with you I feel. You both seem to be communicating and this is good. Also, she has moved out to sort herself out and I read that also as a good sign. I believe it is possible that even after 30 years we can learn to love better ie more truly and deeply. The A shows some weakness in your relationship that you can now look at and learn and heal from. All this is possible if you can find a new deeper place to relate to each other. And if you cannot then you should also not blame yourself for splitting up. Love sometimes does mean giving the other person the freedom to be happy - sometimes that is best for all too.
So sorry that you find yourself here with the rest of us. These are hard times and you certainly have more marriage exp. than myself so I feel funny giving you advice. (I am married 4 years and found out about my H's infidelity 7 months ago.)
I do want to say that you should be good to yourself in this time and I know that is hard and sounds even cheesie, but it is true.
I have learned to not make choices based on raw emotion or in haste.
I have found turning to these wonderful folks on HH has helped me tremendously and I know they can do the same for you.
I wish you well and peace.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
I think the advice you have gotten so far is really good. The only thing I have to add is that now is a very good time for you to turn your attention away from her to give her some space and time to heal, and to turn your attention, energy and efforts towards you. I know that is very difficult to do, but it will help you find the support you need to heal yourself from this injury, and to find the good things that remain in you and your life whether she chooses to stay or to go. In any event, any work you do on helping yourself will go a long way towards a successful union with someone else, whoever you may choose.
I remember feeling very powerless and helpless to do anything about my situation when I found out my husband had an affair. Actually, he had multiple affairs. That aside, I started to heal and feel happiness again when I realized that although I was powerless over him and his decisions, I had every power to change alot of how I looked at things and the decisions I made. Initially, I was also so consumed with whether he was going to stay or go, I didn't take the time to consider whether I wanted to stay or go. I'm sorry you are going through this. As you can see, you are not alone. It does get better, and there is support for you here. These folks helped me a great deal, and I wouldn't have gotten better as quickly as I did were it not for the wisdom on this site.
