Hi I'm new here. I actually just wrote a whole rambling letter about my situation and it seems to have disappeared. I don't feel up to rewriting it all at the moment so I'll just say hello and I'm so glad to have others to share this very low point in my life with. Thanks for being here.
This message has been edited by sad4mykids on Mar 2, 2007 11:48 AM
I am so sorry that you lost your post, it has happened to me also.
We all know what you are going thru and can at least send you encouraging words to help you thru this roller-coaster of emotions that you are experiencing.
Right now just take care of yourself so you can care for your children.
Come read others posts...post yourself... it all helps get the poisons out of your mind and helps the healing begin.
(((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I want to thank you all for you candidness and generosity with your stories. I'm a new member and I found out two months ago that my husband was having an emotional affair and have been told today that he still has lingering feelings for this OW. I'm crushed and have a great deal of pain that I'm working through. I have two small, precious boys (3, 1 1/2) that don't deserve this.
My Dday came immediately after arriving from an out of state funeral. My 28 year old cousin died suddenly from Chrone's disease. I was absolutely DEVASTED. Throughout several months prior to his death, I knew that something was terribly wrong with my H. Everything felt out of place and I had a gnawing sensation, reoccuring dreams, and thoughts that he was having an affair and on numerous occassions I confronted him but he'd deny. During the taxi ride from the airport I dropped my phone in the cab and left it there as chance would have it.
The day after flying back, my h, two boys and I went to BandNobles to read books and spend time with our boys. During this time my husband began acting completely out of sorts..fidgiting with his phone, pacing etc... He made several attempts to leave the area we were in so that he could make a phone call to a supposed male co-worker. I knew for certain that something was wrong. I asked to use his phone, and he bcame flustered and red in the face. I called my sister and while calling my sister he stood around me hovering over my shoulder. I placed my hand on his heart and it was racing a million miles per hour. Then she clicked in on the other line. I told him I heard another line coming in and he quickly grabbed the phone. She was under a male co-workers name. My knees caved and my boys saw the whole thing.
The past two months have been on and off HELL. I'm a wreck with no self esteem remaining, I constantly think to myself if I was this or that maybe he wouldn't have done it.....the only thing I have are my boys. I always felt like something was still wrong since that day... and today I found out exactly what that was--- he still has feelings for her but says he desperately wants to work things out between us. I dont know if I believe him. I don't know if I can move past this. We have two boys. how am I ever going to look at him and wonder whether or not he still cares for her, or if he wishes he was with her in different circumstances....Help me please
I'm sorry you are hurting so much and find yourself in need of this site.
Working through the pain of the affair is not an easy task. Please take care of yourself and your boys.
Hearing that your H had/has feelings for another is very devastating. Think positively in that he wants to be with you, he has chosen you.
Over time and through discussions, your H will come to realize that the feelings he had for OW were based in a fantasy world. His love for you is in the real world.
In the beginning when my H admitted he loved OW, I asked how could you love someone when you don't even know them comepletely, you only get to see their good side, his answer was how could you not develop feelings for someone when you only see their "perfect" side. I can almost understand that. Even though my H cannot at this time say he didn't love OW, he can say that it was a love within a fantasy.
Has he established N/C. That is the first step in putting your marriage back together. If he has take that as a sign that he is committed to the marriage. If he has not he must cut off all contact immediately.
About 1 1/2 weeks ago, my H told me that after 13+ years of marriage and two children, he no longer wanted to be married to me. He denied being involved with anyone, and said he just decided he'd had enough. After the third time of asking if there was an OW, he admitted to an A with OW from work for about a month, but said this had nothing to do with his decision. The next day, he changed his mind and wanted to work it out with me. That day he changed crews at work to not run into the OW, called and broke off with the OW, and disposed of his cell phone. After both taking vacation and spending many days together, we seemed to communicate well and worked out a lot of issues that were harming our M. A couple days later, he was confused again and wanted me to know he wasn't sure what he wanted, and he still had thoughts of the OW and doubts about us. A couple days later, he was full of remorse and commited to working it out again. We had one session of MC a few days ago, and he says he's never felt better. How do you ride this roller coaster out and know that the intentions are truly to work things out? I don't know if I could go through this pain again. Any suggestions on staying strong and focused?
Tammy, you may want to start your own thred from the Healing Heart board main page. In the uper right corner click Create Topic. I you want you can copy and paste you post from this thread.
With that said.
It is a rough ride. It has only been a 1 1/2 weeks. One session of MC is not going to "fix" everything. By taking the steps to help ensure he wont have contact (cell phone and work change) he has taken a step in the right direction for your marrige. He may need space to see what he really wants. Take care of you now! Don't focus on fixing the marrige, focus on you and your children. Let him know you are willing to work on the marriage (if that is really what you want) but not until he can make a firm commitment to you and the family. He can't continue to change his mind daily. Perhaps he needs some IC to sort some thing out in his own mind.
