Hi! Thank you for the warm welcome. This is the first time I've really had the time or privacy to post. H is outside, hopefully won't walk in. My d-day was Feb 22,07. I had been noticing a frequently called # for several months on our cell bill and felt something was up. On 2/22 I woke up at 20 til 11pm to hear our car leaving. He came in our room around midnight and went to sleep. Just then his cell rang. He didn't hear it so I turned it off. I got up at 3a.m. to run a newspaper route and called his voice mail to listen to the message that had been left at midnight. It was a female and she was mad at him for something he had apparently accused her of that night. She alluded to their having been somewhere together. When I checked his phone later I discovered the call had come from the # I had seen on the phone bill which is labeled as "Ken" in H's contact list.
I havn't confronted him about it. I wanted to talk to an attorney first and find out what my options are. I have 3 yer old twins to raise. I also want to find out if hiring a p.i. would be a good move as I have no concrete evidence, other than the phone records. And OW has began blocking her # in the past couple months but I know it's still her.
I'm wondering if things are breaking up between them since their little spat. He suddenly isn't staying up so late at night and has been telling me how much he wants me to show him love and affection and how lonely he feels inside. He probably does but he created his own problems when our kids were babies and he decided he didn't want to be a father or to help me much with them. He is selfish and wants to do what he wants and not be bothered with the time and sacrifice it takes when you are a good parent. He does help with them more now but he acts like they are such a burden. He is totally impatient and he says mean things to them. I also feel he lies alot to get his way or what he wants.
He is something else. Thanks for letting me share my story.

Dear Sad,
I don't know how to comfort you, but I wish I could. Your H is still deep in the fog. The only thing I can suggest is start taking care of yourself. That means finding out about practical things like bank accounts, how you can survive without H. If he is deep in the A, prepare yourself for the worst. Don't try to win him over but rather prepare yourself for life without him. When you are ready to confront him you will be prepared. Sometimes the "kick in the pants that knowledge gives you will jolt him out of lala land. I wish you well and hope the truth will set both of you free.


Diane

I agree with Diane.

If you have not talked to your H about this yet - there must be a reason. Take care of yourself and prepare yourself for a future that may be without your H. You never know how he may react when you finally do confront him.

I am so sorry you are going through this and am amazed that you have the strength to be able to put your ducks in a row before you tell all to him. I dont know if I could have held back from confronting my H once I knew.

Hugs to you!

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

Hi Diane and Coral. Thanks for your replies. The reason I havn't confronted H is just like you said, I want to have my ducks in a row financially and in every other way possible. It is hard being here with him and knowing that he's been messing around with someone else. But I am not shattered like I would have been a few years ago. There has just been alot happen since the birth of our twins that has hardened my heart I guess. He's lied, he's spent our money without caring whether we could afford to or not, he's been a jerk to the kids and given them very little of his attention. This isn't the first time in recent years that he has gone out late at night. And there were other #'s he was calling before this one which I have pretty much determined were to a girl he used to work with. He has really killed most of my feelings for him. But I had 2 babies to take care of and knew it would be so hard to try to move out and do it all on my own. But now that I know that my suspicions were correct, I know I need to make a move.
I was seeing a counselor about a year ago hoping to figure out a way to make things better because I knew I couldn't go on forever feeling so angry and resentful toward him. After a few months I asked H one night when he was complaining that I didn't show him affection and I never wanted to have sex, if he would join me in counseling. He said he didn't see why we had to spend all that money on counseling and he thought we could work it out ourselves. For him it was simple- having more sex was going to fix the problem. He didn't seem to care that for me there was more to it than that. I asked him again another time to go with me and the answer was the same. The counselor told me that I couldn't make him grow up and that she thought I should save money and leave. So I actually started doing that(saving money that is),but there isn't much in there. But we did just get our tax refund and I am thinking about putting some of it in the other account. I guess I feel more anxious than anything because I know that when I make a move life will change for all of us. It is scary thinking of trying to do it all alone. And I worry about how upset the kids will be. My stomach is in knots most of the time.
Whew! Thanks for letting me unload some more. Any advice or suggestions are welcome.

I think if I was where you are at, I would be contacting an attorney. Even just for a free consulation. Get some advice on your options. Let the attorney know you have a seperate bank acct to put money in, your rights and etc.

Sounds like you know exactly where you are at.

I am sorry that your H doesnt seem to want to address things. This could be the "fog" that so many WS are in. I do think that a spouse can be in the fog about other things - not just an affair.

Thoughts are with you and your twins.

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

I am planning to talk to an attorney. A lady who works at the fitness center I go to said she would get the name of a female attorney her relative used for me. I will probably go by there this morning to see if she has it.
It's so strange. I almost feel like I am in a fog. I guess I'm still kind of in shock in a way even though I wasn't really surprised. Maybe because I havn't seen the 2 of them with my own eyes it's still hard to fully believe though I know it's true. Where is my anger? Is that a stage I will get to later? I felt a little angry last week but it was short-lived. It's like I'm on auto-pilot right now. I know that when I confront him he will totally deny it and tell me I'm crazy, etc. Sigh...what a mess.

Yes, you will start feeling anger at a certain point... it is part of the variety of feelings you go through.
I remember that after DDay #3 I felt first shock,then sadness for him and myself, then about a month after DDAy I felt rage and anger... I couldn't stand to look at him or be with him... That anger lasted a long time. Now I'm at a cynical stage, I think because it took H 10 months to finally be completely honest with me Plus I discovered he had continued contact with his 2 A partners through the Internet. At this point I am beginning to think that it is too late for us. I will still go to MC to give it one last chance,but if he doesn't get it then I'm out of here.



Diane

Hi Diane,
Thanks for your input! It sounds like you have been more than patient with your H. I hope that MC is successful and if not that you are able to work through this and come out of it even stronger than before. I wish you the best.
I got the #'s for 2 attorneys and a p.i. so I need to make a phone call today to an attorney at least.
I came upon some info in H's drawer on how to block your cell # when you call. Since OW does this when she calls him I decided to block my # and call him just to see what he'd say when he answered. He answered real sweet and low "Hey, what are you doing?" I hung up. He probably called her right away. The @$$!
My kids bus will be here soon so must go! Talk to ya soon.

K

Hello Sad,

I just responded to your other post. I hired a PI, and all I can say it is worth it if you have the money. If I ever suspect my WH of cheating I would do it again in a heartbeat!

Everyone is right...line up your ducks....consult with an attorney. Take care of you first. If you take care of yourself, you will be better to take care of your little ones. I am so sorry you are going through this and I just wanted to wish you luck, send hugs your way, and say WELCOME.



~ Cal
"the truth shall set you free"

I called and made an appt with an attorney for next Friday. I feel nervous about it already. I want to find out whether it would benefit me in a divorce to have a p.i. prove adultery as well as what else is involved in getting divorced. UGH.
I have a question for you guys. Does anyone know under what circumstances I could force H to leave our home prior to a separation or divorce being finalized? If I file for divorce there is no way we could live here together until it was finalized. I know that he will fight me tooth and nail over this place but I do not want to move out for financial reasons and for our kids sake. This is their home and I'm going to be the one raising them. And they will go through enough upheaval if we split up. I would not be able to afford rent anywhere else and my mom really does not have the room for all of us. I also know H well enough to know that if I did move out and the court ordered the house be given to me later on, he would make sure that all the appliances, etc in the place would mysteriously stop working before he left. He is vengeful.
Any words of wisdom are much appreciated!

K

Sad,
Talk to your attorney...he will be the best person to advise you as to your rights concerning the home you live in.
Right now you suspect that your H is having an A...either the full A...physical and possible emotional attachment..record the phone calls if at all possible...have the phone # handy and give it to the lawyer...he may know a good PI that will help you...they are expensive but get results...there are recorders you can put under a seat in the car that are voice activated...and there are also GPS tracking systems that you can buy that are able to track your car and tell you where the car went and where it stopped..it can be installed under the hood of the car or under the frame of the car ( just read about the tracking device in the airline mall magazine on an airplane yesterday).

there are not many things that you can do to find out what your H is doing, but one or two is enough to really find out what is happening...

Take care,

pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Hi Pat. Thanks for the ideas. I was online the other day looking at some of those devices. The GPS system would be pretty handy to have but it is expensive. I was told by a p.i. that they use those. The recorder would be useful too. I wondr if there are stores where you can buy those things rather than online or from a catalog. Thanks again!

K

I don't know if there are any stores that sell the tracking devices...my son likes radio shack...they have a wide assortment of devices..the other idea is have the package sent to a friends home or delivered to a UPS store -Mailboxes etc...or possible a pack and ship store...

I wish you well,

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Has anyone ever considered going on the T.V. show cheaters, it is a P.I. that hosts the show, I was actually going to call them if my H had not been honest, but didnt need to...their website is : http://www.cheaters.com/

Edited to remove Sherry's last name. We like to avoid using full names at The Healing Heart to protect everyone's annonymity - TomJ

Yes, I had actually given a thought to calling that show but didn't know if they only filmed in certain large cities or what. Or how long it would take for them to get to you if they did decide to take on your case. Ironically, Cheaters is a show that H and I used to like to watch when we both worked 2nd shift. Maybe he was trying to pick up some tips.

K

I think that they do come to you, but as you said I am not sure on how long the wait would be. You could always register for the show now and if something were to arise before then just cancel it. And there is another alternative to find out the who part of the phone number, when I was with my ex I had suspected something was wrong and he had been gone quite frequently, so I called a PI and I guess that they had felt bad for me because I really didnt have any money, but I knew the number that I suspeceted was relative to this and they said that if you call your public library (and if the number is listed) that you can do a cross reference to that number to find out the name and address that it belongs to. I found it helpful, I did call the library and found out that my ex H was at the womans house that I thought he was.

Hi Sherry. If something doesn't work out with a local p.i. I just might give Cheaters a call. I called a guy here in town yesterday, left a message, and asked that he call me back today since yesterday was H's day off and I couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't be there when the p.i. called. So hopefully p.i. will call back today. The attorney I talked to said she works with him alot, he does not try to screw clients over, and she thinks he could help me look up a cell phone #. OH, and you can do a reverse # look-up of regular land lines online, Sherry. As long as it's not unlisted. There are several good sites that do that.
Take care.

K