Hi, not sure what to do. It's over 6 months since I found out about my wife's latest activities and yet it still hurts. Have done counselling, she's very apologetic and so on. Spent a long time blaming me, then blaming herself, then there's a new reason why it was all a mistake and she doesn't think she'll do it again. It still bothers me to hell and I keep feeling guilty for not forgiving her. It just gets harder to trust each time. Sometimes I think I am still in this for the kids sakes and sometimes because its the easier option. Is there a way past this stage? I do love her but it's just not the same anymore and she can't see why I can't just get on with life. There has been a glimmer of empathy in the last week which helps me but I'm not sure why.
Yes, I think there is a way to work through this pain. It takes a big effort on both spouses, but it can be done.
Is this your wife's only affair, or have there been others? Some of the things you wrote implied to me there may have been more.
As far as your wife's explainations for her affair... one thing I've learned in the course of recovery is that there is absolutely no excuse short of rape that can excuse an affair. An affair is a choice related to our personal values and our integrity. If we choose to have an affair it is because our personal integrity allows us to make that choice. As a result, it is not about anything the betrayed spouse did or didn't do.
After drawing this conclusion and wrestling with the issue of forgiveness and reconcilation, I learned that (1) forgiveness is something that is given BECAUSE there is no excuse. Calling it forgiveness when a excuse is given is not accurate, because what has been done is to excuse the offender, not forgive. (2) Forgiveness can take place without reconilation. This means it is possible to forgive without rescusing the marraige. At the same time it is not possible to truely rescue the marriage without forgiveness, but also not without repentance, humility and contrition on the part of the offending spouse, because these are the things that are usually needed to restore trust and vulnerability to the marraige.
From your post I get a senst that your wife is still looking for an excuse. She might be doing this not only to avoid taking responsibilty, but also to avoid her own feelings of guilt that would come with acknowledging her responsiblity for her affair. I encourage you to help her understand the fundemental point that she is responsible for who she has an affair relationship with, and by having this relationship she has violated the essential promises of your marraige.
Most of all, I encouage you to share your questions, your insights, and your experiences here on The Healing Heart
Thanks for the response. In her world she had a one-night-stand and it wasn't repeated. There have been a lot of near-misses and I know from the dates, text messages and calls that there have been at least several partners, though she insists they didn't all get that far. I am under a lot of pressure to forgive and it's like it's all down to me - why can't I just forgive her and then it will be okay. As if it's my fault we have the problem!
Another thing that's really strong - she can't explain why it happened and can't (genuinely) promise it won't happen again. I know if she did promise I wouldn't believe her. It's like something she has to do and she can't help it. I have been through all the reasons and tried to see where I was at fault and I HONESTLY don't see it. Thanks again.
>I am under a lot of pressure to forgive and it's like it's all down to me
I'm curious to know where this pressure comes from. It is pressure you're putting on yourself, or is it from a third party (i.e family or counselor)? Is it from your wife? I don't believe forgiveness should come under duress of any kind. You have to give it because it's what you want to do.
Also, there ARE reasons for a WS doing this, even if they doesn't understand them. Their remorse would reflect a desire to understand them in order to insure it never happens again. My wife has been undertaking those tasks since D-day. She has not only enlisted the help of a good counselor which took several before she found one that would truly guide her in the right direction, but also seeking out and working with wise mentors (friends) who would help her see herself, and (after some difficulty) accepting my insights and advice of her problems. To me, an attribute of remorse is a sincere desire to understand how it happened and work toward preventing it in the future.
One simple pledge (but not necessarily easy to faithfully execute) is to promise to come to you at anytime she gets involved with conversations with a man that are inappropriate. In addition, she could promise to avoid situations where the temptation to be involved with other men is high. There are many options that can be pursued if the wayward spouse is truly remorseful.
Of course there will be reasons. I think she wants security from her realationship with me and fun & excitement with her other partners. I feel boxed in to a role made for me.
Pressure mainly from her - like I am dragging it out or something. I feel like saying "you're forgiven" to get peace but I know I wouldn't mean it. I'll want to forgive when I truly believe it won't be repeated and I just don't get that right now. Thanks again.
You don't deserve to be a role player for her convince. As your wife, it's reasonable to expect her to be your partner, your helpmate in life. As such, she should be there to encourage you, to love you, to honor and cherish you. Of course, you would be doing similar things for her as husband.. and both will be doing these things out of love, not out of an obligation to play a role.
>I'll want to forgive when I truly believe it won't be repeated and I just don't get that right now.
I think as long as she isn't willing to commit to taking measures to prevent it in the future (I'm not talking about guarantees, but doing whatever is possible to be accountable to her marriage vows), then there is no way you can offer reconciliation in good faith. I separate the ideas of forgiveness from reconciliation because I believe that when we separate them it becomes easier to understand the recovery process. Forgiveness is when you decide to forgo justice for your wife's offense. It's when you decide that you won't try to punish her, or see to it that she is punished in one way or the other. Reconciliation is when you decide to work on restoring your marital relationship with her. Forgiveness is something you do by yourself, without her help. Reconciliation depends on how she behaves from now on, and how you work to overcome the triggers and fears that you now have.
If you decided to divorce your wife today, you'd be taking steps to end the reconciliation process. You'd be saying that you have no desire to restore the relationship to what it once was. You'd be telling her you want the marriage relationship to end. You'd be taking away any chance at reconciliation. Effective reconciliation can't take place without changes from the offender. This is because part of reconciliation is the restoration of trust, and since the offender has shown themselves to be untrustworthy, they need to work beyond the status quo to rebuild that trust. If the offense were something minor in the relationship then the changes needed to rebuild trust would also be less significant. However, when the offense is as deep and traumatic as infidelity, especially a pattern of it as your wife has been involved even if it was non-physical, then there are much greater efforts needed to rebuild the trust.
All of this is totally separate from the work the betrayed person needs to do for forgiveness. Even if you chose to divorce your wife, for your own sanity you'd need to work toward forgiveness of her, because otherwise you'd carry a desire for justice for your entire life. Anger and the desire for revenge would eat at you and consume you to one degree or another until you gave her forgiveness. You see, you'd need to do that regardless of the status of the relationship. This is why I make a distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. If her behavior was compatible with a friendly relationship you might still have a good relationship, but because you didn't choose to reconcile the relationship would be different from a marital one.
Maybe your wife is demanding reconciliation without calling it that. If so, probably needs to understand that as the offender she is not in any position to make such demands. As the offended you have every right to choose to end the relationship, simply for your own sanity. Many wayward spouses go through a period similar to what you wife is doing right now. In their efforts to avoid divorce, they manipulate and attempt to control their spouse in various ways. It appears that your wife is trying to do this through applying pressure to you. My wife did it by trying to make herself into the victim of the affair, blaming anyone and anything rather than herself. However, the sign of true remorse and trust is when the offender is willing "throw themselves" at the mercy of the betrayed. This doesn't mean they allow themselves to be abused, although they might have to tolerate the anger of the offended while that is being expressed. But humility, contrition, not being defensive, listening, compassion, caring, showing gratitude are all parts of the soft heart of remorse. Most WS need to learn this, because they had developed such a hard heart to get them to the point of having an affair. You can help by patiently pointing out when they are not showing these signs.
Reconciliation is a tough road, and you can't walk it alone. You need your spouse to walk it with you, even leading the way at times. Let's hope that she is up for the task.
