It was on March 31,2006. The day my life changed forever! The day I discovered that the one person who i trusted the most was unfaithful. He cheated for years with hookers! I was disgusted, humilated, angry, depressed and a lot more emotions to list. We separated and tried to move on with our lives...I realized that thru the pain and anger I still loved him. We have reconciled after a lot of therapy, talking, crying....Still have good and bad days. The pictures come back to my mind without warning. The pictures of him with THEM! Then the pain and anger comes back. He is able to help me work thru my feelings and gives me the time and patience I need.
HOW long do the pictures last? When will they be gone forever? I hate them. I hate how they make me feel...how they make me act....how he did this to me.....when will it hurt less????
edited to remove your last name
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Mar 16, 2007 8:28 PM
I don't know. I've been going less time than you and it still haunts. Sorry but maybe after a few more years it gets less. I do know that I have a choice whether to dwell on the thoughts or concentrate on other things and I recommned you try to do the same. Good luck.
Are you feeling like the images are encroaching on you even more than just a few weeks ago? Sometimes that happens around the D-day anniversaries. This happens more the first few years than later on, especially when the xWS is truly working to reconcile the relationship.
Although I can't say the images "go away" in the sense that you forget them, they do loose their power, and they don't come to mind as easily as time passes, especially when the xWS had done the work of reconcilation, restoring trust and intimacy in the relationship.
I remember how hard the first D-day anniversary was for me. Actually it wasn't so much about D-day itself, but the affair events leading up to D-day. I image that you might be going something similar, but unique to your own experience.
Our own struggles with this very personal issue is a major challenge, Dale--I know well the mind-bending psychological torture of which you speak.
If you are new here, please keep reading & posting. You will learn that not only are you are among kindred spirits who offer support, advice, healing and hope, but also that you will be able to summon up the power to overcome this. It has been a personal demon for me for many years, but through the dear, dear friends I have met here, I have learned to cope, come what may. I consider them true friends, although we may never meet in this life.
Tom is right about TIME being a major factor. It is only rarely now that I get that stomach-gripping feeling, leading to a feeling of powerlessness and anger at the fates. The same will happen for you, just give it time and like the ripples in a pond, the ups & downs will fade.
If your H is truly remorseful, well then build on that. But do not allow yourself to be manipulated or abused in any way. To me, sexual betrayal is one of the most cruel forms of mental abuse in existence.
You are probably suferring PTSD-like symptoms, replaying things over and over in your mind. Or, as you say, the thoughts just pop in out of nowhere. Sights, smells, sounds, words, songs, nearly anything remotely related to the cheating can also trigger those thoughts & feelings.
Find strength by leaning on those who understand. Go to the well for a drink, not to dry stones. Consider counseling, but only with a therapist trained in affair recovery. Other well meaning but ignorant counselors can do more harm than good. From your struggles, you may actually grow stronger than you ever dreamed. There are many here who are living examples of that!
BB
The anniversary will be difficult. It has already started this past weekend. Before everything hit the fan last March, I lost someone very close to me very suddenly. This was on March 4th. Then the discovery of losing my marriage...not a good year! So this past weekend was tough as it felt like it was the beginning of everything.
My husband was great helping me thru my feelings and allowing me the time for my anger.
I just wish it never happened. that we could somehow remove it.
>My husband was great helping me thru my feelings and allowing me the time for my anger.
That's wonderful. I hope your husband continues to have patience and understanding. Although triggers pass with time, they don't usually lose their grip on us for a couple of years, even more in my case. A patient xWS can go a long way toward helping us through those dark times. It helped my wife and I to be able to talk about it without defensiveness. I'm glad you have that in your husband.
>I just wish it never happened. that we could somehow remove it.
Yes, we all have that wish. However, you and your husband can grow in such fundamental ways as a result that you may even value those changes even more than you hate what has happened. I hope that makes sense. This doesn't minimize the pain of betrayal, but simply suggest that the opportunity for personal growth is tremendous, so much so that it could actually outweigh the pain.
The fact that you have two emotional trauma's linked in this way is something that presents a unique challenge for you. I would guess that your feelings are a result of a mix of triggers for both losses.
Dale,
I'm so sorry you are suffering. I too had a similar experience with losing a loved one and discovering the A's within a short time of the loss. Both my parents passed away the summer of 2004 and I discovered H's A's in early October of the same year. I felt that my whole world was turned up side down. My support system in any direction you turned was gone. It is so painful and so horrible. Still today I feel the loss of both my parents and the marriage that I once had. My H, unfortunately continued to undermine my trust and only now am I beginning to come to terms with it because of it... but that is another story. Just wanted to let you know that I understand your pain and where you're coming from.
Hugs
I'm new even though I knew about the A for years I just recently got confirmation so now I'm flooded with the memories that I saw but didn't really see. Always seems to happen when I'm happy, laughing, enjoying myself. About 2 weekends ago it was my H's A's birthday so she decided to torture ne with her wonderful hang up calls at all hours and wonderful message at work. Memories and all the emotions that came with it came back like a big flood. But then I realized I was given them power and control over me and so I informed a few of my friends that I wouldn't be answering the phone for a while and not to worry. It ended but the memories of this and feelings are here again but not as strong. So I guess with time they do go away. But for me H returns home in about 4 months - not sure I'm ready for that and have actually voiced that opinion in my letters to him (he's incarcerated - best thing to happen to our Marriage I guess) Plus when I did talk to my H on one of our calls I exploaded but not as bad at him. When I feel lost this is where I find myself. I'm glad I have found you.
