Since I'm new here I'd like to get to know everyone better.
How and when did you find out about A's?
Do you have children at home?
Are you trying to R or divorcing?
Finding out was a gradual progression out of denial for me, that lasted over 9 months of growing dread and suspicion. The end result was a phone conversation with the OW that ended all denial for me. That was over 5 years ago.
Do you have children at home?
Yes I did, but they were older. My oldest was 20 at the time with one foot out the door. My younger son was 17. I was grateful my children were older and not around as much as they would have been when they were young, this allowed H and I freedom to deal with the A quite a bit.
Are you trying to R or divorcing?
Actually we are neither. Although divorce loomed in the air as an option for longer than I care to admit, it was never an option I sought out. We went through an intense 3.5 year reconciliation/recovery, but now I like to think of us as just married. When I look at my husband I see the man I love, not the man that cheated on me. There are times when my brain insists I acknowledge the fact that he betrayed me, but when I look at him, I honestly don’t see that man any more.
I discovered an errotic chat left on the computer screen from the night before by my H... that led me to check his emails and discovered one from a woman he obviously had been intimate with.When confronted H at first denied it but with the evidence in front of him he finally confessed to having had 2 A's a year apart.
Children?
At the time of the discovery, only my youngest was at home finishing HS. My other 3 were grown and off on their own.
Reconciling or divorcing?
The jury's out on that one. I tend to lean to divorce but committed to giving it a little longer... to be sure of my decision.
First time, I found out because OW called me after my WH broke up with her. She thought it would end our marriage and he would be free to be with her. But I had already suspected my WH of cheating for several years and had confronted him many times. So my first clue was my gut feelings or my gut-o-meter as I like to call it. So far, although I have questioned it, it has never failed me.
Second time, my gut-o-meter was going off but I had no other proof. WH was very careful. So I hired a PI and got the information I needed and confronted him with undeniable proof.
We have 3 children. On d-day 1 they were 5, 10, and 14.
~ Cal
"the truth shall set you free"
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Mar 8, 2007 10:23 AM
I am so very sorry you find yourself here. Infidelity is awful, there is just nothing about it that is good or positive. Even if you are fortunate to rebuild a better and stronger relationship (which several here have) I still believe there are easier and less painful ways to do that.
In my case, my WH told me. I knew things were tough between us, but I truly HAD NO CLUE that he was having an A. I thought it was work related stress (it was in a way, his A was with his and my boss). I was so shocked, I actually became physically ill when he told me. I think there is some way to search through the old posts to see specific members stories.
We were not blessed with children. WH was unable to father children and unfortunately adoption did not work out for us.
I am sad to say that my story is not a story of success or hope. My WH is still deep, deep, DEEP in the fog. But there are many stories of hope and success here, so take heart.
I first found out about the A when my H told me he had been having a "relationship" with someone else, but she had ended it because her H had found out. I think he was very sad, plus worried that she or her H would tell me. Like others I felt physically sick for several months after than, lost weight, had difficulty functioning at work, behaved like the B**ch queen from hell to my kids. The second time (when H had kept up his emotional though not physical involvement with OW) I found old e-mails which were uploaded to his computer from backup files after the system crashed. He thought he had deleted them all and had set up a secret e-mail for OW so he thought it was safe to give me his password. Little did he know that I am sufficiently computer savvy to track these messages down. Actually he started me looking by something he said while he was away which gave me the hint he was in touch with someone other than me. And when I looked at the old e-mails there was enough evidence to know that he was still in touch with OW. That time I was stronger myself and just gave him an ultimatum. And that's when he came fully out of the fog and began the true rebuilding process.
We had two children, aged 18 and 14 at the first D-day (now 21 and 17). Although we never really argued in front of them and didn't tell them what was going on, they picked up on the atmosphere and must have felt pretty uncomfortable, expecially as I found it so difficult to stay interested in them when I felt so dead inside.
We are staying together at this stage. H is truly remorseful and says he can't imagine being with anyone other than me. He realised the time with OW was a fantasy and I am reality and he doesn't want to do that to himself or me again. I guess I am the one who is currently not fully committed, and I go through cycles of thinking I can't do it and then that I want to try. Sometimes I feel that we are falling in love for the first time,and others I am just so disgusted by what he did to our marriage that I can't bear to be with him.
So even after nearly three years from D-day #1 and two from #2 I still don't know where I will be in a years time. Like Ami said, it is a long process.
Sorry to go on for so long with my story. We all know how much you are hurting - we've all been there on the roller coaster and some of us are still riding it.
I found out as my H started spending more and more time out, coming home later and later with stupid stories of where he had been...At the same time, I was aware that he had a female friend (who was supposedly gay) at work...
I started snooping around, keeping watch on his phone and eventually following to where he was supposed to be...eventually I caught him in a lie he could not get out of (I KNEW he hadn't been where he said because I was there waiting the whole time to see if he showed up)....that day I gave him the ultimatum that I was gone if we didn't get to the bottom of what was going on and stop it..
That was almost three years ago. d-day, the end of the A....
We are having a great recovery. Sometimes still painful...but better all the time. We both learned a lot about healthy relationships from the expereicne...and my boy is working hard to repair all the damage he did...
We do have children, they were pre-teen and teenagers at the time.
"Since I'm new here I'd like to get to know everyone better."
It has been days shy of 8 months for me (being on HH) and I too am still getting to know everyone. I find it helpful though. Seems I can almost always identify with something in another members journey.
"How and when did you find out about A's?"
My H retired in 12/04 from 10 yrs military service just after 3 tours in Iraq. I suspected changes and secrecy in June of 05. This went on, off and on, until full D day in July of 06. I learned in July of 06 that he had an affair that was still an off and on relationship with our trainer at our gym. (This was the relationship that he essentially got "caught" for.) I learned after this D day from H that a coworker at his previous job he had been having an A with as well. That lasted from May of 05 to January of 06 when he left that job for a new job. I learned on my own that from May of 06 till early February of 07 (Yes, this year.) That he had been having an A with a coworker at his new job. I also learned that during the relationship with this new coworker, he also had an A that lasted from September of '06 to December of '06 with a phone rep at his work. H has since been fired for his "activities."
Many D days and many details here in this twisted story I call my life.
"Do you have children at home?"
I have a son, 18, from a previous relationship that lives with us. H has a son, 9, and a daughter, 6, that isn't biologically his, but he has taken responsibility for her since birth. They live in the next state.
"Are you trying to R or divorcing?"
I really do not know. I had been trying to reconcile for the past 7 months, but this past February it just got to be to much. I threw my hands up and in-turn, H seemed to emerge a bit from the fog. He seems to be working harder now to reconcile that I am. All the OW seem to be out of our lives for now, but I keep waiting for the next shoe to drop.
I am here now, but am not making any promises. The promises now seem to be all him. He tells me every day that he wants to be with and loves me and that this is all the past and he is done living that way.
Not to be negative, but I am not holding my breath.
If this did all end here, no more OW, total transparency and all the needed things a BS asks for were done and continued to be done... would I still be here, yes. So far he is doing all that, but again... I wait for that shoe.
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Thanks to everyone for sharing your story with me. I can see what a difficult journey it is trying to reconcile and build trust again. I'm not sure that I will be able to do that. Unfortunately my H's lying goes beyond covering up A's. He has been dishonest about a lot of things to alot of people who trust him. I think many of them don't even know they've "been had" by him. This includes friends of his. I really worry about the kinds of behavior that he might pass on to our children. It would just kill me if they did the things he does.
I wish all of you the best in your recoveries. I look forward to talking more.
