Well, first of all it's comforting to know that there are groups like this out there. I guess there is no easy way to just start so here goes...I have been with my husband now for 6 years and married for 2. Last year we moved into our own home and things were going great, well about 8 months ago I was riding along with him at his job and his blackberry went off while he was with the customer, so I checked it to see if he had anymore jobs that he needed to go to, only it wasnt work related at all, it was an email from a girl named Amy that worked for the company as well saying "good times good times", well that was a reply to his last email and so I scrolled down and he had said that he "loved us time" and it was a pretty long back and forth thing and other things were said but that was what caught my attention the most so when he got back into the car I chucked his blackberry at him and we got into a big argument and ended up working things out. So about 3 months later he is offered by his company to go away to Louisianna for locksmith training which would last 3 weeks, of course I wanted him to go so that he could have a better position in the company, the week that he was to leave I found out that I was pregnant only that it was in the tube and I had to have surgery to remove the pregnancy the day before he left and we had a friend stay with me until I was ok to be alone. He left and it was very rough emotionally on me having just lost a child and my husband not being there with me to grieve. Well, about a week before he was to come home he calls me and asks me if I would get upset if I found out he was "talking" to girls or something of the sort and after me alot of thought into it I told him that I know he wouldnt ask something like that unless something were wrong so he told me everything, that he had started chatting on yahoo with this girl the same week he got there and that they were talking online and on the phone for the whole 2 weeks and the night before he called me to tell me all of this they had met up, in a vehicle that he rented and got into an accident in on his way to pick her up no less..and went on to tell me the details of what they did and that he was very sorry and felt horrible and that was why he was calling to tell me. We have been trying very hard to work things out, but its hard for me and he is always asking me why I cant just forget about it so that we can move on. Oh yeah and by the way, after that ordeal in Louisianna I had to find out about the email, so I called and spoke to Amy and she explained to me that they were having lunches together and drinks sometimes and that they never did anything not even kissed and how she thought he only wore a wedding ring to keep the girls away. Everything is still fresh to me, even 9 months later and I dont know how I will ever just forget this, I know he would like that and it would make things easier for him...but he caused this.

Sherry:

I'm sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. Loosing a child in addition to going through the trauma of betrayal is tough.

It sounds as if your husband hasn't yet figured out that he's no single anymore. Although a lot of people go through an adustment period, it doesn't make it right that he is interacting with women in this way.

This is not something that you simply forget. Your husband needs to work to rebuild the trust that has been lost in order for your relationship to be restored. In addition, he needs to understand his motives that lead him to do these things, and he needs to understand how he could have prevented them (real, practical ways), and how he will change his behavoir in the future to avoid the situations that allowed them. This is the process that my wife and I had to go through to rebuild our relationship. In addition, I needed her to show me her commitment to me had real depth and was not superficial in anyway. I didn't want my wife to be with me simply because she was stuck, or needed a father for our children, or needed a provider for her means. My wife worked to show me that she was commited to the relationship, and she worked to regain trust.

For example, when she needed to leave the house or go to someplace unusual, she would tell me her plans including where she was going and how long she was expecting to be gone. My wife also became transparent in all her coorespondence, giving me her email passwords and any other logins that she might have. She also stayed away from places and situations that might have been tempting to her, or threating to me. I believe these were all necessary for reconciliation to take place.

My wife had trouble with some things as well. For example, my wife had trouble telling me the truth, especially about the affair. She didn't want to tell me the full depth of her betrayal. I've since found out that this is a common reaction for the WS. I believe this is because they don't want to risk (be vulnerable) that their spouse will reject them for what they did. It's the wrong reaction for several reasons, but it's so common it must be a part of our human nature. A truly repentant WS will learn to fight the urges to lie, manipulate, or be defensive when discussing the affair with the BS.

Welcome to the site. I hope you find the healing you need here at The Healing Heart.

TomJ

Sherry,

I am just headed out and will respond to this more tonight.

Just wanted you to know that I read your story and I am so sorry you are going through this.

Hugs to you.

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

First, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is never easy.

Second, if what you say is true, that your H has just talked with and met other women, then do everything you can to stop it now. This is how it started with my H. He chatted with women online. It was harmless. then he started talking on the phone. Then he'd meet them. Again, no hugging, kissing, physical contact, etc. All the while, I begged him to stop -- that it would lead to a full-blown affair. He denied it all. Until one day, one of his Internet "friends" suggested they get a motel room, and he did.

For four years, I did everything I could to get him to stop with the contact with other women. While I am fairly certain that he never did have sex with any one else except that one person (he admitted it to me) he never stopped the chatting. He never understood what it meant to be married. We've been seperated a year now. The divorce will be final by the end of summer.

Good luck. I hope you can work things out. But under no circumstances, do not accept any type of continued behaviour like this.

Thanks everyone for your support, I now feel somewhat less crazy than he had me thinking that I was for what he calls "dwelling" on this. I just feel so weak and vulnerable most of the time and at times even feel as if I am just here so that he doesnt have to be alone. He really does seem remorseful, but I cant control what I feel and do have my guard up now where as before I was totally unprepared and felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and that I was having a heart attack, I couldnt think rationally and felt like I had no control over myself. I dont like to have the mindset that I need to be prepared, but I am trying to be....

Sherry,

Tom pointed out some really good things. I dont think I could add much to what has already been said. I agree though, your H needs to realize he is no longer single. He has a lot of work ahead of him. (We all have a lot of work ahead of us!)

Use HH to vent and get other points of view. My 1st of many D days was last July and I thank my lucky stars that I found and started using this site so early on. It has kept me sane many times when I was ready to bolt.

I too am sorry for the loss of your child and can relate. I lost a child a few months after D day and it has been an extra hit on top of my H's A's. Honestly, it hasnt been easy at all, but I am making it - one day at a time.

My thoughts are with you.

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

(((((Sherry))))

I am so sorry for all of the pain you are going through right now.

I have no advice, just want to tell you that we understand what you are going through in regards to the A. Know that this is a good place to come and get some relief, support, etc.

Wishing you PEACE.

JL

I'm sorry that you suffered 2 terrible blows in such a short period. I lost pregnancies as well and know how much that hurts. I have just started posting here and I have found the people very comforting and helpful as I try to sort things out in my scattered brain. I hope you will find comfort here, too.

K