Am I nuts for wanting to know where the OW lives..to see her house??
My husband will not tell me or take me there.
I am feeling obsessed over this and have tried to find it on my own..good luck I live in a very large city!!
I only know her first name and some sorted details.
I cannot let this go..
i feel as though he is trying to protect his whore!
He claims he wants to put the biggest mistake of his life behind him??
SHould I keep looking? Demand he take me??
I have no intentions of confronting her or anything like that...I just NEED to see it.
I HATE who I am for feeling like this.
As others will say - your feelings are normal. I suppose your H may be concerned about creating more harm for you as well as others by telling you. My view is that this is probably a false reading as openess is one of the key's to living life with love. Is your H refusing to help you do you feel - If so then this is not helpful is it?
Each of our healing methods is different. Some want to know every detail. Some don't.
How you FEEL and what you WANT/NEED to know is only for YOU to decide...not even your H. If he refuses the information you WANT to know, you will have to accept that you do not control HIM; you ONLY control YOU....
And then, when you are there, you will understand what you want to do.
My H has answered every sorted question I asked. I know it all. I'm the kind that needed to get as many pieces of the puzzle as possible. In my mind, I did not want the OW to have any information to hold over me. I wanted to know it all; and then work on my forgiving, accepting, and...eventually, loving. If my H had not been so forthright, I'm sure I would not be with him today. I would not longer tolerate (MY boundary) his philosophy of "What JJ doesn't know, won't hurt her."
My vow 35 years ago said For better or worse - but for me to move on and forgive I needed to KNOW the worse. I needed to know WHAT to forgive.
For us, it's worked.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
Your not Crazy. Unfortunately, his number one objective in not telling you is protecting himself. Knowing these things will force him to face what he has done through your pain and outrage. Yes, it will cause you pain, but that is his excuse not the reason. I might suggest you show him Joseph's letter, you can find it in Helpful Links. I also suggest you go to www.aftertheaffair.net and down load the ebook found there for him. It might help. Ultimately, we can not make them do what we want, we have to decide where our boundaries are and what "OUR" consequences are for not meeting them. If he is not going to tell, is this something you can live with? If not, what are your plans?
I too had to know. My H never refused to take me to where any of his OW lived, but I never asked. I found them on my own and yes, I drove by 2 of the 4 OW residences. The 2 I didnt - well, 1 he never had sex at her house and the 2nd had moved a great distance away by the time I found out.
I had to know as well and understand your desire too.
I dont like that he, your H, refuses to take you or tell you for that matter.
Have you tried www.zabbasearch.com ? Try that - I found two of the OW in my H's situation that way and the other two I searched in the "public" records for our state and counties.
FYI - I never went to the door of the houses - I just drove by. I guess I just wanted to see the love-nests for myself. If I hadnt done it - it probably would still bother me. Did it really make a difference for me? Probably not - other than it satisfied my own curiosity as to how these woman that I was unknowingly sharing my H with lived.
Hope that helps.
PS: YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
This message has been edited by CoralV on Mar 12, 2007 12:10 PM
Lisa,
I also needed to know all... the reality that my H was protecting OW, he lied about where she lived in the beginning. told me it wasn't close to us at all ... in reality... it was about 3 1/1 miles and very close..We just sold the house..
.I feel as the others here do ..honesty from our WS is the most important healing tool..protecting OW hurts our ability to move ahead..once all the secrets are out then you can move ahead...
I needed to know what she looked like...so I hired a PI to take a picture of her.. I have seen her a few times and have never confronted her. my biggest fear was seeing her when H and I were out to dinner and what his reaction would be...hasn't happened yet....and that fear is not present now.
I hope that you can convince your H that you are in the right and that most marriage counselors would stand behind your need to know...
take care,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
