Hi all! Everyone is outside so I'm hoping to have a moment to post. I just spent most of the day with H and kids--his day off. OW called when we were getting in the car from having lunch. H had it on vibrate. I heard it and looked at it right in front of him. When he went back in the restaurant to take 1 child to the bathroom I called to hear the message. Basically just "Hi wondered how your weekend was. Talk to you later." No mushy stuff or anything. My heart was pounding 90mph thinking he was going to catch me snooping. And it has been pounding ever since. I checked it again when H went into a convenience store and almost got caught. Just as I was putting the cell down he walked by the window and looked at me kind of strangely. But I remained cool and acted as if nothing was up. Hopefully he won't start trying harder to cover it up now. My stomach was in knots the whole time as I tried to keep up a normal conversation just thinking "I'm with this man who has no respect for me." I don't know if this is just an EA so far or what but it's still wrong.
I'm also just down about the way I look. I have gained 20lbs over the past few years. The other day I told my mom that I felt like I had aged 10 years in the past 3 years. She said that she had noticed looking at a pic of me when the kids were born that I looked older than I had then. Thanks mom! Boost my confidence! Ugh. Forgive me for moaning away. Just a yuck day.
Hi Coral. I am still in the same position that I was When I first posted. H does not know that I know. I don't know if he 'suspects' that I'm 'suspecting him' but I have continued to act like nothing is different (what a job) so that I can keep gathering info and getting myself ready in the (probable) event that I have to move on and start a life without him. My first consultation with an attorney is Friday. I'm hoping that she will shed some light on some things. I want to find out if I can make him leave our house prior to anything being finalized. I also want to know if I should try to prove adultery by hiring a p.i. and if it would be worth it.
I'm still getting my "ducks in a row". I have been a stay-at-home mom for the past 3 years with my twins. In order to do that I had to take on a job as a newspaper carrier 7 days a week. I have been doing that for 3 years as well. I get up at 3 a.m. 7 days a week, holidays, you name it. There are no days off. In order for me to be able to be on my own I have to give up that job and look for a normal daytime one. So I have given my 30 day notice (required by contract) and am looking for a job. I have a few prospects. Our neighbor owns a construction business and has actually offered to train me to manage a smaller business that would be financed by him. It sounds like an opportunity to learn something new and hopefully advance myself.
I know I probably seem rather cold in comparison to most of the posters here because it might seem like I don't care much about my H. I am sad about what happened. I'm sad about a lot of things that have happened in our marriage. I am most sad that our kids don't really have a dad who cares about how they feel or that it hurts them when he is constantly impatient, cusses at them and tells them to "Have some sense!" I just don't think it is a good idea for them to stay in this environment forever. I am also afraid that they will learn to think it is okay to be dishonest, vindictive, have a vulgar mouth, and drink and drive which H has done with them in the car. My twins are boy/girl and my son is closest to H. H has always given more attention to my son since they were born. I'm sure my daughter has caught on to this and she even wants to dress like a boy--I believe--because she thinks H will give her more attention then.
But I'm rambling again. That is what's going on. Thanks for asking, Coral.
You sound like a very logical real person to me. Getting sound proof and making plans to protect yourself and your kids is a very responsible approach.
The saddest part about any kind of A, whether it is emotional or physical, is that the only the person that can turn it around is the person doing the destruction. Your husband has already displayed destructive behavior carelessly to your children and you. You are very smart to try and take control before a huge fall out forces you to face what you are up against.
I can say this without a shadow of a doubt, you are strong. I give you all the credit for doing exactly what you are doing. It takes a strong mind to do what you are doing. I don’t know if I could have kept the “knowing” to myself when I learned of my H’s activities. Sometimes I feel like I should have just to gather myself, but my anger and hurt took over as it does so often with A's.
Every one reacts in their own way.
As Amber posted, you seem to be very logical and I think in these circumstances, keeping your head is a good thing.
I hope you get some answers from the attorney on Friday.
Hugs to you,
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Amber and Coral, thanks for understanding my point of view.
I know what you mean about how hard it would be to keep quiet when you suspect your H of doing things. My mom and aunt said the same thing to me--they didn't know if they could do it. I was always a pretty emotional person and thought that if I found out my H cheated I would fall apart (which would be normal). I guess something just isn't there any more. But it is hard--especially when he makes some smart aleck remark.
I'm looking forward to meeting with the attorney and hopefully having some answers.
One more question for you both. I see online where sites say that if you pay a certain amount you can do a reverse cell phone # look-up. I was wondering if this is legit. I would like to do this if there is actually a trustworthy site.
Thanks again ladies! I hope your having a good day!
Most of the reverse look up places are OK...try the white pages reverse look up first it is free......if the # is a cell phone harder to find..but in many cases can be found for a fee..
hope your appt with the lawyer goes well
take care,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
You can go to www.google.com In the search bar put in the phone number you are looking for like 123-456-7890
However, if it is a cell phone it wont find anything. There is no good cell phone search... yet.
But if you decide it is a cell phone... you can do what I did. Use the *67 feature to block your number and call it in the middle of the night. Most people dont answer cells in the middle of the night and it would go to a voicemail where you could most likely learn the persons name. I did this once and it worked perfect. If they answer, you could just hang up and they would never know who you were... at least you would know if it was a male or females number.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
It is a cell #. They text back and forth. The unfortunate part about texts is that they can be deleted from the phone, and, according to the company, you cannot have access to what was said in texts even if the phone is in your name (like mine is). That ticks me off! The only way they can be accessed is if they were required for a court case.
I have been checking out a couple of reverse look-up sites for cell phone #'s. Then I go to the Better Business Bureau website and see what they have to say about them. So far I still havn't made a decision. I just want to know a name and address so bad!
I would call the number in the middle of the night using *67 feature on your phone. You may at least get a name off the voicemail and it may click with you as to who it may be.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Thank you Coral! I had been thinking about calling her # but didn't know how much info I'd get out of it. I blocked my # and called hers at 4 a.m. and found out that her name is Kim (like I kinda thought). Not positive who that is--it's just that H has her # under the name Ken so I had a feeling it was Kim. The girl he called somewhat before that he had her listed as Aaron and her name was Anna. He's not real creative about this, luckily for me.
Get this, Kim has her entire message done in a fake british/australian accent. Yeesh! I'm thinking really young or really immature. I wanted to leave a message saying "The jig is up b*&$!" But that would have given me away. I have a # for a p.i. who is suppose to be really good and apparently he can also help me with a reverse phone # look-up. Maybe he could also do a background check for me.
My H has only been with his present job for 6 months. Before that he worked for a place for 17 years. Supposedly "Ken" works at the old place, so I think Kim probably does. H used to work with a Kim back then and I wonder if it is her. I never met the woman, just heard about her. She is married and has 2 boys. Hmmmmm
You are probably right that it is the Kim that he worked with before. With my H, he always seemed to hit in places he was.... Not one of his 4 OW were "by chance" meetings. He worked with them all in some capacity.
Good idea on the PI - I am sure he can help you tons.
So sorry you are going through this.
Hugs,
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Sounds like you are on to something. I just wanted to warn you, whatever the PI finds out, even if you feel you are prepared it will still be a blow. It will still hurt and you will still be shocked. The good part, you will have the truth and undeniable proof.
DISCLAIMER: Undeniable proof does not mean that they must be caught while being sexual. I was provided with a DVD that showed what time the woman showed up and what time she left and how my WH hid OW's presence. He also had a description of her car and license plate number. That was all I needed to know. He could have provided more concrete proof and followed OW at that point for me but after I found out what he car looked like I knew where to find her and I knew for sure WH was cheating. When presented with the evidence my WH could no longer deny the A. Why hide OW's presence if they are "just friends"?
Sorry you are going through this...it's very stressful and painful
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I was in touch with the p.i. and he surprised me by doing the reverse cell # look-up as soon as we got off the phone. He called back about 30 mins later and said phone was registered to a 64-year-old woman. He gave me the name and address,etc right over the phone! I thought "Okay, it's registered to her mother or maybe mother-in-law." I went to www.usa~people~search.com (great site!) and typed in the womans name. Well, this site will also pull up several other names that might be related to who you are searching for. Sure enough, I got a "Kimberly" with the same last name as the woman with the phone. She is the same age as me--I really thought she would be much younger! I also was able to find out her maiden name. I am almost 100% sure this is the girl H used to work with. The last name rang a bell as soon as the p.i. gave it to me. So now I have a full name! I'm thinking of having the p.i. do a public records search for me too.
I am wondering if H is planning on meeting up with OW tonight as he told me he is going to the local race track tonight and the races always run late. He also mentioned coming home and taking a shower before he goes when H is not much of a multiple-showers-in-a-day kind of guy. I think OW gets out of work around 11pm so H could easily leave the races and meet up with her for a while. I wish I had a way to follow him. But I don't have anyone to stay with the kids that late at night. I know that with racing season starting up again H will be out there on Friday nights alot more. That might be a good night to have a p.i. watch him.
I hope all of you ladies (and gents) have a great weekend! Take care of yourselves.
Yep...give the info to the Pi and he will follow him. If you provide a specific night that you are pretty sure they could be together it will save you a lot of money. When I got wise to which night it was the PI found what I needed to know that very night. Good luck! And please take care of YOU.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
