Well, things between my H and I this past year have been pretty much for the most part going well. But I really have a hard time believing that he does in fact want to be with me. We are not tied in any way, my children are from another marriage and we rent our home, so he has nothing to hold him back. The reason that I do have a hard time in believing him is because he always says that he cant be with me if I dont trust him, and I dont...to say the least, but I do try. It is very difficult mostly becausue of what he has done and partly because of his being gone so much as a part of his job. I really hate feeling so powerless when it comes to deciding what I should do, I mean the old me wouldnt have it at all..I would have been gone the second I heard of such a thing, but why now am I so weak? Is it that I'm dependant on him because I have nowhere else to go besides back to an abusive ex-husband (the father of my children). I dont even have so much as a car, everything is in his name. But thats not what it's all about, I love him and it hurts me deeply to think of not being together...but I also need to make some changes for myself, just incase. I need to have a vehicle of my own firstly, secondly I guess that I would be the one to move out being that I can not afford this place. I just dont really know, everything is so blurry to me, most of the time we are fine but I have a piercing thought in the back of my mind that things will just come crumbling down on me in the end if I dont secure something for my children and myself as a back up. Thanks for letting me ramble..I feel so complicated right now.
Sherry
deleted last name for privacy
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Mar 19, 2007 5:00 PM This message has been edited by comfortably_numb76 on Mar 19, 2007 4:46 PM This message has been edited by comfortably_numb76 on Mar 19, 2007 4:44 PM
My best advice would be to use this time where things are still tolerable to get your ducks in a row. Find a way to save a little money here and there. Prepare yourself, a resume and etc. if you should need to find a job or a better job if you are working now to help support yourself and kids. Start looking at options as far as housing - state funded housing if necessary. Making a plan even if you and your H stay together is a good idea. Having resources already mapped out and at your fingertips is just sound advice. Most importantly TRY to save a little cash.
If you want to try and work things out with your H then it sounds like you need to talk to him and hopefully at some point he will understand your needs and concerns. But just in case, be prepared.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Edited to add: Maybe things arent tolerable, but hopefully you understand what I mean.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
This message has been edited by CoralV on Mar 19, 2007 4:58 PM
I am going to agree with Coral...get your ducks in a row...find a job, buy a car...get your life together before you decide to leave your H....work on yourself first...then see where your relationship is.
Trust is a gift that you give, when lost it has to be earned back thru actions that show you he really understands what he has done to you and is willing to be totally transparent.
The feeling that you have are so normal...the fear of the future and what will happen...takes up so much space in our minds...you said most times things are good...work on trusting those minutes right then and there...it will help you going forward. If your H is still cheating then you will find out...but he may not be and you may have a life together.
One step at a time...
((((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Thank you for your support, this is a very difficult decision that isnt taken lightly. I feel so alone in this, like it is my problem and mine alone...like I am the one who has done something wrong. I know that I am not thinking logically and that my emotions are playing a great role in this, I am also still feeling that he wants to be with someone who can give him a child of his own, we have lost 3 pregnancies in total...the first at 1 year together we were 3 months along and went in for our ultrasound to learn that the babies heart had stopped beating, and then 2 years later a tubal in my right tube and last year right before d-day we had another tubal, and whiile H was away (during d-day) i had to go in for a follow-up and found out that our only way to have a child together would be invitro or adoption. I really feel conflicted about this and dont know if this is the cause for all that has happened.
You are certainly NOT alone. We all have our own story and post here for whatever reason, but regardless - we are all tied together by the same thread, infidelity has touched our lives.
I am certainly sorry for your loss as well. I know the pregnancy issue can be a hard one and I too have faced that sadness many times in my life as well.
Have you talked to your H about how you feel? How you feel about the children issue as well?
Maybe I have missed something here - how does he respond to talking about your marriage issues?
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Yes, I have many times discussed with my H the possibilities of not being able to concieve a child together (starting when we had our first loss 5 years ago) and he has always said that it was not an issue, that he wanted to be together regardless...and that there was always adoption. But I feel that the tables have turned whenever we found out that I could not (without help) carry a child. He has raised my 2 children, now 12 & 13 since they were 7 & 8 as his own. I just dont know what to think anymore...up until last year on d-day everything was picture perfect..not really, but in my mind it was because I was for once in my life with someone I could trust, who had never nor would never hurt me like all the other men had. And by saying that I felt alone in this wasnt intended to sound as if no one has been through this, but rather meaning that I feel alone in the sense that my H thinks it should just be over, said and done and no more discussion about it because he feels that it is so.I wish that I could get through to him and help him to understand that things are not that simple. We can not seek counseling because of limited funds and no insurance, but I do feel that there is hope, I just dont know what else to do to help him better understand my thoughts and feelings.
