Normally I post over on the open board, hoping that maybe some shreds of enlightenment from FWS's will help in my healing. Today, I am so sad, it feels more appropriate here. I just need to vent a little and expose the pain that I try to hide most days and can't seem to escape from today.
Yesterday, in MC, my H had shared a really horrific dream he'd had a couple of nights before. In it, he'd been kidnapped and chloroformed until he was unconcious. As the dream continues, when he woke up from being drugged, he discovered that someone had cut off his hands and attached the stumps of his arms together. His first thought upon figuring this out was "how will I put my arms around my W?" and the next was "and how will I kill myself?"
This dream is so horrific, I don't really know what to do...for him or for myself. He feels powerless in the post-A world. Almost everything he does is under the strangle-hold and magnifying glass I've created to make sure he's not doing anything he shouldn't. So my need for safety has created for him a place of emotional suicidal disability. To save him from that would require that I not allow myself to ask for safety from him in the many forms that I've asked, i.e., not having business lunches with lone female employees, not giving rides on business road trips to lone female employees, checking in with me regularly, giving me access to all email, phone and bank records, etc., etc. I didn't create this mess we're in, but I hate that I'm in this prison warden role.
To top this off, I then decided during our MC session to let H and C know I've been driving lately without a seatbelt. Its been this microcosm way of flirting with death myself. I'm too aware of the pain my own suicide would cause my kids and others around me. But if death takes me by accident, I'd be free of the pain of this entire mess and finally have a rest from this rollercoaster ride that never seems to end.
Our C was interested as to why I chose to reveal this information while we were discussing the pain of H's dream. H freaked out that I'd been doing something so dangerous. I wanted to go back to talking about H's dream, but had just wanted to share that I understood the suicidal undercurrent of where H was coming from. Neither one of us is choosing to do something overtly damaging. Both of us are in incredible pain. H and C wouldnt go back to H's dream. H was as upset as if I'd told him I was cutting myself, or taking pills. C felt I couldn't look at the pain I was creating to H that was showing up in his dream and that I needed to turn attention away from him and on to me. Sadly, this all happened at the end of the session, so we didn't get to talk through much more of it.
H and I talked after our session. He said that what I'd been doing was so dangerous and disregarded him and the kids. And then it dawned on me: I'd created this mini-replica (without the immoral implications) of an affair: I was doing something on the sly behind everyone's backs that was selfish, self-destructive, without thought for the people who love me and who I love. That I would duplicate these elements of an affair has thrown me even deeper into a place of sadness and despair for having sunk to such a stupid level.
I had to promise my H and C that I'd wear my seatbelt from now on. I told them that I would. But as I walked to my car after the session, I felt so small and weak, and realized that this stupid thing I've been doing has been a tiny element of control I'd created for me...some ridiculous unlikely escape hatch out of my own living nightmare that was now gone because of my promise to them.
I'm sad. I'm tired. I feel beaten and beaten down. Its been about 7 monthes since DDay and I know by next week (hopefully), I'll be in a different phase emotionally. But for today, this sucks and I needed to share it with people who understand, sadly, like no others. Its time to get kids up and off to school and to put the mask on that I wear to function in the world. BlueIris is feelin' blue.
The first year after D-day is about survival. As much as it hurts to see your H in so much pain, this means he is truly remorseful. Getting it for the WS is just as traumatic as D-day is for a BS, with all the roller coaster of emotions to boot. You are both, in many ways, in the same boat. This allows you to share your pain. In the sharing of pain there is intimacy.
While you may feel like a warden, your H should not feel constricted but welcome the ability to prove he is working toward restoring the trust. As you see more and more that he is walking the talk, your warden role will become less and less important. This is part of the process and very necessary.
Please forgive me, because I know how significant the not wearing the seat belt for you is, but I had to have a little chuckle. I only recently started to wear a seat belt, and not for safety, I was tired of worrying about getting a ticket, and they were cracking down in my area on the seat belt law. Putting that aside. I understand perfectly why you were not wearing it and taking control secretly of your life. I honestly don’t think this was terribly wrong. A little risqué, but of all the risks you could take this was a relatively small one in comparison. It is not comparable to an A, the scales are so widely different, please do not put it in the same boat. Having said that, I could see how you could equate it as selfish behavior without the consideration of family. You are not though, doing it for your own personal high, in direct conflict with so many promises and expectations of marriage and family. It was your own personal little revolt, not a betrayal of great magnitude.
You are only 7 months, I know this seems like a long time, but it really isn’t. You have to hurt in order to heal, as does your husband. The important thing is that you share it and not try to protect one another from it.
I understand where you are coming from. I was more overt in my suicidal fantasy but when I disclosed my thoughts to my IC and openly discussed the effect on my childern (not that I had disregarded it before. That is was kept it a fantasy and not a real plan.) I had to give up that release valve. I realized that when I felt overwhelmed I would resort to my fantasy and at least I had control over whether I lived or died.
When I first determined I had to give up all thoughts in this direction, I felt abandoned and alone. I felt lost without my release valve. Now what do I do when I fell that overwhelming emotional stress? It was time to learn to deal with it more proactively.
I don't have all the answers, but I think my fantasy was keeping me from healing because I just turned there rather than face the real source of my problem. I am still dealing with feeling from the A 20 months later. I am struggling to find a way to find peace with the reality of where my marriage is but at least I am thinking about it now rather than hiding in a fantasy.
Good responses on this thread. My first reaction to your comments about your husband's dream are that it is a reflection of your caring and empathy that you worry how these "restrictions" are affecting him, but I think Ami is right, that the issue isn't in the "restrictions" but rather your husband's perception of them. I put restrictions on my wife too, and mostly she welcomed them because she saw them as protections. I believe the WS needs to be protected as much as you need the reassurance, and in that sense the restrictions are a "win-win". As a comparison, I know people who've never had affairs that are careful about the situations they put themselves in... for example, they never dine alone or take a care ride alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not related. They consider it wise and better safe than sorry than to test their ability to avoid any temptation, or deal with the other person if they act inappropriately.
In addition, I thought your counselor's question was a bit unfair and manipulative. Even if you were deflecting attention away from your husband's feelings, I don't think it's unreasonable that we keep in mind who has been victimized in the relationship. I think your husband's issue is something he should be dealing with in an individual counselor session. Of course, I'm not a counselor, but that's my reaction to what you described. There's a good chance that I would have challenged a counselor asking me a similar question at this point, asking them why they are attempting to invalidate my feelings right now.
Finally, I see your comparison between your suicidal thoughts and his affair. It makes sense, since suicide is at least as selfish as having an affair. Of course, even if your actions represent a very low level of risk of harm coming to you, the emotions and motivations that you feel are real and significant. I'd venture to say that the majority of people going through recovery feel those feelings to one degree or another. Keep all that in perspective, the feelings will pass as your healing improves. If you get to the point where feelings seem overwhelming, then talk to somebody about them. A good place to start would be to talk to your husband about them.
Your husband can look at this either way, that part is his choice. He is either in a protective enclosure, or he is in a jail, but that all depends on how risky he views the world outside this protective place. Smart people see the risks of the world. The go into the world armed with those protections that will keep them safe. Reckless, immature fools go into the world without that protection.
I can so relate to your pain and the need to have some sort of control in your life. I have been there too and I feel this is normal. The A makes us feel like we have no control so we take what we can get there. Do not be so hard on yourself.
My first thought was "so what if you turned the attention to you"? You are the one who was hurt by your H's actions. Everyone says the WS experiences pain too. I believe a remorseful WS does, but I also believe that they will understand that right now your pain is what's important. You did not ask for this pain and you did not deserve this pain. The WS, however, by their own hand created and caused this pain for you and for themselves. So, if you need to focus on you right now both your H and your C should understand that. Maybe your C is trying to get you to open up and let it out by asking that question. "H needs to hear it and you need to say it", as my C would say. So dont feel guilty or small. Your needs are important.
And about your H feeling like he is being restricted, well, if he is remorseful he will understand why it is necessay and he will gladly do what you have asked. Once someone crosses the line it is easier to cross it again, even knowing full well the pain your choices cause others. You are right to expect him to avoid being alone with someone of the opposite sex because he has proven he cannot be trusted. Until he regains that trust you have ever right to request he limit his contact with other women. And honestly, if he is truly remorseful he will learn what healthy boundaries are regarding the opposite sex and he will do this on his own. He should not put himself in that situation in the first place regardless of what is going on in the marriage. There is a book that I like alot that perhaps your H might be interested in reading is is called "Boundaries in Marriage" (by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend) . It really goes into this a lot and why it is important to have such boundaries in order to protect your marriage.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I can completely relate to your feelings of sadness and anger. It is almost one year since my D-day. I thought by now the pain would diminish and I would have gained more perspective...just not true.
I have come to realize that the road to healing is a very long and widing one. It is mostly related to riding a roller coaster. Soem highs and some lows..and when we "drop" it feels like we could die. You will survive this! We both will! We have come this far and wont give into the darkness.
Know that I am here for you if you need support or someone to vent to...the pain is too much to deal with alone.
Dear Blue,
I completely related to so much of what you wrote.
I could never understand suicide until this all happened. But the pain is so great that it felt that death would be a relief. One time, I had to travel in a small plane, which I hate. Normally, I would have been very scared but post D Day, I thought, "so what if I die?"
And the warden thing....hate it. My boundaries are not as strict as some others here. My biggest requirement is that he be reachable at ALL times and he has delivered on that. I have not insisted on his cell phone or e mail accounts because I believe he would be smart enough to find new accounts. If anything, it is better that he think I don't check (which I do and feel kind of creepy doing). He is supposed to tell me if any of his OW call or e-mail and he has done that, I think. He is committed to honesty as part of his AA program (in addition to being a cheater, he is an alcoholic...charming)
We actually talked about interactions with other women in MC this morning. He can have lunch with women business associates but can't see them in the evening. My H is naturally flirtatious and, while he is changing in significant ways, I think he will always be that way to some extent. So, I have to accept it or leave him.
In truth, I would like to lock H in the house and have him trailed whenever he goes out. But, we live in the real world and if he is determined to have an A, he will. He has to make his own choices. If he has another A, I will find out and leave him. He knows that and that's about the only boundary I can totally enforce. It's just that I love this man and don't want that to happen - think that has something to do with why I keep such close watch.
Ironically, I feel as if I am the one living in a prison. I rarely make plans to go out with friends at night because I am afraid to leave him alone, more because I am afraid of the panic attacks and flashbacks than because I think he will be seeing a woman. I see my friends on Wednesday night when I know he is taking a piano lesson at home. I feel compelled to check his Blackberry.HATE living like this. HATE the person this has made me into and keep hoping that time will make a difference.(And, it has.....but so slowly)
And, H has been totally remorseful, kind, considerate, loving...doing everything he can to make amends. I just can't give up the surveillance and the worry.
Blue,
The only thing that keeps me on this planet are my kids. I was so angry at the fact that I didn't have the right to kill myself because of the kids. I felt like I had no choice but to continue to exist for the kids' sake. I love them more then life itself and need to be here for them. I pray every night that I stay healthy to see them grow and becaome independent adults living their own lives. Then, if God chooses, he can do what he wants with me. I also think what I would have done with my H if there were no kids. I really think I would have left his a$$. H is here right now because of the kids. I know that sounds horrible, but it is the truth. I need his help around here when it comes to the kids and all of their activities. I don't want him to go off and have to split his time with his kids and another relationship (talk about being selfish now!). In the meantime, it gives me a chance to see what H will do to help our M heal. I am still waiting for him to "open up and communicate" the way he said he needs to. I have done my share of communicating with him and sound like a broken record. Hang in there Blue.
