I'm new here...please help me. I just had my world turned upside down and I don't know where to go or what to do. I'm so alone. Does it get better? After 20 1/2 years of marriage I have had my heart broken by the man of my dreams. He has to still see her twice a week; how do I handle this. I literally feel like I'm going nuts, pretending nothing is wrong in public. It's getting hard.
First of all...you are not alone. I am where you are. i know feeling like everything you know and feel is gone. It is a scary and confusing time. It does get better. It does take time. First know that whatever happened with him is NOT your fault! It is HIS issues and problems. It is HIS deciding to break the promises he made to you! You didn't do anything wrong. That was a feeling I still struggle with...maybe there was something I could have done to prevent this...please stop telling yourself this..it just isn't true. All of the blame should be placed on him.
I am so sorry for you and the pain you are in. this place is wonderful for feeling less alone and less crazy..you can lean on us...you are never alone to go thru this...we can help....
I am so sorry you are going through this. You have boarded a roller coaster and regardless of your situation, it is a long ride. I am 8 1/2 months past my first of many D days with 4 separate OW that took place over the past few years, however my suspicions all came to a head last July and since then I have learned of what I already had a hunch of and whole LOT more.
I have not told anyone on what I call as the "outside." No family or friends. My solace has been found here on HH and in my IC. I know how hard it is to keep silent, but yet in the same breath I felt that I didn't want to taint my family and friends with the details of what my H did. Everyone has a different view on whom to tell and who not to.
If you can - tell us about you and your situation when you are ready. There are so many good people here to lend an ear. It is a good place to just vent.
Take care of yourself.
Hugs to you and welcome to this bittersweet board.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Hello, I'm glad you found our site. I hope you'll find help in your healing here.
I have some of questions for you. When did you find out? Does your husband want to reconcile? How long did the affair last? What steps has he taken to get the OW out of his life?
When I just found out, it took a few days to start eating again, and it took some time to be able to be intimate with my wife. It also took a while for me to start sleeping through the night again. The first couple nights I didn't sleep at all. I learned that all this is from the deep emotional trauma that I experienced. In addition, about two or three months after D-day, I became sick with the flu or something like that. It took a long time to recover from this. I've read that this is caused when the immune system is weakened by stress.
My wife also started getting sick more often. She had several urinary tract infections over the next year, due to the stress she was under. Her experience was significantly different, such as she didn't have trouble eating and sleeping right after D-day (she saw this time as more of a relief than a trauma), but she has gone through her own reactions to the stress of recovery.
One of the things you should focus on right now (if you're going through similar things) is to focus on staying as healthy as you can by getting proper sleep and nourishment. Secondly, you should work with your husband to get him to totally honest when asking your questions about the affair. Most xWS try to protect themselves (and their BS) by minimizing or lying when answering questions. However, this never works and deepens the trauma, since part of the damage to the relationship is due to the dishonesty and violation of trust by the WS. I cannot stress enough how important this is for the WS. On the BS's part, we have to learn how to react appropriately to what we learn, allow ourselves to express the hurt without attacking the xWS. It's hard, and everyone will make mistakes in the process, but if both parties work hard to be responsible to honesty and "fairness" in recovery, then there is much hope for the relationship.
Please write more about your situation, and I'm sure we can respond in sharing our own experiences as they relate to yours.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Mar 22, 2007 4:12 PM
You are welcome here. I'm so sorry that you, too, had to be thrust on this ride you never asked to be on. But this is a place of strength and comfort, and everyone here will do what they can to help you along the way.
Tom is absolutely right: as much as you want to disappear or wake up from this nightmare, you are here, and the most important thing you can do right now is to go into survival mode. You should have food in the house. Some communities have grocery stores that will deliver food now if you purchase on-line. If this is available to you, please take advantage of it. I understand a need or desire to cocoon yourself away from the rest of the world and not have to face the normalcy of people doing something as regular as grocery shopping. If you have to lie to a neighbor or friend and say you have the flu, I'm sure they would be happy to pick up a few groceries for you.
You should set a timer for regular intervals and try to eat something. You should have vitamins that you're taking on a daily basis.
In the beginning, I couldn't sleep until I was completely tapped. It was the only way to hopefully pass out and not dream. Even then, sleep only came in little segments and it was very difficult waking up and remembering the nightmare reality that faced me. However, when you can sleep, please try and take advantage of that. Your body is going to need some strength.
If you have the wherewithall to take even a short walk, do it. If you don't have that strength, see if you can even just go in your backyard and take a breath of fresh air.
Talk with us. Whether you have anyone else to confide in or not, we are here and we know what you're going through as no one else truly can. All our stories are slightly different, but the trauma is shared, and there is a lot of wisdom and care for anyone and everyone that sadly finds themselves here.
For now, take baby steps: hour by hour. Breathe. Breathe. You will get through this. We'll be here as you need us. BlueIris
the aftermath of an A is like a roller-coaster...your emotions are all over the place, huge highs and lows that you are experiencing now.
Do you have one person that you can talk to ? A best friend who will be a friend to the relationship...meaning that she will not judge or act against your H....My best friend was my savior along with this board and my MC..my adult children know we had problems but not the issues of the A..
This board, just reading in the beginning was my life savior...knowing that I wasn't alone...then i started posting and haven't stopped...now I am giving back.
My friend was my sounding board and told me when I was out of line, when to grow up, and let it go..she has not experienced an A in her life, so her perspective was sometimes get over it but in a nice way, but it was good for me to have some one to vent to out loud, other then my H and the MC.
Pretending out in public is hard because you want to scream I am hurting and my WH did this to me...but instead you are polite and quite..saying you are out of sorts, bad cold...allergy to something in the air..
Jean, you have told us that your H has to see the OW twice a week...can you tell us why?...we can all put on our thinking caps to help you deal with this..
take care,
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
My husband will see her as she is a student of his. He works at the University twice a week and supervises her in a clinic. He is 46, she is 38...he seems to think that made it okay, after all, she wasn't 22-26 years old like the rest. I've begged him to quit, or find a way not to have to supervise her but he says he won't quit and I think he's hoping I'll let him finish the semester and then she graduates and he won't see her.
I found out on Tuesday, suspected something was up two weeks ago. I read an email she sent him and my world crumbled around me. He admitted everything (I think) and right now the University is closed for spring break..it reopens on Monday and he'll see her then for the first time since I found out. He emailed her but I'm unsure as to what he said...
I've started journaling my thoughts, but right now everything is so dark and angry in my head that I sound almost crazy. I literally am thinking strange, unnatural thoughts, and have found myself sitting in the bottom of my shower with freezing cold water running off my body because I didn't leave when the hot water ran out.
I hope I can get some suggestions and guidance here. My husband wants to keep our marriage going and appears to be broken up and remorseful...but we have a long way to go and so many questions to answer honestly. I love him so much and that is why this has been the most painful experience I have ever been through.
Jean,
we are here with you thru this roller-coaster ride.
I posted an article about boundaries. this may help you because you need to tell your H how you feel about his seeing the OW, working with her...as her professor he can not be fair in his grading of her work, he may also hurt his career if the OW told someone that she is having a relationship with her professor, and it gets back to his dept head...or the dean of students.
Ami posted her article on grief and she has another one on being transparent that will also help you with your H...hopefully she will repost it for you.
just thinking..
Would there be another professor that could step in and work with the OW...since there is only a short time till the semester is over?
take care,
(((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
My husband is going to ask to take a leave of absence on Monday until she graduates. Here's hoping it is approved. Really bad day today...few ups but many downs. Starting to get angry with him is that ok? Said so many things, got a lot out in the open. He seemed very surprised and swears he will never do it again. He also says he wants our marriage to work. He loves me...I believe...but I can't even begin to think of trusting him again. I am reading a good book to try and understand my emotions. I feel like the authors wrote it about me. I appreciate everyone's comments and support.
Yes! It is o.k. to be mad at him. It is o.k. to feel whatever you feel along the way...sad, mad, frustrated, depressed, confused, numb. Amazingly, there will even be times you feel strong and renewed! Its very good you've been able to tell him how you're feeling...even the angry stuff. It sounds like that's not a normal way for you to communicate with him. If that experience shocked him into truly hearing your feelings, that's wonderful. Honesty on both your parts is absolutely critical from here on out.
In my situation, I also had "the man of my dreams", the man I completely trusted, turn my world upside down with my discovery of his PA/EA. Because we'd had a really good solid marriage with hardly any fighting, it took me that much more by surprise and has made me question everything. I understand how surreal and nightmarish this is.
As you continue trying to make it through this next week, here are a couple of other ideas: if you are religiously observant, contact your priest/pastor/rabbi for comfort and counseling. See if your H is open to the idea of marriage counseling. See if he is open to individual counseling. Consider individual counseling for yourself, too. Reading is a great source of information and its good to hear you've found a book that's helping. Check out the "My Resources" portion of this website. There are a number of other really great books and magazine articles. When I first found out, an article by Dr. Shirley Glass really helped put voice to a lot of my feelings.
If you have trusted family members or friends, they can also be a really good source of support and comfort.
I'll be hoping that the leave of absence is approved and that your husband continues to be remorseful. You will find your way through this. I'm so sorry that this is a path you now have to walk in your life. We'll do what we can to help guide you with what we've learned so far. Hang in there. Blue Iris
You are not alone. I too, know exactly what you are going through. My H of 19 years did the same last year with this "girl" at work that was half his age and that made it very difficult for me. It made me feel extremely ugly and old.
I saw where you mentioned your H was taking a leave of absence. That is a good sign! My husband agreed to do whatever he had to in order to keep me from walking away. Everything that occurred to make his work situation acceptable for us involved a lot of rescheduling. It was a hassle, but then again, I saw it as a small price to pay considering all the damage he caused. We have been in counseling and have had LOTS of bad and decent days. I sometimes feel that I am the only one suffering, but I shared my concerns and have come to the understanding that men and women show their feelings differently. My sadness never seems to fade, while he seems like everything is just as great as before. It makes me feel angry to see him so "normal."
My H is working at doing whatever I need to help rebuild trust. Even after a year, I feel lonely, insecure, and unworthy of love. I kept a journal for a long time afterwards. I wrote down every thought - I MEAN EVERY THOUGHT, then I would write down something good about myself. It helped me realize that what happened was not my fault. Although, I still get depressed and feel like taking the blame, I try to remember to pray for strength during those times.
We renewed our vows 6 months after I found out the truth and I thought this would help bring closure to all of this pain and suffering. Honestly, it didn't. There is no magic anything, except trust in God. There is no time limit to when the pain will ease, nor is there a time limit as to when you will trust him again. The only thing you can do is to communicate with your husband as well as a close friend, preacher, or family member when you feel really sad.
I never realized how much the human body can cry. I have spent many nights in the shower, bathroom, bed, car, etc. just crying over what I lost. There is not a morning I wake up and don't automatically think about the affair. There is not a night that I am nightmare free. I feel like all the years we spent together are now tainted. Everywhere I turn, there are reminders about the infidelity. I hate it, but I know God will keep me in his hands until I can make it without breaking down.
Remember, you are NOT alone. May the Lord bless you and keep you. You did nothing wrong, no matter what others may say. You are following God's path. You are in my prayers.
This message has been edited by makingit on Apr 11, 2007 1:51 PM
My W also works with OP and sees him every day. Sometimes contact is few, but any is more than I like. Its very hard, dont know if it will get better because i am still in the beginning stages myself and find myself asking the same questions. I can just hope and pray that the work situation and circumstances change.
Reading your post was like reading about my pain. Four weeks tomorrow and still emotionally raw. He extended his leave of absence for a few more weeks (until she's gone). Feeling an incredible about of guilt and also am keeping a journal. I try to write in it daily.
I am praying daily that it will get easier...but I have my doubts.
