So some of you long timers may remember me from last year. I posted after I discovered my wife was having an affair, and it led to me feeling forced to kick her out. So this is a long overdue update, and hopefully a message of hope to those of you still right in the middle of this traumatic experience.
Its difficult to summarize all that has happened, so I'll try to keep it breif and not write a novel here.
Basically 3 months after getting married, to my long time friend and girlfriend, she, seemingly out of nowhere, started having an affair with a person we both work with. It was, as you all know very well, beyond devastating. After trying marriage counseling, and what seemed like unlimited patience to repair the marriage, she would not stop and I eventually made the decision to leave her. It was the right decision for me, though I feel that a lot of times a marriage can move on from this. In my specifc situation however, she would not stop, and to this day is still seeing him. The amount of tears and hopeless moments can't be counted. Going through this is a pain that I never even knew was possible, and I am so sorry to everyone here that is still sorting through this situation.
But I wanted to come here and give hope, and maybe even some guidance, since this forum helped me so so much during my darkest days.
I have since moved on with my life, I am seeing a new person, and things are starting to finally turn around. I wont lie to you, the pain lingers, and I'm sure it will for a long time. I was convinced that there would come a day that she would really regret what she has done. I was convinced someday I would understand why she did this. But that day has not come, she still sees him, has somehow forgotten the years we spent together, and I still dont have the slightest clue what made her do this when everything was going so well. I have come to the understanding that these things may never happen, but I have also come to the conclusion that it doesnt matter. I dont need to know why, or have her regret her actions, to move on and be happy. That understanding alone doesnt lessen the pain, but it does allow me to move on and find happiness where before I was so convinced I never would.
I have learned so much from this experience, way too much to outline in a single post. But these are the most important:
1. An affair doesnt have to destroy a marriage, and if the other person is sorry for their actions it can be worked out over time.
2. If your spouse is not sorry, or says they are but their actions say otherwise, you can still be happy. You will know when it is time for you to move on and leave. That was the hardest part for me, I knew I couldnt take what she was doing to me, but I couldnt figure out when I should give up on the marriage and move on. The answer isnt easy, but the best way to put it is that if it comes to that point you will know it. You will know you did everything you could but it takes two to save the marriage and you arent getting that mutual support, so its time to put this behind you and move on.
3. The feelings of hopelessness, of not being able to recover from this are normal. However I am walking proof that you can think you have the person of your dreams, lose them, and then find happiness. It takes incredible patience and strength, but we all have that power inside of us, we are all stronger than we think we are.
4. Not understanding why this is happening to you is normal, and it makes you feel powerless and hurts that much more. Like your life is falling down around you and you dont know why and worse you cant stop it. The key is this: you dont have to understand why your spouse is doing this to continue taking care of yourself and moving in a direction that makes you feel better over time, be it marriage counseling all the way to leaving them if it goes that far. Your responsibility as the victim is to make sure YOU are ok and that you are doing positive things in the face of all the negative being thrown at you. If you take care of yourself things WILL get better.
5. You cant fix your spouse, only they can. What you can do however is help them fix themselves if that is what they want to do. If they are sorry be there to heal with them and in time things will improve. If they will not stop despite your best efforts, you have to remember that your control over anyone's behavior, including your spouse, is incredibly limited. Which is why taking care of yourself must be the top priority. Helping your spouse regain your trust is a noble effort when they work toward that goal. Sacrificing your own well being on the other hand to try to change the behavior of your spouse when it is clear they dont want to change I believe only hurts you more, because then you arent putting enough energy to your own healing, its all going to trying to get them to "change" or "stop" doing what they are doing, which wont work unless they decide to do that for themselves.
These are just a few things I have learned, there are so many lessons from all this. Often I fantasize about being able to go back in time and talk to myself a year ago when I was right in the middle of all this pain and give some guidance and direction, because I felt so lost. I cant do that, but I can use my wisdom to help those of you here who are still suffering so greatly. And I'm very willing to do so. I will try to post here as often as I can, but I also wanted to extend an offer for any of you to talk with me through my email: scalelokt@yahoo.com I am always willing to help through advice, sharing my opinion, or simply just listening. Good luck to all of you and remember to stay strong, you have more strength inside you than you think....
