Helllo,

I know my story is long, but please please I am begging members to read this. I feel so alone with no help. I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I need real answers. Thank you. Thank you.

I am typing you as fast as I can. I have two very young boys and get very very little time to myself. I have begged there Dad to take them out for awhile.

I don't know where to begin. My story is painful, saddening and freightening.

My husband and I dated for 8 years before marrying. We waited another 7 years to have kids (our choice). We were aged 35 and 33.5 when we had our first. We have two boys, three years apart. Both were planned pregnancies.

My husband and I had one many might say, "a different kind of marriage". We did things seperate and we did things together. He did alot more things separate than I.

Anyhow, we have our first son and everything changes in our marriage. I really see it now. Husband use to share household chores, cooking, both of us worked. Then when I went on mat leave I found that 80% of things became my responsibilites. I think at the time, I didn't say much as I was home anyhow. Then I returned to work a year later (after mat. leave). Suddenly, I went to work full time, took care of the house, the cooking, the laundry and our son, while he continued to do things separate. It was mainly my son and I on one team, and him on another. Again, I don't believe how bothered I am about this at the time it is happening. My two year old starts becoming very difficult. Very. The Doctors claim it is the terrible twos and will pass. I request of my husband that we plan for a playmate and sibling for his brother. He declines, but with some pleases he obligies. On mat leave with baby number two, I return my older sibling to Day Care because he was increasingly difficult. Again, the Doctors say, it is the "horrible threes". Later as he becomes more and more difficult, I am told it is because he is jealous of his brother. My husband has a new home built and talks about our house being paid off if we plan properly. That I need not return to work after my mat. leave. I must mention that as my first born becomes more difficult to manage, I am placing greater demands on him to come home and be with us, not only to help me, but to be a father. He hasn't be involved with either son now. My husband is telling people I am a nag I later find out. I wouldn't say I was a nag, but expected as a husband and father to be there for us and to be apart of our family. Now me and my boys were on one team/family, and it appears he is one in his own family. He has been telling me for months that he can't come home on Thursday nights because he is having these important meetings that his boss insist he be part of. I am begging him to come home and he firmly refuses.

I return to work, in part because I do not wish to deal with this difficult child (to get a break). I am only back a short while, maybe a month or two when I see huge changes to his personality. More distant and very mean/insensitive. He throws in comments like, "he should live on his own,,,". My gut tells me he has been deeply hurt by some other relationship (WOMAN). Later I am proven right, he admits to it. Once he came clean, he really said even more painful things. He hasn't loved me for along time, he wasn't meant to be a dad, if I am going to kill myself I should leave him a v/m first,,,. I became extremely sick. I couldnt' believe this was happening. Only four months prior he is telling me not to return to work,,,.

I later find out much with digging. There had been no meetings on Thursday nights for months. Yet, he denies he was staying with some woman. Swears he was sleepign at a friends and that he just did this because he wanted a boys night out. I later also found out he placed a huge line of credit inwhich to invest and wrote several cheques to this property. When I confronted him about everything, he just tried to turn things around or change the subject. When he came clean he wanted to leave so bad, he would continue to say horrifying things to me. I finally asked him to leave and he said, "don't you think this is what I wanted all along, for you to kick me out?!" Now he doesn't look like he walked out on his kids.

Then there was his sister who was like a best freind to me. She was also very close to my first born and godmother. In my will, I stated that she should take care of my children in the event something happened to me/my husband (her brother). Well, that too changed rather quickly. She sided with him "just because they are siblings." Again, another blow for me. She was so dear to me, to my kids. She would say things to me like, "well, you nagged him and drove him away". Like he had no responsilbiies to anyone other than himself. She would then say, that a gift their mom gave us of money, would have to be paid back. That it was not a gift and we would have to see what a lawyer would decide. Again, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Shock and pain from another trusted sole.

My world is falling apart. My son becomes diagnosed with ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), and anxiety. At current he is being testing for Learning Disabilities as he is making next to no progress in grade one.

Not sure that I mentioned it, but when the woman broke of their relationship (my husbands and hers), apparently it was because she was so in love with him and wanted more than he could offer. I saw hiim fall apart. He told me "I have nothing". Do you know how that made me feel? What were the children and I? What was his home, his job, his vechile. He denied being in love, now stating he didn't know what love was. That cut like a knife.

I lost my job, for failing to preform, during all this revealing. I was a mess at work, crying all the time. I lost 30 lbs in one month and wasn't sleeping.

Now I was without a job, without a husband, without a dear freind sister in law and coping with a really really hard to manage child. I was in shock as to this happening. I loved him. I still love him. This has been killing me for 2.5 years when everythng came open.

I have no help of any kind. Not from family/friends. My dreams are falling apart.

I begged him to return after I lost my job, telling him I couldn' t cope with everything going on (mainly our sons behaviour). To this day, he is still causing alot of stress to my life. He often is fighting with his brother. I can't get a handle on this. Well, he came back, and has been back for 2 years, four months. There has been alot of ups and downs. Suggests on his part we need to work on our marriage, then many more hints that it is over. He has been a very very cold person since his return. It has been a painful emotioal and often cruel time, but I guess I was sometimes under the impression he wanted to make it work. I HAVE BEEN SADDENLY MISTAKEN YET AGAIN.

Lastnight, things came to blows again. He told me part of the reason he comes home and doesn't talk to me/the kids at the table is because he doesn't want me thinking that things are working out in our marriage. I can't believe this man is 40 and still treating me this way after all he has put me through. He wants to leave, apparently move to his Moms (I WONDER), and come here and stay with the boys when he sees fit. His mom has amble room, but for whatever reason he doesn't want to take them there for sleepovers. I think because my older son stresses everyone out. She wasn't an involved mother and she isn't an involved grandmother. He would make on occasion sexual advances towards me, but lately I brushed him off, thinking I can not be used, when you show me no emotional connection. HE WOULD COME IN AND SPEAK TO NO ONE. Maybe say hi to the boys, how was your day. He wanted his meals cooked, laundry done, house cleaned, kids looked after, but offered us no mental connection. He says I am difficult because I can't move on and let the past be the past. I guess it is hard to let things go when he is still living with me, treating me like crap and having a huge effect on my mind/heart. I must be an idiot......I am in pain, I am angry, I am scared and still in love. He doesn't love me, why do I care about him? My dreams gone!

I do not have much education, I am now 42 and I feel right now I need to be where I am for my kids. Maybe indefinately depending on my older sons situation. I currently help out at his school so I can be near him. My life is a mess. So many dreams shattered. Again, so much disbelif and pain. So many people hurt in this. I am trying to protect my kids and be there for them, but I need breaks. If he leaves, he won't see them much. He has stated this. He needs his life/his space. He constantly reminds how hard the older boy is and how hard I have it, but offers little support. AGAIN, NO ONE WISHES TO HELP ME OUT WITH HIM.

What am I going to do? I have seen a lawyer. I no what he has to give me. We simply don't come close to managing even if we downsize alot. I would likely get kicked out from anything rented if shared, or an apartment, for my older son causes alot of noise and ruckess.

I feel sad, pained. I feel trapped with no light at the end of the tunnel.

I can't return to work, I have never made much. It wouldn't make sense to also leave me kids and return to work. My older boy would probably act up more (both mom and dad leaving). And as I said, quite frankly now is not the time to leave them.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

He now refuses to leave (what a switch). I am living a painful nightmare (but I have his money and help to take care of the boys).

I realize I am all over the place typing this. I am sorry. Not one family member, nor one friend has the answer for me. NOT ONE.

Please say you can help. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE

LMW,

You don't need to feel alone any longer....you have found a safe place, with people who have experienced the pain of infidelity.  You will likely find relief that so many people can relate to the range of emotions that you have felt..and continue to feel.

I realize that you probably have very little time to focus on you...but that is going to have to be a starting point for you.  Whatever bit of time that you can give yourself every day....you need to do it.  Have you read any of the many excellent books on infidelity?  If not, click on the 'Helpful Links' section (to the left of this screen) and scan through the list of books and resources.  Once you are able to have some understanding of the whole 'infidelity' mess....it actually helps give you some clarity in dealing with your emotions.  You just have to begin by putting one foot in front of the other.  Are you seeing a counsellor?  If not, you might want to consider it.  In my opinion, marriage counselling is probably not what you may need right now....it sounds to me as though you need to sort through some things for you first.

The process of moving forward after an affair (whether it's with or without the cheating spouse) is a long process that requires an incredible amount of time and patience.  But you can only begin by taking baby steps...and it's those baby steps that will gradually give you more strength and confidence as time goes by.

We are here for you also .  Keep posting and venting.  It doesn't matter whether your thoughts are all over the place....it helps to get the anger out of your system!  And you will be venting to people who have been (and still are) in your shoes....we get it, and we're here to help you in any way that we can.

All the best,

Kara

LMW,

I don't have time to write much, but wanted to welcome you. Kara has given you some excellent advise. Unfortunately the only power we have, in all this mess, is over ourselves. We can not make our spouses see, what they do not wish to see. Take care of YOU. There is a book called the "Dance of Intimacy" The author escapes me completely right now, but I believe this will help you.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I know how difficult it is. You are not alone in how you feel.

Ami

LMW,

I am so sorry you are here and in this situation. Through my marriage since D day I have coined the phrase in my mind of how my H treated me, “cruel and unusual punishment.” This certainly applies in your situation too.

Something that I learned since my D day in July is that what I wanted, needed and so desperately was working towards – meant nothing if H was not willing to participate. There was a long time where even that my H told me he was trying, it was a lie. Then I went through brief periods where he wasn’t even lying about trying… he would just abandoned me and do his own thing and then come back and act like he did nothing wrong. BUT in all of this he was never rude to me. He lied, snuck around, cheated and was EXTREMELY selfish, but never had mean words to say to me. This concerns me if your H is doing that. I feel like it is adding insult to an already injured soul.

My H has come out of his selfish crisis and (for now) has cleaned up his behavior and situation. He may not have done this on his own, but after almost 7 months of crap and me finally getting the strength up to tell him to leave – the change began. (I don’t have complete faith in him now or that he won’t go back to his old tricks, but for now he seems remorseful and trying to make right.)

I know how alone you can feel. It is an awful time – no doubt about that. I am sure having children together makes it much more trying. My H and I have no kids together and my son that lives with us is 18.

I really don’t have advice (so sorry!) – I found that other than taking care of myself, there was nothing I could really do until my H came out of his fog a bit. Do you think your H will ever come out of this, or do you feel it is a lost cause and you are just in a holding pattern until someone breaks?

I am so sorry that you are going through this and it makes me sad and angry to read that he is treating you and your kids this way.

You are not alone though -

Hugs,

Coral


"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

Dear LMW,
I feel your desperation and hopelessness. If only I could give you some life-saving advice. I can't make things better, but I can tell you I care and feel for you. Your H is a cad and I hope he comes to realize that.
It is so difficult to handle a child with OCD on top of HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER.
My only advice is to focus on you for a change. Let others care for your son for a little while each day or each week. You need a break. Perhaps, if your H is home he can take over for a couple of hours so you can have a much needed break.
Please know that there are people who know what you are going through and want to hlep.. Just open up and let the poison out and your hopes take hold.
With much caring!
Diane


Diane

You are no longer alone. You have found a wonderful loving group of people. We will hold your hand through the healing. We all have been betrayed. We all know your pain. You will find the peace and healing you seek, it takes time and hard work.

The first thing you must do is read our healing links. Read everything. Check out ALL of dearpeggy.com Every Monday she posts a new question of the week check there please. She has so much healing wisdom for you.

Now as for your son...

First of all ODD is NOT your fault. It is something that even the pros have great difficulty with, and diagnosing it is not easy. The fact that he has other disorders also makes your job even harder. I know you have a lot on your plate but I would sincerely like to recomend another great book. It is How To Discipline With Love by Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson. There is another book with a similar title, and similar and that author is Dr Dobson. Do not get that book! Please read Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson's book. It is going to provide you with great help. However... and this is a big one.. please know that a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder requires PROFESSIONAL help. The problems are more than the average parent can handle. I don't know where you live but a lot of help should be available to you through the school system if you are insistent about needing help and wanting the best for your son. His problems need professional help, and nothing you have done has caused them. It is the same thing as his being born left or right handed nothing absolutley nothing to do with you. However, it is your responsibility to get him the help he needs and your first stop is the school.

As for you please please get into counseling. You have so much pain to deal with, your H and your son, my heart breaks for you and counseling will help you so very much. If finances are a concern there is free help available please seek it out. Can you give me a general location of where you live? We are from all around the world.

I am glad you found us. We care that is why we stay. My d day was almost 7 years ago. Healing takes work, reading, writing and talking. This is the place to write and talk. We learn from each other here. There is no such thing as too long a post. Pour out your heart, we will do all we can to help.
Much love to you and your boys.
EL

Dear lonely,

I am so sorry that you are struggling. as all the others here have done I just want to add my welcome, you have found a warm and welcoming place. You have gotten wonderful responses...

I fully understand you need to be your son's advocate...he needs you to make sure that he gets tested and given all the breaks he needs to get an education ...and you have to fight hard for him.

I will say that" many" men have a very hard time handling a child who has a problem... it is all tied in to the male image...my guess is that is why your H is unable to accept his son..he also doesn't know what to do to help your son so does nothing...

Sorry this is short but only had a few minutes to respond minute.

(((((hugs)))))

pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

As others have already said, you are no longer alone, and this can be your place to vent and you are amongst friends here, people who understand your pain because we have all felt it, and we can help you get through this.

First I want to start by saying that as I was reading your post, your husbands behavior and the things he would say reminded me SO much of things my wife would say during her affair. Though our situations are very different, I could almost see my wife saying those exact things. I bring this up because I think its very important that you understand right now that you are not alone, that so many have dealt with this situation and I hope that through that knowledge you will get at least some comfort. The reason being that since we understand so well what you have been through, we can give you a great deal of insight and guidance as you work through these dark times.

Unfortunately I am about to leave work so I cant write a long response until later, however I wanted to at least say that you are not alone and we are here to help you cope. Your husband sounds like he is deep in the "fog". So many people take for granted what they have, and then they start to treat it as though it means nothing to them. This OW suddenly is the focal point of his attention even though she hasnt done anything for him in comparison to what you have done, namely bringing his childeren into the world and being his long time lover and friend. Its very unfair, and very painful for you, and that is of course normal and to be expected. You are right in the thick of this situation and its now that you need to summon all of your strength and make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Make good decisions for you, take your kids out to the park and play, do anything you can that is positive and brings you and your children closer. I know its easier said than done, but one thing that is so important during these times is to not become completly overwhelmed by the terrible choices your H has made. Of course you will need to think about it, analyze it, explore your situation in your head over and over, its normal and you couldnt stop from doing it if you tried. But I also hope you will take time to tend to your top priorities, which are yourself and your beautiful children. Stay strong, stay focused on doing what you need to do to care for your family. People in the "fog" are simply not thinking rationally. They are not thinking about what is best for their family, or what is best for them. Being in the fog is almost like living in the moment with no concept of past or future, and making decisions based on immature and often selfish ideas.

I think the first step for you right now is to make sure you and your children are ok and taken care of. Next it seems to be an unwritten law that a spouse in "the fog" is going to need some time to come out of it. It could happen quickly, sometimes it never happens. These situations are so difficult. You are in survival mode right now and thats where you should be, just make sure you are taking care of you, and stay strong. I hope you will continue to post with updates regularly. The more we know about what is happening and the more we hear from you the easier it is to give friendly advice and guidance. Or to just listen if you need to vent, that is fine too

Sorry I couldnt write more, I will continue to read your posts however and follow up as often as I can. The good news I have for you though is that the people here are loving, knowledgeable, patient, and understand what you are feeling and thinking. We have all been there and you are not alone. You have come to the right place and you will be treated like an old friend for as long as you come here.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with so many stressful things right now. Your situation is somewhat similar to mine. H and I have 3-year-old twins and he became very resentful of us and very distant after they were born. Now he is having a secret relationship which I'm pretty certain is an A, although I don't yet have the concrete proof. On top of it our twins are having behavioral problems (probably just typical stuff) and I am struggling to deal with them while trying to deal with marriage issues at the same time! I understand having thoughts that run all over the place.
I think everyone had some good ideas in the previous posts. I hope that you will find some time for yourself. I know sometimes it's difficult. Talk to your sons pediatrician and tell him that you are really in need of some help and support. He/she will probably be able to help you find a support group or other resources. Individual counseling might also help you to sort things out. I know it can be expensive. But, if you have a county mental health department in your area you can receive counseling services based on your income.
(((HUGS))) to you and welcome. This is a great place where the people truly understand what you're going through. Take care of yourself.

K