Hi-
I hope that a H sleeping with prostitutes constitutes 'affairs' for the sake of this site, because I have been reading a lot and it is very helpful but really need to share my story:

We have been together for 7.5 years and married for 3.5 years. I have two very young kids (1.5 and 2.5 years old). My H is what everyone has always, including me, considered the almost perfect H, person, father, etc.

Last Sunday I glanced at his email and saw something strange, so I clicked on and read more, and then confronted him with two kids around my ankles, then he put the kids to bed while I read through the rest of his email, and discovered this very expensive prostitute's website. He admitted to just twice with her in the last three months. I was, of course, SHOCKED to say the least, and deeply hurt. The next night, after going out with some friends for some support and a little tipsy when i arrived home, i decided to look through his cell phone, and I started calling numbers, one of which was an escort service in Miami. I was supposed to go to miami with my H for his business trip but decided to stay home to SAVE MONEY> in the meantime he was with a prostitute, and these girls are not at all cheap.

Turns out, he finally admits to having seen prostitutes for almost the last 2 years, and it seems that, if he is truthful (and he put this in a sworn affidavit, notarized) he has been with five other women over the last 2 years.

Let me put this in a little more perspective: we have two little kids, i am at home, he is paying $2000 a pop (oh yeah, he initially wanted me to believe these were just massages and hand jobs?) + $800 for a hotel room, and I do not have enough money at the end of the month to buy groceries for the kids because of all our bills....

Want to keep the marriage, i THINK but am not sure, have lots of dates set up with counselors, have a good support group here, but just wish i knew if i will ever be able to trust him again, much less be physical (mostly because i don't think i ever want him to touch me, but also because there is a real risk he could infect me with something - i was also tested for STDs today)- any ideas for what this process is like and when i can expect to maybe trust him again? He is trying to offer me the moon now too, and is seeking support in 12 step groups in addition to lots of shrinks..... to his credit..... and i kicked him out of the house but he still comes by every night to play with the kids.

HELP! Thanks

Dear Jenom,

I am so sorry that you, through no fault of your own, have found yourself at this site. You are absolutely welcome here. Your circumstances do constitute an affair/infidelity/adultery. However it needs to be termed, you are a betrayed spouse (BS), and we will be here to listen, help, cry with, rejoice with, amazingly there will be points of laughing with in addition to the screaming with, we will be there with you whenever you're comfortable turning to HH.

I've got to dash - - am headed out of state (gulp! away from my H - a scary thought for a variety of reasons) and need to pack, but want to come back to your email tonight and say a few more things.

Again, I'm so sorry for the circumstances. In my own situation, my H had a 3 year EA/PA with 1 OW, and plenty of time on-line and on the phone with others. I know a whole rainbow of pain because my situation spans the gammit. You sound like, considering your situation, your feet are planted squarely on the ground and you're thinking clearly. That's a huge advantage. Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. You will survive this. The marriage, if your H is TRULY remorseful, can survive. But this is the beginning of a very, very, very long process that will be incredibly hard work for both of you. You can do it. And all of us here at HH will do what we can to help along the way. Be well. Be strong. BlueIris

Jenom,

I too am responding with very little time, but I wanted you to know that you are in the right place here on HH.

Also, has your H been tested for STDs as well? You said you were tested today, but has he had himself tested too? I asked my H to get tested the week I found out... he did and it wasnt good. Didnt help as well that he continued his A's and even introduced a new OW to the mix after our first D day either.

Share here - we all are great listeners.

Thinking of you.

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

Jenom:

You are in the right place, and your situation most certainly is one that we're designed to support.

It's possible that your husband has come fully clean about the number of women involved in his habit, although often a WS takes a long time before offering the full truth. I only tell you this so that you can be prepared that there could be more.

The whole recovery process takes a lot of time. In fact, I'm not sure it ever is totally completed. I encourage you to take your time and not rush the process, read, read, and read some more. There are many good books on recovery listed in our "Healing Links" section. Also, it's good that your husband has shown signs of remorse. That is something that can be built on. A couple working together will do much, much more good than any number of counselors can achieve.

In fact, one caution I'd like to give you is that many of the counselors that my wife visited, to some degree, left something to be desired. There was one in particular that was leading her down a path that, if my would have followed it, would have problem meant the end of our marriage. Counseling should always be checked with common sense and consulting others. That's one good thing about this site, because many of the people here have actually healed from affairs. While we're not trained to counsel, our experiences have the potential to affirm the advice that you're getting from your counselors.

Trust is re-established as he works to prove himself trustworthy. He accomplishes that through transparency, accountability and integrity. My wife did those things by always letting me know where she is or where she was going, me always having access to her communications (email and cell phones), by always being where she said she was going to be, and by being open and truthful about the events of the affair and her feelings during it. She also allowed me to do my "investigation" of the affair without hindering me. My wife eventually gave a full confession that she wrote out, of the entire affair and the feelings that she had during it. These are some of the primary things she did to rebuild trust, and I think they were very reasonable.

However, it still takes time, but it's gradually rebuilt. You might never trust him to the same degree that you trusted him before, but that's probably too much trust for anyone anyway. We should have a little mistrust for our spouses, so that when something fishy comes up, then we challenge them. The whole process can make a marriage more healthy if it's done correctly. You will get close to that kind of trust gradually over time. But at first you might need to make special provisions. For example, if he needs to travel, you might need to go with him the first few times, especially if he needs to return to Miami or another city where the prostitution occurred.

Affair recovery can't be dealt with like a 'normal' marital slight. Just being "offered the moon" is a kind of patronization that most people think will "make the affair go away". However, this hurt runs deeper than any platitude or promise can address. For me, it has taken fundamental changes in the way that my wife relates to me, in her openness, and in her integrity. I don't think our marriage could have recovered without that effort from her. If she tried to address it by being nicer to me for a few months, I don't think our marriage would have recovered. I'm guessing that a lot of people feel like I do. However, my wife got some bad advice at first, and at other points along the way. My wife counselor wasn't pushing her toward those things at first either, and it took her years to get to where she was not hiding things anymore. That's why it's important that your husband gets the right guidance early on, so he doesn't waste time getting to the task of transforming into someone with the integrity that you can start trusting him sooner rather than later.

Again, welcome to The Healing Heart.

TomJ

Hey-

Thanks Tom and Carol and Blue Iris, for responding to me. It is so comforting to hear from others what this is like, to know that marriages make it or even if they don't, i'm not alone. I am freaking out and need help asap as i just learned some more details about the actual sex they had, i need him to be around to see his kids, who are also catching on, but i don't want to delve too deeply into this until i am ready. I thinjk i am learning too much too quickly.

He is coming back from work now to help with the kids while i go find an emergency counselor - just to stabilize myself for the day. Do you think meds will help in this initial stage? like anti-anxiety...

ugh
well i will continue to share my story as it unfolds and i hope you all do not have any more horrors ahead of you in your relationships.... too....
thanks thanks thanks so much-
jen

I am so sorry. Big huge hugs and prayers sweetie. This pain is brutal, I know. I too went to our doc a week after D-day, and thought I needed to be hospitalized. I wasn't, but YES on the meds, anti-anxiety, of course speak to a doctor first.

Just so you know, the OW in our case was a stripper. I know the devastation of the OW being in that "industry".

We are still in the thick of it, but this initial shock will get better. Do you want to come to chat on the open board and talk?

Hope

jenom, people are in chat on the open board usually in and out during the day. just post there that you need to talk, and someone will most likely join you.

I am glad you are seeing a counselor today, and hopefully a doctor too, and a minister if you are a person of faith.

Jen,

Share when you can. We are all here to listen, lend words, advice and opinions.

I hope your C appt goes well.

HUGS!

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

So sorry you are here and feeling in so much pain. We all know what that is like. For the first 3 months, I was out of my mind - no sleep, no food, crying all day. One day I just sat on the bathroom floor begging H to take me to a hospital. And, normally, I am very sane.

Medication is a very personal choice. I am on anti-depressants (wellbutrin) and take sleeping pills (lunesta or ambien). I don't think I could have survived without them. They don't make everything better but just allow a little perspective. I also have anti-anxiety medication (klonopin) for when I have flashbacks, moments of sheer torture for me.

Others will feel differently about drugs. It has to be a personal decision. I come from a family of doctor. I believe in modern medicine and want to avail myself of the relief it can provide.

Hi,

Just adding my welcome..

Meds have worked for many members so don't be afraid to try something your Dr. recommends...

I was happy to read that your H is working to try to find out why he acted the way he did...His actions now are showing that he really wants to be with you...
My H was with many women and you can get past the infidelity...hookers, bar flies, long A's...

The STD testing was one of the worst experiences that I have ever had...but so necessary.

Please read the link...helpful hints on the left side of the page...Dear Peggy site is a good source of information ...validates the feeling that you are experiencing.

Posting helps validate your feelings and realize that you are normal.

take care,

((((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Hi,

My H also went with hookers for over 2 years..the hurt is immense....I know!

My journey is very up and down with all of the emotions you can imagine. Anger, was at the top of my list for a looong time. It still is below the surface.

My H and I separated for a while. I couldn't look at him at all. I literally could not look at him as I was so destroyed and totally disgusted with what he did.

Know, that with time you will come thru. You already possess the strength you need with raising two children! You will decide, in time, whether you can move thru the pain and come out the other side healed and able to stay with H.

I am glad you have counselors and support around you. Talk thru it too! Try writing a journal..it is a great way of letting your feelings out without having to hold your tongue. It is also a way of documenting your journey to review week by week and see the PROGRESS you make.

If you need to talk..don't hesitate...there is help here