First,

I want to say a very big and hearty thanks to all of you who responsded to my prior post. THANK YOU.

Here I am at home alone (well, the boys are sleeping), but I still feel alone.

My husband who I still love, WHO DOESN'T LOVE ME, is out and I don't know where and with whom. This is driving me painfully painfully nuts. How can I and do I stop letting his outtings hurts me?

Please someone tell me how to stop caring about this man who doesn't deserve my love?

Secondly, I feel so lonely. This is an awful feeling!

Thank you for listening. God bless.

I just wanted to respond. I don't know what to say but I want you to know you're not alone.

I think you can't stop hurting while he is acting this way. If he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, he will. You need to set boundries and consequences. He can't think he can see anyone he wants and then come home like nothing happened.

I know you are worried about being alone and making it on your own but you are stonger than that. You can do it. It won't be easy but it can be done. You can't keep letting him treat you this way.

I mostly just want to say, hang in there. You will know when it is time to make a move. But you can't keep being in pain. You need to take care of you. He isn't.

Keep posting and keep loving those kids. But remember you have needs too.

Trinity

You are not alone. I am so sorry you are hurting.

I can relate as it wasnt that long ago that I was right where you are. The wondering and the pain that I felt that my H didnt even respect me enough to call me and let me know where he was - well it was just plain awful.

Vent here - we all will listen and I do think that it really helps to get it out - even if it is just on the boards here.

HUGS TO YOU!

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

Thank you for your replies.

I don't know why, but when I had posted that message, it showed as anonymous. I am the woman he previously posted a message titled "Sad Lonely, Freightened and Pained".......something like that.

Really, I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I need a miraacle to happen in the very very worst weigh.

I am in love with a man who treats me horribly. He says and does what he wants. His goign out, drives me nuts. I don't know who he is with, what he is doing. On the other hand, I need his help with our children. Atleast with him here, I can run out on a bad day with my kids. I have no help otherwise. Then there is huge money issues if he leaves and where I will live and how I will financially be able to take care of my kids. HE HOLDS ALL THE CARDS IT SEEMS.

Why must I love a man that is emotionally unavailable, and has little involvment with my kids.

Since I have to live this way, please someone tell me how to shut him out?!

Thank you for listening and writing. God bless.

p.s. I AM SO LONELY.

If you are determined to stay with him no matter what he does, then you need to accept that this is how life will be for you. I think most of our pain comes from our expectations not being met. We expected that marriage vows meant something to our spouse. That it meant we were the one and only special person for them. That this special act meant something and was saved for us alone.

If you have decided you must stay then you need to accept that he will be this way. You have to accept that his marriage vows did not mean he would be monogamous. You have to lowere your expectations to meet his behavior then your expectations will be met.

That is the only way I can see you not hurting anymore.

I don't know about you but I couldn't do it. Early on I decided I had to stay with my H because we were in the middle of adopting our foster kids. If I kicked him out I would never be able to adopt and may lose then all together. So I pretended it was all ok. I wasn't going to set any boundries. I wasn't going to expect any new behaviors from him.

I want to clarify, he wasn't continueing the A behavior but he refused to discuss it. He refused to got to MC or IC. He generally didn't change the behaviors that led up to the A and wasn't helping in our recovery.

Anyway, after about a month, I couldn't take and broke down. I told my H I couldn't pretend anymore and needed him to leave. He was very supportive and agreed to MC after that.

I won't say it's been a bed of roses since then but I know your H won't change if you continue just looking for a way to accept his behavior.

Trinity

Although I feel I am in the worst way with what has been happening to me (with the $$$ prostitutes) I cannot even imagine how you must feel, in that position, with kids. I have kids and I feel dumb enough and here my husband is offering me just about anything I want to stay 'in the marriage.' I, too, would not be in the best position to leave but i have two things going for me: 1) i have rallied my friends and family (and even his family) around ME to support me, even people who had not heard from me in forever and 2) i have seen a lawyer and figured out just what my rights are. This meeting with the lawyer alone was SOOOOOOOOOOO empowering. If you are a stay at home mom like me, I STRONGLY urge you to seek legal advice regardless of how you feel towards H, just for the sake of protecting your babes (and yourself, even though you probably feel like you're not worth protecting at this point, only because your H has really been doing a good deal towards helping you feel about 1 inch tall).

Set up a plan to get out of it, and set boundaries. Even if you do not intend to exit the relationship, at least think about how you would do so. Talk to friends, or family, get some support in case you do leave. I hope you will be surprised by how much people really reach out when the stakes are high and the cards are down - I was.

I hope you pull through this, and your kids, in good health and stronger - H sounds really not worthy of your love right now-

Jen

I have to agree, as unfortunate and unfair as it is, if there are no consequences the behavior will continue. And I also agree that the only way to live with this is to accept it, which I cant imagine anyone being capable of. No way you can keep going like this forever. I've said in earlier posts that I personally feel that setting boundries and consequences is crucial. You have no control over what he does, but you do have control over how you will respond to his behavior. What boundries you set and what consequences you make are up to you. For me I told my W that she has to have absolutly no contact with OM, and if she does she may as well start packing her stuff. I couldnt stop her from seeing him, I spent many nights alone and scared out of my mind. But one thing I never did was accept any of what she was doing. I set my boundries and when she broke them I followed through on what I warned her would happen. I did my part to save the marriage, now she has to live with what she has done, for much longer than I will thats for sure.

I understand completly the financial situation, my W made slightly more than me and I knew kicking her out would cost me my house, and put me in serious financial trouble. But there are always ways, be it child support, help from family or friends, working an extra job, whatever you have to do there is always a way, and I would hate for you to feel you HAVE to live like this simply because of money, I really dont think that is the case. In my situation, what I feared if I made her leave happened, I lost my house, I'm in financial trouble, etc. I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment where before I was in a beautiful house. I barely make my car payment every month and if I missed a single paycheck I dont think I could possibly keep my head above water. But you know what? I'm fine with all of that. The money problems will pass, and things have already improved so much. My WS would not stop hurting me for whatever selfish reasons, so I made the decision that I had to make. And I'll tell you, all the financial stress I have doesnt amount to even 1% of the stress I felt on an average night when my W was out with OM. My point is, you cant continue to live this way, and you must set your boundries. The consequences of having to be on your own are surely less than the consequences of staying assuming his behavior continues. And you never know, maybe when you start setting these boundries you will come to his senses. But even if he doesnt, you are taking care of yourself and your children which is everything.

tHANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY.

i KNOW SO MUCH of what you say is true.

But, one of my children has so many problems that I feel I must stay home with him. I never had a high paying job, so even to go to work, I don't know how I would make ends meet. It is different when you have kids, VERY DIFFERENT.

I know you don't undertand my children situation. My older son, just turned 7 yesterday, is a hard child to manage. My mom who had four kids can not handle him (she doesn't want to). This is why I say, I have no help. I would be single, alone with no help and huge huge huge stress from my children fighting. THEY FIGHT FROM MORNING TO NIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. You have no idea how stressful this is until you live it!

I hate to sound negative. Seriously, I am thankful to everyone who responds.

I am pained, scared, tired, stressed, lonely, freightened and worried for my kids.

Please don't be angry, that I feel so trapped.

I am so sorry that you are hurting...

I fully understand that you have a special needs child...please seek help from your local mental health agencies..they may be able to help you with setting boundaries that work for your children so there isn't as much fighting...setting boundaries and sticking with them is hard, because the children are always testing you...but time outs do work... you have to be consistent, or they will walk over you...The one thing I learned with my son was having a set schedule, and controlled environment.

There is no one here that will be upset with your decision...you are doing what is best for your children. We all understand the pain you are experiencing with your H's behavior, and the feelings of being powerless.

(((((hugs))))

Pat



"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I am a firm believer of no one knows what it is like till they walked a mile in your shoes. I am sure that your situation with your children is much more difficult than any of us could imagine and I am so sorry for that.

As Pat said, if you can, check with your local agencies to see if there is even the smallest bit of help available to you.

Thoughts are with you,

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

Hi Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have all but a minute to write you. First, thank you for some very wise words and some kind ones.

Especially thank you to Coral. I too believe ............"UNTIL YOU HAVE WALKED IN ONES SHOES!" This is so true. And to Pat, I have been to many Dr.'s and groups out there. It is awful, there is no help. I mean, my son sees a Psychiatrist and takes meds for ADHD. But that certainly doesn't solve all his problems. If you read up on ODD (oppositioanl defiant disorder), well you would realize NOTHING gets to these kids. But, I truly don't believe it is all that (ODD), I think he has a huge case of jealousy towards his brother and I can't get him to stop fighting with him, and also I think he has memory (retrival problems) that make him forget that he just got in trouble for such and such. I guess the schools testing may later confirm that.

If only I could win a fortune. I could have a home to live in and not worry about bills, about being away from my kids. I could hire myself some help, hire my son a tutor for his school learning difficulties. I could get myself a really good counsellor because my current life is killing me.

DO DREAMS COME TRUE?!

Thank you all. God bless.

I wanted to apologize to you. I think I came on too strong with the 2x4 treatment. I think your heart is too tender right now for that.

I understand you are in a difficult situation, but no situation is impossible. There are options. If your child is officially diagnosed with special-needs there are services available to him. You need to take advantage of them for your sanity. You will not be able to cope for all his life at this rate.

Your pain is so clear. I hurt for you and just want to see you free of one source of pain so you can deal with the other challenges in your life.

Sincerely
Trinity

LMW -

I dont know much about ADHD, but I had a thought today... are there parent support groups for this... anyone know? I was thinking that if you, LMW, had some support or even just someone to talk to that was going through the same thing locally - perhaps even just one day a month you could trade off watching eachothers kids to give the other one a break??? (I know sometimes someone offers something that isnt even feasible - maybe this is one of those things - if so, sorry!)

I know what you mean about winning the lottery! LOL! I have thought how that could resolve many issues in my life as well. It is true... money cant buy happiness, but it can solve quite a few problems, cant it?

By the way, was it a wealthy person that said it "cant" buy happiness???

Take care - hugs!

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."