I'm the one whose husband had been seeing $$$$$ prostitutes for two years (obviously, behind my back!)
I had a revelation last night after walking around the city in a sort of despair-induced trance. While I kicked him out partially, he still sees the kids and is in our house every day, and i have been driving myself to despair by trying to 'save' the marriage. I will never be able to control him, and i no longer want to try. I want to separate and act 'as if' we are on the road to a divorce. In this way, I feel the strength to deal with my own life, and be the mother i need to be to my little boys, and to look to the future of building my own career again. I told him this in a very loving way, and told him if he wanted to try to win back my trust he was welcome to, but the burden would no longer be on me. In this way I have also opened the door to the possibility of meeting other people myself. It is not a scare tactic, I truly feel like we will both be healthier living like this whether we get back together or not. I feel empowered, and I can't believe what a relief it is to relinquish control!
Also, I have been reading "OUT OF THE SHADOWS" by Patrick Carnes, about sexual addiction. Although this is clearly appropriate in my situation, where my H had been leading a double secret life involving loads of internet porn and prostitution, I am unsure how appropriate it is for those living with a long-term affair. Anyhow, it's helpful for me to approach this also as objectively as i can, as a research project too....
So thanks so much for all your help and I will be checking this site often - and hope i can share a lot of happy revelations!
My story is like yours in that my H was caught with hookers too. And for over 2 years! As strange as this will sound, it always makes me feel better when I meet someone who's trauma is the same to mine. A H who goes with hookers has another dimension to cheating that includes humiliation. It destroyed me self esteem more than i can say.
Our journey is now towards reconcilation and healing. It has NOT been any easy road. It takes a lot of strength to be able to move thru all of the hurt and look towards the end of the tunnel. If you read any of my other posts, you will see how the journey for me has been a roller coaster.
This weekend doing wonderful. Last weekend...not so good!
H understands the emotional instability I feel and he gives me room, patience, and a lot of love.
Thanks for the info. re: the book. I was looking for something to help me.
I know exactly where you are coming from when you talk of what a relief it is to stop trying to control the uncontrolable. With my W after I found out about the A I did EVERYTHING I could think of to get it stopped and save the marriage. It was maddening because she made no effort whatsoever, which doomed all of my attempts before I even tried. In situations like this, there comes a day where you decide that you will no longer take the responsibility to do your WS's part, they either do that themselves or they lose you and you move on with your life. It is a sad conclusion I suppose, one always hopes the marriage can be saved and many times it can be. However for those of us with a WS that clearly doesnt want to put forth the effort, this epiphany of taking all the burden off your shoulders is in my view a big step toward healing and rebuilding the life your WS nearly destroyed. Its possible he will come to his senses and work toward regaining your trust, however its comforting to start to realize that if he never does, you will move on and be ok.
You are still on the roller coaster and you will have good and bad days. I have found it very difficult to get used to living without my W, she was by my side for so long as a friend, girlfriend, and wife that suddenly never seeing her and having her completly out of my life has been difficult. I have a wonderful girlfriend now that treats me very well, however its still strange and there are days that it still really hurts. Even today I am feeling a little down, however I know it will pass. You have to think of the hard days as more than just difficult and sad, and think of every hard day you get through as being one step closer to happiness and a real feeling of closure. The bad news for all of us is that the healing takes a long time, there are no shortcuts. The good news is that during the healing process you will see slow, but constant improvement so long as you are striving to take care of yourself and move on. And eventually you will be totally out of this and back on track again. You may even start to see opportunities in your new life that you didnt see when you were married. For me I have really gotten into being a musician again on a more professional level than before, and through the band I met my current girlfriend. I really believe life has a way of taking care of you, and all bad situations can present opportunities for growth and happiness down the road, but you have to work toward it and stay strong to get there. So long as you do that, you cant go wrong.
Hi I read both of your posts and I feel for you. It sounds like you have a good plan. The most important thing right now is taking care of you and your children. I am fairly new here and havn't actually confronted my H yet as I am waiting for confirmation from a p.i. But I also have 2 young children and I know how much harder that makes things as you are trying to decide what to do. That's good that your H seems willing to work on things and is trying to minimize the upheaval your kids are experiencing by coming to see them every day. (((HUGS))) to you! I pray you will find peace and strength which ever way you decide is best to go. Keep posting here--this is such a great outlet for all those feelings. Take care.
((((Hugs to everyone))))
Reading and posting on this site is helping me a lot.. quick, supportive lifesaving feedback from others... I am slowly learning that we have to take care of ourselves, as you mention above, do stuff that keeps us healthy and sane...so that we have the strengh to think clearly, and do what is best for us, if our spouses continue to be in the fog...
It's called "letting go". When we let go we no longer feel the need to control someone else. We realize the only control we have is over ourselves. When we do this we start taking care of ourselves and we are better able to manage our own life, instead of trying to control someone elses. It is a good thing to take care of YOU
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I have been wanting to email you for sometime. To thank you for your email to me.
What the hell is with your husband? Well the hell is with mine? It is like they have all there priorities mixed up! Like everyting is about them!
How do you do it? Change the attitude? I mean, I am so much in love with someone who has treated me so so so badly for so long. Am I an idiot or what?!
I am going nuts tonight wondering if he is out with some women!
I was also so much in love with my husband that I felt helpless. I loved him more than I loved myself. I now realize how very foolish I was. You have to love yourself first, and take care of yourself. The more you take care of you the stronger you become and the more your attitude will change. You have to realize that you deserve better, you are worth more than this.
You have recognized something that is essential and the first step in my opinion, and that is YOU need to change, even though you did nothing wrong. Since we have no control to change others we can only change ourselves. It takes time to change...little steps at a time.
For me, I stopped making dinner for my WH at 1am when he strolled in. Every night I made dinner for the kids and then I made a special dinner for him when he came home after being out all night. Yes, he didnt like it that I stopped making him dinner, but if he wanted me to make him dinner then he would show me some respect and be home when he should be instead of out sleeping with OW. It's not that he didnt have anything to eat, there were leftovers. But I was no longer going to reward his ill treatement of me by having a personally hot cooked meal ready for him upon his arrival, whenever that may be. He knew when dinner was...he was a big boy...he could have been home. After that I continued to make other little changes when I was ready. Soon I stopped waiting up for him every night. If I was tired I went to bed. I wold normally wait up for him until 1am and the waited for him to eat and then we would go to bed around 2am, and I would have to be up by 7am to get the kids off to school. It was taking a toll on me physically and emotionally. So when I stopped, I felt some anxiety at first but soon it was a welcome relief. I was finally taking care of ME and I felt a lot better, and much more I control of MY life. I got stronger! I even got to the point where I hired a PI, confronted my WH with the evidence and kicked him out. What good was my love for this man and my marriage if he was out sleeping with someone one else? I realized by ME not changing I was only enabling his behavior. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. WH wants his cake and eat it too, so he is not going to change. Change is up to you! You have the power to change if you really want to.
BTW: after I kicked WH to the curb, he dropped OW like a hot potato. Right now we are doing OK....trying to work things out. Not sure if we will be able to but at least OW is out of the picture as far as I know, and maybe we have a chance now. Time will tell if he is sincere.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
