Hi there,

It is me again,,,,,,,,,,,,,LonelyMomWife.

For those who know my story, you will know I am not legally separated and it would be my wish for my marriage to work out (NOT MY HUSBANDS HOWEVER). It has been a strained marriage for 2.5 years at the very least. My life is stressful and exhausting (physically and mentally). This is brought on by both my husband and my special needs child.

Anyhow, I was just wondering, how do you woman/men cope with feeling lonely for the opposite sex? I don't dare get involved with any MALE at this time. However, female company is just not the same for loneliness. I really wish a man would say nice things to me and treat me special. It seems forever that I have had this type relationship.

This is normal is it not? How do you cope?

Signed:

LonelyMomWife.

Concentrate on you. On you making yourself and situation better. I have realized that only what I think and feel is truely important to my inner being. Doing things to better yourself and make yourself stronger is going to give you a better sense of self worth than any company from anyone else at this time.

I know it can be lonely, but try not to focus on feeling alone. When you do feel that, come here to vent just as you have.

I know it is a stretch to think now, but you wont always feel this way.

You are not alone - remember you have reached out here to people. I know it isnt the same as your H, boyfriend, or such, but focusing on you right now is the best way to cure the loneliness.

Hugs,

Coral



"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

Dear LonelyMomWife,

Everybody's path has its unique twists and turns, though we all share the common pain of betrayal. I will say for me, I was not and have not been lonely for male company. What I was truly lonely for (and still am lonely for) was/is the man I married. Where did HE go? Who is this other guy that could do these unimaginable things behind my back? The lonliness I feel revolves very squarely around missing that one particular man that I trusted with my heart.

As for wanting to feel special and loved and appreciated, it sounds like you're hoping to be recognized as still attractive as a woman. One thing its critical to remember in all of this is that whatever affair your H had, has nothing at all whatsoever to do with something lacking in you. You are beautiful, attractive, special and deserving. A's are completely based in shortcomings on the WS's side - - turmoil inside them and an inability to face reality. You both have a stressful situation with the child who has special needs. And I'm guessing there are other stresses of life that contributed to your H's infidelity.

As for validating that you remain a good and wonderful and attractive person, the healthiest thing I could recommend would be to echo the sentiment above: for YOU to focus on you. Maybe that means finding some time to get a massage or facial or pedicure. Maybe it means buying a new piece of clothing that looks really nice on you. All of us need to be mindful that our self-esteem is not truly based on what others say to us or do with us. It has to do with each of us finding our own beauty, and then that in turn will radiate out.

Lonliness sucks...big time. But looking to fix that through the eyes of someone else in the end will never fix that feeling of emptiness.

I feel badly saying all of this because it is a difficult message to hear, but it is the most honest thing I could tell you on this topic, and the message is sent with love and concern and understanding that this is an incredibly difficult time for you. ((((LonelyMomWife))) Be well. Be strong. Find what makes you shine and burn that candle brightly. Blue Iris

Hello - Here is a (rather long) but, in my view, beautiful quotation from a book I read about 3 months ago by a psychotherapist called John Welwood.  I hope it helps you with your pain:

"Through activating the flow of unconditional love within us, intimate relationships can be profoundly healing, as we learn to open our heart to parts of ourselves and others that have been wounded, cut off, or deprived of caring.  Yet the heavenly perfection of unconditional love, with we may know in our heart, rarely translates into perfect love or union with another on a worldly plane.  Human relationships are always a work in progress.  They are like clay we are continually reworking, so that it embodies and expresses perfect love that is our very essence.  Because two people live in space and time, with different experiences, temperaments, timing and rhythms, likes and dislikes, they can never actualize absolute unconditional union in any conclusive, uninterrupted way.

"In fact, the very openness two lovers feel with each other also stirs up all the obstacles to that openness within them: conditioned fears, unrealistic hopes and needs, unconscious identities and shadow elements, and unresolved issues from the past.  So while intimacy awakens a deep longing for perfect love, the conditions of our earthly natures conspire to frustrate its perfect expression and realization.  Although we may experience moments, glimpses, waves of total openness and union with another, we can never expect a human relationship to give us the total fulfilment we seek.

"The pain of this contradiction between the perfect love in our hearts and the imperfections we encounter on the path of relationship breaks the heart - wide open.  the pain of love, in Sufi master Hazrat Ihayat Khan's words, is "the dynamite that breaks open the heart, even if it can be as hard as a rock."  It reveals the essential rawness of being human, of reaching for heavenly perfection while forever having to grapple with earthly limitations.  Ye the heart itself cannot break, or break open, in that its essential nature is already soft and receptive.  What can actually break is the wall around the heart, the defensive shield we have constructed to try to protect our soft spot, where we feel most deeply affected by life and other people.

"Though encountering the obstacles to love may bring sorrow and anger, the only way to move through these disappointments without doing harm to ourselves or others is to let he heart open up further in those moments we would most like to shut it down.  Just as rocks in a stream accentuate the force of the water rushing against them, so the obstacles to perfect love can help us feel the full force of our love more strongly.

“How can we keep the heart open in those moments when the pain of loving makes us want to withdraw and shut down?  It is important not to deny the pain or try to be artificially loving.  That only pushes the hurt and anger deeper inside.  Instead, we have to start where we are – which involves being with our hurt or anger and letting that be, without having to fix it.  In opening to the pain of loving we bleed, yet this bleeding itself, when met with warmth and caring, helps awaken the heart, allowing the larger force of love to keep flowing.

“So in encountering the obstacles to love, we discover what is most alive in us – the rawness and tenderness of the broken-open heart.  The painful fact is that no one lese can ever give us all the love we need in just the way we want.  But when we can hold our own pain and rawness with compassionate awareness, then the unconditional love we most long for becomes available.

“Letting the heart break open awakens us to the mystery of love – that we can’t help loving others, in spite of what we may dislike about them, for no other reason than that they move and touch us in ways we can never fully comprehend.  What we love is not just their pure heart but also their heart’s struggle with all the obstacles in the way of its full, radiant expression.  It’s as though our heart wants to ally itself with their heart and lend them strength in their struggle to realize the magnificence of their being, beyond all their perceived shortcomings.

“Indeed, if those we love perfectly matched our ideal, they might not touch us so deeply. Their imperfections give our love a purchase, a foothold, something to work with.  Thus, the obstacles in a relationship are what force our heart to stretch and expand to embrace all of what we are.  In this way, unconditional love can ripen further, beyond its spontaneous arising in the first flash of falling in love.  It becomes an ongoing practice of courage and humility, of learning to be fully human.

“Breaking open the heart is the transmuting force in the alchemy of love that allows us to see the unconditional goodness of people in and through all the limitations of their conditioned self.  It helps us to recover the beauty in the beast and realize how the unconditioned and conditioned sides of human nature are always intertwined, making up one whole cloth.  The overflow of the broken-open heart starts with kindness towards ourselves, then radiates out as compassion toward all other beings who hide their tenderness out of fear of being hurt, and who need our unconditional love to help awaken their heart as well.”

 

May you be safe and well, contented and happy