I feel like I am going crazy and none of my friends/family who have gone through what I am , don't get it. They don't get my pain, my anger, my worry,,,.
God, I feel like there are times when I am going to go out of my mind. Tonight he is out AGAIN. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. He doesn't want to give up his home, have his kids on the weekends,,, BUT he wants to come and go as he pleases (only sometimes telling of where he is going). Even still are these times he shares this info true?
I am going out of my mind that I have no control and that he is holding all the cards. That he sees what this is doing to me and yet keeps on doing this.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN IN THIS PREDICAMENT, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE LOVED A PERSON WHO TREATED YOU THIS WAY. WELL...........HAVE YOU ANY WISE WORDS? IS THERE SOME MIRACLE WAY TO NOT LET IT GET TO YOU? I ask this, as he won't leave our home and I am in no position to make any other changes.
Please, don't just tell me to get out. Please please just tell me how you coped best.
Thank you. Thank you for not being too hard on me. Thank you for listening when others won't or don't understand.
Knowing my H was out with someone else had me going mad...but had no proof.
I decided that I would leave H at Christmas when it is family time...he would be alone...our children would be with me...confronted H before this happened and he made a big turn a round.
I think you have to decide that you are alone and staying for your children...Your H only occupies the space.. he has decided to pursue his own life and you are not part of it...basically share the house space.. NOW emotionally divorce your H, make a life for your self that makes you happy...this is about making yourself stronger, more independent, not dependent on your H for your happiness.
I know that some former members stayed with their H but co-inhabited the home...but each had their own life. own room...married only for the children...sad and lonely but it was what was best for them.
Your friends have not experienced infidelity and usually are not understanding of what you are experiencing...one reason that many of us do not talk about infidelity with our family and friends...we come here instead.
No one will be hard on you because you are staying,,,you are doing what is best for you right now.
Take care,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Boy do I know how you feel. I bet everything is your fault also. Just remember you are a wonderful person and this H of yours/mine have the short commings. All we can do is become better people by not letting their mean hurtful words hit us in the heart anymore. We fight back and say things we never would say or even do. We also thought we would be Loved till Death do us Part. We thought that we were his one and only true love. We were betrayed and that betrayal will continue as long as we allow it and as long as they want to continue hurting. I go back and fourth i still dream that I will have this man dill death us do part. Then I know that it is over and I am strong and his words and actions dont hurt as much. I hold him accountable for all the mean things he says to me trying to get me mad so he can blame me. The mind games are just unreal. I also know about the do I stay or do I go now? For now Im staying but that is not a promise. As you and many others when promises are made we stick to them. A Vow is a Vow. I was once asked that I also made that Vow and why do I sometimes think I should leave him? He broke the Vow between us and GOD. I did not. The Vow is already Broken!! Dont judge only me. I already feel to blame when I am not.
Any how I once say a saying after loosing my first true Love - "My Son" God does not close the door with out opening another but it is sure hell in the hall ways. I am so sick of the hallways!!!
Take care and we all Love you even if you dont feel much Love lately. Just remember you are not alone even wehn you feel like it. I am sure each and every one of us here have felt alone at one time and more then that once. Smile just because it feel good, Cry just because it feels good & Get mad just because it feels good. Being abusive in return of being abused does not feel good. Dont beat yourself up for doing it but learn from it. We are all learning from every event that life throws at us all the positive and the negative. LEARN! AND LOVE!
Just over a year ago I finally confirmed that my husband was cheating on me. Not only with one woman, but over a period of a year and a half with at least four women (those that I have confirmed). When it first started (or when I can assume it started), I was four months pregnant with baby number 3. Like you, I felt I had no control over the situation because I couldn't "catch" him "red-handed", and since he was a pilot, he had complete advantage in the situation because he was out of town with his pick of flight attendants, hotel clerks, bartenders, etc..., with a paid hotel room and there was no one he had to worry about bumping into that would tell me. There is so much about my story, but I want to get right to the point. I'm happy to share details with you at a later time.
Anyway, my first error was feeling that I did not have control. Until I finally "caught" him, which was in a huge lie that he couldn't get out of with any amount of manipulation, I stayed one step behind his deceit. That was in my control. There was always deeper digging I could do, could have checked phone records, but I was too afraid to make calls asking "Are you sleeping with my husband". I felt I was intruding, or that I would embarras him or the other person. I could have hopped on planes and suprised him, I'd have caught him eventually or at the least word would have gotten around that he was married and his wife was pregnant. (he was telling everyone that we were separated.) I think deep down I didn't want to confirm it because I knew my world would be turned apart. I spent that year and a half in a blurr, miserable, can't even remember my son's first year of life I was so depressed.
In addition, my husband is a master manipulator, and it took me until after everthing came out to realize how strongly that manipulation ran me and still runs me. Like you I felt I had no means to make a change, that there was nothing I could do to "wake him up". Again, that was my fear directing me and I regret it to this day. If I had been stronger and took control sooner, I would most definately have found out before he actually commited any sexual acts and I could have recovered.
What I'm saying to you is, that feeling you have in your gutt everytime he walks out the door, the one that makes you dizzy to the point of convulsions, the feeling that you can't scream or cry enough, the feeling that you want to run until you can't breathe. That feeling is there for a reason, and you want to do something about it - NOW. Look my husband didn't use protection with any of his "others", I am very lucky not to have contracted anything, especially with the reputation of some of these flight attendants. Two of them were "seeing" other people while they were sleeping with my husband, they referred to their relationships with him as "fun" and "casual". At the least you need to be cautious of your health and well being.
Sounds like you have the ability to put your finger on exactly what is going on. If you can't check cell phone records, hop in your car and start following him. Check receipts if the charges are to the same places over and over again, make an appearance or two to see what he is up to. If he's "going out", but yet there are no charges anywhere, well then, where is he going out to.
DON'T BE A VICTIM ANY LONGER. I'm not going to tell you to hit the road because I know that is something you can tell someone until they are blue in the face, but don't be a sitting duck anymore, you will hate yourself in the end if you don't take some kind of control now.
Hope this helps some, like I said my story is very long and still building, so I tried to keep it as short as possible. One other thing I can tell you is that without your husband having to actually face what he's done (and he can't do that until you show him you know), and face the possibility of losing his family, he will not change. He needs to be brought to his knees, and that may mean you have to move to mom's or a hotel for a while to show him you are not willing to live this way any longer. You can always find a way to get out temporarily, whether with help from family or friends or from his credit card. Don't let fear run you anymore!
I want to echo what some have said, repeat a little of what I said before and let you know some about my situation.
First off, focus on caring for yourself is important. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating well? Do you get enough exercise? Do you dring enough water? These are basis things but they make such a difference when we are dealing difficult things.
Also you need time for yourself. You need an activity outside your home, even if you can just take an evening to sit in a book store and browse or in a coffee shop for a slow relaxing coffee break. You need something.
Second, the only way to live in your current situation is to accept that this is how your life will be. You can't make him see your pain and change based on that. You need to focus on yourself and your kids and not obsess over where he is and what he is doing. That would be true whether you stayed or not, but especially if you are determined to stay no matter what he does, you need to find a way in yourself to let him go emotionally.
Lastly, my situation. My H and I have 8 kids. Four are born to us, four are his neices and nephew that we are adopting. I love these kids as my own. It would brake my heart to lose any one of them.
This is my H's second A. I told him the first time I would leave if there was a second. I stayed because I knew that I would never be able to adopt my kids without him.
He ended the A and is always home now unless he is working so A is not my concern now, but he has never really discussed the A with me. He refuses to address the core reason for it. He is seperated from the family. He doesn't help with parenting. He plays video games 50-70 hours a week, yes more than he works.
I am not happy in my marriage. I believe that we are just into our next cycle of marriage that will end up in the same place, but I won't leave until I know my kids are mine forever.
So I can sympathize with your situation. I know living as a single parent with 8 kids will be difficult, but I don't believe it will be impossible. So I am making plans in case that becomes necessary.
As I've decribed it before, there is Plan A and Plan B. Plan A, we stay together. He becomes more of a dad and husband and we live happily ever after. Plan B, I save money, work on my career, and move on with my life. Maybe with divorce maybe not. Either way my life is not determined by what he does. I chose it. I'm not stuck. I'm just waiting for plans to mature.
I do sympathize with you. I have have some kids with mild special needs and a degree in Special Ed. so I've had some experience in the area. Just remember life will not always be like this. Your son will mature. Even with his special needs there will be changes as he grows. It may not be at the same rate or in the same way as other kids, but it will happen.
My thoughts are with you. Remember to care for yourself as well as your kids.
Thank you for this reply and ALL THE OHTERS WHO WROTE.
I sound like a broken lost record. I am so sorry that I am this way. I must be driving you nuts. Again, I feel like I am drowning.
I haven't any way of catching him. I can't chase him around. I am always doing something with my children. His boss pays his cell phone, so that I can't check either. It is just a hunch I feel he is cheating again. Even if I catch him, then what? I love him, I want this marriage. HE DOESN'T!
I have no family to run to. None have said they can accomodate for space. Friends are all too busy with their careers, their kids, their lives. I FEEL SO ALONE IN THIS!
I have little education so really can't financailly support us. I wouldn't dream of moving my kids into a hotel. I am too afraid it would mess my special needs son up more. That it might cause more emotional, educational problems with his learning. Husbands friends/family support that he should be able to come and go as long as he pleaaes as long as he is taking care of the bills. They believe he should be able to have anohter woman, if he doesn't love his wife, AGAIN, as long as his kids are taken care of.
He wouldn't care if we left. Actually, he would likely be happy. He has said time and time again, "parenting is not his thing he has discovered; that he is not a family man."
Help, I am trapped in love, pained in my heart and even if I wanted to, feel like I am in a no win situation. I am diong my best to give my kids security, safety and all of my love.
Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to care? I am going around in circles with no answers/solutions.
I asked him to leave, now he won't. He doesn't want to give up the "and eat it too part!".
He is killing me. If he can't love me and my kids, I just want him to leave.
GOD, PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME. HELP ME AND MY CHILDREN.
The very best advice that anyone ever gave me was to take care of ME! Forget about him and trying to conrol him...live your life! Be good to yourself. Yes, all of this hurts beyond belief and you did nothing to cause this, which is why you need to take care of yourself. Obviously your WH isnt going to.
It is normal to feel alone. It is normal to act out of character. It is normal to feel like your life is out of control. It is normal to feel immense pain. All of these feelings and more, are normal, and you are not crazy. We have all been where you are. Focusing on yourself really does help. It helps you feel more in control of your own life and it makes the situation a bit more manageable. It helps to make YOU stronger.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Current Topic - Driven to due/say out of character things
