I can't stop focusing on the future. I have young children and I will not compromise their security. But I keep thinking..one day I will leave my husband. I dream about my children being stable adults...well set in their lives. And this is when I will just silently move on and leave the marriage.
His actions have caused so much pain and I feel like any person with any sense of pride and dignity would certainly leave. But one problem...I love him and I see him trying to change. Its so confusing. I keep telling myself that it is o.k. to stay and work on the marriage but then the other side of me says you deserve a honest and faithful man...not a cheating heartless man. He betrayed me in the most horrific way and remaining with him is all one big lie. But he is trying. I have so much confusion: what my heart tells me versus what common sense tells me.
My pastor told me to look at his actions. Well, he has done alot of work on himself lately. But, I will never trust him fully. I will never erase the images of him with the other women.
He tells me I am beautiful but he lacks passion for me. I know he has changed. There was so much anger between us for the past 7 years. But now those stresses are gone. So why doesn't he act like he used to? After discovering the affair, I desparately needed him to want me again. Maybe the passion will never return in our marriage. I feel like the effort to reconnect in this manner is one-sided on my part and that his efforts are forced. I just don't want to settle for a husband that is obligated out of quilt to stay with me!!!!
One thing that infuriates me is when he says, "I chose you...not her...doesn't that tell you how much I love you." I hate it when he says that. I deserve more. He says he never wanted her. That he never intended to stay with her. He made a mistake and he just couldn't find a way to stop things. His thinking was so messed up.
So, if anyone has any words of wisdom I would appreaciate it. The pain he has caused me will be constant in my heart. He feels like I am "making it last forever and that if I just move forward that all will be fine".
I can so relate to what you said here: "One thing that infuriates me is when he says, "I chose you...not her...doesn't that tell you how much I love you." I hate it when he says that. I deserve more. He says he never wanted her. That he never intended to stay with her. He made a mistake and he just couldn't find a way to stop things. His thinking was so messed up."
I read that and my gut sank. I have heard this also from my H in his words and actions. He is with me and that should say lots, but does it really? Sometimes I actully feel like I got the consolation prize in this whole battle, him. Does that make me feel wanted? Loved? Desired? Or just damn unlucky?
Dont get me wrong - I do love him and am happy that he seems to have got his act together, but can the feelings of being second best for so long ever actually go away?
I am sorry I cant offer much words of wisdom here, but I cant certainly say that I relate to what you are saying.
Hugs,
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
I know exactly what you mean about nagging doubts and feeling like a consolation prize. At first I wanted him back desperately but now that I have him, I am not so sure that we can ever attain a M equal to the one we used to have. Believe it or not, in some ways my H feels that I should be "grateful" for the sacrifices he made to preserve our family.
It is all so tough.
Katy
Yes I also get the "I chose you and never really wanted to go off with him" from my wife. So it is not just a man thing. And it also leaves me with the same feeling as you two. I just wanted to agree with you and show common ground.
Also, it is incredible to me that the logic can be used like that. To me it shows just how far the degradation and depravation has gone with our partners. How can this be logical at all when such a crime is being committed. It is almost as if Adolf Hitler was excusing himself by saying that he killed one less person in the death camps..
But our challenge is to see this too and try to move to a place where we can grasp this depraved and extraordinarily lost place where our partners get to. To me it seems as if she is completely cut off from what I had assumed life was all about. It is, after all, just like the devil talking isn't it. How do you deal with the devil in people like that. Well.. I watched a few programmes on tv over Easter and, of course you read about Judas and you realise that he was like our WSs. And what did Jesus do - He forgave him of course. We have to find it somewhere in our hearts to be like him and act like him.
The problem I am left with however is that I can forgive but I am still not sure I want to be married to someone who has been a home to the devil for so long and this scares me. Is it better to stay and try to heal the WS or not. I am not sure that by staying I would be doing more than acting as a kind of reminder to her and her to me of the possession that we have experienced in our lives.
Oh well... that reads pretty blackly in the end doesn't it. I hope it helps somehow.
Having my husband back...who would ever think my marriage was some kind of game where one thing (family and wife) turned out to be better than another thing (other women).
We talked after I posted and he said he never thought about her versus me. He always knew he would be with me. It just happened and he will regret the mistake he made for the rest of his life.
We just have to keep faith and pray that their minds and actions have left that evil space and their hearts return to truth and goodness. I agree. The devil is at work with those who fall prey to infidelity. I also believe that our cheating spouses can only reconnect with God's help.
What really is hard is the forgiveness part. I will pray for this until the day I die.
My MC was the one who told me that my H had a choice...the OW or me...H chose me...to keep that thought in mind, because my H could have left me for the OW...
I agree that we deserve more...the A was a selfish act that created the storm that we are experiencing...all I can say is that it does get better the pain lessens as time passes. The A wasn't about you, you are not responsible for any part of the A...it was his choice...there can be problems in a relationship but the A is outside that issue.
Lacking passion is again his issue...he can return to the days where he was passionate about you...think back to that time...and bring those memories forward...spend time together, date again...rebuild your relationship... hopefully the passion should return.
Have you considered MC or IC? at all that may help you regroup and rebuild.
take care,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Wow--you took the words out of my mouth. I feel the exact same way and have echoed that to my H. He, has also said those exact words of "I'm with you...I was never going to leave you. If I wanted her, than I would of been with her."
Even though I hate that someone else is feeling the same way I do, it is of some comfort knowing that my feelings are normal.
I also heard those same words. "I chose you, not her, I never intended on leaving you" mine also added "it happened and then I couldn't stop, it was like a drug". It is sickening. When I first heard those words 18 months ago all I could think was "shut up, your an idiot" and "you couldn't come up with anything better than that!"
Now with time and all I have learned in IC and MC and through reading and this website I realize that those words, in a nutshell. are true. They still drive me crazy becaue they sound cheap, but once there is more to back them up, they were valid.
I don't know you story, it sounds like d-day was somewhat recent. It does take time and a lot of work, but it sounds like your H has begun to do some of the work he needs to do to make you trust in him and you marriage again.
My H tells me that he never wanted to have the affair with the OW, but that he felt desperate...
He also tells me that he loves me, chose me over her, that he ended the affair...Just because he chose me, I am not sure that I want to be with him for the rest of our lives...I'm in I.C to help me figure that one out....I think he is still deep in denial about some attitudes and issues that he needs to work on.... I feel like I am being cruel to him by staying so confused for the last 7 months... I am afraid to let go and trust him again because I will get hurt at some point...I told him that I need the space and time(for him to be patient) to refigure what I want out of life from now on... that I needed for him to focus on working on himself
Once someone cheats I dont believe two people can go back to the way things were prior to the A. How can it? An A changes who you both are and how you see each other forever. However, if both parties work at it I do believe things can be better than before. But it takes change, commitment, and hard work to achieve....and most of all it takes time to rebuild, especially the trust. It is a slow and painful process but worth it in the end I believe.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Just when we feel our story is unique...we find a thread that binds us all together.
I also heard the YOU'RE THE ONE I CHOSE line. The first time I heard it, I wanted to puke! LOL! PUKE!! Hey, BUD! Guess what?! Here's a NEWS FLASH: YOU CHOSE ME 35 YEARS AGO!! I don't recall the vows saying "Till Affair do we part..."
And the consolation prize thing...oh yeah! I refused to let him get his rocks off thinking he was WANTED by two women and it was ONLY UP TO HIM TO CHOOSE! That would be the height of vanity, selfishness, and adoration! Guess what Buster?! It doesn't work that way. We're not in the vinyards where you get to try a glass of each wine before choosing the case of Pinot Grigio you're going to buy!
Just my rambling thoughts...
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
When my H decided to stay and work on the relationship...he choose to stay...BUT it was my decision to let him stay..he may have chosen me but I had the power to let him stay...hope that makes sense.
I think that we all make the decision to stay because of the history...love ...we have the power...not the WS...they have to earn the right to stay, rebuild the trust, work on the reasons why they made the decision to have an A...the flattery, adoration of having 2 women want them I think goes down the drain after D-day.
just my 2 cents,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I am glad that we can all unify in our anger towards the mindset of our selfish cheating spouses. I agree, we should feel like reunification is our choice not the decison of the ones that have hurt us so badly. They have no right to say anything about what we should do.
Sadly, infidelity rocks your self-confidence and shreds your self-worth. Sometimes I wish I had the stength and power of someone like Christie Brinkley. She left her cheating spouse and never looked back. Oh how I pray for self-confidence like hers.
Thanks for validating my feelings. You guys are in my heart and in my prayers.
Do you think Christie Brinkley is STRONGER than Hillary Clinton - who chose to remain in her marriage and work on the issues?
Not in my book. I would NEVER pray I had the strength to leave...I realize that choice is sometimes NOT an option for BSs, but in my book STAYING takes a LOT MORE INNER strength than leaving - or having an A in the first place. Those are much easier paths - and possibly a cop out.
I believe it to be the same with any problem. We all have choices to confront the issues or turn our backs. I'll give the KUDOS award to the one who meets the issues head-on every time.
Had I chosen NOT to accept my H back, I know I would have had the entire support of my family, staff, and community. In fact, I have been shunned by many who don't understand my decision to reconcile - and have many detractors who don't see my decision as emanating from a steely constitution. Generally, I have found those people to be ones who have never experienced infidelity.
Ironically, according to my H, the OW would often say, "We will never be together permanently, because JJ will never give up on you. She's a fighter for what she believes is right for her."
Well, she was my friend once, and I guess she admired strengths in me that she did not possess in herself. She has never been courageous in dealing with people - and finds continual lying an avenue better than assertive confrontation and honesty.
Each to his/her own, but I KNOW had I NOT had the strength and resolve to work on issues, nor my H found the strength to finally be honest to himself, we'd not be together. I'd be fine, but not truly where I wanted to be.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
Your first post made me laugh. You are wonderful with descriptive words, lol. I loved the wine tasting analogy, lol. Thanks, you made my day
Your second post, well, dead on if you ask me! I think whether you choose to stay or go, you still have made the most difficult choice you will ever make regarding your marriage after infidelity. I think both are equally admirable depending upon each unique situation. No matter what, the most important thing to remember either way is to do what is right for YOU!!!! I believe that both Cristie Brinkley and Hillary Clinton did what was right for each of them.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I just want to say that for some leaving takes just as much emotional strength as staying does for others. Consider the abused wives who take years to build up enough emotional fortitude to leave.
Sometimes infidelity can lead to an inspection of the M and the realization that it is not built on a strong foundation. The longer you've been married the harder it gets to find the strength to leave... especially when H says he wants to stay. It seems dangerously easy to fall back into the old patterns and the old life if you just let it happen.
You wrestle with yourself over the fear of staying and the fear of leaving the M. Being Alone versus Being Unhappily Married... there is no easy answer.
In my case, it's a fear of the unknown and the fear of the known. How do you reconcile that?
You say, "it's a fear of the unknown and the fear of the known." The proverbial stuck between the rock and the hard place; damned if you do and damned if you don't. All not good places to be.
How can opposing forces be reconciled? I would say only through compromise.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I am not a proponent of ending my marriage because of what has happened to me. I never dreamed of walking away and believe me I would never take the easy way out. I am working towards the rebuilding of my marriage. I would never run away from my problems. But I have to be honest, I am not brimming with self-confidence these days. And somehow, my anger and rage and pride tell me that no one who hurts me this badly deserves my love and attention. It is the love I have for my husband and my children that keep me going. So, I guess when I said that I pray for the strength that Christie Brinkely has...... I meant I wish I could see clarity in my future like she did. Just didn't want anyone to think that I wanted to take the "easy way out".
Even though your self-esteem has suffered a big blow, when you say you dont feel someone who hurt you like that deserves your love and attention that shows me that you are a fighter! Why? Because that is survival mode kicking in! That is your self-worth screaming that you are indeed worth it! I have no doubt that whether you choose to stay or go, you are not taking the easy way out, you are doing what is right for YOU!!! And that's exactly what you should be doing in my opinion. You go girl
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
