Hi everyone,

It is the middle of the night and I should be sleeping. I CAN'T SLEEP. I am siting here at the computer with tears rolling down my face. If only I could shut off the tears and PAIN like a faucet.

I feel like I am the only one here who wants her husband to stay with her and that I am the only idiot still not wanted. Many of your husbands who have cheated, say they are sorry and want to stay with you and work things out (the marriage). Many of your husbands are saying/doing anything to try and make things up to you/make things right. It seems it is only mine who wants to leave me/his children to live elsewhere happily ever after.

Why am I such an idiot? I mean, he has spelled it out as clear as day. I don't understand his priorities to himself, rather than to his children (especially is special needs child). BUT why can't I just be accepting of how he feels and move forward?
AM I STILL HOLDING ONTO HOPE CAUSE HE IS STILL LIVING HERE (OUT OF CONVIENCE?).

Why am I still holding on to all the dreams I created for myself and my kids? The trips to disney world? The all of us bike riding? The all of us at the boys graduations from college/university? Dancing together at the boys weddings?

WHY DO I HAVE TO LOVE A MAN SO DEEPLY, WHO DOESN'T LOVE ME BACK? WHO SHOWS ME NO RESPECT?

I must be a damn ifiot!

I HATE HATE HATE THIS PAIN!

LonelyMomWife

Dear Lonely


I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. You are not an idiot for wanting your marriage to work out. Your H is being the idiot. he is not only turning his back on you but on his children. You are sane and caring person in this equation because you want to keep your family together.

I've read some of your other posts, and I think you stated that his family thinks he should just be able to do as he pleases just because he brings home the paycheck? Was this the pattern in his family growing up?

Are you in any kind of counseling? You need to get yourself in counseling. If you don't have insurance, can't afford it, or don't want H to notice money missing (if you don't want him to know about it) check into free or low cost clinics. I live near a university and they have community resource programs. Check around.

Please don't feel you are alone, each situation is unique. Although my H said he wanted to be with me, stay with me etc, he was still trying to keep a "friendship" going with OW for a few weeks, while he was home telling me we could renew our vows!

You H may take time to realize what he is throwing away. If you must live under the same roof as him, don't make it easy on him. Do for you and your kids. If he doesn't want to play husband anymore, don't play wife. But if you are in an way afraid he might physically hurt you or the kids seek help immediately.

I feel for you. The tremendous pain at the beggining of the rollercoaster ride is so intense, but that will ease with time. Do for you and your kids right now, don't focus on the marriage.

((((HUGS)))))
Lisa

good advice Lisa - you said it for me too

No-one is really alone but when we feel it it is very painful for us - I have been there and there were occasions when even the people here were not able to do it for me - On one occasion I sat for a couple of hours and watched the time flow and felt something inside me actually die.. Can you imagine this .. I felt totally alone.. But I could not kill myself - I had been through all that process and realised that it solved no problems - All I could do was sit and wait.  So.. Yes.. something died inside me.  And only recently about 4 months later have I finally resolved that hard dead thing inside me and felt it dissolve and leave me lighter and free of it. 

Just know when you are really down and don't believe there is anyone.. Well.. You have you (as my daughter said to me soon after D-day).. And You will survive and you will live and you will be able to find happiness.  Sometimes only an act of faith can get you there.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

Lonely,

You are not alone. I had months where I felt I was living in mental cruelty from my H. Where he would say one thing and do the complete opposite.

I had many nights where he went out for a drive and never came home – to find myself just like you sitting at the computer in tears. Nothing I could do or say would get through to him and he seemed to careless about how awful he was making me feel. He cared more about himself than anything. Of course he would have never admitted it, but he did what he wanted, acted as he wanted and played the field just like a single person. It wasn’t a marriage and this certainly wasn’t the person I had so wanted to spend the rest of my life with. All in all, I felt SO incredibly alone. I remember one night when he didn’t come home and around, 1 am I snuck out of the house leaving my son alone in bed (He was 17 at the time.). I quietly went out the front door and snuck around to garage, rather than go through the house and wake my oblivious son up. I sat in the garage in my car crying and trying to input the OW’s address into my navigation system. I drove the 20 some miles to her place that I had never been before. When I arrived I could see her car neatly in the driveway, but no sign of my H’s car. Was it in her garage? Was he at one of the other 4 OW’s houses? However, I really didn’t know what I would have done if his car had been there in plain sight. After about 5 times circling her block and the surrounding side streets, I drove off. Tears streaming down my face, I didn’t know exactly where I even was and it was 2:30 am. I don’t think I could have felt more alone than at that moment. I tried one last time to call my H’s cell phone and as usual, no answer. ALONE, ALONE, ALONE!

Oh, to look back at that rattles my stomach. Today is much different and thank my lucky stars that it is, but I will never forget how alone I felt. How much like an idiot I felt that I had left the sanctity of my warm bed to tromp across town in the middle of the night after this a**. I still loved him, but how?

I hope you see that everyone has their moments of feeling utterly alone and like an idiot. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We have all been there in our own situations. Some much different than yours, but we have all been there. It is a sad and uncontrollable time. Sometimes I really feel like these events that happened with my H, and there were many, are harder to forgive than the sex he had with them. The complete torment he put me through is still more devastating to me than his sexual escapades and I fear “that” pain will last for a very long time.

Just know, you aren’t alone. There are many people out there that have been right where you are. I know your circumstances are different that mine, but regardless, you are not alone and not an idiot - you are just like I was, hoping.

Even to this day, I have my moments that I feel alone. Like no one understands – then I come here to HH and see there are so many people just like me.


Hugs Lonely,

Coral


"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

May I email you? I have a special needs child and was married for over 7 years to an unremorseful H. I would like to talk to you for a bit. There are some things I don't like to type on the internet. Hope you are feeling better today.

I sooo understand I'm feeling the same way myself I wish i could tell you it will get better but i have choosen to stay with a man that will never change and will never love me for who i am.
Sending you lots of hugs and if you need to chat email me anytime..

Wendy,

Please please email me. AND THANK YOU.

Does this system show you my email address?

LonelyMomWife

ps I will try and email the others who have responded if I get a chance later this evening. I AM SO TIRED.

EVERYONE, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS!!

Hi LonelyMomWife,

My heart goes out to you. My W told me she wanted to leave me and said she was 'dissolving' our M. One month later I found out she was seeing an OW. She didn't end her A when I found out, she carried on in spite of my pain. She would go away to spend weekends with her 'love' leaving our D and I at home. Then after 3 months of hell, failed MC and the constant pain of having her A rubbed in my face, she left us. She wanted a divorce, and didn't see any way she could ever be with me again. She wanted to 'make her own life' which included maintaining her A. I lost count of the number of nights I spent sitting in tears in our lounge after I had put our D to bed, of all the days I cried the whole hour's drive to work and again back in the evening. And all through this I felt like an idiot because I loved her and wanted her to come back more than anything.

I know your pain and confusion intimately.

But you are NOT an idiot!

Nine months after she moved out, my W asked me if we could start going to MC again, said she had made a terrible mistake and apologised unreservedly. Within a month of that she had plucked up the courage to ask if she could come back. Her OW was consigned to the scrapheap, she closed her private online Livejournal (where that had posted to one another), and her private passworded email accounts. She has never contacted the OW again. That was 6 months ago. This evening our MC told us we seem to be doing very well. I feel so glad to have her back. We have just taken our D on a camping holiday over Easter, and we are getting along better than we have in years.

I went through hell. I felt completely stupid. But in the end, when I had all but given up hope, she came back. You are not stupid. Staying true to yourself and your love and vows is NOT stupid!!! Maybe your H will wake up, like my W. Maybe he won't. But your love is not invalidated or trivialised because your H CHOOSES to stray. Just as you cannot control him, or be responsible for his choices, so your own love is not controlled or made less by his immorality.

Take strength from the kind and wise hearts here. And stay true to yourself, and what you know is good and right!

{{{{{LonelyMomWife}}}}}


Dave

You are not alone....

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

((((LonelyMomWife)))))
I feel your pain and agony and the ability to cry incessantly. I know it feels like a hole in your heart - such a deep emptiness that seems it could never be filled. I know you will get better, but those words probably don't help much right now. So sorry

Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ

big hugs

you are not alone...not at all



Denise

"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"

I found out about my husband's affair last July and I have gone through what you are experiencing now. You are not the only fool because I am doing the same thing. I firmly believe that my husband will come back to our marriage. I am in the military and 600 miles away from my husband so you at least have one advantage there. My husband is still seeing the OW. I had surgery a couple of weeks ago and he came to stay with me for a week. During that week he found time to stop at Victoria's Secret and buy the OW some underwear. I found the bag when I snuck out the night before he left to leave an Easter Basket in his car. I didn't even get a Get Well Card. While I was in the hospital, I asked him if he wanted to save our marriage or not. He said he wasn't sure, so I suggested we separate for 1 year so we could both get ourselves in more stable circumstances. This was his out and instead of taking it, he said he wants to think about it. I am better today than I was two months ago. I know where you are and you still have a long way to go if you are determined to fight. I did find some things along the way that helped me here and there. I posted my email; if you want me to send you what I found let me know. My husband was verbally abusive, cold, and sometimes just downright hateful. He made me feel so insignificant, he still makes me feel that way. I am his wife yet I am the one sitting in the back of the bus. You are basically going through mourning. You are mourning the death of your marriage. I often said that I could handle it much better if he had died instead of leaving our marriage. The one thing I have realized is that our old relationship is gone and we have to start a new one but I can't do it alone. As long as he doesn't tell me he wants a divorce, I am going to keep trying. My daughter gave me a book last Christmas and I just read it a few days ago. It's called "THE SECRET". It hasn't changed my life but it did make me think about what I was doing. Another thing - I had my daughter open a savings account in her name and I have started to transfer money into that account. If I have to go out on my own, I'm going to need it. You are 42, I am 53. I planned to grow old with this man and as long as he's not sure of what he wants, we have a chance. I hope I hear from you, you are the first person I found who is experiencing the same heartache as I am.

Bobbie

HI LMW,
If you are a fool then so am I. I found out about my husband's cheating back in November. he is a truck driver. He went out of town as usual, to Ohio. What he didn't tell me was he stopped off in West Virginia to have sex with a woman he met on the Internet. It blew me away. I had already been dealing with his obsession with the internet and chatting with females. More than once I had to write these women and tell them to back off. It was not very effective. When I told my husband I knew about the affair and that I found out through the woman's sister in law(who happened to leave a message on my husband's AIM page), he was more angry at her than anything. He resents this woman for "butting in" and stirring things up. I don't think he fully sees that his actions caused all the trouble. He has proclaimed to love me and wanted to work things out. But he went to Best Buy and bought a laptop so he could talk to these women while he is on the road. he said he did it to spite me. That hurt me very much. Despite claiming to love me and wanting to work it out, he continues to try and pick up women online to chat with. Every time he goes out of town I never know who is going to pop up. This week it was a woman named Toni who lives in Ohio. The other week it was his ex girlfriend in Massachusetts. There seems to be no end, only more lies. He doesn't know that I know many things. He lies a lot and he know that I already know the truth. But I gave up trying to get him to admit to anything. It almost seems like he has started to believe the lies himself.
Despite all the mess he has caused, I still love him. I still want him in my life and I still want everything to work out. He said he wants to try marriage counseling and I am willing to give him that chance. There are times when it becomes so much that I am ready to just give up. But deep down I just can't right now. So no, you are by no means a fool.
If you ever need to vent, feel free to drop me a line.