hello everybody first i want to say i have been in and out of this group i still read the post. but just haven't been posting and for that i'm very sorry.I"m here today because i feel like a fool Here i thought my marriage was gettin on track been almost a yr from d day. and today I found something.. yes i went snooping H has a work email account and i broke into it. I Know it wrong but i have that gut feeling. I found an email from a women who he works with. telling him she misses him so much and that she is upset that they never got to take the chance,and thinking about it makes her moist.
I"m sicken with anger and pain right now. here along I was working on gettin stronger and now i just feel sick.
ANd i can't even confront him because i snooped It was all me I did this to my self.
once again I know i'm in the wrong for posting in here when i never post to anybody post. and for that i'm sorry and i understand if i'm not aloud in here. I really just dont know what to do with this info. and just last week i told him I was feeling like he was pulling the wool over my eyes and he made sure to tell me he wasn't .
April
This message has been edited by sweetbutfoolish on Apr 11, 2007 3:44 PM
Don't feel bad for not posting and don't feel you don't belong. everyone comes and goes as they need. Sometimes you need time away from it. I've been away for a long time also and just recently started to read and post again.
Why do you feel you can't confront H? Yes you broke into his work e-mail, but unless your afraid of his company pursuing legal action, I don't think you should be worried about it. You did not do this to yourself. You had a gut instinct, followed through on it and you were correct, there was something to worry about.
Did you find any other e-mails? Did H respond to her? How recent were they?
I would confront my H, but not before I throughly snooped. I would print out the e-mails, so he can't delete them and act like I was crazy. A bit devious, but that is where the devestation of the A has taken me. Do what you feel you need to do, but don't feel guilty because you snooped. Had you found nothing than maybe you could feel a little guilty, but your gut told you to snoop and your gut was right!
thank you so much lisa the email i just spoke about was written on march 30. there has been a couple more just her emailing him asking where he is. why isn;t he at work and so on... there is no sent email and he has not reponded to this last one that i can tell....
I dont care about him gettin into trouble...I dont know why i feel i shouldnt confront him i have the email saved already. See he is going to tell me it is nothing and it is just harmless flirting .
what really makes me sick is on march 31 he read the email are 13 yr aniv was april 1 so that night i make him special gift got a pretty made a real nice evening and he had read that email. thats where i feel like a fool
I'm not sure how long this has been going on the email go back in march. seem more from her then him that i can tell so far...
JJ thank i had to go get the boys And now it time to make dinner.. sorry i missed ya..
Coral good to see you miss your emails......
Thing where going good we where talking and gettin along.I mean there has been some up and downs but he seem to be showing me he was into this marriage and then things just started to get unsettle with me ... i had that feeling i keep trying to tell myself it was just being stupid...I"m thinking this is why it hurts so much cause i have really really worked hard on making changes for myself and really trying to forgive him infacted i had i had let my guard down and was just wanting to love him so much..
so now I"m sitting here thinking what good is it going to do to even confront him on this just going to be the same song and dance the man does not want this to work He tells me he does not want to leave and he wants this to work..
boy sure is a funny way of showing... I'm pretty sure he had lead this womening to thinking there was going to be something happen why eles would she email him something like that... takes 2 thats for sure..
I really Just dont know how to handle this right now... FOr once i'm lost on how to handle it....
April,
If you haven't heard this already, let me be the first to say: The A was NOT ABOUT YOU!
It hurts me when I read your comment: "I have really really worked hard on making changes for myself"
Your H CHOSE to have his A. He didn't ask for your permission, nor come to you for discussion and advice. He made a poor choice, but he made it none-the-less.
Be easy on yourself right now. You need to have a LOT more time go by to see what happened with perspective; so does your H.
Right now, work on and reward honesty and openess. You have communication to work on - and that will come, too.
Right now, breathe. Cry. Read. Get a pedicure. Stop beating yourself up. You don't deserve it.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
JJ,
thank you I sooo know all of this is his choice. he keeps making the choice to go out and "look" as he calles it.. so far he claim he has never sleep with anybody but he say a lot of stuff doesn't he...
I think i'm beating myself up because even in C session he would say well if you would pay more attention to me and all of that stuff if i was stronger so sometimes I think well crap what more do I have to do..
really I want is for him to just tell me he wants out But i know most of them dont want out .they just want there cake and eat it too.. after month of C session and thinking he was changing I get this slap in the face ya its a set back for me.. not in a bad way. just a set back.....
April, I don't believe there is any such thing as "harmless flirting" when you are married. It's a long and slippery slope to put your foot on, and there's a pile of something rotten at the bottom!! A married man has NO business with a 'private' or 'secret' email account where he can carry on correspondence with women other than his wife, and then call it "harmless flirting".
I understand you may not want to let him know you are aware of his email account (I cracked my W's password and monitored hers for months - only telling her after she asked to come back and ended her A). But if you are not worried that he knows you are aware of his email account, then let him know in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable to you. You don't have to be aggressive, or nasty. Just let him know.
What's after "harmless flirting"? "Harmless drinks"? "Harmless dinner"? "Harmless sex"?
Dave thank so much ... and your right. Seem he has a lot of "harmless" emails lady friends...
and this is his work email. he has told me about it but in his bookmark he hid it under ebay LMAO.. like I"m stupid i know what the name means...
he came home and looked at me and said now what.. I just couldn't get myself to tell him about it... sooo now he is pissed and wont talk to me..
seem I need to learn to stop snooping and let things just go and keep thinking that everything is fine but what kind of life is that always wondering .
he is going to be pissed that i snooped into his work email. i know he is.. I feel stupid right now.. I know what he is doing is wrong. but if he keep promising he going to stop and keep doing what good is it to say anything to him.....
I am sorry for your pain. But do not take the blame for your H's actions. You had every right to snoop after being betrayed. And your gut was right! Too bad if he gets mad about it...if he were truly remorseful he would understand your need to check up on him...he should be an open book. (((hugs)))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This is your time to watch and see what your H does...keep the fact you know about the e-mail to your self...he didn't answer it.
I would suggest that you return to IC and MC... he may not be doing anything and this woman may be flirting with him...but he is not communicating with you, telling you what is happening and that is the red flag that you are seeing...the gut feeling that he is returning to old behaviors.
no advice but to be watchful right now.
take care ,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Me thinks it time you learned to be the undercover cop/wife.
And in my book...it's all about your OWN health and sanity which only YOU can protect! If he's fooling around - or even considering it - I'll bet securing YOUR health isn't foremost in his mind. Too bad if he doesn't like it. Then I guess he shouldn't be out shopping when he's got a full frig at home.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
(1) There is no requirement that you offer a certain amount of help before asking for some yourself.
(2) You committed no offense against your husband by snooping. Criminals in prison have no privacy rights and wayward spouses have committed a criminal offense against the marriage. Additionally, marriage is, among other things, a partnership. True partners have no need for privacy since they are working together for a common good. Privacy needs only come into play when they are doing things that are damaging to the partnership, or when one partner cannot be trusted to act for the common good.
i confronted him and he laughed . said he was leading this women on cause she was easy.. pretty much told me he just doesn't think or care about how this will impacked me..
Is he in IC. Putting your pain aside for the moment..... What kind of person would lead another person on just because they can. Does he get off on hurting people emotionally. Because if he is just leading her on then what? he eventually tells her he not interested? She flirting back so she deserves no sympathy, I'm just wondering what is going through his mind.
You of course shoule be his first concern and I am sorry that he didn't seem to care how you felt.
He stop going to his C he said its was going no where because the C keep wanting to talk about his childhood. and that wasn't the problem.
we where doing marriage C but it really wasn't going anywhere because he wouldn't be honest in there.
He told me he like leaving the door crack Knowing there is a chance to cross the line But always tells me he isnt going to really do anything or he would have already have done it.
he says maybe he likes the attention he gets. And always throws in IF i would be more concentent with my Love and affection then maybe he wouldn't do these things. but i KNow that is Bull cause no matter what i do he will always leave the door crack for other women.
SO I keep telling him that this is crossing the line with me. What I'm I doing wrong for him to keep thinking this is ok. does it really come down to me having to make the choice to leave. See i get upset at the point of why should i be the one to leave when I'm not the one out "looking" .
he said that with this last gal they had some talk and maybe he misslead her into thinking that he wanted it. and she was and open book on going for it. so when she was game he trans to a differnet department and she keep emailing him sexually email. So they way i see it she is just in the wrong as he is.And i dont feel sorry for her at all If your willing to test faith with a married person then you get what you deserve.
He KNow that sooner or later i will find out . just doesn't matter to him. So where does this leave me I'm i at fault for seeming like I accepted it Do i come across as I do. I dont know pretty sure most would have walk a long time ago on this. he see it as harmeless cause he didn't sleep with any of them. so him and i are butting head on that. cause the way i see it speaking and emailing about have sex seem pretty much the same as doing it..
I could be wrong...
First of all don't be so hard on yourself. Its not your fault that he continues to do this, just because you haven't left him doesn't mean he has the right to continue this behavior.
I didn't mean to indicate that I felt sorry for her/them/whoever. If you have any kind of inappropriate relationship with a married person, you are in the wrong, if you get hurt because of your actions, so be it.
have you tried to s/w your H about how he would feel if you were having these types of conversations or e-mails with another man? Does he really believe he wouldn't be having these types of relationshsips with other women if you acted differently in some way.
Do you want out of your marriage? Than ask him to leave. No you should not be the one to lose your home because your H is behaving like a jerk. Do you have children? Children can deffinately make the splitting up a bit harder.
See if you can get him back to MC. If you think he is lying confront him in front of the C, put him on the spot.
April,
Your H is a manipulator. He is making you feel guilty for his inappropriate actions. Don't listen to that malarky. Your H is either a tease or a liar. I don't know which is better, both show him to be a player... he needs to learn about boundaries. YOUR BOUNDARIES. You have to decide what you are not willing to put up with in your relationship, then what YOU are going to do if he doesn't respect them. You must have a plan of action for YOURSELF... he must know that you mean business by carrying through on whatever you decide you must do.
I ditto what Diane said. Tell him what your boundaries are. If he chooses to cross them then the consequences are up to you. He doesnt expect that you will follow through. So he keeps doing what he's doing because he can, just like he said.
(((((((hugs))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. its so nice to beable to post somewhere and have people understand .
lisa you in no way step on my toes i was just making a statement about the other gal.
I guess i'm just confused on where i went wrong on making him think he can keep doing this he just keep telling me this has nothing to do with me and this is his choice and i can't make him stop..
yes i have 3 boys ages 12 and 10 and 4 .No i dont want out of the marriage. But i sure Dont want to keep having to play cop with him either...
I am going to tell you what everyone told me...if there are no boundaries and no consequences HE has no incentive to change. True, you can't MAKE him change but by not sticking up for yourself you are sending him the message that YOU will continue to put up with it because there are no consequences. Change is up to him yes, and you can only change yourself. You can change how you react and what you will accept and SHOW HIM that you will no longer accept being disrespected in the marriage. I didnt want out of my marriage either BUT I also refused to be disrespected any longer, and if that meant the marriage was over then what type of marriage did I have anyway? Take care of YOU, you are worth it....the trick is believing it!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Apr 12, 2007 6:00 PM
you are so right ... pretty much I keep sending him message that I"m just going to keep lettin it happen. that is my weakness.
tonight I asked him so how do you act about something without acting like you are accepting this. he didn't have an answer.
then i said so telling you that if it happen again i will leave doesn't seem to matter or i dont follow through so yes this was childess and wrong but i told him Fine then if you find it out to go look then I will do the same. because you find it ok .. he told me no its not ok for YOU to do it .I asked him if he had snooped into my mail box and found a email from some guy like what i found would it bother him and would it matter he was pretty quit .I told him feel the anger and the hurt you would feel if you read something like that... he didn't want to talk anymore after that.
I told him just because i didn't get anger this time and I came to him pretty calm doesn't mean I accepted what he did.
Who know what this will do. I have seen and heard the song and dance for 12 yr and YES i have allowed it to happen but this last time I trully wanted to trust him and thought that things really had changed and that is where i'm feeling like a fool. If that makes since at all..
again thank you for all that you have said to me it really help me so much. to understand some of this...
april
When I too realized that I was allowing it to happen because I didnt stick up for myself I also felt foolish. But you know what? I learned from it and grew as a person. I learned to change ME...to protect ME because no one else will. When we get married WE trust that our spouse will look after our best interests, and in a perfect marriage that would be true....it's called blind trust. But no marriage is "perfect"....something else I had to accept. By looking out for myself and taking care of me I found that others things in my life fell more into place too. It had a domino effect. When I changed, others reacted to me differently and in a good way. I am still the person I always was, even through all of this hell, I am not bitter and just as loving as I have always been and just as caring of others, just more guarded and more capable of taking care of myself. All this time I thought I was doing the right thing by letting others walk all over me...if I had no respect for myself how could I expect anyone else to? Love yourself first...take care of YOU. You are worth it April
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Apr 12, 2007 9:03 PM
It sounds like you might have hit a nerve with H when you asked him how he would feel if you were e-mailing with some guy. Try a follow up conversation. Ask him if he thought anymore about how he would feel. Try to talk to him in a calm manner, not as if you are trying to start an arguement. I know within my realtionship I am the hot head, and when I approach issues in a combatative way my H closes down.
Cal is right about boundaries, you need to set them and follow through on them. But you need to set boundaries that you can stick to. If at this point in time you cannot (for whatever reason) really divorce your H then don't tell him that that is the consequence. Its like telling your child that if they disobey you, they will be punished for a year. They disobey you and they don't get punished for a year. They get a slap on the wrist and its over with. The next time you say you will be punished for a year, tehy know you wont follow through with it, so they disobey you again.
And I don't believe you need to tell your H what the consequences are. He know his behavior is unacceptable. He should be changing his behavior because it is wrong. He should not have to think whether or not he can live with your consequences. The boundaries are for YOU. He knows what the boundaries. The consequences are also for you. They are not necessarliy to punish him, but to help you build your self esteem. Maybe other will see this differently and can give you a different perspective.
I have taken everything everybody has told me. and i did a lot of thinking last night as he was gone at work. and this is the email i sent him last night he has not read it yet. I know its not the same as talking to him face to face but sometimes i can express myself better . here is the email I hope you nobody minds me posting it. I do really understand now what i have done wrong and everything you just posted lisa is so true.
Sometime i feel that I'm a little to easy on my true feeling about all of this. that i take away from my true self to safe fate kind of .tonight after thinking about things i feel that you just don't get what this does to me. to set there and listen to my husband tell me he needs and want more and he like how other women wants him. seem in itself selfish . I'm not going to be silent anymore if i need to sound off then i will and if it happens to be in an email then thats how it will happen .And i expect the same from you as well if you need to.
I Know Im in no way perfect but does this mean i still deserve this? NO in fact i don't nobody does. I should not have to question you are snoop.
I feel hurt that you can keep trying to make me think that you are changing when really you aren't and when i said your pulling the wool over my eyes that was a true statement and in till you can be accountable for what you are doing this will never stop.
Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other persons behavior.
We set a boundary to define our territory, to protect our space - physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. We set the boundary because it is what we need to do for our self, to protect and take care of our self. We set it knowing that the other person may not be able or willing to change their behavior - and that we are prepared to take whatever action we need to take if that proves to be the case. That action may include cutting that person out of our life completely.
Since I am powerless over you, I will take this action to protect myself if you behave in this way. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.
Here are my Boundaries If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.
If you repeat that behavior, I will consider it to mean that you do not value or deserve my friendship or my love
I cannot be a loving wife a loving friend when in the back of my mind I know that you are still doing all of this. And after finding **** again it has come to me that in now way any of your choices has anything to do with me. I no longer accepted that if i acted different then you would never do this.that statement i Feel is being over used. this has been a choice of your for a long time. I can not try to love you if you push me away . NO matter what you need from me is never ever going to make you happy .you need to make you happy. and Finding other women who "likes" you is not going to work for me. I must say I"m a little afraid to show you anything because as it stand right now what little i do give you abuse it.
I love myself enough now to say enough is enough .
