I was actually hoping to chat, but there doesn't seem to ever be anyone in there. So this is just as good. I have not ever posted my story, I'm going to try and make it short as possible.
Just over a year ago, 3/10/2006, I finally confirmed that my husband was cheating. I say finally because my gut had been nagging at me for about two years and I was depressed over it. I was always a step behind though, and could never confirm anything. Looking back now, I probably could have confirmed it from the start, but I was technically ignorant (didn't realize I could look up cell phone detail online). Anyway, when all was said and done, I was able to confirm and,or email with three women he had slept with and one he "just made out with". Per him, the first one was when I was 4 months pregnant with our 3rd child, the "make out girl" was when I was 6 months, the 2nd sexual was when the baby was about 4 weeks old then there was a long break and the 3rd sexual began when the baby was about eight months and ended 8 days after his first birthday - D DAY.
My husband is a pilot and all of these women were flight attendants (yes the pilot/flight attendant thing is true, the stories are awful). He was away on a trip and called to say he would be out of touch for a couple of days because he would be flying to the Bahamas. What they don't have phone's in the Bahamas. Needless to say I figured it out and was able to "force" him to confess to "that" affair over the phone, but it took several weeks before anything anywhere near the entire truth came out, and it didn't come from him. When I hung up the phone that first time I had told him to expect his things outside and the locks would be changed. I was in shock, yes, but I always knew that cheating more than anything else was something I would never overcome. Within about an hour he called back begging for me to reconsider, saying it took this to wake him up, he couldn't lose me, and so on. This is getting very long, but the whole time she was there, he would leave the room when he was talking to me (I could hear the door slam in the background) and he lied about the fact that she was still there for several weeks, until I finally caught up with her.
Anyway, I wanted a separation from the start. I wanted to get a small place for me and the kids and go back to school. He refused, he nagged and nagged and wore me down until I just went along with his plan, even though I was miserable and have been ever since. He refuses to discuss the affairs anymore and gets very defensive saying he's said everything there is to say. I have the same gut feeling I had that he was cheating that says I don't know everything, plus there are some bits and pieces of info that don't tie into what I already know. Hard to explain withough writing a book.
I am 6 months pregnant, another one of his glorious plans that I was not on board with, but was taking antidepressant when it happened and had a false feeling of contentment. I finally decided in the past few days, after being miserable for so long, that I needed to give him a fair second chance. Even though I have been here this past year, I have not let him "back in" so to speak, and I just float through my days, depressed, confused, angry, a complete mess. I thought if I just make the decission to be happy and take what he is giving, I could be ok, better than ok. He has done more for me in this past year than in our entire 10.5 years of marriage leading up to the affair.
However, in order for me to truely move on, I need to be sure of the whole truth. I've been reading all these posts and the book "After the Affair", and determined that I needed to know every detail about the sex, his feelings, her feelings, were there others, etc..., everything in order for me to know exactly what happened. I tried to get these details from him before but he falls short and just gets irritated and irate. I tried again tonight, same thing. So I've decided to give him one more chance to talk and come clean about everything before we go to bed tonight, if he can't or won't, I will leave. I am a person that requires complete honesty and I think the lack of it has been the biggest thing holding me back from this supposed "new us" he speaks of. If the new us doesn't begin with honesty, then it just doesn't begin. Yes, we've tried counseling, he says he does not like to be beat up on. What counselor do you know of that beats up on patients? I've tried again to get him to go this past couple of weeks, even scheduled an appointment when he was off work, conveniently he was rescheduled to work that morning, so I went on my own. I got a list of open times for next week, but he refuses to call and find out what his schedule is for next week. So, to me it is very clear that his demands in allof this are the only ones he expects to be met, even though he is the one that committed the crime.
I am scared of being a single mom of four, horrified actually, but there comes a point in everyone's life when you have to stand up and say "I'm unhappy and I'm just not going to live like this anymore.(even if I starve :)just kidding)."
So, I'm sorry this is sooooooo long, and there is still so much more, but I have no friends to share this with and my parents are not to thrilled I am pregnant so I can't go to them either. So complete strangers are better than going it alone.
Thanks for reading.
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. There are parts of your story that feel very familiar to my own, and my heart hurts for you.
I admire the strength I hear in your voice. Yes, I hear the sadness and confusion and depression and the heartache, but there is also courage and determination.
You're actually further along in the process than I: my dday was about 8 months ago. That said, everyone here reminds me that even at 1 year out, it is still early on in the process of healing, so all your feelings make a lot of sense.
You said "I thought if I just make the decission to be happy and take what he is giving, I could be ok, better than ok." Sadly, without your H's full support - - where he actually is willing to go to counseling and willing to talk through the details of all the A's - - I'm not sure that happiness (at least within the marriage) is what you're going to end up with. That really is an equation that would take both of you rolling up your sleeves and working together to achieve.
Its difficult to understand how a man with 3 lovely children and a 4th on the way wouldn't be desperate to do anything to try and save his marriage and family. It sounds very much like he is still somewhat in the "fog" and has yet to truly come to terms with his behavior.
It sounds like tonight is a big night for you if you are giving him an ultimatum. I hope he is able to find his own courage to give you the answers you need and absolutely deserve. I, too, am one that requires all the information...every horrible detail. The movies in my head are repulsive and loop repeatedly throughout my waking hours, but I'd much rather have them than the nebulous world of my imagination. Also, part of hearing all the nitty-gritty details was a way to learn how the A was conducted and thus give me a map of what to look for as we head into the future. And truth and knowledge at the very least was an issue of respecting me enough to give me the information to make informed decisions about my life. That's part of what WS's don't understand though; they truly believe that what we don't know, won't hurt us, and that's just not true.
In any event, my thoughts are with you tonight. Good luck with your conversation with your H and whatever decisions you make going forward. I do hope you continue with IC, and that you are taking care of your physical needs...especially with a new baby on the way. Be well. Be strong. Be safe. BlueIris
One thing I have noticed about people who have affairs is that once they have crossed the line they start to justify to themselves and before long they have convinced themselves that what they did (and may be are still doing) is really not so bad. This is something about human's not wanting to see how awful they are I suppose. So.. the "fog" begins" and, as is stated no real "wake up" arrives. I believe the same experience happens with the armed forces and in other situations ie once you have killed someone then it becomes easy and even people say you can get lost in the sheer thrill of battle and do the most horrific things. I have heard that even torturers get something out doing it. So.. this seems to be the mind-set we have to understand. Added to that is the sheer animal lust thing that drives people crazy as it always has. So.. perhaps we can understand them. The problems are not overcome though are they?
We are left with a terrible reality to face - Our spouses have committed these terrible acts. We want somehow to cleanse the situation by knowing about it all - and I mean all the sordid details. It is almost as if we endure and experience the horror that we can somehow understand and even explain it to ourselves. Somehow find reasons and if not blame then finally to reach forgiveness to. And.. yes we can do this and yes this is how it seems to work. But, there is still a problem as we are left still with the facts that our spouses have done this and it is distinctly unfriendly and hateful as an act and something you would not do to your worst enemy, let alone someone you are married to and supposed to love. So.. we still have a problem don't we?
The choice we are faced with is still: Do we try to start again with these deeds done or do we separate ourselves and start again. My view is that we can then begin to fool ourselves at this point if we are not careful. At this point we can fall into our own "fog" of wanting to make things all ok and see our spouses and the situation as somehow "cured" or "better".. etc.. The problem is that forgiveness may wash the bad acts away but it does not wash the person away. We are still left with someone who has been our partner and has demonstrated their unhappiness and their distaste and lack of love for us in a most despicable and hurtful way. So.. do we really want to start again with someone who has not been happy with us? Big question and one that I am trying to answer too - with wide open eyes and as little self delusion as I can find. Oh and one last point:
The danger here is that we allow ourselves to be lulled into a false new dream ie when we look around at our house, our children and the expectations of all those we know.. They all want to lull us into a false sense of happiness based on their expectations. My view is that to accept expectations from others is to allow ourselves to die a bit to ourselves. We have to become live and very much alive to find out what we really want at this point. We have to get in touch with ourselves and feel the way forward - How do we feel about this - Really and truly - Are WE happy to live with this person. We cannot expect them to change after all - It is down to US at this point and we must be true to ourselves.
Yes, Jerry,
I agree with everything you said. That is the question... what do I (you) want? To live with someone who cannot and does not really love you or take your chances on life alone. I also say to myself... my love has actually gone. I can be friends with my H but I can never be vulnerable to him again... he got rid of what ever love I had left with his last actions of dday #3. I should be honest with myself and him. I cannot love him, it's gone. It may be that something is wrong with me but those are the facts. I wish I had loved my husband the way so many others here have loved theirs... even after multple ddays they find a way to forgive and want to reconcile and go forward. They are truely saints in my eyes.
I guess I'm just a flawed individual trying to figure things out.
It is so hard to go through with what must be done. I'm waiting for the strength.
