Hi all who responded, thanks for taking the time to read.
Well, I tried both last night and this morning, he still refuses to budge and says I know everything there is to know, "But" he says (there's always a but), "What good would it do if there were more details about the sex, what difference does it make, how does it help you to know?". So again, it is very clear HE is deciding for me how I should heal and what I am entitled to know. That doesn't work for me. I've been told and read many times that when you are the hurt spouse, the rules of how I heal are made by me. I shouldn't be surprised at his actions, he is a complete control freak with that "Ain't nobody gonna tell me how things are going to go" attitude. I think that is another reason it is so hard to get him to agree to counseling.
So, I told him, as I have told him many times since this all happened, that without a completely clean slate and everything out on the table, I can't possibly move on in my heart, and I can't possibly allow any good feelings I may have left, re-surface. His same old response, "Well what do you want me to do, make stuff up?". We could go round in circles until one of us finally dies, but I'm out of energy, sick of crying, sick of feeling horrible and trying to move forward as things are just seems fake, like a lie, I can't live another 30 or 40 years like that.
He's leaving in about a month for 6 weeks of training at another airline (which is a whole other monster of a problem for me). He will only be home on weekends and probably not every weekend, so it will be a good time for me to begin to make an adjustment, even though I'll be 8-9 months pregnant. I think being left that long at a very needy time with three other children in a town with no family or close friends, will really help me to see that I truely am alone, and always have been.
Boy I sure hate that there are so many posts on a website like this, what is wrong with people? How can there be so many poeple out there so selfish, so perfectly willing to destroy another human being's heart and faith and well being? How can hate or temptation or whatever it is that drives someone to cheat, be stronger than maintaining integrity and decency and just simple care for someone you've shared so much with.
Since all this began, the question of whether or not marriage is even worth the risk of all this hurt has been top thought on my mind, and I really can't come to good reasoning that it is worth it. I know there are all these studies out there about how much time can be taken off a person's life if they grow old without a longtime companion, but I can tell you for sure that this has taken double the years off my life. I'm only 30 and I feel as if the better part of my life is over, it was taken from me, i lost it, lost me and there's no getting it back.
Women, our love that we are born wanting to share so much with men, is better spent on our own flesh and blood, our children. What the men in our lives take for granted, tear apart, stomp all over, spit and turn their backs on, our children cling to us to just get a little. We can get intimate touch, conversation, even sex from any man when we feel the need, check the bars and the pilot lounge, there's usually more than a handful waiting. The love that we give to and receive from our children can't be found anywhere else.
I am just so sorry that you are in this situation. I have 2 young children and know how much that seems to add to the heartbreak. The happy family we envisioned for our children doesn't exist anymore.
What do you think will happen now? Do you want to continue to try with him? I know you said you are expecting and that naturally has to be thought of first. I hope that you can get him to go to MC if that's what you want. But mostly you need to think of you and your baby and children. Your baby needs you to be healthy so he/she can be too. And your kids need their mom. Put you and them first. He already put himself first so he can wait now!
I'm sorry that you don't feel as if you have any help or anyone to turn to. How far away are your parents? Could they help? Of course you can always come here and there will be someone who cares. But it's not always the same as a live, caring person.
So sorry you're going through this. You're right, we should spend our energy on our children. Don't think it's just men, though. There are plenty of selfish women out there as well. What a lot of us need more than anything is not the sex but the companionship, trust and the feeling we're in this together. An A destroys those things. My wife keeps telling me I've not lost anything. After all, I still have her, my children, my job and my home. To me, my life just doesn't make sense without that bond I thought we shared together. Everything else was built on that and was for that. Our little children were an expression of that and we built a home to share it. How can it be trashed so easily and the guilty party trivialise it like that?
Remember you're not alone and I hope you find peace and that times get better for you.
"My wife keeps telling me I've not lost anything."
Wow, this really minimizes the effects of an A, as much as anything I've read here....
I can tell you what I have lost (and gained) as a direct result of sexual betrayal. But no matter what, these things can, over time, be recovered! And even some of the worst of them can be turned around into something positive. Perhaps over time, some of what happened to me may apply to you, as well.
1. My ability to trust 100%--This is not necessarily a bad thing. It was part, I guess, of a forced "maturation" process, which is now a part of me, just like the death of my own dad. It caused me to realize and accept that the woman whom I had placed on a pedestal and linked my future to was flawed and subject to the same temptations as anyone else. It exposed her hidden selfish core and I now had truth, both about her, and my opportunistic former "friend" (OM #4). Knowledge is, indeed, power.
2. My sense that "life is fair". No, it isn't! My sophomoric idealism was shattered and replaced with an acceptance that bad things happen to good people. Every second of every day. Coming to really accept this in my heart lead to a much more realistic view of the world.
3. My feelings that I could never withstand, abide or forgive sexual cheating, and would kick the cheater out of my life for good. Instead, I was somehow able to rise to the occasion, helped her set up her apartment while we were separated, and even interact with all 4 OM without becoming violent. I was able to withstand her & the OM rub my face in the cheating, and still bounce back.
This was great personal growth for me (although achieved through adversity) that could not have occurred any other way. I am now able to deal with nearly anything with a cool head, most of the time.
I'm nothing special. No stronger or weaker than the average person. Only by using the adversity forced upon me to my own advantage, have I been able to get to where I am (wherever the hell THAT is, LOL).
To quote Einstein, "Within every problem lies hidden an opportunity that literally dwarfs the problem itself."
