as many of you have read I sent an email to me H as far as I know he has read it all he has said to me is this.
that he does not feel guilty about what he has done this time. only that he feels stupid he really didn't think i would find out about it. and now that i have he just keeps asking himself why he did it ...
he did say the other night that he understand that i need to vent about things and he needs to understand that and let me.
I"m really not sure what to think about all of this. i mean he told me he flirts with women to get attention and he leaves the door cracked for a chance but he keeps telling me he would never sleep with anybody .he said if he really wanted sex he would have already sleep around that he has had many chances.
SO my thoughts on this is he need to lay everything out on the table and come clean on everything. and if he is not willing to do so then i know he is only bsing me and he does not value this marriage at all..
thanks for lettin me vent. I have a busy week. all 3 of my boys birthdays are this week. one will be 4 tomorrow the other will be 10 on tuesday. and my first one will be 12 on sat. wow time goes so fast.
It is always nice to get updates on our members, thank you. I am sorry that your H is taking such a stand. Essentially, it seems he understands what he did was wrong, and that it hurt, which is good. However, he has no intention of changing. While I find his honesty a good thing, it also seems he is hiding behind it to some degree to continue bad behavior. Many times WS do this to gain some credibility, where they have none.
I don’t know whether he is having sex with other woman or not, in short it really doesn’t matter. He is engaging in adulterous behavior which has the potential to lead to sex. In my mind that is bad enough, and not something to be down played because sex can not be proved. I think most WS’s will tell you they never meant for sex to enter the picture, yet I am guessing, it enters the picture in a high percentage of the cases anyway. When people flirt, it is only a matter of time and opportunity. Not only that, but his behavior is destroying you, which in itself is unacceptable.
I really am sorry he continues to hurt you in this way. It is good, though, that he is at least discussing things with you. I agree with you, he needs to lay everything out on the table, so you can decide if this is something you wish to live with indefinitely.
well we kinda talk last night pretty much told me he flirts with women that is who he is and I need to get over it...
pretty much thinks that what he did is harmless and he thought that he has improved on his bad behavior ... and if i would stop snooping then i would not get hurt by finding things like this out .
I agree with Ami 100%. I am also really sorry that your H is continuing to be selfish and is continuing to hurt you like this.
You said your H was being honest and I believe that he is too. But basically what your H is saying is that he wants you to accept his behavior and if you cant it's your problem. He is making this YOUR issue. His behavior is adulterous and wrong as Ami pointed out...in other words, unacceptable if one wishes to remain married. He wants his cake and eat it too. April, you have to decide if this is how you want to live and if this is the type of marriage that you want. From what you wrote it doesnt sound like you can live with this behavior and your H isnt willing to consider your feelings and has no desire to change. April, YOU have a choice. What are you wlling to accept?
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This concerns me - you said, "...he told me he flirts with women to get attention and he leaves the door cracked for a chance but he keeps telling me he would never sleep with anybody."
There should be NO cracks left open in a marriage and quite frankly that makes no sense of him to say that. Why would he leave a crack open if he never intended to opening it completely?
Ask him to define "chance."
Even if the truth is that he has never crossed the line with his flirting, he needs to see that his flirting is causing you grief and pain. He is putting his needs first, still. He would rather flirt with woman to get HIS attention needs fullfilled and allow you to be in distress over it, than if it is really just harmless flirting, QUIT - to help his wife and marriage feel more secure.
URRRR - if it isnt a full blown A yet, than why doesnt he just stop now? WHY? If he continues to be so selfish, he will eventually perhpas cross that line into complete infidelity... how he is acting and what he is doing sounds like just a stepping stone to the next level.
I feel for you sweetie! Hugs to you and the kids.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
thank you I just keep reading your responces over and over..
I"m very angry today. I"m tired so tired
pretty much was told that he is a differnet person at work. and if he wants to give his "friends " a back rub .and just be the person he was when i meet him then I need to understand that it means nothing...what i mean is I new he was a "flirt "when we meet and this has not changed and i should not be suprised with all of this .
he told me to give him a guide line on what is ok. I was like WTF you dont know what that is .....
last night went from we have never had a marriage . I dont take care of myself .and I spend to much time snooping on him and that i need to find another hobbie.
SO I dont accept any of this. and last night he crossed the line with me. so know i have to wonder how me and my 3 boys are going to make it on are own and it scares me and it make me very very upset that i have to do this. that he is the one making all the wrong choices and here i am the one having to pick up and walk away just so i dont have to accept it anymore. it sucks. ANd I"m just feeling soooo over whelmed with all of this right now..
thanks everybody...
april
This message has been edited by sweetbutfoolish on Apr 17, 2007 4:50 PM
I get the impression from his words that you've shared here, that he feels "in control".
Is he a jealous man? Would he be OK if a man touched you, or paid attention to you in those ways that he says are "natural" for him?
We have friends who are going through a divorce right now ultimately because the husband's infidelity. Interestingly enough he's always had a jealous streak (according to his wife)! I've wondered if his jealousy originated in his awareness of what those men might be thinking as they spoke to his wife.
<<pretty much was told that he is a differnet person at work. and if he wants to give his "friends " a back rub .and just be the person he was when i meet him then I need to understand that it means nothing...>>
I am sorry April, if the backrubs mean nothing to him then why can't he stop? I would be very upset if my H was giving out backrubs. I would be even more upset if he found it acceptable and refused to stop by saying "it's who I am". That's a load of bull and it is him trying to justify his ill behvaior.
<<he told me to give him a guide line on what is ok. I was like WTF you dont know what that is .....>>
Sounds like he wants rules layed down so he can work his way around them and manipulate you. The rule of thumb as to what is and is not accpetable is simple, would you do/say this or that in front of your spouse? I doubt your H would feel comfortable if you were standing there whiel he was giving that backrub and listening to the conversation like a fly on the wall.
I am sorry if all of this overwhelms you. But like Coral, if he finds his behavior perfectly accept then it is just a step away from being able to say cheating is acceptable too. Where is his common sense as to what is OK for a married man and what is not? Have you given him an ultimatium...stop this behavior or Im gone? If so, what was his reaction?
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I have asked him over and over if I was doing the same thing as he is would he be ok. he just laugh at me he will not answer the question at all. ever.
I asked if would he act the same way if i was there at work with him and these co-worker and he looked at me and said ya i would . he said " I do the same things to them as i do to you" then he thought about that and said well maybe that didn't come out right....
so over all I do not understand him at all about this..
today he told me OK I was stupid and i'm sorry I said ok what I"m I suppose to do or feel know he said... just move on and not worry about this anymore he was a stupid thing to do....
I have told him I"m done with this .. I have had enough ANd I will not put up with this anymore... HE still tells me that is not Fair .....
WHen i write things that he said I"m written them for others to understand not to bash him or make myself feel better..
he did tell me He never thought that i would snoop into his work email so what he was doing wasn't a big deal cause he never thought i would find out..
the flirting and email starting in jan and went on intill now.
This message has been edited by sweetbutfoolish on Apr 17, 2007 8:09 PM
Isn't that the excuse most WS's give "I thought you would never find out"? That doesnt make it OK. Obviously he knew he was doing something wrong if he had to hide it from you. You knew something wasnt right so you snooped. And now he wants you to act like nothing is wrong? Well, something is very wrong with his thinking. Will he go to MC?
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Apr 18, 2007 8:01 AM
Hi April, I think everyone has nailed it already. I know you are so hurt that it is probably hard to get angry and make a stand but you will get to that point. It sounds like that might be what it's going to take for him to wake up and get real. Demand that he answer your questions--not just laugh them off. Keep repeating it until he answers. When I get into a discussion with my H he always takes the offensive and tries to make me back down by saying I'm crazy, I'll never be satisfied, and other not so nice things. When I started to push back instead of reacting defensively I was surprised how quickly he backed down. Just remember that you deserve better than to have your feelings discounted and dismissed. What he's doing is wrong and he knows it. Take care of yourself.
I agree with K. He says things to get you to back down so he can continue to do what he is doing. It is manipulation. When you are ready you will stand your ground. Take care of you and get stronger....you can do it! Not just THINK you are worth it, KNOW that you are worth it
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
