I'm in the military and stationed in DC. My WH hates it here so decided to stay in Kentucky. He has been having this affair for over 2 years now, I found out last July. I know that if we were together I would have a better chance at fighting for our marriage. As it is, she has access to him 24/7 where I get to come home one weekend a month and have daily phone converstations. I read an article where they say that ending an affair is like giving up drugs. Well he is the addict, and she is the drug and his supplier. I guess that makes me the REHAB center. I can't help him unless he wants it. I have asked him if he wants a divorce and he said he's not sure, he's not sure about what he wants. I have been trying to help him by not putting any pressure on him but now realize that I have been enabling him to continue hurting me and using me without guilt. I have decided to let things go for now, get myself healthy (emotinoally and financially), and next year when I get transferred, I can get my animals and move. I have been trying to build a new relationship with him but until she is out of the picture there is no chance for us; so I am going to tell him that when I come home once a month, I don't want him there (it breaks my heart to see him). I hope that I am done grieving. I have loved this man for the past 18 years and now I have to walk away.
Is there anyone else out there in my situation who is actually working things out?
I'm not in your same situation, but my wife's affair started while I was working a similar distance from home. I was able to go home every weekend, and her affair lasted for 6 weeks. Once I was aware of it I was able to change our living circuimstances and she wasn't arount the OM any more.
I know of a couple where the husband worked a remote job and was gone for two(?) weeks at a time. They were able to save their marriage also.
You've made a lot of good points in your post:
-until she is out of the picture there is no chance for us
-I can't help him unless he wants it
-if we were together I would have a better chance at fighting for our marriage.
-I have been enabling him to continue hurting me and using me without guilt.
I agree that you should set boundaries as long as the OW is in the picture. One thing I'm not clear about from your post is whether you still hope for reconcilation. Some things you wrote seem to indicate that you are, while others suggest that you're not. The fact that you're husband isn't sure about wanting to save the marriage is, I think, a reflect of the fact that deep down he knows the affair relationship is weak and shallow. As you pull away from him, he will be forced to face that fact.
I can understand him not wanting to living the DC area, especially if he's a "country boy" at heart. I lived there for a while myself and found that congestion and demand for resources kept me from living the way that I would like. However, it was a temporary situation for my wife and I, so we lived there until we were able to move to a place that fit our goals and plans better. Is there anyway he could end the affair and come live in DC until you're able to transfer? If you're interested in reconcilation, then that might be your best bet.
I want very much to reconcile. I love this man with all my heart and I know he is going through some personal challenges. He is going to be 50 at the end of this month, he recently retired from active duty, and he is starting to have the usual health concerns men his age have. I believe he is having a midlife crisis. The OW is 20 years younger and has two young boys. I know that being with her makes him feel younger. However, the older boy has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD and is totally out of control. My husband is not a patient man and cannot handle his behavior. So I do agree with you about his relationship being weak and shallow.
He is not ready to end the affair so there is no way he will come here. We also have animals that wouldn't do well in DC. I have requested my next assignment be in upstate NY, where his family is from. I know he would move there if she weren't involved so I just have to hope for the best. We are still going to talk on the phone every day but when I go home once a month, he will not be there. He seems to think a decision will be made soon on his part. We shall see.
Dear Bobbie - I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. All of us here know the heartache you are feeling - to one degree or another. All our stories have their own unique twists and turns. They all hurt so much.
Tom's post is wonderful. I echo all his sentiments, and his questions were all right on.
I'm sorry to hear that your H is not willing to stop the A. As long as there is contact with the OW, there is very little that can be done in terms of reconciliation. She needs to be completely out of the picture. Your analogy of the addict, drug and rehab center were poignantly right on the money.
In the meantime, while your H is trying to make a decision, may I suggest that you try and help yourself as much as possible? You mentioned helping yourself emotionally and financially. Please don't forget your physical needs. Make sure you are taking care of your health - - eating regularly, taking vitamins, sleeping. The normal tasks of daily life can be so hard when this is going on, but its critical that you be as well as you can be physically. You've already been dealing with this for about 9 months, so perhaps you already have gone through a lot of this. If so, please forgive me for any redundancy.
Just as a means of introduction, my DDay was about 8 months ago. My H had a 3 year EA/PA, and in addition to that is a sexual addict that has made regular use of the internet and phone services. He's been very remorseful and we are working diligently at reconciliation, but it is a long, uphill battle...full of anger (mine) and grieving and sadness (both of us).
My thoughts are with you. Please keep us posted. I wish you the best...whether you are able to reconcile or not. Be well. Be strong. BlueIris
I told my husband last night that he would have to start paying more towards our debts. Since I make more than he I have been paying the bulk. If we get divorced, the judge will split our debts in half for each of us so that's what I did. He is starting to feel the effects of what his lifestyle will be without my income. The OW is barely making ends meet now for herself and her two boys so he can't expect any relief from that end.
Taking care of myself physically is not an option. I am in the military so I am required to maintain physical wellness. Mentally, I am a wreck but getting stronger every day.
I am going home at the end of the month. It's his 50th birthday and he will be spending it with the OW and her family (they don't know about the affair). This will be the first time that I won't be seeing him and it's going to be very hard and I will cry a lot I know. However, I will be with my animals who will comfort me. I know this is mean, but I hope her boy is totally out of control for the whole weekend because this will be the first time my husband won't be able to come home when he gets tired of it.
