Since TomJ and LonelyMomWife asked in another thread,I will try to tell my long story. I have actually told it before, maybe 3 years ago, but after that I have just been reading.
I met my husband one year after I had divorced my XH after an abusive mearige. I was 31 years old and had a 10 years old daughter. H was 6 years younger than me. After dating for one year, he moved into my new house. We were very much in love. I thougt he was the dream of my life, so kind and caring. He was a wonderful husband and father for my daugheter. I thought I was in heaven. For many years he went out to meet his mates Friday or Saterday evening. It was no problem for me that he had som beers with his mates. Now we have lived togheter for 25 years.
After beeing together for 6 -7 years it happened that he, at a big party we attended, startet to flirt and kissing another women in the middle of the crowd (with lots of friends and his collegs). Everybody saw it, also his best friends, and were in shock. I think I was de only person not seeing it because I sat with the back to it. But one of his collegs came and told me that my husband did something with another woman. I left the party withour seeing it. When he came home after some time, he said he didnt remeber anyting but knew he started to kiss her. That his best mates tried to make him stop and come back to me, and he asked them to go to hell and continued the kissing, he didnt remember. I asked and asked what this meant, but he couldnt/wouldent give me answeres. It ended by me deciding to forget all about it. And I did. Then one and a half year after this incident, I had a routinly gyn. exsamination, and it turned out I had chlamydia. I could not understand how, and asked my H if he had been sexual with someone during the 9 years we had been together. He looked me straight in the eyes and said NO. He sweard that was the truth. I belived him and thougt something was wrong with the test. I got medicine og and forgot all about it. Then 2 - 3 years after this he didnt want to have sex with me. He never initiated it, and when I did, he just turned his back at me and asked me to stop. No explanation. After some months I asked if he had someone else, and he said of course not. I belived him again. After about 1 year with no sex, I decided he was imoptent and could not help it. After tinking about the rest of my life without sex, I decided to stay with him, because I loved him very much. Before this we always had a great sex-life and all-in-all a very good life togheter. So the next 9 years we lived togheter without sex, but had very loving and caring daily life. After a time he moved to another bedroom. Then one day I was looking for something at the internet on our PC (placed in his bedroom), and I saw a log with lots and lots of porn he had been looking on. I confronted him, and of course he couldnt deny. I started to ask what this meant, and he said this is something every man does and its harmless. After talking and talking about this, and the fact that we hadnt had sex for 9 years, he moved back to our bedroom, and he was able to have sex again. I was very pleased with this, but I started asking about what happened at the party when he kissed the OW. And I asked if he had done something else that could hurt meg. Then in 2002, 20 years since we moved together, he told me about a ONS he had with one of our nearest neighbour. Luckily she has moved from here. For one year he promised me he hadnt done anything else. One year after, in 2003, he told med the rest of the story. Trough our entire life togheter he has "hunted" after other women. The first year we was together he had sex twice with a woman. Then 5 year after was the ONS with the neighbour, and 1 year after this, he tried to get sex with several women, but in the last moment they said no. All of them was neighbours and women I knew. This happened in the last months before the party when he kissed the woman in front of everybody. After seeing my reaction to this, he claims he didnt do anything for 4 years. Then he had sex with another woman one night - she knew me, and after some time she called him in the middle of the night and asked him to come to her, and they had sex again. At the time I was away to take a degree. What schok me very much is that this woman had a young daughter, then 17 years old, she knew my H and me and she was aware that they had sex. My H even talked a bit with her before he and her mum went to bed. This OW had a very bad reputation. Se was a poor woman with a nickname, "alcoholic-M...". So this is my H, the love and dram of my life.... What happened after I was informed of this in 2003: I have tried to understand what he was thinking, and how he could become such a man. He has told me he never had a bad concsience and no problem to look me in my eyes the morning after he had sex with another woman. He was never ashamed. Now he wants ut to be together, he dont want to look at himself to find out why he did what he did. He gets angry and defensive when I ask questions, but claims he will never do anything like that again. He says he har stopped beeing a flirt - but at first he said it was who he was. He also said he had to dance very tight, thats how he must dance. He didnt like me saying that he didnt always have to danced tight with me, and he decided to never dance with other women. Now he regrets what he has done and says he is sorry, but it is because he sees my pain. It is not because what he has done and who he had become. He is still the loving, caring man and vi are intimate and occasionally has sex, but he says his sex-drive is not so strong any longer. He says he has loved me all the time, and the other women ment nothing. Im struggeling with the question: Does he knoe what real love is, and can I accept living in this relationship for the rest of my life?

I am very sorry you are in this horrible situation... Are you in any kind of counseling? It took me a while of seeing counselors, to find a counselor that was "good for me" . Our MC is a grandmotherly lady who is very outspoken, has no problems giving her clients "her opinion" on what is healthy behavior in relationships. She is also my IC, and is helping me to learn the difference between abusive treatment, and loving treatment between husband and wife . Having affairs is definitely one form of abuse to a spouse. I am trying to learn what it is within myself that allows the abusive treatment to happen to me, and how to not accept it anymore..I didn't feel much motivation to work on my marriage, until recently. I saw that my husband was willing to work on himself, and to learn how treat me without disregard for my feelings . We do have a long way to go...
I am learning this kinda late in life, please let your own sanity and health be your #1 priority....
(((hugs)))
Lisa

Hello Bjorg and welcome back - Your situation feels a bit like mine perhaps.  I have come to the same conclusion about my wife simply not being able to give and receive love - a bit like a disabled person physically she is has an emotional handicap.  In my wife's case she learned her behaviour from her own family and became rather isolated from the world behind a very strong defensive shield.. the defences are so strong and so well developed that she quickly almost dissapears from view and does not relate well to people - except that she also learned to put on a good act for people and "pleases" them sometimes.  I made a misake of seeing her defences as having strenght that she did not - In reality she was very weak and unable to even give and stay in a committed deep love with me .. or her other man in fact.  She appears to the exploitative other man as passive, and in agreement with his wishes - Her other man wrote me a letter after the affair was over and apologised for "taking advantage" of her - He was quite expert and did know what he was doing of course.  I, perhaps like you again, had strong ideals or "dreams" of how things should and could be between people and these also clouded my vision.  And so it happens.  Also, like you I recall a memorable occasion when my wife ended up in a big kissing session on a dance floor in front of many others including me.  I was really quite amazed at the time and angry too - But mostly I could not believe it was possible and, now, looking back I remember she reacted to my protests with words like "I don't know I just did it".. Now I can see that in some ways she is able to rationalise and just do these things in a very matter of fact way - Again this shows to me that she is not feeling very much.  She seems to me now to be very like her father who was an emotional bully and manipulator - Her father suffered from depression but I don't believe my wife does.  No, in the end my wife suffers from a deep mistrust of men and has never really given herself to me or been committed to the marriage.  It is just who she is now.  And years of repeating her wrongful behaviour has even embedded it into who she is.  Now.. It is possible for revelations, change and learning.  It is possible for transformation and renewal.  Also, as you - and I - seem have done, it is also possible to find a depth of forgiveness that sees over and beyond the sex and the lies.  The question I have come to now is whether I can stand in a relationship with someone who is so different.  My problem now is to be able to be at ease, to relax, to trust, to look her in the eye and see a friend.  I find this all very hard and, as a result, my personal happiness seems to evaporate when I am with her now and I feel on edge, uneasy and not relaxed.  I can now see in my life too how I have learned to live in the way I had to all those years, with some coldness and unresponsiveness from her - I see this now and see how many times I have made allowances too - just, sort of, adapted and found a degree of happiness in that situation.  But.. now my problem is I just can't go back to that - Now it is ME who is no longer accepting the situation.  Isn't that strange and a problem.  The problem is now mine. 

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

Thank you Lisa and Jerry for responding.

I am very grateful for your feedback. You know, this language is not what I have learned most, and when I read my (long) last post I see a lot of errors in writing, but I hope you understand the meaning of the text I was writing.

Thank you for your comments Lisa! We live in a small community, and almost everybody do know everybody. Here are a familytherepistoffice that is free of charge for all people. The problem is that I/we know the people that work there privately. So we tried to go to the next office to the south, and also to the next office to the north. Both meant that we had to take one day off from work, and we had large costs to get there by plane and car and boat. You dont know how it is to live up in the far north, when all the easy things is in the south! The positive is that my WH was willing to go. But all the therapists would tell me to try to forget what he had done and move foreward. That is not right to me, I have to know what a person he is, but my H liked it very much! Then he could say to me: What did I say, they told you to shut up and forget about it. I will not try that any more. So, now I am alone and triing to make my H understand what he has done to our relationship and to me, but it is not easy. Today I have a blue eye because he hit me. Because of that I can not go to work tomorrow.

Jerry.
Thank you so much for your comments. I appreciated it very much! I can not say anything more, but I understand your situation and that we think in the same way. I have read a lot of your posts, and it seems like we are on the same timetable as how we are in regard to our WS and that they are not able to be the persons we thought they where. What are we going to do? Like you, I dont see that my H have the ability to love someone the way it should be. Hugs to you!

(((Bjorg)))

Because he hit you?!?!?!? No one, anywhere, anyhow, for any reason, has the right to hit you. I do not know the laws of your country, but am anxious to hear what you are able/willing to do out of safety for yourself. You are a valuable, worthwhile person. Anyone calling themselves a spouse and who professes to love you would never never never hit the one they love.

Please let us all know what is happening. I know this is incredibly painful and difficult for you, but you need to report what your H has done. You need to be safe. You deserve to not live in a house where your physical well-being is under attack. My thoughts are with you. Be brave. Be good to you. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable!!! BlueIris

I also am with Blue and Ami..
.My heart breaks for you because your H hit you.

((((hugs)))

Pat



"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Bjørg:

I'm sorry I'm just now responding to you. I remember your story from when you told us before, and I'm sorry that the situation has not improved much since the last time your wrote.

The other ladies are correct to remind you that your husband should not hit you. I don't know how you should handle that. However I want to say that many times our boundaries are only respected if we make sure people around us know they are important to us. I didn't realize how my wife was manipulating me with her words to keep from revealing herself to me, but when I learned how to set boundaries I began to feel less frustrated, because she learned that she could no longer "get away" with those behaviors.

However, physical abuse is much more serious than the manipulations I was dealing with. It's important that you get him to see that his behavior is something you do not accept. I get a sense that you feel your circuimstances leave you unable to stand up for yourself. I believe that you have more strength, ability, and power over the situation than you realize, but it's also something that I think you'll need to discover in yourself.

From your account, I get an idea that your husband thinks he can do whatever he wants without consequence. If that's true, he needs to learn about the consequences of his actions. This is something that you can help teach him, but as others have said, you need to first protect yourself from his abusive behavior before any progress in the reconcilation can occur.

TomJ

Bjorg,

Can you feel me hugging you. I AM HUGGING YOU.

This has been going on so long for you. I am so sorry.

If you dont' mind my asking, is your daughter close by? Does she know what is going on with her stepdad? Did you have any children with your second husband? Do you have anyone you can run to if you need to incase of an emergency?

Come and cry and pour out as often as you need to.

I love this place. I love these people!

LonelyMomWife

((((Bjorg))))
I am so sorry that you are going through this..I agree with everybody that replied to you, those counselors that gave you the advice to" try to forget what your H did and move on" sound like they don't really want to help you guys. You are a unique and special person, I'm glad that you are letting us know what is going on. You deserve and have a right to a peaceful, and safe life...Please, please find somewhere to go where you can be safe ...get the help of friends or family (that you can trust),so that you will be safe and not feel isolated ...My prayers are with you
Lisa

I want to thank all of you for responding! Yesterday I wrote a post, but I guess it disappeared somewhere in space......

I agree with all of you, my H had no right to hit me. It is no excuse for doing that. He did it once before, 3 years ago.

It was the same circumstances both times: He had been drinking. I started to talk about him and his As and asking questions. He did not want to listen to me or talk. That made me hurt and angry and I continued to talk. After a while he just pulled me out and went into another room. I went after him, telling him louder and louder how bad he had behaved and what a bad man he had been. He was very angry and tried to throw me out of the room, but I just faced him front up. Then he hit me.

Almost the exact the same circumstances as 3 years ago. Then we were at home, but now we were at our small summer-house. We live on a small island outside the cost of North Norway. To go to the summer-house we must first go by ferry and then drive by car 55 km. There are no buses. After he hit me this time, I took the car and drove home. Many hours later, my H came home. He had walked 55 km to the ferry. He is very sorry. Says he don’t remember hitting me. He promised himself 3 years ago that he would never do it again.

We have been together 26 years now, from 1981. He has never been violent until this mad rollercoaster began. I thought he was the kindest man on earth. And he really was. My first D-day was in August 2002. He told about one ONS back in 1987. The second D-day was in June 2003. It was difficult to believe the story he told: From the beginning of our relationship he had ONS. The last one was in 1993. Alcohol was always in the picture (not an excuse). From 1993 and until the first D-day in 2002 he had not sex with anybody, including me. He can not explain why, but says he got erection problems when having sex with me and it became a bad circle.

The first time he hit me was in 2004. He was so scared of himself for doing it, that he decided to move out. He rented a flat and did not want any contact with me. I was devastated and called and called him every day, until he hung up on me. I managed to work full time, and in June 2004 I went to a group-tour, with people I didn’t know before the trip, to Spain and Portugal for 2 weeks holidays. It became a good time for me. After coming home I asked my H if maybe we could go together to Greece for two weeks in August. We have always had a great time together there for so many years. I promised not to talk too much about the As, just relaxing and have a good time while there. He said yes, and we had a good time. When we came home in September 2004, I asked him to move home and he did. He still pays the rent for the flat, I think as a security if the rollercoaster become too though for him, he can go there. He has spent the night there a couple of times when I have asked him to leave because of him not wanting to talk.

So, since September 2004 we have lived together with lots of ups and downs as you see from my history. He is truly sorry for hitting me again now. I am not proud of myself for wanting to talk after he had been drinking and the way I did it. I think it was provoking.

I have told him that I think his attitude towards me, when I want to talk, is wrong. Instead of thinking that I am attacking him, he must try to see that I am very hurt and angry, and that is completely understandable. If his reaction was understanding and caring, the situation would calm down at once. But he can’t manage to be understanding and caring in these situations. I am sure it is not easy, knowing you caused it all, but why is it so difficult......?

I can assure you it is completely safe for me now. He is not a violent person, I hope you understand that. My daughter lives in the south part of Norway. 2 hours by plane from here. It is s very expensive flight. She knows the history, but thinks everything is OK by now. I don’t want her to worry about me. I am going to visit her in the end of May.

This became another long post from me and about me, me, me and me. I feel very selfish! Maybe the problem is me not doing what the therapists told me: Lock everything up in a drawer, forget and look at what you have now and be pleased with it.

Thank you for thinking of me and for the hugs you gave me! I return them to you!

Hugs from
Bjørg.

I don't think you are being selfish at all