We have passed through nearly 3 months of anniversaries with one month to go; I was "fortunate" to figure things out and catch him 14 weeks into his cheating. I,too, thought I would give anyone the boot who did such a thing, but nearly a year later, we continue to see a counselor and I see 2 additional therapists and take my daily dose of antidepressants and Xanax, both gifts from my husband's betrayal. In addition to the OW, I discovered that he had been calling other women obsessively for the entire time we've been together, 14 years. Obsessively, as in multiple times a day,talking from just a minute to 90 minutes. He also continues to swear that he never had sex with the OW, "just performed" twice on her. He swears he couldn't get "excited" and that she did absolutely nothing to help; in fact, that she never even touched his privates, even though he spent a weekend with her !!! He swears as well that she is the only OW ever-despite the phone calls. The MC says that,as crazy and ridiculous as it is, that he believes my H because he has spent a year using every technique he knows after 30+ years of counseling that will break someone down to honesty and my H. won't change his story.The phone calls are not sex calls or OW's; the MC says he is obsessive-compulsive and that is reason. However, it doesn't explain why he would get phone numbers from women he met-like the lady who signed our loan docs at the bank ! He also does not want to answer any more questions and the MC says I know more than anyone else that he's ever worked with but I think that I must say what I need to get over this. He has refused to turn over cell phone records from last few years; only reason for that must be because he knows there is stuff there that is damning. If it were me who had cheated and cried every day asking me to stay, I would do anything and everything my H. wanted to "win" him back, whether I wanted to do it or not.However, my H. has done a lot of work on himself and a lot of actions to show that he sincerely is remorseful and would do anything to keep me(except give me phone records !). That said, I just discovered that he has had a will since before I met him; everything goes to his son. This was fine when he was a single dad but we've been married over ten years. If he dies, not only will I have to sell our home to give 1//2 to my stepson, but there isn't even any money set aside for me to bury my H! This is another lie revealed as he has always claimed that we didn't need wills-he's a lawyer !!! I know this is terribly long, but I have been crazy for nearly a year now. The craziest of all is that while I think his actions, particularly the will, prove that he has never loved me, I don't understand why he has suffered-and believe me, he has suffered !-through this last year. I also stupidly, stupidly, stupidly can't seem to make up my mind that this has to end. I have been independent all my life, basically raised 3 kids as a single mom, have advanced degrees, and I'm just a sucker and an idiot-living proof that intelligence isn't common sense. I just turned 54 and while I am financially secure with a stable career, this is not the future that I planned. It is so unbelievable and terrible that these cheaters take everything-the past that proved false, the present that is full of unimaginable pain, and the future that was dreamed of and looked toward. I also can not believe that EVERY drama on t.v.- I swear-has a plot or subplot about adultery ! No wonder people think that it's o.k. and no big deal ! Thanks if you managed to get through any of this !
I am so sorry you have been hurt so, PTSLady. First of all, you are NOT an idiot or a sucker! I understand why you may feel that way, but you are a SURVIVOR of life-altering trauma!
Nothing is black & white once sexual and/or emotional betrayal from the one you loved so deeply has happened--everything becomes toned in shades of grey. You are taking steps to care for yourself--medication, counseling. The complexity of issues--family, financial, a storm of heart-felt emotions, children, community--can seem overwhelming at times. Please pace yourself, find that safe and quiet refuge within where no one can hurt or confuse you. Sort things out, one at a time, with your therapists or trusted family/friends, or seek feedback here on HH from people who know only too well the anguish you are passing through.
If your H is truly wanting to make amends, he will turn over his phone records---his unwillingness to be totally transparent makes me think that even more treachery is afoot, regardless of what he has done so far.
No insult intended to lawyers (I deal with them daily on my job), but some of them can be expert actors ("paid guns") at feigning a range of emotions from angry indignation to remorse (on behalf of their clients, of course....). It's their job, and some of them deliver absolutely Oscar-winning performances. You thought you knew him, and he hid his double life from you without dropping a beat.
Please take some solace in becoming mindful that you are on the moral high ground. It may seem insignificant now, but over time, it will prove itself out to be the trump card that will help you to regain your self esteem. You are among kindred spirits here; please keep reading & posting! I wish you healing and peace across the miles.
BB
Dear BB: Thanks for the encouragement and understanding. Thanks for reading my "book", too ! I so appreciate it and I will stay connected with HH. My dear friends love me, but they simply have no idea what we are all coping with because of someone else's choice.
When the pain of staying is too much. When our WS is not truly remorseful. When their actiosn do not match their words. When we feel we have done all we can to save the marriage. And some....never give up no matter what the cost to self.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
