D-day was on April 1. I came home from working NOC shift and started some small talk with my H, including ideas for our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary vacation. My H asked me to update his cell phone (he has no tech skills). I proceeded to remove old cell phone messages that he always skips instead of deleting. My H just had his 46th birthday in March and he had some birthday messages from his sister. Then I heard the biggest shock of my life... a little girls voice saying "hi dad, this is O.... calling to wish you a birhday". My heart sank to my feet and I started to shake. I asked my husband "Who is O....". He started to make up a lie, and then I said "and why is she calling you dad?". He responded "because she is my daughter". My world ended with those five words.

I was calm at first and just asked questions and my H was willing to sit and answer my questions. He said he had a ONS stand with a woman he knew almost 9 years ago while working in Cheyenne. He was friends with this women and her husband and her husband had died a couple years earlier and he met up with her at a bar following a show (my husband was an entertainer/athlete of sorts and was very famous in his line of work). He said he had too much to drink and went back to the hotel with her and had sex. He never saw her again, but a few months later she called him and told him she was pregnant. He asked her what she wanted him to do and she said she wanted nothing from him but thought he "had a right to know". She has contacted him a couple times since then to update him on her daughters life. At that time, my H told me this was the only time he cheated during our 25 year marriage. I called the OW the next day and she was very forthcoming. She basically repeated his story, telling me the chid has given her purpose in life and said she never wanted anything from my H but her family told her he had a right to know and this is why she told him. He is not even on the Birth certificate. She said she planned to tell her daughter who her father was when she was around 16, but her daughter is very smart and found his name in her cell phone and called him on her own on his birthday. I told the woman that I was leaving my H and she begged me not to, saying he loves me and the his kids more than anything in the world and said his family was his only concern when he found out about the pregnancy.

I was very confused. I always told myself that I would leave if I ever found out my H cheated on me and here I was faced with the fact he did. I packed a suit case and called my 20 and 24 y/o sons and told them what their father had done and that I was leaving. They were both devestated. There father was their hero in life and they were always told by everyone what a "perfect family" they had. They thought their father was the most devoted husband and father. Both my boys are in the same entertainment/sports industry as their father. One in which there is a lot of infidelity and marriages seldom last more than 5 years. They were so proud to have the family they had. They travel with their father and could never immagine him even flirting with another woman. They were so hurt and angry.

My H asked me not to leave him. He said he would do anything to save our marriage. He said he learned from his mistake and he has been faithful for the last 9 years and he loves me more than anything. The days that followed, I went through every emotion and I nagged and yelled at my H constantly. He stuck by his story that this was the one and only time he cheated. I really wanted to believe him, but something made me doubt it.

I came home from work a few days later and approached him calmly and told him about my doubts and he admitted that there had been others. He finally broke down and admitted there were times during our marriage where he would be gone for months at a time and longed to be free. He saw everyone around him having one night stands and women were always there for the taking and he could not resist. He said he did not realize then how stupid and selfish he was and what a huge mistake he was making. He says he didn't know how much he truly loved me.

He said he knew that I would leave him if I ever found out and he told me he would leave if that's what I wanted, but said he would do anything to save our marriage.

Our situation is further complicated because my H had a brain aneurysm 1 1/2 years ago and almost died. He has some memory loss, seizures and very high blood pressure now. I have the added pressure of knowing how much he really NEEDS me to stay healthy. I am a nurse and I make sure he takes his meds and keep track of his blood pressure. His blood pressure has skyrocketed over the past few weeks and the doctor has had to double his meds. Still, I had more questions that he did not want to answer.

He has been so kind to me and so sincere in telling me how much he loves me and what a mistake he has made. When he thought I was going to ask for a divorce, I asked him if he becomes a free man, where does he see himself in a couple of years. He said "I'll probably be dead". I love my H and my family more than anything...I want him to be happy. I just don't understand how he could do this to me. I feel guilty that I told my sons and shattered their immage of their father.

Still I wanted more answers. My H finally sat down yesterday and agreed to answere anything I asked. He gets frustrated because he says I want details and he swears he can't remember dates and places and all the details I want to know. He thinks the cheating started about 8-10 years of marriage and told me where the first ONS took place. He says it happened maybe 6 or 7 times in the 6 - 8 years that followed and then stopped with the pregnancy 9 years ago. He said that he never went looking for sex, but that women just offered themselves and there were times of weakness when he accepted. They were all ONS's of going to the hotel, having sex and then he never saw them again. He said they never meant anything to him and he always regretted and felt guilty and was scared of getting cought.

My H is not the flirting type. He was so well know in his business as a devoted husband and father. Every woman he slept with knew he was married and still had sex with him, knowing they meant nothing to him. I asked him if it was really that easy to get women to have sex and he said yes it was. He never went looking for it and never lied to any woman. They would come up after the show and just offer themself. For every sexual offer he accepted, there dozens he turned down.

I asked what's different now in our marriage that would keep him faithful and how could I trust him now? He said he reallized after the pregnancy what could happen and that he could lose everything he loved. I also know that my H had a change in life experience with his near death and feels tremendous love and gratitude to me for saving his life and sitting by his bedsite holding his hand for weeks, and keeping him healthy now. He told me I showed him what real love is.

My kids travel the same sports/entertainment industry as my H and have always told me their dad doesn't even go out after a show, but goes straight back to the room. They have never seen him look at another woman. They see what goes on around them in this industry and know how easy it is to have sex with groupies throwing themselves at guys. Still they never thought their father was capable of cheating. I decided not to tell them that he had more affairs than the one nine years ago.

It is so so hard to deal with all this. I never thought my H was capable of cheating. I also can't imagine my life without my H. We have been together since we were 19, married when we were 20, had our first child at 21. I know that he was not as ready for marriage as I was and I pushed a lot to get the family I so desired at such a young age. My family is my life.

Although his cheating hurts so much, they happened a long time ago and I truly believe he would never do it again and believe he hasn't cheated for 9 years.

I wish I could stop hurting so much. I want my happy, perfect family back.

Lovingwife:

I'm glad you posted your story. Thanks for sharing what must be the most devastating experience of your entire life. I'm really sorry that your husband did the things you've learned about in these last few weeks.

One thing that struck me is that your experience reminds me of that of Peggy Vaughn, who wrote the book "The Monogamy Myth", which strongly promotes the need for openness and honesty from the wayward spouse when discussing the affair with wife or husband. In Peggy's experience her husband betrayed her numerous times over many years when he was out on business trips, in has case because he percieved it to be the "normal" thing to do. We have a link (under our "Helpful Links" found at in the menu in our left margin) to her website. Her book is often found in public libraries, although you can also purchase it on-line as an e-book.

Most of us react differently than we expected to our spouse's affair. Some have been much more forgiving than they ever expected, while others have found forgiveness to be much more diffcult than they anticipated. The fact of the matter is that you don't really know what you'd do in response to infidelity until you're faced with it. There is no shame in choosing reconcilation (in fact I personally consider it a bit of heroism) and there is also no shame in divorce. Either choice is up to the betrayed person to make, although reconcilation requires the eventual willingness both spouses. Don't get down on yourself too much for reacting differently than you expected.

I think you made a good choice to limit what you've told your sons. There is no need to further damage their relationship with their father, and if anyone should tell them anymore at this point, it should be your husband. At least that's my opinion, for what it's worth.

Welcome to our site. I hope you find the support you need when you're here.

TomJ

Loving wife,

i just want to welcome you to Healing hearts, You have found a safe and wonderful place to help you heal from infidelity.

It sounds as if your H realizes what hurt he has caused thru his infidelity.

I would suggest that you fine a good individual counselor to help you thru all the emotions you are experiencing...The rage is all normal...there is no quick fix unfortunately...

Your H needs to speak to his DR and tell him about the stress he is feeling and why...he will benefit from IC also.

Please feel that you can come and post anytime you are upset..we all understand what you have been thru..

My H had many ONS's thru out our marriage..(38 yrs.)... he cheated for over 33 yrs......ONS's and A's one lasting over a year...the past 4 yrs. have been good...with a lot of IC/MC we are doing pretty well.

Dealing with another child has to be devastating...there are some members who are also dealing with that issue.


(((((hugs)))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."