Thank you for the replies. It really helps to get the feelings out. I have left my husband numerous letters and notes telling him how I felt and how much he hurt me. This is not something I have ever done throughout our 25 years of marriage, but it helps to get it out while I am think of it.
I want so desparately to talk to someone. I have no family except a sister who lives in Japan. I have sent her a couple of e-mails and spoke to her once on the phone. I am very close to my boys, but I don't want to talk them any more about the situation because I want to damage their relationship with their father any more than I already did by telling them he conceived a child with another woman.
Also, I want to limit the stress I put on my Husband because I know the stress is causing his BP to rise to dangerous levels. I have to go to work every day and pretend to be happy.
We are getting along pretty well. As I said before, my husband is bending over backwards to be nice to me. He tells me he loves me several times a day and checks in constantly. I have continued to plan for our 25th wedding anniversary vacation. I have looked forward to this for so long, but I worry it is now celebrating a marriage that was built on deceit and lies. I have mixed feelings, because I know there were lies and betrayal which hurt so much, but I also know that my husband loves me more now than he ever did before and truly wants to be married and spend the rest of his life with me.
It really is a emotional roller-coaster. At least I don't feel suicidal any more. Maybe there is hope.
The Healing Heart is a great place for talking, although having a person in the flesh is also good. My wife found a person to talk to in a couple of women friends who she knew through our church. It can feel risky in sharing with someone like that, but if you find a trustworthy person it can be a great help.
I think it's good that you're finding ways to share your feelings with your husband that also protect his health as much as you can. I'm sure you'll find even more ways to discuss this with him that are respectful of his health concerns.
I'm glad that he wants to work on your marriage and keep it.
There is hope. the worst is over and you survived.
Come here and chat with the chatters on the open board...I am not sure where you are located but there is usually someone in the open chat room during the day...mid day early afternoon...if you want to set a specific time to chat post a" I need to chat at 8 pm eastern time" message. hopefully someone will be able to met you in chat you can also sign into chat and in many cases some will join you there...
You can plan a" celebration" with your family...I fully understand your feeling about your marriage...I don't make a fuss about our anniversary at all. My H this year sent me many beautiful flower arrangements ...I gave him some clothing...but for me there is no fuss...it is just a day...I celebrate my children from this relationship...my H also wants me for the rest of his life...he shows me love in many ways...build on that feeling...that love he has for you will help you get thru the dark times...ask your H for hugs when you are on the roller coaster...it helps.
The 25 anniversary vacation will be good for you. It is time away from home. Exploring new places helps give your relationship a rest and also works on the togetherness you need to move ahead. A month after D-day 2...my H and I were off the Rome( trip had been planned for a long time) we had a wonderful time...time out from the trauma and worked on being friends again.
(((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I am so sorry for your pain. I know it hurts to the very core of your being. Take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone, and what your are thinking and feeling is felt by others.
You have received replies from both Tom and Pat, both old timers in regards to infidelity, and both people that have successfully reconciled their marriages after their spouses betrayal. I am also an old timer and successful reconciler. My husband's affair ended 5 years ago this last November on the day I found out. At the time we had been married 20 years. We also have 2 boys, who unfortunately had to be told. What we can offer you is hope. Hope of a future where the pain takes a back seat and you are once again able to enjoy your life and marriage. It does however, take time and work. It is so good you are talking, talking is essentially. Your H seems to have reached the conclusion early than most, that the not knowing is actually worse for you.
I recommend you look into getting some marriage counseling. Find a counselor who understands the need to talk about the affair after infidelity, and is learned in how the process unfolds. Moving on takes time, and a counselor that urges you to put it behind you and focus on the marriage doesn’t know what they are doing. All in all, the healing for both you and your husband will be a gradual process of baby steps. At times you fall back and seem to loose more ground than you gain, but in the end you will look back and realize you are getting better after all. I would say it took two and a half to three years b4 I felt like myself again.
Thank you so much for the kind words of support. The past few days have been very calm. The cheating subject has not come up. I have been working a lot and very tired. When I come home, my H puts his arms around and tells me he loves me. When I leave for work, he meets me at the door with a hug and kiss and tells me he loves me. His blood pressure has finally lowered and stabalized.
All this does not mean, however, that I have stopped reliving everything in my head. I remember every word that was said and have visions of him cheating constantly. Even when I'm busy at work I am reliving the past 25 years and thinking of when, where, why... it is so consuming. I don't want to hurt anyone in my family, so I am keeping it to myself. It feels so good for my H to show so much love. I longed for him to cherish me and love me the way he does now all our marriage. I knew throughout our marriage that there were times he was not as committed and longed for freedom. It was those times I worked hardest to make the family whole and make him happy. He usually snapped out of it and acted happy and content again.
But still, I knew and I accepted the love he was willing to give. I told myself that this was his way and he was not the emotional, touchy, feely kind of person (he really isn't). I would do anything to keep my family together. Now I know he is capable of loving a lot more because he shows me every day. He loves and "cherishes" me the way I always wanted to be. He does not even want to work in the entertainment industry any more. This was his life and I never thought I would see the day when he would rather stay home. He only works a few shows a year for the money and he comes home immediately after the last performance. He doesn't go out after performances, but instead goes straight back to his room to sleep or watch TV.
It is just so ironic that when he is willing to give me his heart and soul, I discover that he cheated during our marriage and makes everything so gloomy and sad.
I know I need to talk to a counselor, but don't know how to go about finding someone or if it will be covered by my insurance.
the worst is over and you survived.