Today, compared to other days, I would say that I had a good day. It started of by me not having a nightmare the night before and actually sleeping past 5am. My W made me a nice breakfast, I went golfing, we made love, watched a movie...a good day. Even though this whole mess was still on my mind the whole day, I did not really get upset at anytime. That was until tonight. We were lying in bed and I just started crying. Feelings of immense sadness came over me and I could actually feel my heart hurt. It’s so strange…normally its something specific that bothers me or gets me upset, but now it feels like I am not even thinking of anything, I just feel sad and empty. Like something is bothering me and I want to talk about it but realize there is nothing to talk about. She has since fallen asleep, I am sitting here and I feel lost.
I can completely relate to what you're feeling. I have been there many, many times and truly understand your grief and pain. As many days, weeks and months that have gone by, I still am unable emotionally to come to grips with what my H did. It remains an unreal nightmare that I just can't wake up from.
But there are blessings: It is wonderful that you slept well the night before and slept longer than normal. It is wonderful that you had a good day. It is wonderful that your W is not giving you new reasons to hurt. Those good things can't make the old pain go away and so, inevitably, the heartache creeps in. Just like a scab on a wound that's healing, there is a pulling and stretching of the emotional skin that is uncomfortable. I think the same is true with our hearts and the pain we continue to feel as we try to recover. And there may forever be a scar. But we can survive this. People live with scars. Some look at them as medals earned in a battle they never wanted to fight. But the important part is that we can survive.
I hope for you that there is another restful night ahead. I hope tomorrow has more shared moments of smiles and laughter and connection for you and your W. I hope that all you hope for happens. And I hope that as the pain continues to rear its ugly head again and again, that your sad moments lessen while your happier moments gain momentum and duration. Blue Iris
Yes it's good to have a good day. We had some good days in the weeks/months after D-Day and then night would fall, she'd be asleep and I couldn't help myself dwelling. My brian must have gone through every "what-if?" scenario, looking at the A from every possible angle - my wife's, the OM's, my own etc. Sometimes the time we had together was so good I actually drifted off to sleep. I'd wake the morning after and think I'd had a dream, then reality would hit me hard in the face. It was my topic of thought at the front of my mind every day for over 6 months.
The good news is that it can get better. Revel in the good, try not to think of the bad so much. Keeping very busy has helped me - just making sure every day is full so I don't get much time to dwell. Good luck, hope it gets better for you.
That roller coaster ride you're on is lengthy. Just when it seems like everything is just coasting right along and you can see the blue sky in the distance, BAM! You're back down again and your pain feels like new. You insides are hollow. You struggle to breathe evenly. Your heart hearts. Your mind reels with bad thoughts and "why?" - "how could you?" and "what ifs?"
Try to keep your thoughts on the HERE AND NOW. I'm not suggesting you forget, but your pain is new and fresh, and you need some healing time to gain perspective and to think clearly.
When the low moments of your ride come along, tug the seat belt tighter, grab hold to the sides of the cart, and breathe deeply. Even close your eyes when necessary. The up-ride will return again...
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I see this as improvement. You are doing very well. The ability to look back and see that you did better is so important. It doesn't mean it is over, it just means you can get better. Often times the contrast of doing well, compared to the reality of the truth becomes too much, and that in itself is a huge trigger sending you in a tail spin. I know that going to family events, or a night out with friends could cause me to break down uncontrolably later after the events were over. In time, these things will not be such a big contrast to the pain you are feeling. Keep allowing yourself to have good days and to look back and see where you did well, that is part of the process.
I understand your pain. It is one month since my D-day. A few days ago my husband and I made love for the first time since I found out. I came to his bed as he put no pressure on me. After we made love, he told me he loved me and I broke down and cried. I just can't get the pictures out of my head. How could he betray me like he did and still tell me how much he loves me. How could I even think of sleeping with him and forgiving him for the hurt he has caused me. It is still all so new and confusing. Just want to let you know you are not alone.
