I feel like I am drowning here.

My husband think's I am being irratiional.

Tonight I asked him if he was yet again involved with this other woman he had fallen madly in love with. Of course he denied it. I tell you, I will just die if the day comes where he leaves us to spend the rest of his life with her.

Anyhow, I think he then tries to cover this up (my suspisions) and asks, if we have to live together for now, can't you and I have casual sex.

I tried to explain to him that this wasn't possible. That if he was going to live without me at some point in time, why would I want to have sex with someone him? I tried to explain how painful his request of me was. Again, I think it was just to set me off (and that truthfully he knew I WOULD SAY NO TO SEX). I love him, he doesn't love me. He plans to live his life at some point away from me. I STILL CAN'T AND WON'T COME TO TERMS WITH THIS REALITY UNTIL IT HAPPENS.

Maybe some of you can explain to this man, why I can't have this "casual sex" he want's or pretends to want from me.

Maybe I can print off your replies since he thinks I am being unfair. He just isn't getting how painful this would be for me.

Sorry again.

LonelyMomWife

I don't think you are being irrational,
women want to be loved and casual sex is not love

I personally would NOT have casual sex because I fear STD's...I don't know who his partners have been...casual sex is not part of my life...I want to be loved when having an intimate moment...that loving feeling is what sex is all about.

My H had " casual" sex with me for years ...I felt like the unpaid homemaker...there was no regard for me or my wants or needs, I didn't know about the other Women. Now he loves me and there is a world of difference.


pat



"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I am so sorry that you are in this position.

The short answer to your H's question is that you don't want to.

For me, the longer answer would be that:

-I can't go backwards in our relationship. I want the commitment I thought we had and the committed sexual relationship that goes with it.

-I can't be an OW to you - it sickens and saddens me to think that I am like one of them to you and that we could have casual sex like you had with them. I want to be special to you.

-I would not enjoy casual sex - it would depress me and not be pleasurable.

-Your desire for casual sex feels selfish and insensitive. I am in great pain because you have betrayed me, us and our special relationship. And now you want me to forget all that pain and just have casual sex? Are you crazy or just totally about you?

But, you have to say what is in your heart and be true to yourself.

I hope you find peace.

You can print that and give it to him from me.

Sorry...that's probably a useless inappropriate reply - but I'm speaking my own frustrations from the heart. (Pong...Hatred - its a bad place to be, but it happens sometimes)

Thank you for your replies. You do understand. He says he doesn't get it. Something like, if I am still paying the bills and keeping you, than you should offer me up sex when I need it.

Why I love this man is insane.

LonelyMomWife

"Casual Sex" !???

In the middle of her A, my W wanted to have "Casual Sex" with me. "I have needs" she said. I did it a few times, even though she would start off everything with "Don't let this get your hopes up, it doesn't mean anything".

Ja!?? Reeeeeally? Apparently this was one department in which I was more useful than her OW. Well, if I didn't feel used and cheapened and unloved - the original "life support system for a dick". There was no sharing, tenderness or emotion in that sex, just a f**k. I won't go into the details of how impersonal it was, but I stopped and once she moved out, I ignored or flatly refused her suggestions. She thought I was being childish.

Now, I think that this, like everything to do with her A, is a bad memory for her, and I suspect it embarrasses her more than somewhat.

So to your H, LonelyMomWife, I would say -
"Oi!!! What bollocks do you think you're shovelling around? You have no respect for yourself, let alone the woman you committed your LIFE to! Casual sex? Mate, you're f**ked already!!! In the head. So WAKE UP, and look at this HUMAN BEING you married. Do you know what hurt, pain, humiliation and rejection mean? No? Probably not, your head is too far up your own ARSE!!! But IF you manage to see through the curtain of CRAP that surrounds you, then spare a bit of humanity for her, if you can find any!

Wanker!"

This probably isn't too helpful, but I get more than a little steamed by glib "why can't we just be friends, with extras" bullsh1t!

Dave

Dave,

Thank you so very very much for your response.

It really made me feel good for a moment. It was nice to know that I am worth somehting (said by someone else - YOURSELF).

I had a glimpse of self esteem for a moment. Maybe I need to read your reply again.

Also, it was nice coming from a man.

P.S. My hsuband says all men, or most are fooling around. AND that only women think the way I do.

THANK YOU.

LonelyMomWife

I think the idea that "most men" are "fooling around" is a myth. Adultery isn't limited to men in western society, women are perfectly capable of it, too. And there are plenty of faithful, committed men out there for whom "fooling around" is just not an acceptable option.

It really sounds like what your H is doing by trotting out this line is rationalising his deplorable behaviour - after all, if "most men" are doing it, then he can't be blamed for doing it too - it's "in his nature". Frankly, that's a cop-out, and is just a way of avoiding taking responsibility for the damage and hurt he has caused.

The other one that irritates me is this oft-quoted opinion that "it's a part of everyday life in Europe, and people are fine with it", which is COMPLETE rubbish.

And, no, it isn't only women who think like you - this another way of deflecting responsibility from himself. What he's saying is that men and women see things differently, and that's just the way it is. PLENTY of men are faithful, and would be mortified and deeply hurt to have their partner cheat on them.

Your H is excusing himself, it's a predictable, and all too common pattern in WS behaviour.


Dave

Hi LonelyMomWife: I'm new to this site but your situation is a lot like mine. I too found out that the man I loved, trusted and idealized had not just one but at least three affairs. He never admitted to anything, never apologized, he did not want the marriage to be over and like your husband he wanted sex even after the relationship was destroyed but did not want to do the work necessary to repair it. He loved the image of the respectable, happily married man, even if it was a farce. We were high school sweet hearts and at one time were the golden couple in our social circle. He once told me that it was my duty as his wife, I used to comply but I felt really crappy afterwards and started loosing respect for myself so I stopped. I've always racked my brain to understand how a person can so deeply hurt someone they professed to love yet not feel any remorse. I started doing a lot of research on the internet and I found a book "When your lover is a liar: healing the wounds of deception and betrayal" by Dr. Susan Forward, I finally understood a lot of things. There is also a web site "takeback yourheart.com" that is very informative. My husband is a very handsome man, yet when I look at him I not only see a stranger but a very ugly person, I no longer feel love for him only loathing and on rare occasions pity for being such an emotionally stunted human being. It's been a few years now, I'm over the heartache, I'm looking forward to being single again, I know it will be hard but at least i did not compromise my values, my integrity and I'll be able to look in the mirror and truly love and respect the person smiling back at me. My only regret is that I wasted so much time trying to mend a relationship that was not worth it and did not leave sooner.

We're glad you found us but sad you had a reason to look. Thank you for jumping in and participating with information. I often wonder if, while I am resolved to stay. Things keep changing in front of me eyes and inside my heart and I wonder if I will one day relax and come to the conclusion that its time to leave. Only time will tell.

I'm so sorry your handsome man has horrified you with his actions and that he couldn't be remorseful. May you find peace as you move forward...and away.

Dave, your responses made want to get out of my chair and cheer!!!
They could be the cement block dropped on LonelyMomWife's H that might break through....short of a brickbat upside his pumpkin head.

He, as all WS' need to do, is look up the definition of the word "vow". Words have power. In Biblical times, men would sometimes swear an oath (or "vow") while placing their right hand on their genitals, to connote that they really mean business....

LonelyMomWife, your H has spurned you, and he has blinders on to the priceless gem he has in you. You are a faithful partner whose heartfelt love endures despite the repudiation and insults of being asked to play second fiddle in his little harem.

NEVER DOUBT yourself! Your love and attachment to him is not insane, because you are, by nature, a loving, forgiving person. This comes across so clearly in your posts. But please guard your heart.

Some folks just need the right tools to move forward in life, but some don't even have the toolbox to put 'em in!!
BB

I know it feels like it, but for real...this man is not worth dying for! Hopefully, you just used that as an expression. The man who is worth dying for is the one who would die for you. Would he die for you? So if he decides to go with the OW - do yourself a favor and enjoy the hell he's released you from.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

As you know, my kids rather stress me and I am almost always alone with them. It can be a lonely tiring place.

So, yesterday I decided I would do all these things for me "outside the home" without them today. I told my husband of my plans,,,.

Last evening I watched the movie "the holiday". Well, it set me off crying and crying and crying.

Today I became deeply depressed and only left my home to grocery shop. I have layed in my bed (in the dark) feeling so pained, so sad, so uncertain. It is going on three years now that I have lived a life like this. I WISH I COULD STOP LOVING HIM AND SMILE AND LAUGH AGAIN.

You don't need to comment. I just needed to tell someone.
Always my thanks for listening.

LonelyMomWife

Dearest Lonely,
I must say that your H sounds incredibly selfish and narcissist. Of course, you are not being "irrational" about denying his request for "casual sex." What does that mean, anyway? That he is still having sex elsewhere? And what does it mean that he plans to live his life at some point, away from you and the kids? I must say that your pain is very understandable, and I also sense that there is a huge power differential in your relationship... with HIM having all the power? To me, you sound like a kind of "prisoner," just waiting for the axe to fall... What's he waiting for, if he wants to live alone? No matter what, you DO NOT DESERVE to be treated so cruelly. You are not to blame for his cheating. You are worthy of respect, fairness, truth, and love. You can't possibly heal from this while he's saying he wants casual sex and will leave some day. I don't know your situation, but I do know that with an attitude like his, he might benefit from an invitation to leave much sooner than he "plans." The world doesn't revolve around him... He seems to have you in a very one-down and controlled position, if I understood your posting. It's abusive. I'm a therapist, and this just sounds really emotionally abusive... which over time, is often more damaging than physical abuse. He isn't worth dying for... NO man is. I tried suicide a couple of times during my H's three year affair. Now I understand that it isn't worth dying over someone who is completely selfish and shows no compassion. It's THEM who have the most serious problems... Keep your chin up. My prayers are with you. Debby

{{{{{{{{{{LonelyMomWife}}}}}}}}}}

Nothing constructive to add, just thought you needed it.

Debby,


Thank you for your email. YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT.

Often I feel this man I love/hate is in TOTAL CONTROL. People keep telling me I have choices. I agree. But often, I feel that if I make a move, my life will only get harder. IMAGINE THAT.......................H A R D E R. I am speaking for both my children and mine.

With my husbands income I can provide for my children. We make ends meet. We don't save, we don't go into debt........WE JUST MAKES ENDS MEET. Quite honestly, the only way to retire would be thru inheritance (SAD TO SAY!!) I can't believe I am thinking this far ahead. Which, is beginnign to look not so far away now (I am 42.5 years)

I will have you know, this is not the way I would wish to live my life. Not for me/my kids. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE IN THIS SITUATION. NOT EVER!! But, I have to be honest. He doesn't love me and he was and is willing to walk on his kids.
I keep him here for two reasons. One.....I think I am still in denial and hoping he will come around. I guess I am still hoping for a MIRACLE THAT HE CAN LOVE ALL OF US AND WISH TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH US, BEING HAPPY WITH US (AS HAPPY AS CAN BE). You have to understand, that my "special needs child", has made life really hard/miserable for everyone. NO FAULT OF HIS OWN. My life in particular is extremely tiring and non fullfilling. VERY STRESSFUL WITH HIM.
AND TWO...............for his financial support. I can't imagine how I could be there for my kids and support them. I am so involved in both my boys lives; especially my "special needs son", his education, his schooling (fighting the school), meetings, volunteering,,,. I have only high school education which will get me maybe 31K per year (if I went back to work f/time). It would be a waste of time for me. I have no support from family/friends and if my hsuband left us, he would give us only the essentials put forthe in court. WE COULDN'T MAKE ENDS MEET. He would not elect to give me any additonal support (financial or otherwise).

So, you ask..........."why does he stick around?". I think because he does not wish to have them more than every other weekend (I can't iamgine dealing with them until that every other weekend came around)..............YOU CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT A HANDFUL MY "SPECIAL NEEDS SON IS", and yet, he feels "somewhat guilty" for messing up. Imagine that.......he feels "slightly remorseful for not being a good dad." So, I think he wishes his cake and eat it to. Stays here, so they can live here (which makes him able to live with his conscience), and it also allows him to keep his name on house,,,. This way he feels still in control (OF HIS HOUSE).

I WISH I COULD JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM. BUT AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM, I HATE HIM AND QUITE HONESTLY "I NEED HIM".

I feel so f---ed! Do you see why I might be sad? Stressed? Axnious? I have sadness from my marriage failure. I have pain from what he has done to me. I have worry how he might leave me to deal with everything. I Have more WORRY how all this can effect my kids and their lives. I worry endlessly about my "special sons" future. I feel stressed worrying if I had to do this for 12 days before he gave me a break from them (and yet, I worry about the two days being sad from being apart from them).

I AM ABSOULTELY HATING HATING HATING HATING HATING MY LIFE.

LonelyMomWife

LonelyMomWife, please step back a moment from the intensity of your feelings. I know it's easy for me to sit here & ask you to do that, but I know from personal experience that betrayed persons can become their own worst enemies & become overwhelmed by "overthinking" and ruminating about their life issues. I still do it from time to time.

I can completely understand why you feel trapped by your circumstances--the man you married for support, care and comfort has become an albatross around your neck. But there are ways to address the problems, though you may not see them right now while you are so down. A good counselor may be able to help you sort through your options. If you cannot afford a counselor, there are social services agencies available, some of whom do not charge (or have a sliding fee scale based upon ability to pay).

I'm not sure about your financial arrangements with your H, but you might need a consultation with an attorney (usually the first one is free) to figure out your legal financial rights within your marriage.

You may also want to consult with an advocate from your local Battered Woman's Project. Even if he never actually physically harmed you, adultery can be considered EMOTIONAL ABUSE and an advocate can put you in touch with a plethora of services that may help!

Your H sounds so narcissistic that he might never come around (but miracles DO happen...). Perhaps if he sees that you are no longer his doormat, it will at least put him on notice that you aren't going to let him do his thing without consequences.

Please do not do anything to harm yourself in any way. We care about you here!!
BB

If there is a United Way in your community they usually work in a network. You may be able to get temporary housing, child care, and medical care for your children. All you need to do is call them, they will help you find the resources you need, even if it is just counseling.

You may not be ready to explore all of those other options yet. But, you will gain a sense of power and control of your situation if you educate yourself on what your options are.

You need to be connected with some support group that will help you establish some friends and connections that will help you raise your special needs son. You will be able to support him more if you find some support for yourself.

One day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time. Just keep breathing.