Still wondering why the heck I'm putting up with it, but I just love the guy he was, the dreams we built. It hasn't been so long, so I'm not sure if I'll just come to my right mind and leave or if we can progress to that "better relationship" than we had before stage.
It appears I am the only one who has a spouse who doesn't want to stay in the marriage since his cheating. It would seem that I am the only one who doesn't get to choose to have him stay.
You guys/gals still have that second chance. YOu are fortunate. You all elected to stay and your spouses all elected to stay with you.
I chose to stay and work on the marriage, (d-day #2,Oct2007) we are both doing IC,and MC, but I continue to catch my husband in lies.. so I'm losing hope that we can work things out....I am going to arrange to protect myself financially, and emotionally, from anything my husband can do to hurt me, then I am going to ask him to leave...
I "chose" to stay...but at the time of discovery, I was in such shock that it didn't feel like a choice. It just felt like inertia coupled with trauma. I sometimes wish that I hadn't made reconciliation so easy for H...wished that he had to worry longer about whether I would stay or not. But then I realize that is about punishing him and it should be about getting what I want.
Today, I want this M and love my H very much. But would I marry this man again knowing what I know today and knowing what I would have to live through? Not a chance. Sad.
Sorry that you are going through such an awful period. I hope that it passes and that you find the happiness we all deserve - with or without the WS. What I have learned, through lots of therapy, is that we can't find happiness in another person - must find it in ourselves. Sounds preachy and prim, I know - but I believe it now and didn't before.
WELL almost 1 yr to D-day . I"M staying as for my H the verdict is still out. BUT i DID how ever tell him the other night. YOU either get aboard or get off the boat cause I"m tired ...
Susan...darned good question... I'll have to ponder it. And, in fact it gives me perspective. I think I would. That's a scary revelation. Would I go through this again for what he's given me in the past and the dreams we've built together? I think I will sleep better with that on my mind. Thank you so much.
LonleyMomWife...I'm so sorry he's threatening to leave, it's really horrible and painful. Keeping you in my prayers and sending hugs.
I do understand the pain you are going through. I am sorry you are hurting. I don't wish to be negative or make you feel hopeless, so please don't take this post this way, but I am writing you a short version of my story so you know I do understand what you are feeling right now and you are not alone in your particular struggle.
My WH left over a year ago to be with his OW. He is living in another state. We are not divorced or even legally separated, but are defintely not together and not working on the M. HIS CHOICE - I wanted very much to reconcile and work on our M. He is still deep, deep in the fog. He may someday surface, but for now it is what it is. For now I am trying to take care of me and try to remain hopeful if somewhat skeptical about the prospect of our future and his turn-around. The cautious optimist.
Infidelity hurts in so many ways, and reconcillation is not easy even with a remorseful spouse, but I too wish I had the choice to make to stay or go. I was not given that opportunity and at times feel sad and angry.
Hang in there. It hurts, it is hard, but you will make it, no matter what the end result of your M. Trust me. You will heal. Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today.
Come here and vent, cry, ask for help. It is here that you will begin to heal.
D-Day 1: I stayed out of fear and I believed he was "trying". At one point he wanted out but I begged him to stay. Pathetic, I know. But it seemed pretty hard to let him just walk away after 16 years of marriage at the time.
D-Day 2 (2 years later): I kicked him out and was ready to file for divorce. I knew I was better off without him. But he has really tried hard this time to EARN another chance. This time I am staying because he is remorseful. I can still choose to leave at any time and so can he. But I am not staying out of fear, it is my choice this time and we are actually doing the work to reconcile. The jury is still out as to whether we will make it or not.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
5 months after D-Day, she left me the children, the dog and the cat. I took care of our two kids, took her back briefly 3 times, but after six months of it, I tried to move on. 1 year after D-Day, I started dating. That brought her running back. But I could not look at her the same, my love was replaced with anger. She wanted to move on as if nothing had happened. She took all my dreams away and made no changes herself... so I choose to not get back with her.
It still hurts that it did not work out, but while I take care of the kids all week, she lives in a spring break like atmosphere at a condo complex.
Life is not fair, but it is what it is. Just try to make decisions now that you can stand by at a later date. That is my only real comfort now.
God, the more I read, the more a loser I feel like.
I keep repeating myself. I sound like a broken record.
You must all be so sick of me. But atleast you understand and you give me your time. THANK YOU.
I LOVE HIM. I KNOW HE DOESN'T DESERVE MY LOVE. HE HAS BEEN COLD AND UNCARING. Still after now knowing his son's difficulites and uncertainty of his life and how much I will have to commit of mine, he can still walk. Someone tell me, what does this say about him as a father? He hasn't offered to take the children a couple days a week to give me some time, some life. To offer up his time and help to his kids. My life is so full of pain and stress. I love my children more than anything, but my son with his difficulties is a huge huge stressor. I feel I have no happiness in my life.
That is by any standard a virtue. You are not the loser, he is by his actions right now. Will he turn around as some do? Or, will he continue in his "loser" ways until you have no more patience? No one can know, but that's not because of you.
You need to give your commitment the recognition that it deserves. Your commitment shows that you're a hero, not a loser.
It took three different affairs over 5 years for me to finally say that I had enough and leave. It's hard to understand why we put up with what our WS' do to us and we keep coming back. I've always wondered if it's love or the fear of starting all over again that makes us stay. I was married for 17 years and divorced in March. I’m very happy with the decision I made. It’s nice to live my life without the stress of wondering where my WS is and what she is doing.
I have been trying to work out what to do for getting on for a year now. So, I count as "undecided" and this is quite an uncomfortable place but I am trying to know the best way to proceed for everyone's happiness. I sometimes feel it might be better if I had no choice and then I think "no I am a glutton for (self) punishment"... joke.
may you be safe and well, contented and happy
PS: You are likely to get a biased sample here on HH I guess as these people round here are generally likely to be the stayers and tryers? Certainly I am still amazed at the levels of determination shown by members here.
I'm kind of with Jerry on this one. It just feels too soon to say "I'm staying". Our DDay isn't at the one year point, and we are very much in the middle of our own personal recoveries and the recovery of the marriage. I think until a WS truly "gets it" and understands that what they did is wrong and they make the efforts to become a FormerWS, the marriage is minimally treading water. How long each of us treads alongside our WS depends on our own fortitude and a number of other circumstances.
I did bop over today to the "Single Healing" forum to look and see if there would be any other information on this topic that might be helpful to you. I think its worth looking at. The one at the very top from Diane is a similar kind of survey.
Dearest Lonely - You said above "It would seem that I am the only one who doesn't get to choose to have him stay." Sadly, none of us get to choose what our partners do. That decision (along with the one to have the A in the first place- grr) lays squarely in their own befuddled laps. ((LonelyMomWife)) BlueIris
I agree with BlueIris. We did not have a choice when our spouse chose to cheat. And we cannot force anyone to stay. The only choices we have in life are our own choices.
I do not think you are a loser in any way. If anyone is a loser it it your WH for not seeing the beautiful person that you are. That is his loss.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Lonely, I'm with you on this. today I actually voiced to him that I accept that I have no say in if he stays or if he goes. What I do have control overis a tiem frame in which I can act. He offered to let me retn a room from him but keeps moving the date for me to move in with him. I told him I move in June, whether it is with him or away to where my family is, is up to him. He knows that, if I move 4 provinces away to my family, the chances of us getting back together are very slim.
It is terrifying but atleast I no longer will be up in the air. I know that, by July 1st, I will know where I will live and what I will do. It ould be painful to leave, but the alternative of being left to dangle is even worse.
y'know, there is no best or easiest way out of any of this. It's a very moot point whether being able to 'choose' to stay or go is better, or worse. I put it in the same basket as those debates we have here periodically about which kind of A is 'worse' than another kind. There is no actual right answer. I have thought I would have been happier if WS had packed & gone like he said, then kind of glad he didn't, then battered into indecision by the knowledge that the so-called 'choice' of staying only means that WS and everyone else I didn't tell the story to will blame me for ending the M - which is pretty much what WS wanted to happen as then it wasn't HIS fault. Sometimes I am glad to have the 'time' to ponder stuff over, sometimes I am totally p'd that there is no direction forward other than what I take and am then responsible for. No doubt WS feels just the same way.
As we have also said over & over here, there are three recoveries - ours, the Ws's, and the M. And the time taken on any of those recoveries is very individual and not better or worse depending on what's happened and who has stayed or gone in the M.
What I meant to say was, many of you seem lucky, for your cheating spouses elected to stay and try and work things out. Sorry if that came out wrong. Mine won't even try.
He said all, or most men are cheating. That his brohter, who also cheated was a fool to have told his wife. He had said this before I found out he too was cheating on me. Having this attitude of his, do you think this is why he doesn't get it? Get what he has done to me. His attitide to me anyhow, seems like, it is o.k and almost the norm to cheat.
He seems to have this same attitude about parenting. I remember a number of things he said to me......i.e. some people are not meant to be dads. Or, you are doing a fine job at teachign them morals, they will be o.k by you. Something like this. Again, I think this is why he finds it easy to walk from his children (even his special needs child). And yet, he claims to "love them." Isn't this sadly funny?
He really doesn't care how hard and difficult my life is it would seem. It has been my roll it would seem (in his eyes), that I be everythign to everyone and expect nothing in return.
It sounds like he and his brother were raised in a household where they learned some sad/bad lessons of life to be the "norm". It is unfortunate that he was taught and chooses to see it as "normal" instead of exploring himself through IC and his marriage in MC. The biggest bummer? Unless he understands there is a problem, there is no fixing it. And some weird consolation, I suppose, is even if he does the unthinkable and leaves to go off with OW, he'll do the same thing to her because he believes it is o.k. and normal. He has to want to change and he doesn't.
BTW: I do have to admit that I agree with your H on one point: I do think there are some people that are not cut out to be parents. My dad is one of those that did the best he could, but I'm sure paying the price for it now (literally!). It may be a question for down the road, Lonely, but with the current attitudes your H has towards A's and cheating and lying, are those good things for your sweet boys to be around?
This message has been edited by BlueIris22 on May 22, 2007 9:49 PM
We stayed together by my choice. Once the A was outed- He left to a friends house and I took sometime and decided what I wanted. I even took my ring off and made lists of what I wanted, what I needed and what he had to do to get me back.
In answer to your questions, I'm 47 years old and stepfather to two grown children she had from two previous marriages. She did not take my decision to divorce her well and played the victim to our kids and friends. After several months of this behavior, she met another man and now lives with him. Our divorce was still 3 months away when she moved in with this man. We talk to each other again now and I only wish the best for her.
I actually started dating again about three weeks ago and it feels really good. I look forward to a new relationship with someone where trust is not an issue. I had decided that I would not date for at least a year after we were separated and our divorce was final.
BlueIris,,,,,, I too am finding parenting my ADHD, anxiious, Oppositional child, Learning disabled child REALLY REALLY HARD TO MANAGE. He makes alot of my life hard. Maybe this is how my husband feels also. But I have an obligation to him. I had him. WE HAD HIM. If my husband finds parenting him hard, and only spends maybe on average of a half hour thru the week with him each night, then he needs to try a full week with NO HELP. I am tired all the time, he makes me miserable alot of the time. He stresses me out big time. BUT................I love him and his brother more than anything, I owe them everything (which almost always seems it is always me, almost ALL THE TIME). I don't go back to work and the number one reason is I need to be there for them when they are especially young. Also, to attend meetings re: ADHD,,,. To watch over him at school (helping at his school). To be there to pick him up after school, which allows me the time to do the homework with him (HAVE THE TIME), which I would not otherwise have if I went to work. With his learning difficulties, he can not sit and do his homework alone. He needs explaining and re-explaining and re-explaining and re-explaining (all the while he fights you about completing it). There isn't much easy about this child. Again, I put myself last and he/his brother first.
WHY CAN'T MY HUSBAND DO THE SAME? Can he not see why we drifted apart? He wasn't there to help me, while I knocked myself out. While I got no support. I became bitter with him. He found someone else.
I am so peeved tonight. Tonight I hate him.
I wonder if I should be on anti depressesants? I hate him for this! Everythign is painful, hard, tiresome. Not much fun. I use to smile, I use to laugh. It is all a thing of the past.
I really feel your pain, LonelyMomWife. I, too have a special needs daughter, although she simply has learning disabilities. But it does require a lot of time on my part. My H has told me that all the attention I paid to her made him feel unwanted in his own home, which led to his A. How immature does someone have to be in order to be jealous of their own child?! (We did eventually both read a great book caled: Why Parents Disagree: How Women and Men Parent Differently and How We Can Work Together by Ron Taffel and Roberta Israeloff, which explains how much the husband is MISSING when he doesn't properly co-parent). We have been working on that, and I am hopeful, but slightly doubtful, too.
My H & I have been married for 19 years. Just a year before that, I was divorced from my first husband after only 2 years. He had fallen in love (again) with an old flame. He left me and married her. I was hurt, but was on my way to recovery when I met my current H. I didn't feel quite ready for a new relationship, but he assured me that he loved me and would never do anything like that. I believed him because it does seem so out of character for him. And he knew my history and how much an A had hurt me. This makes the current A all the more painful.
So this time I have a "choice" but that doesn't make it easy.
Take care,
L.
This message has been edited by lyndam on May 24, 2007 10:42 PM
Don't you have anyone that can come over and take care of your boy for a day, an hour, or just help you for a little while? Friend, neighbor, family member? It sounds like you could really use a break and if your H isn't going to help you maybe someone else can. It's amazing what giving yourself a little space can do. I hope someone can help you and that you are willing to ask for help. Good luck.
I wasn't joking when I said there wasn't any help. People say they will help, but the bottom line is............THEY OFFER NONE TO VERY VERY LITTLE. Family is not close by. Everyone around here has small kids of their own. My 7 year old.........like I said, unless you live with a child with ADHD,,, you can not be prepared for him. My mom who had four kids, finds him a huge stressful tiring handful. She said SHE WILL NEVER WATCH MY TWO BOYS TOGETHER. So, that should go to show how difficult he is. He is better once the meds kick in, but still seems to be fixated on his brother. This causes me the GREATEST STRESS and yet his brother has not learned to just stay away, or walk away from him. The older boy seems to just follow him and torment him. When it is just me and my older son (on a very rare occasion), I just ignore him the best that I can. Remember, he is not only ADHD, but also oppostional.
On another note.........my husband refuses to read any self help, or other type books. He feels he has NO PROBLEMS.
Good morning. I hope today is a better day for you...even if it is just moments here and there that you can gain strength from.
We've gotten a little bit away from the topic of your thread. Were the results of your survey anything that helped give you clarity? What Jerry said earlier is right; the answers to the survey may be a bit skewed because the bulk of the people here are in the process of working things through and there are a lot of us in limbo. But did the survey help you? I hope it did, Lonely.
I know that the situation with your special needs son is very difficult and trying. But in the end, despite all your frustration, you (a) love him completely and (b) have solid parental instincts and integrity. It would, of course, be a relief if your H was actively on-board, involved, helpful to you and your sons. You ask again and again why he isn't. I don't know about the rest of the group here,but I sure don't know. We can speculate a lot. He's the only one that has that answer buried deep within him and it doesn't sound like he is actively trying to figure that out and work it through, because in his mind he doesn't see it as an issue. We can't make him "get" that.
So...if a person can only truly control what they themselves do, what can you do to work through some of the issues you're dealing with?
Forgandg gave you a wonderful checklist of things to potentially work on, think about. I know its so very easy to get stuck in the hard feelings of what's happening and lose traction on getting yourself out of that spin cycle. But you will gain some momentum...even if you just pick one thing to work on. From there, it can grow.
I went last night online and did a search on oppositional children. There was a lot that popped up...the first being a support forum that had a lot of information. HH will definitely be here to help you through, too, as we all each struggle with our own A issues and problems.
The other thing I started wondering, Lonely, is about some form of respite care. A friend of mine has a special needs son that requires a lot physically and emotionally of her. There is something within the "system" (don't know if that's county, state or other) that provides her with a certain number of caretaker hours during the month. This is specifically so she can get a break. What resources have you found about in your area? Did the people who diagnosed your son give you information about treatment, therapy, resources? If they didn't, its o.k. to contact them and find out what exists in your area.
I've got to run, but am thinking about you today, and truly, truly hoping that you find some solid footing. BlueIris
LonelyMomWife, please consider reading Dr Richard B. Rosse's book, "The Love Trauma Syndrome" (1999, Insight Books: ISBN 0-306-46006-8). I think you may find it helpful in understanding & dealing with your anguished feelings.
The emotions you describe seem to express a trauma bond with your H, the same thing that happened to me right after D Day. The impact of the A's (Affair & Abandonment) is a life-altering experience. I remember the searing pain when she moved out for 3 months after D Day, to continue more sexual betrayals with several more men simultaneously. Only someone who has been though an A can truly appreciate the impact of it. My pitiful, tearful begging her not to leave (to no avail) was because I loved her so, not because I feared being alone. Some betrayers have hearts of cold blue steel, and it is unfathomable to those of us who don't.
You are NOT alone. There have been many stories on this site of BS's being abandoned by their WS for the OP. Knowing this may not help much, but please accept that the feelings you have for your cheating H are not wrong or pathetic! They are a measure of the depth of your loving, forgiving heart. THAT is a pearl of great price. Please never downgrade yourself!
BB
Blue Bayou, that is a relief to hear - that we stay because we love them and not because we fear being alone. The only people I have talked about my situation with all seemed to think iw as staying because I didn't think I could do be alone. That is B.S. I lived for 10 years on my own, even bought a house by myself. It is not the fear of being alone that makes me want to stay, it is the idea of being without the man I love.
Do I deserve a man who is faithful to me, of course I do but, if it means not being with my WS, then I think twice. I want both but, if I have to choose, then it will be the WS.
Trouble is, it is not only my choice to make. It takes two to make a marriage and, if he doesn't want to be there, then I we don't have one.
I stayed by my choice but felt a lot of pressure - suicide attempts, I didn't feel my kids were OK with her alone etc. I would say I was bullied into staying at first.
I know that if the OM had been prepared to continue it (he thought it was wrong as we had kids) then my wife would have carried it on for years. A clean break might well have been a lot healthier for me. Sometimes I wish she'd run off with someone and left me to bring up the children. As it is, I am painted as the unforgiving partner in the relationship and I feel totally settled for because she couldn't work it out with the other guy.
I understand your position is really tough, but please don't think having a contrite partner who wants to stay is necessarily better. It can be just a different trap.
God bless, I hope we all find a way out of this mess.
I could not dream of placing my son with strangers for respite care. But thank you for the idea. It would be nice if relatives would help out with the care of my son. I guess I will remain stressed out by my 7 year old.
I am in search for an online chat forum such as this for parents of ADHD/Learning disabled children.
I do love my husband. I can't imagine living without him. Sounds really stupid seeing how we live like NOT A COUPLE.
God, I feel sick today, really really sick. Sick! Sad! DEPRESSED!!!! TOMORROW, May 30th is the day we married, 16 years ago. Our wedding anniversary. We have been together 23.5 years now (married/dating). To think of me in my dress, he in his tux. To think of our "I DO'S". The promises........."in good times, in bad."
To think of our wedding song....."I'll always love you", by Taylor Dayne.
I am so not looking foward to tomorrow.
Thank you, all of you, for your time and patience with me. For your concern and friendships.
Please please pray that tomorrow will be o.k. That I will get through it.
Good morning, Lonely. I'm hoping the weekend had good moments for you. As you may have seen on the Open Board last week, my wedding anniversary just happened, too. I can completely relate to the hard memories, and overwhelming pain that tomorrow is already bringing today for you. There were pieces of good advice on that thread, even though you and I have different circumstances. Believe me, I understand how deeply this hurts.
I'm sorry the notion of respite care doesn't work for you. I'm not sure what your understanding of it is. My understanding is that a trained professional comes to your home for one or two hours and does basically therapeutic babysitting. My friend, who takes advantage of this service, has not a stream of strangers that help, but one particular person that her son has come to know, enjoy and look forward to seeing. And his mom gets the well-deserved (though never long enough break that she needs to emotionally survive). But everyone is different. You alone can make the decisions about what works and doesn't for your family.
Here is the forum that I found that seems to be on target for parents who have children with a variety of different diagnosis: there are people here wbo have children with oppositional issues, adhd,...things you are also dealing with. There will also be people there with different issues. But, hey, that's sort of the same thing as here, right? Anyway, its something to look at and see if it works for you. Here is the link: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forums/ubbthreads.php
I also did a search of resource information for the Ontario area (you had mentioned in another thread that this is the area you live in). There seem to be a variety of organizations that, if nothing else, can at least point you in the direction of where to get more specific support and/or services. While I was paging through all this, one class that jumped out was a martial arts class for children with social issues. I was reminded about a show I'd seen on tv with an o.D. child who attended a martial arts class. For him (and his family) it was a wonderful way for him to release some of his energy in a healthy, controlled environment...where he wasn't getting in trouble...just learning to channel his behavior. Anyway, I saw that somewhere in the Ontario area, this is available. Here is the link I found to a huge directory of services for people with special needs children in the Ontario area:
Its a starting point. I know you are desperate to find some things that can help you. You have been very much on my mind and hoping that, as difficult as each day is for you...especially with your anniversary tomorrow...that something within these links can provide you with some help. BlueIris
I am sorry that your anniversay is on the heels of all this mess. Our first anniversary after d-day was extremely painful for me. Like you, I had all of these beautiful memories of our wedding, now all tarnished by the A. And the fact that he was still seeing OW and claiming otherwise just added insult to injury. You will have many triggers today.....please know that this is normal.
Just wanted to send some (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) your way
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
