I apologize if I am all over the place but that is how I feel. I have never felt this emotionally unstable in my life. I have my good times and my bad times, but it seems when it’s the bad times its really bad. I feel good sometimes and feel like things are ok and then it’s like everything sinks in, it hits me and then it hits me HARD. Sometimes I am bombarded with sexual images that bother and discuss me to my core. It evokes so many emotions like sadness, anger and frustration that I, at that moment, spiral into what I can only refer to as depression. I get to a point were I don’t know if I want to go on, even with life. That’s scares me because it is exactly 4 months and 11 days from D-Day and I though I would be better by now. I know everybody that has been through this and that are further along say that it will get better and I have to believe that, but not knowing it personally or not having that reassurance in your heart is scary.
Which bring me to the good times. There are times that times that I feel good, “normal” if you will, but at the same time I feel uneasy. Why? My W told me once that she thinks that I am scared to feel better or to feel normal because I fear that it will mean that I condone the A. This talk happened during a time that I was down and upset and at first I was angry and felt insulted, thinking she was implying that I am was hurting by choice and on purpose. This is obviously not the case!!! I hate to admit it but the fact that I feel uneasy sometimes on the days that I feel ok, makes me wonder if she’s got a point. But that brings me to the question, doesn’t it condone the A? Condone is actually a bad word because I feel that it implies that you ok A’s and will be ok with A’s in the future. What I mean is, doesn’t me staying, reconciling and moving on excuse THE A? Sorry, don’t know if this even makes sense? I know so many articles say that forgiving does not mean condoning and that is true but it feels like you do. I have thoughs sexual thoughts and I think of what she has done and I think to myself “How can you let this go? How can you possible be ok with this?” But I don’t want to leave her and I love her and want her in my life. What a struggle. Wow…I just realized that I am almost repeating my post of “internal struggle”. I guess I am not over the struggle yet, huh.
I just went back and read the replies on my post “internal struggle’ and it actually made me feel a little better but I will still post my thoughts.
You are riding the horrible rollercoaster. I wish I could say the ride is almost over, but from what all the sources say, its going to last longer. Enjoy the good times while they're happening - savor them, with the understanding that a dip down will eventually come. Hopefully, the ups will last longer, the dips will be fewer and farther between. I'm only about twice as far into this as you, but that's what has been my experience with the emotional changes.
As for the uneasiness you're experiencing during the happy times, here's what I've learned for me. When things are going better, for me and/or with the marriage, I've experienced this same feeling of uneasiness. For me, its vigilance. I had the rug solidly pulled out from under me. No inkling that something like an A by my H was coming. DDay was one big Mack truck aimed at my face and it mowed me down. Now that I'm back on my feet (sort of), I'm looking always for when the next truck is coming. I listen for it. I strain my vision to see it. This feeling hits more often during the good times, because that's when I got hit the first time. What's helped the most with this uneasiness is talking with my H and asking him to also be vigilant. I've told him what scares me. Where my panic comes from. And schooled him on my triggers. He can't predict always what hurts me, because he's not me. But if we hear a particular name and he reaches his hand out to touch me, I know he's aware of me and what might hurt. If he's got to be at a late night meeting, without my asking he'll now provide an agenda to help with any rational or irrational questions that start to pop into my own vigilant head.
In my mind, this has nothing whatsoever to do with condoning anything. I'm guessing you've set some sort of boundaries that if you find anything regarding NC being broken that there are consequences (or something along those lines). That's where your line gets drawn in the sand and you get to maintain personal dignity and values. We can't erase our WS's Sharpie'd mistakes away. But we can be very clear that this won't be tolerated again.
I hope this helps a little. It is always difficult to say that with time, it will get better, because we're all running as quickly as we can towards some ambiguous finish line of marriage success. But I'm not sure if that line really exists. Maybe its more of an endurance course.
I hope your next up on the rollercoaster is longer and sweeter and that your WS is solidly by your side. BlueIris
BlueIris, I thank you for your post. It helps more than you know. I think you hit the nail on the head. I think that a big part the uneasy feeling I experience during the good times might subconsciously be the fear of getting hurt again when you “let your guard down”. Sure my other feelings still hold true but I think this definitely makes sense. My W has been great in terms of being an open book and doing her part in our reconciliation and even though it may take time, but I trust that eventually with her continued love and renewed faithfulness the trust will be gained back and when the trust is back that’s when I think the fear will dissipate. Thanks again
